The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[bathtub-row]

Hi Bathtub,

 

Well I agree and yes, let me enlighten you and others here on what's happened....

 

mow and i will see each other tomorrow intimate private setting. she is going to press me about the convo of our next steps. i know she sees her H as a child who can't make his own decisions and is very self centered. ONce our A started, she knew that i put her first and adored who she is and not what she put out. she would have been fine being the leader of the home but now she knows there's a better, more fulfilling opportunity with me.

 

Despite what happens between the two of you, she will probably still leave her husband. It sounds like she's very unhappy and it's doubtful that that marriage will last.

 

As far as you and her are concerned, I don't think anything matters as much as your age difference and I think that's what you need to talk to her about. I think all the other stuff is just noise because, the truth is, if you were confident that she were more settled and mature and knew what she wanted for certain, you would leave your marriage for her. But it's the wild card that's throwing you into a tailspin, and it's understandable.

 

So the real issue is this: are you willing to gamble and take a shot at being with her, or are you going to play it smart, safe - whatever you want to call it - and a stay in your marriage? I'm sure neither of these options will make you feel completely happy or completely sad. They're both going to bring you a lot of sadness in some shape or form. I guess with those things considered, it's best to think years down the road and think about what's really important to you.

 

You also should consider the possibility that if OW gets angry enough at you, she may tell your wife about the affair. It's doubtful that she would do that but she may feel that you've led her on only to drop her in the last hour. You need to consider this possibility and be ready for it.

 

Just so you know, it's very doubtful that OW's new job will be a distraction for her. Women who are heartbroken are rarely able to be distracted away from those feelings very easily. What I would say about that, though, is that if she is so interested in being with you, why is she moving away so that you two see less of one another? Also, is she aware that you're most likely going to want to stay near your children if you leave your wife? It doesn't seem to me that she's laying any solid groundwork for the relationship the two of you have.

[conflictedlove]

Despite what happens between the two of you, she will probably still leave her husband. It sounds like she's very unhappy and it's doubtful that that marriage will last.

 

As far as you and her are concerned, I don't think anything matters as much as your age difference and I think that's what you need to talk to her about. I think all the other stuff is just noise because, the truth is, if you were confident that she were more settled and mature and knew what she wanted for certain, you would leave your marriage for her. But it's the wild card that's throwing you into a tailspin, and it's understandable.

 

So the real issue is this: are you willing to gamble and take a shot at being with her, or are you going to play it smart, safe - whatever you want to call it - and a stay in your marriage? I'm sure neither of these options will make you feel completely happy or completely sad. They're both going to bring you a lot of sadness in some shape or form. I guess with those things considered, it's best to think years down the road and think about what's really important to you.

 

You also should consider the possibility that if OW gets angry enough at you, she may tell your wife about the affair. It's doubtful that she would do that but she may feel that you've led her on only to drop her in the last hour. You need to consider this possibility and be ready for it.

 

Just so you know, it's very doubtful that OW's new job will be a distraction for her. Women who are heartbroken are rarely able to be distracted away from those feelings very easily. What I would say about that, though, is that if she is so interested in being with you, why is she moving away so that you two see less of one another? Also, is she aware that you're most likely going to want to stay near your children if you leave your wife? It doesn't seem to me that she's laying any solid groundwork for the relationship the two of you have.

 

Hi Bathtub,

 

You're amazing..you have such powerful insight! I agree the age issue, although not an issue for mow (she's been married 1/3 of her life and in early 30's), its an issue for me. i don't know the odds but as you said, it can work but i need to be realistic and thing long term. She will tire and even though she wants to lasso me emotionally and physically, she can be influenced and i believe with the right ingredients, right into another A. What makes me think if it happened between us (we both were definitely void in our marriages) it can't happen with someone else? She grew attached and i am a supporting type, just like you are. So we both were ripe.

 

The fact that you have articulated things i have wrestled with (age gap, mow leaving her h regardless of me, gambling my role as a close parent and feeling a constant void my w doesn't really know me) and that's what i think i need some reassurance on. Let me be honest..i've dated, LTR's and STR's. Like so many others, I've taken chances and even though my mind said pause, my heart said go and I did...many times getting the rugged pulled from under me. So now, i look at mow as that same risk....wanting to go for it but the stakes are so much higher now. The grief was unbearable then and i was single..just imagine now? that's scares me deep down and i'm safe saying it here.

