The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[Confused48]

I find it humorous that you thought being separated by time and distance would make the affair feelings fade. Have you not heard the phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

 

Its not always true of course. However, since affairs are based on people spending very short periods of time together, on their best behavior, no real life problems of a relationship intruding, well then add to that even less time together, even more cherry picking behaviors, you are bound to be even more drawn to the fantasy belief that you are in love. The two of you will be even more dedicated to keeping the affair alive.

[awkward]

You have 32 pages of people telling you that was going to happen. Including the posts immediately above your update. And now you are saying it was the 'very thing you had not seen'?

 

smh.

 

Being the Captain of the ship and all, one would think he would be in control of this navigation and at least know the forecast. We have done trains and ships. I am waiting for planes!

[Cinnimon]

Why don't you just be honest, what have you got to lose? Oh wait, everything. If you tell both your wife and the OW the truth most likely you'd be free from both. You would be the one screwing yourself over rather than screwing the others over.

After your OW finds out that your future faking was just that, FAKE, she might just solve your problems for you by walking away and by telling your BS exactly what you have done and continue to do.

[conflictedlove]

Also, time you are spending with the OW is time away from the kids that you claim to love. So it is already impacting them negatively.

 

Edited to add-- I have been reading the forum for a while, but your latest post pushed me to register. You need to pull your self together.

 

Hi amomwhoknows,

 

Thank you so much for your post and feedback.

 

I have thought long and hard about my time with mow and how i would have spent that with my kids. it's actually bothering me as you brought it up again.

 

I do believe as you mentioned, in a preferred way, all AP's could pull out of their A's and think things through. IT's not possible..it would be equal to ending the relationship with I assume most AP's won't or can't do that. Yet, there are some who have come to the conclusion the A will stay in its current state for years! I don't know the ingredients or magic on how that can happen. I wish i did!

 

mow took her now job 3 months ago and i thought for sure we would start to gravitate away, naturally. Not so! mow and i still talk via text everyday and still see each other 2-3 times per week (lunch, dinner, movie, room). It's different...and I never saw this coming....it's different that the A is still burning and alive......with continued superficial talks about going to the alter. I think its future faking imo but i can admit here i have given it some thought.

 

We are going on 3 years in about 4 months. i can't believe it. Does it say or mean anything that we have since most A's only last 6 months max?

[Mount]

For $$%% sake, this thread of posts should be closed, so meanless and so pointless...

 

Reader should feel resentful continuing reading all pointless expression here.

 

Hi amomwhoknows,

 

Thank you so much for your post and feedback.

 

I have thought long and hard about my time with mow and how i would have spent that with my kids. it's actually bothering me as you brought it up again.

 

I do believe as you mentioned, in a preferred way, all AP's could pull out of their A's and think things through. IT's not possible..it would be equal to ending the relationship with I assume most AP's won't or can't do that. Yet, there are some who have come to the conclusion the A will stay in its current state for years! I don't know the ingredients or magic on how that can happen. I wish i did!

 

mow took her now job 3 months ago and i thought for sure we would start to gravitate away, naturally. Not so! mow and i still talk via text everyday and still see each other 2-3 times per week (lunch, dinner, movie, room). It's different...and I never saw this coming....it's different that the A is still burning and alive......with continued superficial talks about going to the alter. I think its future faking imo but i can admit here i have given it some thought.

 

We are going on 3 years in about 4 months. i can't believe it. Does it say or mean anything that we have since most A's only last 6 months max?

[conflictedlove]

Why don't you just be honest, what have you got to lose? Oh wait, everything. If you tell both your wife and the OW the truth most likely you'd be free from both. You would be the one screwing yourself over rather than screwing the others over.

After your OW finds out that your future faking was just that, FAKE, she might just solve your problems for you by walking away and by telling your BS exactly what you have done and continue to do.

 

Hi Cinnimon,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I know deep down I would love to be open and tell my w but i can't. she's dependent on me for so much and yet, when i think about being with mow, i see that my w has let her family into our relationship for so many years that i can say she spends more time talking to her siblings then she does her own kids at times, let alone me. it's not her fault. it's my fault too! i am to blame for now bringing in a 3rd person to meet my needs outside of having kids, tending to them and having some sort of stability.

