The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[beach]

What in not clear on is there are times when a absolute response is expected and when it's not. BS always feel it's absolute until they take the time to step outside of themselves and study why their spouses get caught up in a's and study the emotion behind it. Most don't and therefore blame others instead of owning their part in why the marriage when south

 

 

Why are you now attempting to place blame onto your wife?

 

You've stated over and over that she is a good wife and mother.

 

The only one to blame for your cheating is yourself.

 

Look at you. Stop looking to others to blame and to take that action you desperately need to do.

 

 

God, I feel as though you will blame anyone but yourself.

 

And it also seems that you will wait for anyone else to take action instead of doing it yourself.

 

Extreme conflict avoider you are - probably the MOST extreme I've ever seen here. It's a convenient manipulation tactic designed so you can blame others for what you've done.

 

So sad, such a big character flaw for a man.

 

You can work on that though!

[truncated]

Thread starter,

all your talk about not being able to control your actions is a cop out. You can control them, you just don't want to to, Those are two very different things.

 

there are man times that people are expeceted to not act on romantic feelings. Let's say you were a manager at work and she was your employee, you were her therapist and she was your client, you were her teacher and she was your adult aged student.

 

No mater how good being wth her might have made you feel, you would have to find a way to not engage in a relationship because it could be hurtful to someone.

 

While it's true that you can't control your feelings, actions are different. We all face choices of how to act, and unless we are sleepwalking, we can exercise that choice, and now you have to face the reprecusiosns. "Him that calls the tne must pay the fiddler".

[2sunny]

You can't get out of this mess you've created without pain.

 

Just do it. It's going to cause harm and pain but waiting any longer will just make the pain greater.

[conflictedlove]

Thread starter,

all your talk about not being able to control your actions is a cop out. You can control them, you just don't want to to, Those are two very different things.

 

there are man times that people are expeceted to not act on romantic feelings. Let's say you were a manager at work and she was your employee, you were her therapist and she was your client, you were her teacher and she was your adult aged student.

 

No mater how good being wth her might have made you feel, you would have to find a way to not engage in a relationship because it could be hurtful to someone.

 

While it's true that you can't control your feelings, actions are different. We all face choices of how to act, and unless we are sleepwalking, we can exercise that choice, and now you have to face the reprecusiosns. "Him that calls the tne must pay the fiddler".

 

Hi Truncated

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Me and mow have acted and it's gone far beyond just an infant A. Is a full blown LTR and I never imagined it would grow to the point it demanded by time and energy. There's no way to escape.

 

After reading more comments here today, I feel like I can't keep my mow. One been making some observations about her personality and inability to keep from drifting during disagreement. Also, it wasn't that hard before mow addicted to me. It just feels like it could have been anyone and thereof for it will be someday.

[meandmycats]

I have observed this from the beginning.

 

 

Same speech over and over. Are you a politician?

 

 

You answer ONLY the posters where you can manipulate their responses and completely ignore the ones that would offer you a real opportunity to address ACTION.

 

 

What a terrible waste of all the available wisdom here in a refusal to accept and take responsibility.

 

 

I think the whole thing is a hoot.

[FusionCutter]

I have observed this from the beginning.

 

 

Same speech over and over. Are you a politician?

 

 

You answer ONLY the posters where you can manipulate their responses and completely ignore the ones that would offer you a real opportunity to address ACTION.

 

 

What a terrible waste of all the available wisdom here in a refusal to accept and take responsibility.

 

 

I think the whole thing is a hoot.

 

Yeah I'd encourage all the posters to act like an OW. Walk away and stop giving the attention. There is so much wisdom in all these pages. It is just disregarded and people just will rewrite the same things over and over.

[beach]

My hope is that betrayed and OW alike are reading!!!

 

There is much for them to learn how absolutely selfish and immature the cheater can be.

[conflictedlove]

Yeah I'd encourage all the posters to act like an OW. Walk away and stop giving the attention. There is so much wisdom in all these pages. It is just disregarded and people just will rewrite the same things over and over.

 

Hi Fusion,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Actually I take into consideration everything said here.

 

If you have ever been in an A or known someone who has, you know that there are no absolutes. Love does things to people that go beyond a light switch. We just can't turn off or on our emotions. When a A passes the 6 month mark, that's when things get dangerous. The LTR become more complex and less likely to just fade away.

