The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Most A's end in the first 3-6 months for lack of depth or commitment. Hitting 1 year is an achievement of its own. Hitting 2 years is def proof that the relationship has the ingredients to go to the next step.

 

Read the vast majority of threads on this board and tell me this is still true. If anything, the longer affairs persist the more toxic they become to all involved.

 

Losing my own heart for the sake of saving someone else's may be noble....i caused it....if only to save mow and her life.....and as the captain.....i will go down with the ship at the expense of sparing mow, her family, my family and the support of LS family here.

 

I'm beginning to think the only reason you had this affair was to sate your deep-seated need to feel like a tragic hero. Have you considered joining the military? You could indulge your white knight complex and actually do some good.

[MissLilly]

I don't usually read this section but, oh boy, this thread... I must say it's one of the saddest things I've ever came across in my life. It's depressing.

 

When we think it's not possible a single person alone to create such a disaster and suffering, well, they come along and prove we are always wrong.

[Realist3]

Originally Posted by conflictedlove View Post

Most A's end in the first 3-6 months for lack of depth or commitment. Hitting 1 year is an achievement of its own. Hitting 2 years is def proof that the relationship has the ingredients to go to the next step.

 

I would tend to agree. What I disagree with is that you think this job change is going to change one single thing. It won't just fade to black; it will transition into something else.

[Blu72]

I would tend to agree. What I disagree with is that you think this job change is going to change one single thing. It won't just fade to black; it will transition into something else.

 

I agree with this. After a 1.5 years, my MM changed jobs and I thought it would be over too. It wasn't..it just changes the dynamic. But I do think you should let it go for everyone's sake.

[Ruffian1]

Quote: So now, the A ship starts to sink. The hole is at the bottom....i caused it....if only to save mow and her life.....and as the captain.....i will go down with the ship at the expense of sparing mow, her family, my family and the support of LS family here.

 

 

Lol, seriously?

 

 

Is that really how you feel?

 

Seems like a deep-seated need to feel like a tragic hero. Have you considered joining the military? You could indulge your white knight complex and actually do some good. But you have to have some REAL courage and be self-less.

 

 

Get real, you had/are having an A with a married OW behind your wife and childrens back, nothing great or unique there, just a common garden variety A, like most others post about here.

 

 

Sorry, what is the original question?

[conflictedlove]

That's good to hear.

 

What do you plan to do differently so that you feel more connected to your wife and family?

 

Hi Beach,

 

I have been on a journey. It's been unbelievable since my last post.

 

I am ashamed to admit, that nothing has changed even though a LOT has changed!

 

MOW is no longer at my company yet we just spent an intimate night at a discreet place.

 

We see each other only 1x a week but talk daily. I had hoped her new job would have consumed her and I would slowly die a death of sorrow. Rather than this happening, her resolve to separate from her H is more than ever.

 

Although its only been a month since mow has left my company for a new job and been there, we don't see each other often and I keep waiting for the relationship to fade. It's not. I totally underestimated this transition. I suspect it will fade soon. An argument that can't be reconciled by seeing someone quickly only leads to disdain and distance.

[conflictedlove]

I would tend to agree. What I disagree with is that you think this job change is going to change one single thing. It won't just fade to black; it will transition into something else.

 

Hi Realist,

 

How did you know!!!! mow has a new job and yet its morphing into a constant text and call each day. Yes, we don't physically see each other every other day like we used to, but we still talk and text all the time.

 

I can't help but wonder, like any long distance relationship, it can't last only seeing a person for an intimate encounter 1x a week at best?

 

I can honestly say I have been wrong on so many fronts since this started that I'm second guessing myself. I thought for sure this new job would lead to a fade to black. That not seeing mow and her not seeing me would eventually grow weary and tired. I still think that may hold true but I can tell mow is more resolved than ever to let her H know she's done.

 

I suspect she would have her h leave her regardless of me. She might actually benefit from being alone and starting a life that includes dating other men. I don't want that but who am I to say? I'd rather be the one she knows she wants then the one she only wants because she knows nothing else.