 

what scares me about mow is that she's just younger than i, married very very young and doesn't really have the battle scares to know what she really wants. yes, she wants me for now....because i'm better than what she has her in mind, but who's to say that won't change with me? then i'm left holding the knife, thrown away the stability of my marriage and kids for mow who all of a sudden decided to be a young woman and try someone different. Don't get me wrong, mow would marry me in a heartbeat....but that doesn't mean she won't have the itch later?

[conflictedlove]

You have 32 pages of people telling you that was going to happen. Including the posts immediately above your update. And now you are saying it was the 'very thing you had not seen'?

 

smh.

 

Hi Hope,

 

I really did not see this coming. What I mean by that is, in some small way, I had assumed the distance, no longer working with each other and the time away would naturally progress into the relationship moving farther apart. I admit, I did not see it coming.....and I mean we are seeing each other 2-3 times per week and at times it feels like there's no end in sight. I will also admit mow does appear to have an addictive personality, so that may be partly why we have sustained almost 3 years of this A by now.

 

I would assume, and probably incorrectly, that once an A goes past 6 months, there's usually more to the A as it has evolved into a relationship?

[conflictedlove]

 

You have three options;

End the affair, work on your marriage.

End your marriage.

Stay as is.

 

Even if your decision is option 3, fair enough, but accept the consequences of that decision.

 

Hi Gloria,

 

Thank you for your post and yes, I agree that at some point, one of the three options will have to win above all. That's when there's no winner....only tears and sorry. If i had to admit, i'm in all 3 states. I am madly in love with mow or i'm in love with the idea of being with someone who can be open, loving and always there no matter what. Yes, my w has been but we lack any real substance in our relationship and that's our problem. we both brought in other things and people to the marriage and this is no shock. if she was more independent or even had an A of her own, I would feel so much better letting my w go but i know she has not and she really needs me. So does mow! So do my kids! There's no winner winners no matter what

 

The only thing i keep asking myself is...how long can i keep this up? every time i spend time with mow i don't with my kids and it does bother me. i see my son who is young teen probably starting to suffer and it makes me feel like i have to decide. do i hurt his mother and he may never forgive me, yet allow him to be part of a relationship that excel or do i let him witness and assume its ok to marry and stay in complacency?

[Mount]

"conflictedlove", are you going to repeatly post the same whining for another 33 PAGES?

 

Even your OW was doing some change in her life, you are just the same old same whining continuously.

 

Open a blog or something else to seek attention is better.

 

 

For the LOVE OF GOD!!!!! PLEASE let's not feed the beast any longer.

 

 

I can't bear the idea of reading more of his posts and seeing the same drivel, the same "conflict", the same non-problem...

 

 

Of course, I can choose NOT to click on his posts (it's kinda like a trainwreck, where you can't look away) but I'm the eternal optimist and keep hoping that there'll be a truly new and revolutionary development, or an epiphany of some sort. A genuine one though, not just the same idea couched in different terms. I continue to be sorely disappointed.

 

 

You know he's going to start bleating on about his mow and how nothing has changed for either of them. He deserves some sort of accolade for being able to keep all of this drama going. But his ego is big enough.

 

 

Rant over. I'm out....

[conflictedlove]

I'm pretty convinced that MP's who know they can't or won't leave their spouse but are having an A, do so because they love the emotional highs and lows. They love the drama. I know mine did.

 

It's just the kind of drama they need in their life to assuage their boredom with life.

 

Hi Popsicle.

 

I totally understand and yes, as you mentioned, if you AP was only using you to fill in a void that would be very disappointing unless you saw it the same and both consented to the relationship being merely a short time gain.

 

As far as AP's and their addiction to the A, it's a scientific fact! Dr. Helen Fisher did a study (you can google it) on the brains of those lovers who needed their fixation of their partner. The same stimuli that came out of those lovers is the same for those addicted to narcotics! AP's will stop at nothing to be with each other. That is the interesting part. The other dark side no one wants to talk about is the high can't or won't last. I have no idea the longevity of AP's who come together, but I suspect its not a high success right although i want it to be so desperately.

[conflictedlove]

Even your OW was doing some change in her life

 

Hi Mount,

 

Thank you and i do understand your point. It's not about change...its about how the A has conquered almost 3 years of survival and now like a hungry t-rex dinosaur, it's going to come back and consume someone.

