The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[anne1707]

"Vacate our spouses"

 

 

Telling the OW to get counselling when clearly it's the OP who needs it most

 

 

Posters of LS - do we want to still be listening to this sh*t for any longer than we have done so already? The story is not going to change. He will carry on just as he is (apart from the changing analogies). He is happy as he is, wallowing in the self-pity of something he has created and has total control of. It must be very tiresome being so irresistible to so many women.

 

Let's leave him alone on the out of control train that he has to get so that he can get on the sinking ship before he then has to walk through quicksand...

[conflictedlove]

"Vacate our spouses"

 

 

Telling the OW to get counselling when clearly it's the OP who needs it most

 

 

Hi Anne

 

Thank you for your post

 

I'm sorry that you are upset and feel some level of angst. Let me just share that getting caught up in an A is not joking matter. When love comes crashing down in the form of an A, people are never the same. Hearts become one, lives becomes conjoined and reversing the situation becomes impossible.

 

I wish my A and many others were as simple to resolve as others assume. Not so. Like a rainbow of many colors, so to the dynamic of an A.

 

Support and understanding is hard to give but it's what LS is here for

 

Do you believe that am A just end with no emotional splinters?

[anne1707]

Upset? At you? Just how big is that little ego of yours?

 

You are a pathetic little man who is desperately trying to make out that he has something special going on in his life. You show no genuine feelings for ANYBODY in your life (including your wife, children and OW), you have no sense of responsibility for your actions, you refuse to change your situation when it has been entirely within your powers to do so throughout this whole charade.

 

Oh, and you suck at analogies too.

 

Give it a break and leave LS for those who genuinely want help and for those who want to help. Stop wasting our time.

[purplesorrow]

Hi WWIU,

 

Thank you very much for your considerate and supportive post.

 

You addressed something very dear to me and i'm sure others who have been or are caught up in an A. That is, how likely is an A to work in a marriage with 2 AP's? Can they ever trust? Is it easier to stay married with someone that you don't have a flourishing marriage for the sake of the kids? I worry about my a/p age gap...it comes out at times and i don't want to be the guy who lost it all with his w of similar age for a younger woman who dearly loves me and wants to be married to me but she is her age...early 30's..so that's can't be changed in terms of her behavior now and in the future?

 

I really would do anything for my kids....but i feel like i worry my w won't tend to them like i remind her to do now. simple things...teacher conferences, notes, feeding and diet for the kids, what to take for medication, etc. It's like she can't be trusted on her own and i'm partly to blame for that. I just don't know if i like the idea of her having my kids to he herself.

 

I think you worry that your wife will do well without you. That she will flourish with someone else. You would be surprised at how people can rise to the occasion. Your wife sounds a bit depressed, maybe from not having a great husband?

[conflictedlove]

I think you worry that your wife will do well without you. That she will flourish with someone else. You would be surprised at how people can rise to the occasion. Your wife sounds a bit depressed, maybe from not having a great husband?

 

Hi Purple,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Yes, honestly speaking, I have felt that my w and our state is a reflection of what I have put into the marriage and not have. I carry a lot of guilt over that now that you mention it. My w may not be flourishing because I have so reserved Nd that's partly because we are not.

 

I do want my w to do well in the event we liquidate the marriage. I know she will harbor resentment for a very long time but someone will give her more than what I could ever do. At least at this point I can't say I tried.

 

Mow on the other hand, has her own set of life challenges. When I pull back, I can't see clearly but wish I could validate the reservations I've been having. The age gap, her marriage and how to learn not to repeat the same thing over again. (Vacate) as much as possible, likelihood of our A standing the test of time and more importantly the odds of us actually surviving.

 

Now it feels like a dark cloud

[whichwayisup]

Hi WWIU,

 

Thank you very much for your considerate and supportive post.

 

You addressed something very dear to me and i'm sure others who have been or are caught up in an A. That is, how likely is an A to work in a marriage with 2 AP's? Can they ever trust? Is it easier to stay married with someone that you don't have a flourishing marriage for the sake of the kids? I worry about my a/p age gap...it comes out at times and i don't want to be the guy who lost it all with his w of similar age for a younger woman who dearly loves me and wants to be married to me but she is her age...early 30's..so that's can't be changed in terms of her behavior now and in the future?