[conflictedlove]

I agree with this. After a 1.5 years, my MM changed jobs and I thought it would be over too. It wasn't..it just changes the dynamic. But I do think you should let it go for everyone's sake.

 

Hi Blu72,

 

Please explain how the dynamic changed for your A? Have you sustained the A and is it slowly but surely fading away? After all, a long distance, see you only 1x a week at best relationship can only last so long?

[conflictedlove]

I don't usually read this section but, oh boy, this thread... I must say it's one of the saddest things I've ever came across in my life. It's depressing.

 

When we think it's not possible a single person alone to create such a disaster and suffering, well, they come along and prove we are always wrong.

 

Hi Miss Lilly,

 

Thank you for your post

 

Well, let me say this to be honest.....I never did see this coming 2 years ago. I can say that and even when I asked for help here on on LS, it was suggested i run the other way before I got caught up in this full blown A.

 

Now that mow and i no longer work together, I assumed it would fade away like a long distance relationship. Ever have one of those? Those end pretty quickly.

 

Right now, it feels like this is all surreal. MOW I see 1x a week at best. I mean no relationship can stand that very long when we both have domestic and child commitments at home to tend to. Eventually, an argument that goes south, a friendly smile from a co worker that has more than just a smile behind it or just plain time eventually wear down even the best of intended relationships.

 

Please keep in mind that this A was born out of a stolen kiss on a clear night 2 years ago. Neither of us saw it passing the 6 month mark let along 1 and now 2 years. I can't help but wonder when the moment comes when we both realize the distance and lack of seeing each other forces a fade to black moment.

[conflictedlove]

If anything, the longer affairs persist the more toxic they become to all involved.

 

Hi Chimp,

 

Well this is news to me! I assume, regardless of time in the A, that its the distance and lack of seeing each other that eventually dooms the relationship. To go from seeing each other 2-5 times a week to now 1x a week at best is likely to bring forth a fade to black for the A. That moment when both partners realize, its over but no one wants to say it out loud. Concession to the death of the A is as hard as the the actually kiss goodbye.

[conflictedlove]

I never introduced her to anything. When she found out I had no idea how she would react. She just asked who it was, and that I keep it out of her face. That all that was ever said about it.

 

The background played a significant role in her reaction. Some 14 years ago after 7 years of marriage we started to have some serious discussions about divorce. She ended up getting pregnant, and those discussions ended. Some years later I had a secret admirer/stalker problem, and she flat out said, "If or when you do take one of these women up on their offer, I don't want to know about it and I especially don't want to hear about it in our social circle. Do not embarrass me." So clearly in her mind it was not out of the realm of possibility. While she didn't hear about it from our social circle, the MW is definitely in our social circle.

 

 

As for MW right near the beginning we had a very long discussion about what the A would be and not be. She said she didn't want to be a homewrecker to either of our families, and that was that. We agreed there would never be any plans/hopes/dreams of us leaving our families to be together. While the subject has come up now and again it never goes anywhere beyond idle chit chat. Us being together openly is about the last thing on my mind. I'm more interested to see how we transition in the coming year to several different dynamics loomng on the horizon.

 

Realist,

 

Thank you and I really do appreciate you sharing your background. I can see how this evolved and it wasn't as if your W is consenting directly. She doesn't want to know about it even though she knows something is going on?

 

As for mow, how long do you expect the relationship to go on this way before one of you really decides you want the other for the long run? I can't imagine years going by then all of a sudden one of you wants to stop or tries to stop. The other would be crushed beyond measure and may not be able to handle the thought of terminating the A

[conflictedlove]

I doubt that Realist's wife really "knows". He claims she does because of one of the cuff remark she made a long time ago, but if you read his very first thread on Love shack he tells a very different story.

 

Hi Anika,

 

Wow! I didn't know that! So the whole time I've been modeling an illusion of sorts? I mean, if he has done it they why can't everyone else?