 

I am trying to gain some sense of clarity as to what to do next. MOW and I are steam rolling ahead and i can tell my w has no intentions of letting go and actually seems indifferent to me being gone so often (with mow). it's like that's the relationship in our marriage and i can't help but wonder who would accept that unless someone who just is satisfied with the minimum since she has her family she deals with all day long.

 

part of me does not want to have my w with another man, but if she did, i would feel less guilt than i do today. MOW on the other hand, she still feels like a risk and as much as i want to believe, i can't help but wonder if the A relationship is just that, just me wanting to believe

[conflictedlove]

I find it humorous that you thought being separated by time and distance would make the affair feelings fade. Have you not heard the phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

 

Its not always true of course. However, since affairs are based on people spending very short periods of time together, on their best behavior, no real life problems of a relationship intruding, well then add to that even less time together, even more cherry picking behaviors, you are bound to be even more drawn to the fantasy belief that you are in love. The two of you will be even more dedicated to keeping the affair alive.

 

Hi Confused,

 

Thank you for your post and yes, I agree with you. Thank you for the VERY ENLIGHTENING thoughts.

 

Wow, I have to admit i'm rethinking a few things here with mow now. Yes, we only see each other 2-3 times per week and the longest period of time is when we are at a hotel room (4 hours) and having both intimate conversations without words and with.

 

During those intimate conversations, we speak of each other and who we are, our backgrounds and our love for other. I am confident that we do have a relationship with each other more than just an A but I will admit, there have been times when I was glad mow had to go home after we spent time together and a disagreement or fallout occurred. Although we always talk through our disputes, usually that night, we are really good at being honest with each other because we can talk and want the relationship to be unlike any other we have ever had or will ever have.

 

That being said, the way I assume I'll know for sure is when we get to spend 2 days and nights together soon. In about a month, then I think I'll know. Will we flourish and just love being next to each other or will we be tired of each other waiting for the mini vacation to end? will we spend our time talking about anything and everything or on our phone texting others and working? These are all good questions you now have me asking myself

[conflictedlove]

Being the Captain of the ship and all, one would think he would be in control of this navigation and at least know the forecast. We have done trains and ships. I am waiting for planes!

 

Hi Awkward,

 

Thank you and I can't help but wonder, you mentioned you were a BS or AP? Or both? Do you know the intoxicating snare that happens to AP's and once they get passed the 6 month mark, they are in a full blow relationship that may or may not stand the test of time? I realize if you were a BS, you won't like that and I don't know if the aversion you have is due to what your ex partner did?

[RoseVille]

"conflictedlove", are you going to repeatly post the same whining for another 33 PAGES?

 

Even your OW was doing some change in her life, you are just the same old same whining continuously.

 

Open a blog or something else to seek attention is better.

 

LS is here for the OP to talk and get it out. It's not helpful to direct him to go elsewhere. Just ignore this posts/threads if you're annoyed.

 

Besides, it's helpful to me as a (f)OW, and to other OW I'm sure, to see how twisted and convoluted a MM's thinking can be.

[Mount]

I understand LS is an open forum, but this OP's topic, over 33 pages is being beyond "get it out". It is kind of a narcissist self-admires his never-ending Affair as he wants both wife and OW - which even does not like her wife to have another man...

 

In my opnion, that is beyond Affair, this is kind of extreme sickness.

 

 

Guess at this point, if no one replies, how long the convolution will continue, not another 33 pages I assume.

 

LS is here for the OP to talk and get it out. It's not helpful to direct him to go elsewhere. Just ignore this posts/threads if you're annoyed.

 

Besides, it's helpful to me as a (f)OW, and to other OW I'm sure, to see how twisted and convoluted a MM's thinking can be.

[conflictedlove]

LS is here for the OP to talk and get it out. It's not helpful to direct him to go elsewhere. Just ignore this posts/threads if you're annoyed.

 

Besides, it's helpful to me as a (f)OW, and to other OW I'm sure, to see how twisted and convoluted a MM's thinking can be.

 

Hi Rose,

 

Thank you so much for your post! You are just what the Dr ordered!

 

As a former mow, I have so many questions about what it was like for you and how you transitioned out?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how long was your A and did you truly have plans to leave your H for your AP? Why or why not?