 

mow's plan would be to work elsewhere and yes, she doesn't want to but she knows thats the only way we can take the next step (not as coworkers). She is torn knowing we won't see each other but she would be able to survive w/o her H and for about 6 months before we come out of the closet. 6 months would allow her to work out her relationship with her H, visitation, being divorced and really getting a chance to let herself feel independent. I think it would be good for her as well as me. I suspect she may like it and to be honest, the idea that this may give her time to think about what she really wants. This way, i don't leave my w unless i know mow is really ready and its what we both really want.

 

As far as staying close to my children, mow is very open to that. she wants that and even been open to relocating closer to me. i'm mixed about that...i just don't know..the thought is over whelming. This whole thing is. I'm struggling with my role as a father and looking at my kids and letting them down. i look at my w and realize just like you said, its a gamble. being with my w is safe but so distant that is not a marriage. i'm just a provider first. Her mind and heart don't click with mine. never have and it breaks my heart thinking about it.

[Popsicle]

So many people get divorced each year who have children or not, in a affair or not! I think there is some mental illness in those who have some crazy looping mindset if to stay in affairs their whole life or make a decision to leave the situation, and do as many others do, many, divorce! They either stay single and date or marry again and start a new family and still stay involved with children from their past relationship.

 

This bears reposting.

 

I was a SAHM too who divorced and I survived. Jeezus.

 

OP, you either need to stop future faking with the OW and tell her the A is over, OR leave your W. Contrary to popular doom and gloom, you won't be leaving your kids if you divorce. They will still be in your life if you want them to be. The courts will help you with that if your W tries to prevent that.

 

But, more than likely, you just need to tell the OW that it's all been just a nice idea for you but you aren't leaving. It's time for the fantasy to end.

[2sunny]

Your W will be fine when you divorce her. In fact, it gives her a golden opportunity to choose a man she deserves and that will love her above anyone else. Which she's not getting now.

 

And you and your OW can live happily ever after.

 

I say go for it.

 

Your posting style looks familiar - have you ever posted here under another username?

[conflictedlove]

This bears reposting.

 

I was a SAHM too who divorced and I survived. Jeezus.

 

OP, you either need to stop future faking with the OW and tell her the A is over, OR leave your W. Contrary to popular doom and gloom, you won't be leaving your kids if you divorce. They will still be in your life if you want them to be. The courts will help you with that if your W tries to prevent that.

 

But, more than likely, you just need to tell the OW that it's all been just a nice idea for you but you aren't leaving. It's time for the fantasy to end.

 

Hi Popsicle,

 

This is a tall order and yes I know an impasse is inevitably going to lead to heartache and grief. No winning.

 

I don't know what SAHM is yet but I assume you're the victim

Of an A? It's one thing to be married to a strong independent woman. My w isn't like that and I think she sees me as a father figure and provider.

 

As far as mow yes I am hoping once she lands her feet on another job outside of our own that she will have time to decide what she really wants. I feel she will get a better idea what she wants and then decide on her own. I suspect she will grow tired of the distance and just be done with maybe that's a self fulfilling prophecy but that's how the story always ends right?

[beach]

Hi Popsicle,

 

This is a tall order and yes I know an impasse is inevitably going to lead to heartache and grief. No winning.

 

I don't know what SAHM is yet but I assume you're the victim

Of an A? It's one thing to be married to a strong independent woman. My w isn't like that and I think she sees me as a father figure and provider.

 

As far as mow yes I am hoping once she lands her feet on another job outside of our own that she will have time to decide what she really wants. I feel she will get a better idea what she wants and then decide on her own. I suspect she will grow tired of the distance and just be done with maybe that's a self fulfilling prophecy but that's how the story always ends right?

 

No, it's not how it ends. You are sneaky and conniving. That's the cowards way to "supposedly" end it.

 

When a person intends any relationship to end - they simply tell the other person it's over and then stop participating.

 

You're being cruel to both your W and your OW.

 

D day may not be coming because you don't really take control of making anything happen.

 

Looks like your train hasn't derailed YET and your boat is still floating. And I guess you haven't jumped off that cliff yet.

 

Set you wife free to find a real man.

[Popsicle]

Hi Popsicle,

 

This is a tall order and yes I know an impasse is inevitably going to lead to heartache and grief. No winning.