 

I really would do anything for my kids....but i feel like i worry my w won't tend to them like i remind her to do now. simple things...teacher conferences, notes, feeding and diet for the kids, what to take for medication, etc. It's like she can't be trusted on her own and i'm partly to blame for that. I just don't know if i like the idea of her having my kids to he herself.

 

Bolded. So you'd be leaving your wife FOR the younger OW. Not leaving and divorcing because you'd rather be alone. There's a big difference between the two reasons why you'd leave. If your OW wasn't in the picture, you'd not have thoughts of leaving and divorcing, right?

 

Is your wife ill or incapable of doing stuff on her own? Why are you partially to blame for that? Why can't you trust your wife to be alone and have the kids to herself?

 

As for the OW, well, people obviously make it work ,there are some on here who have married their AP. It takes time, effort and communication. Counseling to help rid of affair habits and dynamic. You have to trust and have faith - Take the chance and hope it works out long term. If you have doubts because of how you ended up together, as an affair, and think trust IS gonna be an issue, then don't get married for a long time. Date and build a new solid relationship.

 

And if the age thing is an issue now, it will get worse as time goes on.

[conflictedlove]

Bolded. So you'd be leaving your wife FOR the younger OW. Not leaving and divorcing because you'd rather be alone. There's a big difference between the two reasons why you'd leave. If your OW wasn't in the picture, you'd not have thoughts of leaving and divorcing, right?

 

Is your wife ill or incapable of doing stuff on her own? Why are you partially to blame for that? Why can't you trust your wife to be alone and have the kids to herself?

 

As for the OW, well, people obviously make it work ,there are some on here who have married their AP. It takes time, effort and communication. Counseling to help rid of affair habits and dynamic. You have to trust and have faith - Take the chance and hope it works out long term. If you have doubts because of how you ended up together, as an affair, and think trust IS gonna be an issue, then don't get married for a long time. Date and build a new solid relationship.

 

And if the age thing is an issue now, it will get worse as time goes on.

 

Hi WWIU,

 

Thank you for these enlightening words.

 

I had a chance to reflect back on this and the last post. A few thoughts keep coming up....almost haunting me.....keeping me up at night:

 

When I mentioned I was worried about my kids and you stated they now have an idea of what a family unit is defined as, it would make it harder on them. This thought just would not leave me. Almost like a subliminal echo...can't turn it off.

 

After you made this point, my daughter and sent me a pic from her mothers phone with stuffed animals included. The title read something like Happy Christmas from bear family. When I read this and your words came screaming at me like a dip in a roller coaster, it was as if someone just invoked caffeine in my system. I felt like I woke up out of a cloud. Now, that moment won't leave me because it can't.

 

I did spend some time with mow in a quiet, serene location a few days ago. She really does want to start our life together..or at least says so. I do believe she's committed....probably 85%. The thought of how her kids would take it also plays into her concerns. She would have left him already but for her kids. In any case, she has her semi plan on how she will deal with her h and talk to him after she meets with a counselor. She wants to know what am I doing to prepare. I have not for the following reasons:

 

• once mow goes through counseling, i assume its very likely they will encourage her to work with her h first and share the con's to a divorce and impact on kids. I would rather let her go through this so she understands the entire picture and impact of what she wants to do and the possible true stats of how successful or not, when A's turn into LTRs
  

 

• Something inside me, as you shared, just won't go away. many things actually that have been shared here on LS are chasing me. The age factor..you said it would only get worse. There's NOTHING i can do about that or change the gap. So I ask myself, "what am I doing?" knowing that the gap and mow's needs will likely outpace my due to time. I may be overthinking it, but i don't know any relationships with at 15-20 year age gap that succeed, let alone starting on an A as you mentioned
  

 

• mow may have an opportunity at another company. I feel that will be the true test of what we are going to do. Will we fade away or will it make what started out as an A actually turn into an full LTR? Will she be consumed by her new role that eventually, if we part, she can have an outlet long term to deal with the transition of our fallout?
  