[GirlStillStrong]

Hi Hope,

 

I really did not see this coming. What I mean by that is, in some small way, I had assumed the distance, no longer working with each other and the time away would naturally progress into the relationship moving farther apart. I admit, I did not see it coming.....and I mean we are seeing each other 2-3 times per week and at times it feels like there's no end in sight. I will also admit mow does appear to have an addictive personality, so that may be partly why we have sustained almost 3 years of this A by now.

 

I would assume, and probably incorrectly, that once an A goes past 6 months, there's usually more to the A as it has evolved into a relationship?

 

No, in my experience the amount of time you spend in an affair does nothing to advance it into a bonafide relationship. Quite the opposite.

[purplesorrow]

Hi Gloria,

 

Thank you for your post and yes, I agree that at some point, one of the three options will have to win above all. That's when there's no winner....only tears and sorry. If i had to admit, i'm in all 3 states. I am madly in love with mow or i'm in love with the idea of being with someone who can be open, loving and always there no matter what. Yes, my w has been but we lack any real substance in our relationship and that's our problem. we both brought in other things and people to the marriage and this is no shock. if she was more independent or even had an A of her own, I would feel so much better letting my w go but i know she has not and she really needs me. So does mow! So do my kids! There's no winner winners no matter what

 

The only thing i keep asking myself is...how long can i keep this up? every time i spend time with mow i don't with my kids and it does bother me. i see my son who is young teen probably starting to suffer and it makes me feel like i have to decide. do i hurt his mother and he may never forgive me, yet allow him to be part of a relationship that excel or do i let him witness and assume its ok to marry and stay in complacency?

 

You'll continue until you're caught and force your wife to decide for you. You'll be giving the same speech when your son is in college. This is nonsense. Not sure you're real.

[RoseVille]

Hi Rose,

 

Thank you so much for your post! You are just what the Dr ordered!

 

As a former mow, I have so many questions about what it was like for you and how you transitioned out?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how long was your A and did you truly have plans to leave your H for your AP? Why or why not?

 

I'm a former/recovering OW, not a MOW. I'm single.

 

And even if I were a fMOW, don't assume former means that the MOW left their spouse. Former just means not in that situation anymore; the end result isn't specified.

Edited May 18, 2015 by RoseVille

[beach]

I certainly hope something changes in this twisted relationship that makes things different - as this guy has been posting for more time than the A has been active with nothing offered but more questions to all.

 

HE hasn't done anything many posters have suggested - in fact, quite the opposite of the suggestions made - and then "found himself" in this affair.

 

He's in this affair because he keeps participating. It is designed to hurt many. Nothing he's described in the past 3+ years has been about honesty.

 

 

 

And he returns and asks more questions. Ignores the answers - and continues on the same path.

 

To the OW... Yes, there is info to be gleaned from his posts... This MM asks questions and continues hurting so many - all in order to have whatever it is he chooses.

 

 

His questions have no answers.

 

To the OP - honesty would help those around you. Change is good.

[conflictedlove]

 

In my opnion, that is beyond Affair, this is kind of extreme sickness.

 

Hi Mount,

 

Based on your bio and the posts you have here on LS, I can see you are a former MOW! So there's some pain associated with the AP topic and the whole idea being a MM running rampant in an A.

 

I'll be upfront and let you know, as enticing as that idea might be, I didn't see or know that my A would grow from an infant 3-6 month window all the way until a full blown relationship.

 

I can also see that being in an A as a full blown relationship is impossible to give oneself to all. I also, as mentioned earlier, that the idea behind being with an AP is a preview since AP's may not have the liberty of living with each and letting all the human elements of who we are come to play

[conflictedlove]

No, in my experience the amount of time you spend in an affair does nothing to advance it into a bonafide relationship. Quite the opposite.

 

Hi Girl,

 

Please explain what that means? Are you saying the the longer the A goes on, the it has an opposite effect of a bonafide relationship which would mean the A would distant and die?

[Mount]

Stop continue twisting around, "we" are not your OW or wife, do not toyed with us, come on.

 

Also, do not assume anything, being a adult, (I) do not post anything does not mean things in real do not progress - do not assume I am former OW, plus I am not married anyway.

 

And stop being so full of yourself, that is kind childish and ridiculous. Your age please.

 

Hi Mount,

 

Based on your bio and the posts you have here on LS, I can see you are a former MOW! So there's some pain associated with the AP topic and the whole idea being a MM running rampant in an A.