 

I don't know what SAHM is yet but I assume you're the victim

Of an A? It's one thing to be married to a strong independent woman. My w isn't like that and I think she sees me as a father figure and provider.

 

As far as mow yes I am hoping once she lands her feet on another job outside of our own that she will have time to decide what she really wants. I feel she will get a better idea what she wants and then decide on her own. I suspect she will grow tired of the distance and just be done with maybe that's a self fulfilling prophecy but that's how the story always ends right?

 

SAHM means "Stay at home mom". I was completely dependent upon my husband and I am far from a "strong independent woman". And yes I have been an OW before (after divorce), but I would not call myself a victim. I see things clearly now and I can see your situation clearly. You should be focused on your own decisions and what you want/are going to do, rather than keep talking about what your OW is going to do/think/feel when she divorces. You are deflecting your own decisions onto her just to buy more time. The truth is, you will never leave and you need to accept that and be truthful to your OW NOW rather than later after lives have been altered. She will probably stay with her H upon learning that you never intend to leave your W. Don't be selfish.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Popsicle

[Scorpio Chick]

 

What I am leaning towards is letting my w go. I can't fathom the impact on my kids. It freaks me out. My son is already a teen and dealing with depression. My other younger kids no doubt would be scared and hurt.

 

I couldn't sleep the other night thinking about all this. I just feel so lost

 

I quoted this to bring up your question about does divorce harm kids. You have mentioned your wife is passive and you have a lot of flexibility with your time. YOU HAVE KIDS. What do you do with them? Is there ANYTHING you could be doing with them, oh, let's say, during that 5 hour of time you spend presumably having sex with the other woman?

 

People want to pretend divorce doesn't affect kids, but SOMETHING is already affecting your teenage son. This world has gotten a whole hell of a lot scarier, can we all agree on that? In one week's worth of news, we all know 2 people have been beheaded. Now a third. This isn't your fault, OP, but your kids need you in a myriad of ways that cannot begin to be listed here.

 

None of us are feeling safer or more secure in the world, and divorce, if nothing else, thrusts in a minor's world, the fact that their own 'world' cannot be relied upon to be intact. There's no physical abuse in your family, is there? If I have understood everything pretty well, you got physically attracted to someone younger and you're bored with your wife. Pretty accurate?

 

Your teenage son needs some attention. Take all the attention away from the sexual relationship with this other woman, and spend it on your son. Something is troubling him already, and you haven't even left the house. Maybe he knows about the affair somehow and feels horrible sadness for his mother. But, you know, do you care? It truly does seem everything is about you. You're struggling over how to handle something, you, an adult, walked right into with eyes wide open, (remember, you supposedly already learned from the first affair) so much so that YOU are losing sleep and you feel 'lost'. I agree 100 percent with others on here, man up. Go talk to your son. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WIFE FOR SOMEONE YOU JUST GET A BONER FOR. Be a father. When they're grown and on their own, THEN maybe you could leave your wife. Aren't your children worth investing one hundred percent of yourself in?? You shouldn't be asking 'does divorce harm kids' when you have a son you at least notice is depressed. You should be trying to find out why your son is depressed.

[conflictedlove]

I dont know why all the what ifs in leaving the W.

What if the ow cheats on you too...what if it doesn't work out?

Bottom line your still unhappy, stuck, staying for kids...

You only get one life...leave get a D...be with the one you love and coparent the kids.

You dont have to marry ow...but you love her and you no longer want to be in the marriage.

Take the risk and also go to ic to process everything but right now it seems like fear of failure is keeping you there.

Your wife will be fine...I assume you will support her finding work and getting on her feet.

You cant live the rest of your life on what ifs.

If you do decide to go...ask for a small break from ow to get things sorted emotionally from the inital fall out. But I feel you must go...not for ow...for you.

 

Hi Herself,

 

Yes, you are correct! Fear is holding me back and I'm sure like many others in an A who get to enjoy both worlds, its ok until the A grows and then demands a commitment. I never knew this was going to happen. I remember thinking back when the A first started...i listed all the downsides of mow.....and how it would never work which kept me safe....but fast forward 18 plus months and we are actually talking about leaving our spouses? its just unreal!