 

• Lastly, because of you and LS posters here, I have a much more broader view of the consequences and impact to our decision. I didn't take into account kids impact and their view of a family, nor the age gap too seriously or even the impact to jobs, extended family and the NEED for extensive counseling to deal with the A habits. That's just a very difficult mountain to overcome.
  

 

I did speak with mow and kind of asked how i would sacrificially surrender her if it was in her best interest. She didn't take that well at all. We semi role played how our relationship would be if we were not an item and still at the same company. It did spring tears from both of us.....but the thought was put out there....and the severity of what it would be like is unimaginable.

[Cressida]

Hi WWIU,

 

 

 

I did speak with mow and kind of asked how i would sacrificially surrender her if it was in her best interest. She didn't take that well at all. We semi role played how our relationship would be if we were not an item and still at the same company. It did spring tears from both of us.....but the thought was put out there....and the severity of what it would be like is unimaginable.

 

 

Dear Conflictedlove,

 

What did I immediately tell you, and what did everyone else immediately tell you, the moment they read your first messages?

 

It might sound immature for me to say this, but I told you so. I knew exactly that this was what you really thought/felt, and that this was what was going to happen.

 

She didn't take it well, you say. Gee, I wonder why.

 

Please, stop for a second. For your own good, stop for a second. THINK about one thing- try to accept the fact that you love this woman, BUT 1) she's a big ego boost for you and pretty much nothing else, and 2) you don't trust her, you don't see her as a reliable future partner like your wife is; whether is due to the existing circumstances or due to her own character, the fact of the matter is that you don't trust her to not cheat on you in the future or to be a good partner for yourself.

 

I have a very strange feeling, when I read your posts. I hope I am not offending anyone and I definitely don't mean any disrespect about you, so I hope you take this the way it is said, but you remind me of an ex boyfriend who was a) very cheap, b) had 'feminine' flaws.

 

You sound like someone with a bag of issues who'd rather stay on a forum for months, splitting the hair in 20 every day about every little thing that crosses his mind, ignoring anyone else's advice, just to avoid to pay a therapist, which you should do. If you can't afford it, I apologize. But if you can, don't be cheap. Go pay for some therapy.

 

Also, you lose yourself in details and go on and on and on about irrelevant aspects of stuff that you rationalize for yourself, despite everything people here are telling you. Like a chick would do, you just rant away without knowing exactly what to do, and you act cowardly by hiding behind your wife and family's 'skirt' because you don't have the courage to admit that the OW was a good 'piece', meant for one purpose only.

 

I am telling you with all my heart, things ARE already getting bad for you, and I have warned you a month ago, and you kept going on about YOUR self-made assumptions, and I told you things will never turn out as you predict them because your OW is also a person, with their own needs and expectations, and not a puppet.

 

You thought, consciously or not, that the love she had for you was unbreakable and it would make her sigh at the mere thought of you, and that she was like an emotional zombie, and that if you left her, she'd move into a cave and live like a nun for the rest of her life, occasionally pleasuring herself while tightly holding a picture of you in her arms. Wrong.

 

She started being demanding and expecting things from you. You said so yourself, she doesn't take everything as you think she would. She wants something for herself as well, just like you do. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

YET AGAIN, you are making plans for her, saying how it would buy you some time, how she should go to another company, how she should do x, y and z....why do YOU have to do and undo her life? Why do YOU have to decide what's best for her?

 

Why are you selfish, man? Why don't you just stop playing with this poor woman's future? You kept saying that she'd leave her husband anyway and I told you she wouldn't, as she's EXPECTING SOMETHING IN RETURN. You refused to admit it, and there it is, right in your face.

 

You are deliberately being unconscious now, you still act like a puppet master, you still think you're in control just because the woman loves THE WORDS you served her. See how you panicked when you heard she wants to tell her husband about the affair?

 

YET ONCE AGAIN, and this makes my blood boil, you started ranting about YOUR wife, YOUR children, YOUR family. You are so attentive to detail when it comes to your own life, it amazes me. You are even comparing sexual experiences with both your wife and the OW, thinking which one could you benefit most from, you think about your children's future livelihood if they are to spend more time with their mother.

 

Yet NOTHING about OW's children. What about her kids? Do you even care about her children, if you say you love her and your hearts have become one? You just mentioned she has kids and that it would be hard for her and probably that's why she hasn't divorced so far BLA BLA BLA, but don't you think about them, too?