 

Many have been involved in a A and can validate it's beyond just saying go away AP

[2sunny]

Hi Fusion,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Actually I take into consideration everything said here.

 

If you have ever been in an A or known someone who has, you know that there are no absolutes. Love does things to people that go beyond a light switch. We just can't turn off or on our emotions. When a A passes the 6 month mark, that's when things get dangerous. The LTR become more complex and less likely to just fade away.

 

Many have been involved in a A and can validate it's beyond just saying go away AP

 

This is just a crock of crap! And you believe this crap? That's part of your problem - you keep lying to yourself.

 

People can just turn off that light switch!!! I did! Even after 23 years. Boom! No feelings of love for my exH after knowing what he'd done with his betrayal.

 

So yes, absolutely, people turn that light switch off and never look back!

 

Be careful - your wife may turn that switch off too! I'm positive my exH never ever thought I'd leave him.

[FusionCutter]

Hi Fusion,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Actually I take into consideration everything said here.

 

If you have ever been in an A or known someone who has, you know that there are no absolutes. Love does things to people that go beyond a light switch. We just can't turn off or on our emotions. When a A passes the 6 month mark, that's when things get dangerous. The LTR become more complex and less likely to just fade away.

 

Many have been involved in a A and can validate it's beyond just saying go away AP

 

Okay. What have you decided on as actions?

 

Concrete actions? Please list. What are you going to do exactly about your situation?

[meandmycats]

Hi Fusion,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Actually I take into consideration everything said here.

 

If you have ever been in an A or known someone who has, you know that there are no absolutes. Love does things to people that go beyond a light switch. We just can't turn off or on our emotions. When a A passes the 6 month mark, that's when things get dangerous. The LTR become more complex and less likely to just fade away.

 

Many have been involved in a A and can validate it's beyond just saying go away AP

 

 

And my horses actually make an awful lot of manure....

 

 

'When an affair passes the 6 month mark'?? What IS that all about?

 

 

Affairs are dangerous at ANY stage dear chap!

 

 

They only become 'complex' because of all the 'horse manure' and lies.

[blackgnat]

I feel that you are also using your MOW's statement of "if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else" as an excuse to back out of your affair. You're now placing the blame on HER, almost as if she wasn't "worthy" of you and so this allows you to feel that you should remain with your wife. Which is, let's face it, what you REALLY want to do.

 

 

Because then you can dump your OW (especially as she's going to be so consumed with this new job and all of a sudden, become re-invested in her husband. Right?) and no doubt take up with someone else who can lavish you with all the attention and adoration that your ego obviously needs. Ugh.

 

 

And I BELIEVE, all those pages ago, that you started this thread with the declaration that you were afraid that things had gone too far with the OW and you weren't as invested as she was in the affair, as far as a long term commitment goes. Yet by the end of the most recent posts, you are madly in love with each other?

 

 

You're simply an attention addict. And a supreme flip-flapper.

[conflictedlove]

I feel that you are also using your MOW's statement of "if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else" as an excuse to back out of your affair. You're now placing the blame on HER, almost as if she wasn't "worthy" of you and so this allows you to feel that you should remain with your wife.

 

Hi Blackgnat,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Well, I do love mow. I sincerely do. I also love my wife for different reasons. My w is the mother of my kids and they love her dearly. We don't have an intimacy problem as we do just being close. Mow brings that to table and so much more. The problem is, as I mentioned earlier, mow is 15+ yrs my junior. Not to mention she does want to tell her h about her A so he would stop asking for sx. how said is that? She said that's all he cares about and the physical part is really supposed to be an outward expression of an intimate internal relationship.

 

Mow is very sincere and if i were to let go of my w today, mow would be elated and probably drop the DD bomb on her h. I'm not ready to do that. Partly because my w hasn't given me the reason i need to push me over the edge. The other side is that mow's age, her current relationship with her h and how she's the more dominate one and that we are very strong willed, it may not work. then we are left with nothing. who wants that?

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm going to reiterate earlier posts on this page.

 

I hope we all can just accept that OP isn't going to take any advice that has been offered on these endless threads, and is just looking for attention and drama. I hope this thread will end.