 

You are also correct I'm in this for the kids.... i do care about my w very much and i'm sure she knows we are not in a best case scenario but she's committed to staying. she came from a household where both parents stayed with each other until death. So she has told me several times "if my mom and dad could make it work so can we" when we have had our fallouts. How am I supposed to argue a statement like that?

 

TBH, i don't know if mow is the answer. the age gap as bathtub stated...is a big deal...much bigger than i had given consideration for. 15+ years difference for a woman could be a major disappointment in the future. Then would i look back and ask myself why did i leave my w who is a few years young than I vs mow who is by far much younger than i? I also know that i'm an escape for mow out of her stale marriage and if i wasn't here..i'm not sure if she would have left or wanted to leave.

 

fear is gripping me....the risk.....the rewards.....the kids....the guilt..all of it.

[beach]

God you must think you are important.

 

All these gals that will just fall to pieces without you.

 

What shall you do?

[conflictedlove]

I quoted this to bring up your question about does divorce harm kids. You have mentioned your wife is passive and you have a lot of flexibility with your time. YOU HAVE KIDS. What do you do with them? Is there ANYTHING you could be doing with them, oh, let's say, during that 5 hour of time you spend presumably having sex with the other woman?

 

People want to pretend divorce doesn't affect kids, but SOMETHING is already affecting your teenage son. This world has gotten a whole hell of a lot scarier, can we all agree on that? In one week's worth of news, we all know 2 people have been beheaded. Now a third. This isn't your fault, OP, but your kids need you in a myriad of ways that cannot begin to be listed here.

 

None of us are feeling safer or more secure in the world, and divorce, if nothing else, thrusts in a minor's world, the fact that their own 'world' cannot be relied upon to be intact. There's no physical abuse in your family, is there? If I have understood everything pretty well, you got physically attracted to someone younger and you're bored with your wife. Pretty accurate?

 

Your teenage son needs some attention. Take all the attention away from the sexual relationship with this other woman, and spend it on your son. Something is troubling him already, and you haven't even left the house. Maybe he knows about the affair somehow and feels horrible sadness for his mother. But, you know, do you care? It truly does seem everything is about you. You're struggling over how to handle something, you, an adult, walked right into with eyes wide open, (remember, you supposedly already learned from the first affair) so much so that YOU are losing sleep and you feel 'lost'. I agree 100 percent with others on here, man up. Go talk to your son. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WIFE FOR SOMEONE YOU JUST GET A BONER FOR. Be a father. When they're grown and on their own, THEN maybe you could leave your wife. Aren't your children worth investing one hundred percent of yourself in?? You shouldn't be asking 'does divorce harm kids' when you have a son you at least notice is depressed. You should be trying to find out why your son is depressed.

 

Scorpio,

 

Thank you. You just shook me out of myself. Yes.....you are so right...all the horrible things happening right now....my son needs me. i know this and yes i do have an attraction for mow and we do share a common theme and love for each other...but the real question i have been struggling with is what you just brought up....the impact on kids and the thought of hurting them for my own gain..i die a thousand deaths thinking about it. yet i feel that being a less than thriving marriage with my w (who has her own head in the clouds with her family which comes first) only leads me to believe he is the one suffering.

 

mow understands my son's situation so that's not an issue. its the fact with her 2 younger kids they won't feel the impact like my teenage son does right now.

 

i'm feeling horrible but i know i needed it. if mow leaves her h and is single for 5 months, i think she will like the liberty and eventually will be done with me. one hand i'm expecting it just because i can see it happening and the other is that maybe its for the best. in the meantime, we still can't hope not having each other in the present and let alone in the future

[conflictedlove]

God you must think you are important.

 

All these gals that will just fall to pieces without you.

 

What shall you do?

 

Beach...bathub and others are right...yes you and i may think it won't bother them if i left one or the other but i know that's just not true. mow has shared how the thought breaks her heart and she would be helpless. my w would overcome it emotionally but her life has been dictated by all my decisions...so her standing her own two feet with 3 kids to co parent is just not going to go well.

 

are you not taking a woman's view from this?

[Popsicle]

God you must think you are important.

 

All these gals that will just fall to pieces without you.

 

What shall you do?