 

How can you be this selfish?

 

I am warning you, metaphorically speaking of course- don't be the dictator who they not only like to dethrone, but to maul and drag through town and expose in the main square for three days before getting rid of him.

Admit you are defeated and step off the throne. Do it before things really spiral out of control.

 

Put this woman out of her misery and her internal turmoil and LEAVE HER ALONE! Tell her the truth, once and for all!!! You say you love her but your actions show nothing but raw selfishness and egocentrism.

 

If you are not going to leave your wife, tell your OW.

If you are, tell your OW, but f*ing mean it, man. Mean it, or you'll be faced with consequences you are already starting to get a sense of.

[anika99]

Hi WWIU,

 

Thank you for these enlightening words.

 

I had a chance to reflect back on this and the last post. A few thoughts keep coming up....almost haunting me.....keeping me up at night:

 

When I mentioned I was worried about my kids and you stated they now have an idea of what a family unit is defined as, it would make it harder on them. This thought just would not leave me. Almost like a subliminal echo...can't turn it off.

 

After you made this point, my daughter and sent me a pic from her mothers phone with stuffed animals included. The title read something like Happy Christmas from bear family. When I read this and your words came screaming at me like a dip in a roller coaster, it was as if someone just invoked caffeine in my system. I felt like I woke up out of a cloud. Now, that moment won't leave me because it can't.

 

I did spend some time with mow in a quiet, serene location a few days ago. She really does want to start our life together..or at least says so. I do believe she's committed....probably 85%. The thought of how her kids would take it also plays into her concerns. She would have left him already but for her kids. In any case, she has her semi plan on how she will deal with her h and talk to him after she meets with a counselor. She wants to know what am I doing to prepare. I have not for the following reasons:

 

• once mow goes through counseling, i assume its very likely they will encourage her to work with her h first and share the con's to a divorce and impact on kids. I would rather let her go through this so she understands the entire picture and impact of what she wants to do and the possible true stats of how successful or not, when A's turn into LTRs
  

• Something inside me, as you shared, just won't go away. many things actually that have been shared here on LS are chasing me. The age factor..you said it would only get worse. There's NOTHING i can do about that or change the gap. So I ask myself, "what am I doing?" knowing that the gap and mow's needs will likely outpace my due to time. I may be overthinking it, but i don't know any relationships with at 15-20 year age gap that succeed, let alone starting on an A as you mentioned
  

• mow may have an opportunity at another company. I feel that will be the true test of what we are going to do. Will we fade away or will it make what started out as an A actually turn into an full LTR? Will she be consumed by her new role that eventually, if we part, she can have an outlet long term to deal with the transition of our fallout?
  

• Lastly, because of you and LS posters here, I have a much more broader view of the consequences and impact to our decision. I didn't take into account kids impact and their view of a family, nor the age gap too seriously or even the impact to jobs, extended family and the NEED for extensive counseling to deal with the A habits. That's just a very difficult mountain to overcome.
  

I did speak with mow and kind of asked how i would sacrificially surrender her if it was in her best interest. She didn't take that well at all. We semi role played how our relationship would be if we were not an item and still at the same company. It did spring tears from both of us.....but the thought was put out there....and the severity of what it would be like is unimaginable.

 

 

ROTHFLMAO...You crack me up!! I can't believe that anyone writes like this on purpose. Have you thought about entering some of your stuff into one of those bad writing contests? I think you would be a real contender to win and it would distract you from all this silly teenage girl type drama.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Wow. I am in disbelief that you would allow this woman to divorce her husband on some delusional hope that she will forget about your promise afterwards. You are going to let her destroy her life to avoid her finding out the truth about you, but it will all be in vain. She will figure out the truth- that you were leading her on- and she will probably tell your wife just because you were cruel enough to let her ruin her marriage. She will likely feel so betrayed by that, and not want you to get away with what you've done, so she might well retaliate. This can be avoided. Just be honest with her. If you care ANYTHING about the OW, you will be honest. Tell her you love her IF you do, but be completely blunt about the fact that you are NOT going to leave your wife.