[bathtub-row]

I'm going to reiterate earlier posts on this page.

 

I hope we all can just accept that OP isn't going to take any advice that has been offered on these endless threads, and is just looking for attention and drama. I hope this thread will end.

 

I quit contributing to this post for that very reason. No new information comes up. It's just a mental loop that has no end. Do we wonder why the OW is the dominate one? At least she's action-oriented. She's probably sick to death of the fence-sitting. I'm certain that life will step in one way or another and knock this ball right out of the park...

Edited October 19, 2014 by bathtub-row

[conflictedlove]

I quit contributing to this post for that very reason. No new information comes up. It's just a mental loop that has no end. Do we wonder why the OW is the dominate one? At least she's action-oriented. She's probably sick to death of the fence-sitting. I'm certain that life will step in one way or another and knock this ball right out of the park...

 

Hi Bath

 

Thank you and I believe it would be easier to do what others assume is easy by just letting is know we can't move forward to the next level at this time. She's going to be devastated. She also may decide to "settle" with her he can though she loathes him. She's pulling away, he senses it and now it's a matter if she can get a new employer and be more stable to stand on her feet for half a year.

 

The half a year is what we agreed to before actually coming out openly. This can't happen as long as we are at the same company, she'll need to be able to get do the semi solo life and it gives me time to see if I can break away too! See, mow has never been solo as an adult. Married so young she doesn't know the benefits. Once she is solo, I have no doubt leaving her h was going to happen anyway but jumping into another LTR let alone one born from an A doesn't allow one to go through the life expierence and explore the benefits. She'll need time to heal from a 10+ year love anemic marriage and may actually see I was just a momentary KISA and not the LTR H she really wants.

[conflictedlove]

I hope we all can just accept that OP isn't going to take any advice that has been offered

 

Hi Hope,

 

Actually I have taken into consideration everything that has been shared here.

 

As mow is on the verge of telling her h that she's been cheating (she wants to tell him so he can back off of pressuring her for sx) and to be free of the guilt.

 

After speaking with mow about all this, i believe she will benefit from being solo if she goes that route, so she can clear her mind of a 9+ year marriage and not jump into another relationship. My hope is she can learn to discover more about herself, her values and whats really important to her in terms of what she wants in a man. I may not may not be it and i realize that. I would rather not be it and have her find the place of peace and embrace the standard of a man she has for herself than go in and let our A LTR fall apart.

 

Is this so bad and why would I jump ship at the same time?

[blackgnat]

Hi Bath

 

Thank you and I believe it would be easier to do what others assume is easy by just letting is know we can't move forward to the next level at this time. She's going to be devastated. She also may decide to "settle" with her he can though she loathes him. She's pulling away, he senses it and now it's a matter if she can get a new employer and be more stable to stand on her feet for half a year.

 

The half a year is what we agreed to before actually coming out openly. This can't happen as long as we are at the same company, she'll need to be able to get do the semi solo life and it gives me time to see if I can break away too! See, mow has never been solo as an adult. Married so young she doesn't know the benefits. Once she is solo, I have no doubt leaving her h was going to happen anyway but jumping into another LTR let alone one born from an A doesn't allow one to go through the life expierence and explore the benefits. She'll need time to heal from a 10+ year love anemic marriage and may actually see I was just a momentary KISA and not the LTR H she really wants.

 

 

I don't understand why the age difference is suddenly an issue-didn't you know about it when you first started up the affair? Of course you did! But now you're making that an excuse for another way to be incompatible with her.

 

 

Secondly, I don't understand how you are relating her distaste for her husband to her getting a new job. She's still not going to like being married to him, is she? I mean, she won't be in YOUR vicinity (which will suit you perfectly) but she's still going to want to carry on the affair in the belief that now she is making her own living, it's an even better thing to bring to the table of your future life together (that she wants and you don't).

 

 

Thirdly, it icks me out that you are portraying yourself as the KISA who only wanted to help. The idea that you could try to snow the cynics on here as having altruistic moves towards her is quite revolting and delusional. So, what, all of a sudden, "Gosh! It all went wrong!" ? Strangely enough, though, you managed to get some tail on the side...while "helping" her. You just wanted to get in her pants and hell if it didn't backfire.