 

I've read that one of the reasons that men like this get into A's is because they want an escape from their normal responsibilities of their life, wife and kids. It's a little diversion or oasis. Why a MM would trade one set of responsibilities for another that is equally as heavy like this guy is talking about doing is beyond me. It reeks of boredom and a lack of sense to me. If he just wanted an affair for some excitement, he would've been better of not doing the future faking and telling an OW from day one that he is never leaving his W. Some OW, especially MOW, stick around knowing that.

[conflictedlove]

SAHM means "Stay at home mom". I was completely dependent upon my husband and I am far from a "strong independent woman". And yes I have been an OW before (after divorce), but I would not call myself a victim. I see things clearly now and I can see your situation clearly. You should be focused on your own decisions and what you want/are going to do, rather than keep talking about what your OW is going to do/think/feel when she divorces. You are deflecting your own decisions onto her just to buy more time. The truth is, you will never leave and you need to accept that and be truthful to your OW NOW rather than later after lives have been altered. She will probably stay with her H upon learning that you never intend to leave your W. Don't be selfish.

 

popsicle,

 

thank you and since you have been on both sides of the coin, if your h had not left (assuming he did), would you have had an A or been a mow in an A? or you did that only because of the divorce?

 

Being a SAHM....that is my w at the current situation...can you talk to what the impact was like and how did you adjust? if your H could look back, would he have made the same decision? You are talking to me from my future.....its frightening

[Popsicle]

popsicle,

 

thank you and since you have been on both sides of the coin, if your h had not left (assuming he did), would you have had an A or been a mow in an A? or you did that only because of the divorce?

 

Being a SAHM....that is my w at the current situation...can you talk to what the impact was like and how did you adjust? if your H could look back, would he have made the same decision? You are talking to me from my future.....its frightening

 

My being an OW was years after my divorce. My divorce had nothing to do with being an OW, and being an OW had nothing to do with the divorce.

 

It was very hard getting D while I was a SAHM. I had not worked in 8 years. Naturally, once I D, I had to get my butt out there and work. I can say that I am much happier now working. I enjoyed staying at home (I feel blessed to have been able to) but I have now gotten a taste of financial independence and it's surprisingly nice. I'm glad I was forced into doing it. I would not have done so if I had stayed married. There was no reason to work then and I would have never known or experienced this feeling of happiness and wholeness. I do plan to remarry again, and even if it's someone who makes 100 times as much money as me, I will still keep working and probably part-time during retirement as to not get bored. My attitude is a lot different now, but it took the D to change that.

[2sunny]

Beach...bathub and others are right...yes you and i may think it won't bother them if i left one or the other but i know that's just not true. mow has shared how the thought breaks her heart and she would be helpless. my w would overcome it emotionally but her life has been dictated by all my decisions...so her standing her own two feet with 3 kids to co parent is just not going to go well.

 

are you not taking a woman's view from this?

 

I was married 23 years and completely dependent on my husband.

 

Believe me, you aren't that important.

 

Both these women would be much better off without you.

 

Us women, we have a courage and strength to overcome the devastation men like you create.

 

When the truth is revealed it's more like a sigh of relief to get away from such a liar.

 

I can assure you your wife will be better off. Your kids won't be subjected to your lying and sneaky ways.

 

I work now too and I LOVE it.

 

My kids are happy I got away from their Dad who only knows how to make selfish decisions. They are learning as adults just how self centered he is. I've never spoken unkind words about my ex - he's shown his awful side of himself all on his own.

Edited September 15, 2014 by 2sunny

[waterwoman]

I just wanted to reiterate the post about your son and his depression being linked to your behaviours. When boys are in their teens they are starting to pull away from mum and the intense relationship they had with her. Their father is the one that is ideally placed to help them make that transition. Except you haven't been there - not with the strength and reliability you should have been.

 

H was only in his affair for a about 6 m but truth be told his head was up his arse for longer than that and he was distracted and irritable with the kids for that time. He didn't think he was - he was physically present after all - but he was and it showed in the hostile prickly relationship between H and DS1 (15 at the time). Like you, he beleived innately that there was something extra outside of the family for him, he was only half in the marriage and hence only half in to family life, his head was full of the way OW made him feel. DOn't blame him for preferring that to the daily drudge of family life in some ways but the more he pulled away the more I had to step in - I was worn out and pretty pissed off TBH even before I knew about OW. I had assumed our marriage was over anyway due to his behaviour, I was just trying to work out how to cope with the split. OW was almost a relief - I had an explanation.

