The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[2sunny]

You've already hurt many people.

 

I think you're fooling yourself in many ways by the lies you keep telling yourself.

 

I don't say that maliciously; it happens with most people who cheat.

 

When you stop trying to convince yourself of those lies you may be capable of living a life with honor.

 

A person is never at odds when they just simply DO the right thing.

 

 

If you don't end the affair (like NOW) and continue to count on others to take the action that's needed - you will continue to live your life full of lies and be very unhappy with who you've become.

[MuddyRock]

So you do not like about your wife that she is tethered to her family?? That you will never be number 1???? That she puts her kids before a cheating husband?

 

You my friend need a reality check. I actually hope you end up alone. Its the only way no one else will get hurt.

[bathtub-row]

Did you ever see the Meet Joe Black movie? Your marriage reminds me of something the dad tells his daughter about her and her boyfriend -- "This relationship has all the passion of a pair of titmice."

 

First of all, due to you having an affair before deciding to leave your disconnected marriage, this situation has become completely FUBAR'ed (f'ed up beyond all recognition). For example, had you just realized things weren't fixable in your marriage and left, you would've then either met OW or some other special person (because we're now agreed that there's more than one special person in this world, right?). You would've, however, been less inclined to date a married woman, so who knows how that would've gone. However, you're here in this place in time right now so I'll give you some suggestions about how to save your life. I'm sure you won't do any of these things but it's worth a shot.

 

A - I suggest that you leave your marriage. Make it have nothing to do with the OW and not based on whether she leaves her marriage or not, and not on whether you think you and the OW are eternal.

 

B - Talk to the OW about your concerns regarding your age and her party attitude. Ask her how she feels about the age thing now, and how she'll feel when she's, say, 50 and you're 65. Or 55/70. You need to become fully honest with her about all your worries. You gain nothing by this secretive path you're taking. At that point, perhaps the TWO of you TOGETHER can make a decision about whether you have a future or not. Again, A above is not based on any of this.

 

C - Whether you and OW stay together or not, you both should agree that you never tell your spouses about your affairs. This is just flat out bad news and it accomplishes nothing. Also, if you end up together, your relationship is tainted with this information and it will never be forgotten by all judgers from that point on. Not everything in the world that we do needs to be confessed like we're among a bunch of priests or that we get special rewards in heaven for such things. This comment will get a lot of debate because a lot of people love to promote this 'tell all' mentality. But I'm just telling you that it will come to no good, and it can't be taken back once it's said.

 

D - Get your own place and date the OW.

 

E - If you can't bring yourself to do the above, then stay in your marriage and end it with the OW.

 

Ta-da!

 

 

...and they lived happily ever after!

Edited October 12, 2014 by bathtub-row

[conflictedlove]

My father left my Mom and 3 little girls.

As an adult Im glad he didn't stay and fight with her and me and my sisters grew up fine.

If your not brave enough to go...then stay...

But you need to be gentle but 100% clear to the mow. Do not wait any longer to tell her you are NEVER leaving.

Whether you tell your spouse or not is a very private and personal choice.

But she can stand on her own two feet without you believe that.

So...you need to choose. Now. And be VERY clear to the woman making a life altering choice for you. Maybe she would be inspired to stay and work on her marriage if she knew you were.

You cant keep her in the dark...shes gotta know its not more time you need to leave...its that your not leaving. Start there.

 

Hi Herself,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

One thing you did forget to mention....how was your relationship with your father before and after he left? would it have been different if he had stayed?

 

Also, did your mother move on and did the family become amicable or bitter?

 

mow wants to leave our company and i want to help her. When she leaves, I think her and i will be in a better place to talk about what we are going to do. I have no doubt she would tell her h its over if i told her its time. Its not her...she's ready but she needs to be working someplace else before we decide to go there, if we do.

 

my hardest decision is my w and kids. like you said, you grew up fine but when i think about how my w is.....mow filled in a gap that i so desperately needed. perhaps my w could do that but its unlikely. she's just not that way.

 

i have not been able to sleep well for the last 2 weeks struggling with all this. If i can get mow to move out of our company, i think we both would be more clear on what we should do. Like the distance would be the test..would we forget it each and just cut the cord?