 

 

Face the music, Slick.

[bathtub-row]

Hi Bath

 

Thank you and I believe it would be easier to do what others assume is easy by just letting is know we can't move forward to the next level at this time. She's going to be devastated. She also may decide to "settle" with her he can though she loathes him. She's pulling away, he senses it and now it's a matter if she can get a new employer and be more stable to stand on her feet for half a year.

 

The half a year is what we agreed to before actually coming out openly. This can't happen as long as we are at the same company, she'll need to be able to get do the semi solo life and it gives me time to see if I can break away too! See, mow has never been solo as an adult. Married so young she doesn't know the benefits. Once she is solo, I have no doubt leaving her h was going to happen anyway but jumping into another LTR let alone one born from an A doesn't allow one to go through the life expierence and explore the benefits. She'll need time to heal from a 10+ year love anemic marriage and may actually see I was just a momentary KISA and not the LTR H she really wants.

 

Blah, blah, blah.... As ever, you continue to miss the point. No need for me to continue explaining it. Good luck.

[conflictedlove]

I don't understand why the age difference is suddenly an issue-didn't you know about it when you first started up the affair? Of course you did! But now you're making that an excuse for another way to be incompatible with her.

 

 

Secondly, I don't understand how you are relating her distaste for her husband to her getting a new job. She's still not going to like being married to him, is she? I mean, she won't be in YOUR vicinity (which will suit you perfectly) but she's still going to want to carry on the affair in the belief that now she is making her own living, it's an even better thing to bring to the table of your future life together (that she wants and you don't).

 

 

Thirdly, it icks me out that you are portraying yourself as the KISA who only wanted to help. The idea that you could try to snow the cynics on here as having altruistic moves towards her is quite revolting and delusional. So, what, all of a sudden, "Gosh! It all went wrong!" ? Strangely enough, though, you managed to get some tail on the side...while "helping" her. You just wanted to get in her pants and hell if it didn't backfire.

 

 

Face the music, Slick.

 

Hi Blackgnat,

 

Thank you and I do appreciate your perspective.

 

To answer about the age gap, yes when I found out the A was still in the infancy stage. So there was nothing too concerning. I did worry about it even then but it wasn't until we got into talks about each other and an LTR.

 

I still need to figure out when we turned that LTR corner.....I don't know when it happened but as I read your post, I started to think about how she may have had this deep seeded LTR need and I didn't...or maybe I do? not sure but she def was the aggressor in terms of wanting to draw closer and closer to the degree it consumes a lot of my time. I'm not complaining..I am ok with it now...its just there are so many things I see as obstacles.

 

Yes she would still be married to her h...she's the type that would settle since she has him on a leash...sad to say but its true...so she pretty much has the freedom to make all decisions and he's just a puppy dog. Deep down she wanted a man and so that's where I came in I believe.

 

As far as her work.....i need to help her and fast....we can't continue working at the same company and the same dept...its not healthy and makes me feel like i can't be myself.

 

I can be open here on your reply because i don't believe you have any angst..just giving your view of the matter and i do value it. mow wants to tell her h that she doesn't love him anymore..i get it....but she's doing it so it can kick start her and i....well...its not that easy...she's not as clear i need her to be. i tried to tell my w today if we went in a different direction what would we be like...well...she didn't let me get too much into the discussion...its not going to be easy on my w....not at all.

 

Oddly enough...we were out with our kids and i saw another gentleman glancing at my w...it actually made me a little uptight...maybe because i do still love her and maybe because she is obviously still an attractive woman and would find her way wiht another man if it comes down to it.

 

right now....mow wants to press forward but i'm restraining her...and for good reason....her h wants to go to counseling and i want her to go...because if it works out....then i know it was best for her and what she may really have wanted....if it doesn't..then its my move.....a move i can't fathom.

[conflictedlove]

Okay. What have you decided on as actions?

 

Concrete actions? Please list. What are you going to do exactly about your situation?

 

Fusion,

 

Thank you for your follow up.

 

Right now...i'm being open with you and here on LS...my actions are to help mow get another job with a diff company so we don't work together....for different reasons than hers. We want to have her move on so we could start our journey together..we can't do it as coworkers....no chance.