[conflictedlove]

My being an OW was years after my divorce. My divorce had nothing to do with being an OW, and being an OW had nothing to do with the divorce.

 

It was very hard getting D while I was a SAHM. I had not worked in 8 years. Naturally, once I D, I had to get my butt out there and work. I can say that I am much happier now working. I enjoyed staying at home (I feel blessed to have been able to) but I have now gotten a taste of financial independence and it's surprisingly nice. I'm glad I was forced into doing it. I would not have done so if I had stayed married. There was no reason to work then and I would have never known or experienced this feeling of happiness and wholeness. I do plan to remarry again, and even if it's someone who makes 100 times as much money as me, I will still keep working and probably part-time during retirement as to not get bored. My attitude is a lot different now, but it took the D to change that.

 

Hi Popsicle.

 

I'm glad to hear that you did overcome the situation and clarifying the D and A were 2 different periods unrelated.

 

As far as you being a SAHM, are you saying that if you had been given the choice, you prefer the D happened so that you found your independence? Or if you could have your wish, would you have stayed married?

 

btw, I assume your H left you as a SAHM with kids? The thought makes me ill and its the part of me that i can't handle doing. So if he was able to live with himself and leave you (I assume it was him), how did he end up? still with his AP if he had one? And if you had not gotten a D, do you feel you would have ended up in an A regardless?

[conflictedlove]

I was married 23 years and completely dependent on my husband.

 

Believe me, you aren't that important.

 

Both these women would be much better off without you.

 

Us women, we have a courage and strength to overcome the devastation men like you create.

 

When the truth is revealed it's more like a sigh of relief to get away from such a liar.

 

I can assure you your wife will be better off. Your kids won't be subjected to your lying and sneaky ways.

 

I work now too and I LOVE it.

 

My kids are happy I got away from their Dad who only knows how to make selfish decisions. They are learning as adults just how self centered he is. I've never spoken unkind words about my ex - he's shown his awful side of himself all on his own.

 

Sunny,

 

I assume you now have a cordial life with your ex h? and how old were the kids when you decided to leave your H over his A's? how did they handle it?

[conflictedlove]

Kids don't like to see their parents unhappy but I don't think they are really able to put their parents happiness above their own and they shouldn't be expected to. If their home is relatively peaceful and free from abuse then I don't think they really care all that much about what is going on in their parents marriage. As teens they may become more aware of their parents underlying issues but that doesn't necessarily mean they want their lives uprooted and drastically changed in order to help their parents find happiness.

 

 

It's comments like this that make me reflect back on this whole A.

 

I can tell you with no uncertainty that if i told mow to give her h the green light, she would tell him. she wants to make sure that I'm willing to do the same with my w. I am on the fence because of my kids and the oldest one (teen).

 

After 18 months I look back and i realize that this started out as two people who grew close and went from an A to now a full blown relationship, full blown 100% in.

 

I long to be with mow but the reality is, i struggle with the thought of leaving my kids. my daughter sat by me this evening and all i could think about was what it would be like if it wasn't there for her at that moment. how do people overcome the guilt! What's the secret???

 

As for mow, i am in love with her but she is not perfect. She represents risk..risk of age gap (15 plus years), risk of getting hurt in discussions and not talking to me all night......risk of not being in any past LTR except with her H..which i've had LTR's and know the risks, pain and joys of them..as well as mow never having lived a true adult single life which I have.

 

The pressure points are coming from mow. She's brought up a couple and she wants to plan this out. She needs that from me. When i speak with my W, i see someone who is so distant from me that she doesn't know me. All i am is a financial provider and a decision maker for the kids and home. We we are intimate and its great actually...but there's no emotions tying us except our kids. i'm like a father figure to her and i'll always be that.

 

btw she's a SAHM as well. So if i were to leave, the news would be devastating. This is why i thought about mow and if she does tell her and and they start a separation process, she will be single for 6 months. During that time, we will be an time privately as we are now. I just see her taking on a new job hopefully soon, new role and actually being single for the first time in her adult like, liking it. If i left my w for her now or shortly after she told her H, i would be taking a huge gamble that she would change her mind and regret her and I. not worth it.

 

i feel stuck....like i have to let the circumstances play out. The speed and acceleration of the A matured so quickly it became a LTR before I knew it. All i could tell was it was like a baby that grew up to be a full child and demanding more time of me. its been a long and lonely ride at this point.