[conflictedlove]

Did you ever see the Meet Joe Black movie? Your marriage reminds me of something the dad tells his daughter about her and her boyfriend -- "This relationship has all the passion of a pair of titmice."

 

First of all, due to you having an affair before deciding to leave your disconnected marriage, this situation has become completely FUBAR'ed (f'ed up beyond all recognition). For example, had you just realized things weren't fixable in your marriage and left, you would've then either met OW or some other special person (because we're now agreed that there's more than one special person in this world, right?). You would've, however, been less inclined to date a married woman, so who knows how that would've gone. However, you're here in this place in time right now so I'll give you some suggestions about how to save your life. I'm sure you won't do any of these things but it's worth a shot.

 

A - I suggest that you leave your marriage. Make it have nothing to do with the OW and not based on whether she leaves her marriage or not, and not on whether you think you and the OW are eternal.

 

B - Talk to the OW about your concerns regarding your age and her party attitude. Ask her how she feels about the age thing now, and how she'll feel when she's, say, 50 and you're 65. Or 55/70. You need to become fully honest with her about all your worries. You gain nothing by this secretive path you're taking. At that point, perhaps the TWO of you TOGETHER can make a decision about whether you have a future or not. Again, A above is not based on any of this.

 

C - Whether you and OW stay together or not, you both should agree that you never tell your spouses about your affairs. This is just flat out bad news and it accomplishes nothing. Also, if you end up together, your relationship is tainted with this information and it will never be forgotten by all judgers from that point on. Not everything in the world that we do needs to be confessed like we're among a bunch of priests or that we get special rewards in heaven for such things. This comment will get a lot of debate because a lot of people love to promote this 'tell all' mentality. But I'm just telling you that it will come to no good, and it can't be taken back once it's said.

 

D - Get your own place and date the OW.

 

E - If you can't bring yourself to do the above, then stay in your marriage and end it with the OW.

 

Ta-da!

 

 

...and they lived happily ever after!

 

Hi Bathtub,

 

Thank you! This made me both smile, laugh and critically thing about your thoughts.

 

Ok, I agree with you...I will NOT tell my w and there's just no good thing that can come out of it. That is for certain.

 

What are you thoughts about helping mow or myself leave our company and then we can decide. Will the flames of passion, the promises of eternal love and the inability to see each other at will eventually take a toll? mow and I do have it made at the moment..but we can't sustain it. So i often reflect back and wonder if we would just vanish if our accessiblity were to just vanish?

 

Would I stay or go? I honestly can't answer but mow and i talked about the age gap. I can tell you here honestly that its not an issue for her since she does have i believe a fatherly figure void and she is very insecure about losing me. She's gorgeous but she really has low self confidence at times. i tell her and believe she feels good about herself with me but it has a side effect. without me she feels undervalued and i worry about that. Is she in love with me because she's afraid to lose me? or is it truly a love for a lifetime?

 

i almost prefer to keep the A as is. My w, i can tell her i'm staying late at work or text mow all night and my w just doesn't seem concerned. Bizarre. If she was having an A, I would know. She would leave too!

 

So were you a mow or date a mm? You seem to be very fluent on the topic and considerate of all parties..knowing that its a delicate tightrope and never easy to make a decision.

[conflictedlove]

I actually hope you end up alone. Its the only way no one else will get hurt.

 

Muddy,

 

thank you for your reply.

 

Well, that's the one element I have considered and fear. It's what probably keeps me from jumping over to mow and living out my dreams. That the odds are stacked against me and mow....age gap, A's that go the distance and our work relationship not to mentioned people would be very tarnished when we come out in public 6 months from when we were to tell our spouses.

 

I assume you were the mow or bs? I get that's were you are coming from.

[eye of the storm]

Wow, too many things wrong with this.

1. Is this guy for real or is he using this as a creative writing course?

2. If real, considering the absolute crap fest, where do you get the idea that you are saving these women?

3. You started that u are doing all these things to these women so you don't hurt them. But what you are really doing is setting them both up for massive amounts of pain and when it happens you will come here and whine about you didn't want this to happen.