 

Don't pretend you are doing it as a sacrifice for her. She will tell you she doesn't want you to. She will still expect you to be with her. You have to tell her, or you will destroy both your lives & any relationship between the two of you. If you do not, you are allowing her to end a marriage for a false promise. You risk absolutely destroying her life. This will not save you from any fallout, and will likely cause you even greater harm. If she leaves her husband for you- not because she otherwise wanted to- you are taking a HUGE gamble on thinking her job is going to keep her from expecting you to divorce your wife. There's still a good chance she will expect it. You will have to come clean, anyway. Even if you keep postponing, she'll figure you out. When she does, you're as caught as you are now, only she'll be even angrier at you. You won't JUST be caught up in lying about leaving, you'll also be the guy who lied so much he let her ruin her marriage to avoid telling her the truth beforehand that she's going to get afterwards, anyway.

 

In addition, there's a better chance that she will tell your wife if you let her divorce her husband, instead of just being truthful. If I was with a MM and he let me divorce my husband, instead of just telling me the truth, I would tell his wife. Normally, I don't believe in the affair partner telling the spouse, but in that case, I would. Then you will have to deal with all the fallout that could have been avoided. You are lying to yourself if you think you are getting out of this in any easier way than telling the other woman the truth.

[eye of the storm]

OldMaid, let me guess how this dude is going to respond to you...

 

First he will thank you for responding to his ego. Then he will go on and on and on for paragraphs about how he loves the OW and how he is doing this for her. He will gnash his teeth about the age gap and giving her space to find out what she truly wants. Then he will lament about how his poor W can't survive without his manly guidance. The lastly, he will sob about how his children will die a slow painful death under the care of his incompetent W.

 

You will easily be able to picture him prone on a fainting couch, crushed by his troubles and sorrows.

 

He is completely unwilling to do anything but whine. And yes I said UNWILLING, not unable, to do anything but hide in a hole and hope the OW finally goes away on her own. Which is really his end game. He wants her to ghost so he can pine over her lost love and how tragic it is....until he starts on yet another affair.

 

I just really hope the OW finally wakes up and nukes this guy. I hope she calls the W and lets her in on everything.

 

And that is petty of me because I am not a huge fan of APs contacting the BS unless they AP didn't know about the BS. To me, if you knowingly date a WS, then you shouldn't cry foul later and contact the BS. JMHO. But in this case, I would love this one guy to get his just desserts.

 

Something about this guy just sets my back teeth.

[truncated]

This whole situation is nonsense.

 

Your OW doesn't earn my pity. She, according to you, is very unahappy in her marraige and wants to leave anyway, so I suppose it could be said you're doing her a favour by extricating her from a bad situation. She's not a child who can;t make up her own mind. She's made it ups lready. She'll go, but only if she has you to fall into, otherwise, she'll stay in her "terrible" marraige , probably treating her husband like cr@p. Funny that she won't leave unless he has you waitin for her, which makes me think her maraige isn't so bad after all. She's just bored of it, but not unhappy enough to put on her big girl panties and leave.

 

 

 

As for you, you are a shining example of how to be a poor husband and father. You will put your children'e physical and mental health at risk, just so you can get your ego boost. The same is true for your wife. you're sleeping with both women ( I assume) wich puts her physical and mental health at risk, and she doesn't even know it.

 

It seems to me you are afraid that your wife may do just fine without you, that she has strength you don't want her to have. The sameis true for ow's hsuabnd. You and this ow should be together, thetwo of you are quite a pair and seem amde for each other. Both so full of cr@p it makes an septic tank jealous.

[Hope Shimmers]

OldMaid, let me guess how this dude is going to respond to you...

 

First he will thank you for responding to his ego. Then he will go on and on and on for paragraphs about how he loves the OW and how he is doing this for her. He will gnash his teeth about the age gap and giving her space to find out what she truly wants. Then he will lament about how his poor W can't survive without his manly guidance. The lastly, he will sob about how his children will die a slow painful death under the care of his incompetent W.

 

You will easily be able to picture him prone on a fainting couch, crushed by his troubles and sorrows.