[2sunny]

Yet you were warned here before you had sex with your OW. And you didn't take any suggestions then.

 

The only one to blame is yourself.

 

Please let your wife be free of your selfish ways.

 

Believe me she will be better off.

 

You and your OW are perfectly matched.

 

Two women and it's still a lonely ride? Man you have some big issues.

[Popsicle]

Hi Popsicle.

 

I'm glad to hear that you did overcome the situation and clarifying the D and A were 2 different periods unrelated.

 

As far as you being a SAHM, are you saying that if you had been given the choice, you prefer the D happened so that you found your independence? Or if you could have your wish, would you have stayed married?

 

btw, I assume your H left you as a SAHM with kids? The thought makes me ill and its the part of me that i can't handle doing. So if he was able to live with himself and leave you (I assume it was him), how did he end up? still with his AP if he had one? And if you had not gotten a D, do you feel you would have ended up in an A regardless?

 

No, I left him and given the choice I prefer the D to happen because we were not right for each other. The newfound independence was not something I looked forward to at all (dreaded it when I D) but has been a positive surprise. There was no A in our D. We were both devastated by the D, but we have both moved past that. He has even remarried. I think your recovery from D has a lot to do with your mentality, and whether or not you want to move past it. Other people like family, friends, coworkers will follow your lead on this. There is calm after the storm and life goes on.

 

 

Btw I am not one of those people who think you should stay "for the kids". The kids know you're unhappy or if they don't know you should tell them. You shouldn't model an unhappy marriage for them, and many kids are just fine, or even happier, after D. Mine are good.

 

Perhaps you should start by deciding if you want a better M with the W you have now, then taking it from there. If you do, then you have to end your A, and tell your wife you are unhappy and something has to give. There has to be change. I am not a fan of confessing of A's either.

 

Oh and I prefer being in a happy M or LTR to being single by a long shot.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Popsicle

[whatatangledweb]

Conflicted , it there was no OW would you be considering divorce? Would OW be wanting one if there was no you involved? Leaving a marriage for another person is the wrong reason. You leave only because it is the best decision for you only.

 

Have you ever had a serious talk with your wife about the issues you have with her in your marriage? Or are you just assuming she knows there are problems? Are they real problems or did you start picking your marriage apart as an excuse to have an affair and keep having it?

 

My father was a man of few words and he never spoke badly of any of his wives. I asked him if age made a difference when you got married His 1st marriage (she cheated several times, something we found out from his 3rd wife, not him. She was 9 years younger. His second wife ended up being abusive to us kids. She was ten years older than him. What he said was that in the beginning the age difference didn't matter but after time it became a huge problem.

 

Your MOW seems to be waiting for you to leave your wife in order to leave her husband. Why? If she wants out and divorce is what is best for her why does she need a replacement waiting for her? It appears more she is wants to divorce just for you. Just as you seem to want one just for her.

 

You need to really look at your marriage and wife, talk to her about it, hell, tell her about the affair, then she can decide for you. Then you can ease your mind by saying it wasn't my choice it was my wife's . Take a break from your MOM and really look at what you want without outside interference and go from there.

[CaryAlston]

Hate to say it but you're really risking it by throwing away your family for a woman with questionable morals (a cheater). If she's doing this with you now, what's gonna stop her from doing it to you with another man in the future?

 

If you want out of the marriage, do it but don't start a relationship with your OW. You should cut cleanly and start afresh.

[Scorpio Chick]

Conflictedlove, I am questioning if you are trolling or just a passive-aggressive person. Great advice and you're still anguishing over, or, seemingly anguishing over what you think is some decision that you think needs to be made.

May I offer you a plan of action? Call, email, or text your sidechick, tell her it's over, for good, that among other things, you don't want her wiping your butt when youre in your 80s and she will be cosiderably younger, still.

Become a very present figure in your childrens lives. We only have them with us for SUCH a short time. I hope your son is receiving counseling, because the suicide rate among teens is frighteningly high.

Then, go ahead and become a loving husband to your wife, who has and is sacrificing herself to keep a family intact. That shoukd count for a lot. I guarantee you, you do all that, stop asking the same question over and over, and you can then be a proud man, who did what he is supposed to do.