[minimariah]

I doubt that Realist's wife really "knows". He claims she does because of one of the cuff remark she made a long time ago, but if you read his very first thread on Love shack he tells a very different story.

 

i remember his 1st thread & he mentioned right in the 1st post that his wife knows & she told him to keep it all away from her. so his story isn't that different at all unless, of course - he made it up.

 

I can't help but wonder, like any long distance relationship, it can't last only seeing a person for an intimate encounter 1x a week at best?

 

of course it can.

just because she changed her job and moved away, it doesn't mean you'll stop being in love with her. it doesn't work that way.

[Lurkeraspect]

Just admit it...you are addicted to drama.

[conflictedlove]

Just admit it...you are addicted to drama.

 

Or vice versa?

[conflictedlove]

 

 

 

of course it can.

just because she changed her job and moved away, it doesn't mean you'll stop being in love with her. it doesn't work that way.

 

Hi Minimariah

 

Please enlighten me! The natural course of dissolution from an A standpoint is usually distance and time? I assumed so but all of my assumptions seems to come crashing like violent tides against the seacliff rocks

[Blu72]

Hi Beach,

 

I have been on a journey. It's been unbelievable since my last post.

 

I am ashamed to admit, that nothing has changed even though a LOT has changed!

 

MOW is no longer at my company yet we just spent an intimate night at a discreet place.

 

We see each other only 1x a week but talk daily. I had hoped her new job would have consumed her and I would slowly die a death of sorrow. Rather than this happening, her resolve to separate from her H is more than ever.

 

Although its only been a month since mow has left my company for a new job and been there, we don't see each other often and I keep waiting for the relationship to fade. It's not. I totally underestimated this transition. I suspect it will fade soon. An argument that can't be reconciled by seeing someone quickly only leads to disdain and distance.

 

Trust me, the new job won't end it unless one of you resolve to end it. I worked with MM and a year and a half after the affair started he moved onto another company. I figured it would be over and I told myself I would not reach out and like you I thought it would die a slow death. He reached out after being gone 3 weeks. I tried to keep it to friendly once/twice a week/every other week emails. For 4 months, he would fish around to see if I was still in this thing with him and eventually it started back up. That was 3 years ago - still going on. So it won't end, the dynamic will just change.

[Realist3]

Hi Realist,

 

How did you know!!!! mow has a new job and yet its morphing into a constant text and call each day. Yes, we don't physically see each other every other day like we used to, but we still talk and text all the time.

 

I can't help but wonder, like any long distance relationship, it can't last only seeing a person for an intimate encounter 1x a week at best?

 

I can honestly say I have been wrong on so many fronts since this started that I'm second guessing myself. I thought for sure this new job would lead to a fade to black. That not seeing mow and her not seeing me would eventually grow weary and tired. I still think that may hold true but I can tell mow is more resolved than ever to let her H know she's done.

 

I suspect she would have her h leave her regardless of me. She might actually benefit from being alone and starting a life that includes dating other men. I don't want that but who am I to say? I'd rather be the one she knows she wants then the one she only wants because she knows nothing else.

 

I didn't know. I was just making a guess off of my own experience. If the relationship is true then it will last beyond any hurdles that come to pass.

[conflictedlove]

Confession Time....the end is near and how to adjust?

 

I have now come to face the man in the mirror and have to deal with the reality of what's happened.

 

I can't believe believe mow and I met over 2 years ago at work and now, after she has been gone for 2 months, i assumed we would drift...that i would fall on the sword and the dreams we had shared between we other would fade, like a sunset drifting into the night over a dark ocean.

 

Now, mow and I continue to see each other in spite of the job change for her and the very thing I had not seen is now happening...mow and i continue to overcome not working for the same company and talk daily as well as make time to see each other. i anticipate seeing her next week and spend the night with her.