 

LOL!!! This is hilarious. I can just picture the Victorian-era fainting couch, and someone frantically running to the rescue with smelling salts

 

It is funny (not amusing funny) too, to hear OP say that his wife is an incompetent mother without his guidance - he who has claimed to be gone working all the time and with the OW the rest of the time, and he who told his son who is clinically depressed to try out for the football team as a cure.

 

I used to feel sorry for the OW, but come on... no one who knows this guy can possibly not see the writing on the wall.

[HonestNeurotic]

I almost feel as if this is some effort to thresh through some bad romantic novel writing. Overly verbose flowery language. I think he writes for himself, and if he gets a few ideas along the way - then it's fodder for the next chapter.

 

Or, he's just seriously deluding himself into thinking he is a good and just man. These women in his life just can't function without him, and he has to resolve their lives for them as they are somehow incapable of making any decisions for themselves. i.e., he wants OW to make the decision 100% to be his, but he's sure that she will not, and either way, it doesn't matter, because he has no respect at all that these women (possibly ANY woman) can make logical decisions on their own about the life they want to lead.

 

I've been absent from LS for about a year. Funny to see this same story - this never ending quagmire of really bad writing. As if he's talking about someone else, from the outside. We're all mini editors, finding the plot holes for the writer to fix.

[Cressida]

Your OW doesn't earn my pity. She, according to you, is very unahappy in her marraige and wants to leave anyway

.

 

He repeatedly said that she has become increasingly demanding and her not-so-cool new behavior has put him off the whole happily ever after track. He also admitted himself, after everybody here told him, that she hasn't left her husband yet for a reason, and that she's expecting him to do something about their future.

 

From what I recall, he also mentioned in one of his posts that the OW even opened the conversation and told him she wanted to tell her husband. That doesn't mean that she's unhappy and wants to leave 'anyway'. That's woman code for 'so what's going to happen afterwards, what do you say?'.

 

I don't understand this dude anymore, he seems to be extremely extremely selfish. Someone with such an ego and selfishness as himself to be married to a housewife who doesn't satisfy him sexually and cannot be trusted to properly take care of the children, according to his own account...it sounds too bad to be true. It just gives me a very very bad vibe, like dude is really a crappy person at heart who doesn't understand what he's doing.

 

Heck, I'm a young woman and I've never been married. I don't have the knowledge of family responsibility, motherhood, being a spouse etc. Yet it's simply common sense NOT to do what he's unfortunately premeditating....it's just sad.

 

I am also 100% convinced that the OW won't divorce her husband until she really grinds Conflictedlove for details about the future of their relationship, and when she finds out he would have thrown her out the window after she divorced her husband, unlike him, who's still under his wife's skirt....I believe the OW will not take a French leave. He deserves to have his wife informed on what he's been doing, for being vile, a liar, and a despotic manipulator.

 

Conflictedlove, are you serious when you say you decided not to leave your wife even if OW leaves her husband, and this decision is a sacrifice for her own good? Why not allow her to sacrifice herself for your own good, why don't you divorce your wife and have OW stay married and enjoy you on the side? I am sure you can't even fathom such a thought, yet you are so explicit about your cruel intentions with her. You are hoping she gets a hold of herself in the 6 months time you think she'll take.

 

She won't, and she'll expect you to be by her side. If you fail and she starts sniffing something, prepare for some serious backfire.

I think you deserve to get your punishment for being so cruel. I can't understand why are you so selfish and always think about yourself?

[HonestNeurotic]

Cressida - you missed it last year before it even started. He groomed it to begin. Lamenting about the train wreck that he was going to be boarding. I'm not even sure this is anything that actually even happening in real life. It's been the most seriously disjointed story. But it's all really about "poor, poor, me" I have to have these women that love me and make me do these things. He TOTALLY put the affair on the OW, it was her that started it. Maybe English is a second language so the translation is a little off. Either way. It's a most sad case of an adult that is so unaware of what he is doing, and what he THINKS he for some reason is the self appointed savior of these poor, poor women.

 

 

IMHO - as always. I could be entirely wrong. But it just smacks as some strange need to write in these forums.