 

I'll be upfront and let you know, as enticing as that idea might be, I didn't see or know that my A would grow from an infant 3-6 month window all the way until a full blown relationship.

 

I can also see that being in an A as a full blown relationship is impossible to give oneself to all. I also, as mentioned earlier, that the idea behind being with an AP is a preview since AP's may not have the liberty of living with each and letting all the human elements of who we are come to play

[GirlStillStrong]

Hi Gloria,

 

Thank you for your post and yes, I agree that at some point, one of the three options will have to win above all. That's when there's no winner....only tears and sorry. If i had to admit, i'm in all 3 states. I am madly in love with mow or i'm in love with the idea of being with someone who can be open, loving and always there no matter what. Yes, my w has been but we lack any real substance in our relationship and that's our problem. we both brought in other things and people to the marriage and this is no shock. if she was more independent or even had an A of her own, I would feel so much better letting my w go but i know she has not and she really needs me. So does mow! So do my kids! There's no winner winners no matter what

 

The only thing i keep asking myself is...how long can i keep this up? every time i spend time with mow i don't with my kids and it does bother me. i see my son who is young teen probably starting to suffer and it makes me feel like i have to decide. do i hurt his mother and he may never forgive me, yet allow him to be part of a relationship that excel or do i let him witness and assume its ok to marry and stay in complacency?

Do you and your w spend time with your children, together? That is the best option. The next best option is for you to spend as much time with him or them as possible, regardless of who is with you.

 

There is also the issue of your own happiness and serving as a good role model. Your kid doesn't really care if you are hopelessly in love with your wife or not. Nor does he know that you are suffering through an "incompatible" marriage, unless you told him or refuse to spend time with him together with your wife. What he needs is for you two to get along and both spend time with him, and pay sufficient attention to HIM. If you're having a hot and heavy affair with someone else, devoting your attention to your own needs and that of your OW, I think it's safe to say you're not devoting enough attention to your kids.

 

ANY relationship you get into is going to have its difficulties and you are not going to be 100% compatible with ANYONE. You are stuck in affair mode with OW, have never had to work through any normal relationship difficulties of true import, and have no idea what it is going to be like to be married to or living with this woman. Your fears about her and whether or not the two of you would last are not unfounded. But I personally choose to live my life according to what I want my life to be like, not according to my fears. And I am not afraid to live alone, although I once was, when I was rather young. Part of maturing, emotionally, is facing your fears head-on.

 

It is fine to decide you want to remain married and have an affair, if that is what you are comfortable with. What is not fine is not being honest about it, and especially not telling your wife what you are doing (which she has EVERY right to know) which would allow HER to choose for HERSELF whether she wants to remain married to YOU or not. It is also not fine to mislead OW of your intentions to remain married to your wife and continue only an affair. So, choose whichever of the three options available to you that you like, but afford everyone else the same opportunity to make the best decisions for themselves as you afford yourself. Quit being so self-righteous and/or self-centered (ie immature) in your insistence on putting your OWN interests above everyone else's and making everyone else's decisions for them.

[GirlStillStrong]

Hi Girl,

 

Please explain what that means? Are you saying the the longer the A goes on, the it has an opposite effect of a bonafide relationship which would mean the A would distant and die?

 

An affair is an affair. It is a specific type of relationship, with limited contact, limited responsibility, and hardly any semblance of a REAL relationship. You never move past infatuation stage; you don't have to. There are no real conflicts, and no real issues or difficulties, because there is no commitment. If you don't like something you walk away from it long enough for things to cool off and can pick right back up and start anew later on. If you DID convert it into a real bonafide relationship where you have to live with one another, share a bathroom, share responsibilities, take care of one another (all the things that make relationships and marriages the HARD WORK they actually are), you'd still have problems and difficulties to deal with and trade-offs to make, albeit different ones than you have in your current relationship with your wife. NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE is going to ever be your perfect partner. And quite honestly, that your wife has put up with your a s s for as long as she has is a testament to her goodness. So quit lying to her and cheating on her, quit blaming her for not being your idea of a perfect spouse, and quit being passive aggressive toward her. Let MOW who you are scared will dump you in the long run go back to her marriage and get a fricking hobby you can share with your long-suffering wife.