 

I have finally looked at where we are at......and i don't know how so many here have successfully made it happen.....but keeping an A in a place where both AP's stay with their spouses and not long to be with each other on a permanent basis. I feel the gravitation pull to be with mow and she does with me. WE both talk about how we will tell our spouses we might be done. She has it harder since her h is a puppet and lifeless...so she's basically an infant needing her every moment she's away or at home. My w is dependent on me financially and I am the primary decision maker in the home. I have a hard time thinking about not being with my w. my kids, her life feeling lost, her making mistakes and dating around, etc. I know its not my concern but i don't want her to get hurt. maybe in my own distorted way I want to protect my w but i can't if it comes down to me and mow being together.

 

one thing i keep struggling with is mow and i..the age gap (early 30's for her late 40's for me), she's much more softer and weaker when dealing with her h that he has no life away from her...none.....and that she could...do this to me. I don't believe she will but there's just something i fear about it...risking it all and ending up losing......it keeps me up at night.

 

i don't know how successful ap's relationships and marriages work out when they are together. probably slim. I can start to see why. I can see at times how mow can influenced and i can see another man doing the same to her. she's pretty sharp and guarded, but i don't think it would be that hard to reach her heart if someone was committed to getting there and eventually i feel like she would end up doing to me what she's done to her h (although he's clueless and i'm such a skeptic i question her to death about everything).

 

maybe the question i have is...do i just not future fake anymore and keep those convos away...just talk about how much we welcome our relationship? i don't even know how future faking got into the A but it did....and mow i believe would love more than anything than to tell her H and be done with it. Then again, he would be so lost she probably would take him back. I have been with other gf's that had bf's and it always seems that they go back.

[Lurkeraspect]

You could have just written; nothing has changed.

[amomwhoknows]

How about going no contact with the OW for six months? NOW. You have written that your own childhood was terribly impacted by your mother being a single mom. Are you busy rewriting that history in your head too?

 

You need to either tell your wife now (and she will find out about the affair, she probably isn't as fragile as you believe) or you need to focus all your energy on saving the marriage.

 

You need to run the child support calculators and spousal support calculators (or learn the common practices) in your state. Get what this is going to cost you. Expect to have minimum custody as well.

 

Also, time you are spending with the OW is time away from the kids that you claim to love. So it is already impacting them negatively.

 

Go no contact, clear your head, figure out what you are really willing to lose.

 

Edited to add-- I have been reading the forum for a while, but your latest post pushed me to register. You need to pull your self together.

Edited March 30, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[Hope Shimmers]

and the very thing I had not seen is now happening...mow and i continue to overcome not working for the same company and talk daily as well as make time to see each other. i anticipate seeing her next week and spend the night with her.

 

You have 32 pages of people telling you that was going to happen. Including the posts immediately above your update. And now you are saying it was the 'very thing you had not seen'?

 

smh.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Seriously?

 

Make a decision and own it. (By the way, even choosing to do nothing is still a choice).

 

You have three options;

End the affair, work on your marriage.

End your marriage.

Stay as is.

 

Even if your decision is option 3, fair enough, but accept the consequences of that decision.

[Popsicle]

You could have just written; nothing has changed.

 

I'm pretty convinced that MP's who know they can't or won't leave their spouse but are having an A, do so because they love the emotional highs and lows. They love the drama. I know mine did.

 

It's just the kind of drama they need in their life to assuage their boredom with life.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Popsicle

[blackgnat]

For the LOVE OF GOD!!!!! PLEASE let's not feed the beast any longer.

 

 

I can't bear the idea of reading more of his posts and seeing the same drivel, the same "conflict", the same non-problem...

 

 

Of course, I can choose NOT to click on his posts (it's kinda like a trainwreck, where you can't look away) but I'm the eternal optimist and keep hoping that there'll be a truly new and revolutionary development, or an epiphany of some sort. A genuine one though, not just the same idea couched in different terms. I continue to be sorely disappointed.

 

 

You know he's going to start bleating on about his mow and how nothing has changed for either of them. He deserves some sort of accolade for being able to keep all of this drama going. But his ego is big enough.

 

 

Rant over. I'm out....