[truncated]

Cressida - you missed it last year before it even started. He groomed it to begin. Lamenting about the train wreck that he was going to be boarding. I'm not even sure this is anything that actually even happening in real life. It's been the most seriously disjointed story. But it's all really about "poor, poor, me" I have to have these women that love me and make me do these things. He TOTALLY put the affair on the OW, it was her that started it. Maybe English is a second language so the translation is a little off. Either way. It's a most sad case of an adult that is so unaware of what he is doing, and what he THINKS he for some reason is the self appointed savior of these poor, poor women.

 

 

IMHO - as always. I could be entirely wrong. But it just smacks as some strange need to write in these forums.

 

Ugh. That puts me in mind of the old joke about how the guy writing to Penthouse forum about his "conquests" was a failed novelist, sitting in his mother's basement writing letters about things that never really happened, except in his own mind.

[anne1707]

Ugh. That puts me in mind of the old joke about how the guy writing to Penthouse forum about his "conquests" was a failed novelist, sitting in his mother's basement writing letters about things that never really happened, except in his own mind.

 

 

Maybe that guy is back here on LS feeling ever so conflicted or hopeless or whatever it might be this time round. Either way, he cannot be taken seriously.

[GirlStillStrong]

Just as a side note, it hope all women pay attention to this. This is EXACTLY why Women's Lib started. Women had no career, stayed at home with the kids, the husband cheats, and the wife has nowhere to turn because she has no options to make it on her own. So, she would either marry another man or stay with her cheating husband.

 

This is also exactly why I tell women to never put themselves in a position where they're dependent on a man. If men wonder why women don't want to stay home with the kids anymore, why they're so focused on their careers, etc., this post is your answer. This man's wife is clueless about her husband's two affairs, and is possibly about to get blindsided. What a great life. I hope she has a degree and I hope she has options.

 

Then again, there's the upside: her husband stays with her out of guilt.

 

EXACTLY. And even some women who have advanced degrees choose not to have a career and stay home instead. They may think it makes more sense financially (instead of day care) and still the man leaves after the kids are grown. Just not a good position to place yourself in, IMO.

[conflictedlove]

 

From what I recall, he also mentioned in one of his posts that the OW even opened the conversation and told him she wanted to tell her husband. That doesn't mean that she's unhappy and wants to leave 'anyway'. That's woman code for 'so what's going to happen afterwards, what do you say?'.

 

Hi Cressida,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I agree with you on this 100% . After speaking with mow a few nights ago, she asked me openly, what was my plan. You're so correct on the "woman talk" topic. She wants to make sure we are going to jump off the marriage bandwagon together and then start a life together.

 

Understandably, since you are rather young from your post and were indeed an ow to a mom and you have no kids, an A between married people seems like a mere simple addition math problem. Unfortunately, that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Having kids and being entangled in an A is a very complicated life event. If AP's think only inwardly of themselves, well that problem is easy to solve. Just move forward and not be considerate of x spouses and kids feelings involved and let the chips fall where they may. Those of us with kids and do think about their best interests as well as our spouses, wrestle daily with the anguish that only being ensnared in an A can bring forth.

 

The truth is, and i respect its all new to you, that an A with married folks is a very complex and dynamic problem that can't be solved by a mere directive. Every day, every decision and every word between AP's can mean the difference between the A surviving or expiring.,

 

I wrestle daily and my mow and i long to be with each other. She is more done with her H and my W, if i'm honest with myself, deserves a H who is more like her. Not very affectionate and semi detached. Mow and I, if we move forward, would have severe counseling sessions before and even after we join in matrimony. The stakes are so high for everyone involved.....that is why the quicksand of an A is more than just a game of hopscotch....it doesn't end when the school bell rings...the fatality of an A is ongoing.

[MuddyFootprints]

PPPFFFFFFTTTTT.

 

is that ten characters?

[anne1707]

I wrestle daily and my mow and i long to be with each other. She is more done with her H and my W, if i'm honest with myself, deserves a H who is more like her. Not very affectionate and semi detached. Mow and I, if we move forward, would have severe counseling sessions before and even after we join in matrimony. The stakes are so high for everyone involved.....that is why the quicksand of an A is more than just a game of hopscotch....it doesn't end when the school bell rings...the fatality of an A is ongoing.