 

if mow gets another offer...and takes it then she can get settled on her feet and we discussed being being discreet for 6 more months then come out..that would give her time to decide if she wants to be single, away from her h and really want this A to go LTR. See, i know once she goes single..she may like it...a lot....and jumping into an LTR after leaving one is usually not good..there's no transition and time to heal. I also need that time so i can really gauge my w..right now there's no way she's going to consent to us separating. its obvious. If i find that its time for me and my w to part, i have help her with her confidence level..i really believe if someone came along she would be totally fine...even better than i would be. She's just that kind of person.

 

Lastly.....i'm worried..very worried......mow may go with her h to counseling..if she does...and it works out....i'll be happy...and really be broken hearted but i can live with it....knowing she is happy, content and we will have what we had and never let that go. She may end up with what we had and more with her h....and i have to be mature to surrender to that....its very hard but i have to...then i would be able to give myself to my w freely. Right now...mow is ready to tell her h its over...and that only means one thing....i'm next!

[conflictedlove]

People can just turn off that light switch!!! I did! Even after 23 years. Boom! No feelings of love for my exH after knowing what he'd done with his betrayal.

 

So yes, absolutely, people turn that light switch off and never look back

 

Hi Sunny

 

Thank you and yes, i know i'm playing russian roulette with this whole event. I am trying to make the best of it by helping mow get another job with another company so we can be further apart, she can start a career she's always wanted to and then determine if we were built to last. Some have been able to pull it off and marry their AP's. I just read the odds are so stacked up against me that even with my belief its possible, the consequence of not having it work would cost me everything.

[conflictedlove]

There is much for them to learn how absolutely selfish and immature the cheater can be.

 

Hi Beach,

 

I don't think you understand what I'm dealing with. I have my mow working at the same company and dept. I can't just terminate it. I have to put this to the test. That's why i am going to help mow look and take another role at a different company. She wants to start a career and i think this is the opportunity.

 

I've been through enough off the rebound relationships to discover that most women i've dated in those situations love the KISA as a bridge to move out their existing relationships but the reality is, once they taste the single life...its new, exciting and actually free. I understand that now at this stage in my life. I won't clog mow with an LTR until she breaks free from her H if that's what she truly wants after taking another role with a different company. I believe our test will come then. If she balks or decides she needs space, then i'm good with it and i don't throw my w and kids behind. If she feels the same way then great, we can talk about next steps.

 

the fear now is she wants to tell her h its over and would love to tell him about us so he doesn't keep trying to force her to have sx and assume all is well. Its' a catch 22.

 

As I mentioned, the age gap comes out right now. I don't have too many risks to take, if any. She has plenty at her age. obviously i have more to lose.

[conflictedlove]

No I doubt if your MW leaves her job and gets another so you two can be together she is certainly not going to forget what her goal is - to be with you. If you are allowing the MW to quit her job in hopes of being with you, you must be serious about leaving your wife for her. No one is so cruel that they would make a person quit their job and not go through with the promise. You aren't that cruel are you? Perhaps so considering what you are doing to your wife. I just read you are in your 40's and I'm guessing so is your wife. She is still young enough to meet another man and fall head over heels in love with him and finally have a happy life with a man who wants only her. Please don't be heartless and deprive her of this. If you ever loved her set her free to find authentic love.

 

Hi SAF,

 

Thank you for this very sincere and thoughtful reply.

 

Yes, you are correct...if mow does leave her h and leaves our company for another it would be to start a life with me. lets be honest thought...what does a early's 30's young mow who married under 20 really know what they want? never really being alone and enjoying the discoveries of single life, not having to split decision making in the home or in her case, she is the sole decision maker, or even submerge in her new career. She has had a career prior to kids and she really was submerged. I see that happening again...and letting her explore that side of her life is at least worth exploring.

 

Not to mention her h is pushing for counseling and its going to happen. I support it. Yes, it kills me but i know her best interest outweighs mine. if it turns out they give it another shot, it would be a hard lesson learned again but at least she won't be hurt.

[DKT3]

Come on man, this is some of the most cowardly, utterly nonsensical grabage I have ever heard. "If she leaves her marriage and the company it would be for me, if she balks and wants space at least I don't throw my wife and kids behind"

 

 

 

This should be a warning to all OW and MOW.