 

Just a few points:

- if the OW was truly done with her marriage then she would leave her husband regardless of whether you did or not. You are just both full of ****

- I don't think your wife could be with anybody less affectionate or attached than you

- it's way more than "severe counselling" you need

- as for your final sentence... What on earth does that drivel all mean?

 

Maybe this would be of use to you:

 

Training

[MuddyFootprints]

I slept in a hotel somewhere.

 

Dulcolax. Get some.

[conflictedlove]

Wow. I am in disbelief that you would allow this woman to divorce her husband on some delusional hope that she will forget about your promise afterwards. You are going to let her destroy her life to avoid her finding out the truth about you, but it will all be in vain. She will figure out the truth- that you were leading her on- and she will probably tell your wife just because you were cruel enough to let her ruin her marriage. She will likely feel so betrayed by that, and not want you to get away with what you've done, so she might well retaliate. This can be avoided. Just be honest with her. If you care ANYTHING about the OW, you will be honest. Tell her you love her IF you do, but be completely blunt about the fact that you are NOT going to leave your wife.

 

Don't pretend you are doing it as a sacrifice for her. She will tell you she doesn't want you to. She will still expect you to be with her. You have to tell her, or you will destroy both your lives & any relationship between the two of you. If you do not, you are allowing her to end a marriage for a false promise. You risk absolutely destroying her life. This will not save you from any fallout, and will likely cause you even greater harm. If she leaves her husband for you- not because she otherwise wanted to- you are taking a HUGE gamble on thinking her job is going to keep her from expecting you to divorce your wife. There's still a good chance she will expect it. You will have to come clean, anyway. Even if you keep postponing, she'll figure you out. When she does, you're as caught as you are now, only she'll be even angrier at you. You won't JUST be caught up in lying about leaving, you'll also be the guy who lied so much he let her ruin her marriage to avoid telling her the truth beforehand that she's going to get afterwards, anyway.

 

In addition, there's a better chance that she will tell your wife if you let her divorce her husband, instead of just being truthful. If I was with a MM and he let me divorce my husband, instead of just telling me the truth, I would tell his wife. Normally, I don't believe in the affair partner telling the spouse, but in that case, I would. Then you will have to deal with all the fallout that could have been avoided. You are lying to yourself if you think you are getting out of this in any easier way than telling the other woman the truth.

 

Hi OMJ,

 

I agree with you that the truth must come out at some point. It's been over 18 months since this A started. See, what most people have not put together here is that mow, in her early 30's, has been married for most of her adult life. She's never really know an deep, intimate, emotionally invested relationship until now. Think back about the first time...how once you meet someone that brings so much to your world that you never saw possible and you find yourself now wanted more and more of it. Mow is in that place....and so am I...the problem is....i'm more aware of what this means than she is.

 

I only hoped that mow would take another company position so we could really sort things out. we can't be together since we are coworkers so one of us has to leave before we can really even move forward. Right now, I am so torn but i do know mow has changed my life so much and is woven into the fabric of my life that its not replaceable. Wanting to be with her always yet looking at my kids and how they have seen two parents in our household since their births has me feeling the weight of their wants over my own.

 

I do love mow..make no mistake about it....if kids were involved...i would still struggle and that's because of the innocence of my w and the fact she's doesn't want to be alone. I just wish there was an easy answer..there isn't..and coming upon the 2 yr mark is a rare feat....i don't know how AP's keep it going knowing the A demands more and more to the point the A has to become a LTR or die.

[conflictedlove]

- as for your final sentence... What on earth does that drivel all mean?

 

Anne....my dear young friend....its so good of you to finally reply.

 

I'm not adverse to company Anne...just know its been a long, joyful and often lonely A road. You of all people I would expect to understand the dynamics of an A....however it seems we have forgotten what it was like? The turmoil, the longing and the inability to break free knowing the grief would come somewhere.

 

I share with you dear anne...that what was presumed to be a mere moment in time A has blossomed into a virtual 2 yr commitment...beyond anything anyone could ever have imagined. It passed the 6 month mark and at this pace will continue to move forward with one caveat......the demand to evolve into a full blown relationship....that is the very meteor that no one had anticipated...not myself, you or anyone else.

 

There has to be AP's here who have encountered and even possibly cut away or moved on with their AP's.