4. If you are real, you are spineless and mean spirited. Cake eater doesn't even begin to describe your actions.

[conflictedlove]

If you don't end the affair (like NOW) and continue to count on others to take the action that's needed - you will be very unhappy with who you've become.

 

Hi Sunny

 

I agree with you. I am struggling now as we speak.

 

See, i love two women. Is that not possible. One is the mother of my kids and she has such a genuine heart for them. She never tells me no when we get intimate and she's very dependent on me. She also is distance, cold and very unattached emotionally. She has a family she never let go of and as a result, she brought them with her and i've just accepted it. It has worked out since i can do what I want, make my own decisions and unfortunately i had all the time in th world to stumble into an A.

 

I've started this path on this A 2 years ago. It's amazing. First I tried to let the makeout session just be that. Slowly but surely the could tell mow had an addictive personality....she immediately opened up to me and things flew off the charts in no time. It wasn't until she wanted more and more of me...after our intimacy and our quiet intimate talks...beautiful....but that's when i started to get pulled in. I am trying to think back when we went from having a casual A to a full blow LTR A that demanded we commit to each other exclusively as AP's then eventually as LTR partners.

 

I know your H got his DDay with you.....did he ever mention he regretted his A and would it have been better for your kids if you both had stayed together?

[bathtub-row]

i almost prefer to keep the A as is. My w, i can tell her i'm staying late at work or text mow all night and my w just doesn't seem concerned.

 

Then I say do this and let events unfold as they will. That way, you won't have to make a decision. Life will do it for you.

[2sunny]

Hi Sunny

 

I agree with you. I am struggling now as we speak.

 

See, i love two women. Is that not possible. One is the mother of my kids and she has such a genuine heart for them. She never tells me no when we get intimate and she's very dependent on me. She also is distance, cold and very unattached emotionally. She has a family she never let go of and as a result, she brought them with her and i've just accepted it. It has worked out since i can do what I want, make my own decisions and unfortunately i had all the time in th world to stumble into an A.

 

I've started this path on this A 2 years ago. It's amazing. First I tried to let the makeout session just be that. Slowly but surely the could tell mow had an addictive personality....she immediately opened up to me and things flew off the charts in no time. It wasn't until she wanted more and more of me...after our intimacy and our quiet intimate talks...beautiful....but that's when i started to get pulled in. I am trying to think back when we went from having a casual A to a full blow LTR A that demanded we commit to each other exclusively as AP's then eventually as LTR partners.

 

I know your H got his DDay with you.....did he ever mention he regretted his A and would it have been better for your kids if you both had stayed together?

 

See what you did again? You NEVER state that YOU will be the one to take action and what that action will be. You dodge every solid answer with lots and lots of nothingness info.

 

Not that my answer has much to do with this, but:

 

 

My EXH got his DDay yes. My kids are doing very well. They fully understand that bad behavior results in consequences. They understand fully that there are significant times when self respect trumps the need to forgive someone else. My exH had forgiveness and a second chance at the 10 year mark. He knew if he cheated again the marriage would end without so much as a conversation if I ever found him cheating again. That is the way it ended while we approached our 20 year mark.

 

We had been very happy those ten years. He felt entitled and above getting caught. He never imagined he'd get caught.

 

What you are doing is dispicable. The lies and being sneaky were things I could never get past. I deserved so much better than what he'd been doing. He still knows it to this day.

 

He regrets it. He just can't help himself - he isn't capable of being faithful that's perfectly clear.

 

My kids know what he did and acknowledge him as having huge character defects - even with the adult kids he never keeps his word. He disappoints them often and they know they can't count on him to be decent. That's on him. They love him but at the same time they are realistic that he is truly selfish. What he wants comes before helping anyone else. Selfish to the core is how they describe him.

 

I never speak ill of him. They've realized all that by their own experience with him.

 

Does he still wish we were married? Yes. But I don't intend to be married to someone who lies, cheats and doesn't honor me and the marriage/family.

 

Was I angry at first? YES!!! That kind of betrayal hurts to the very core! He was my everything! And now it's like a lifetime ago! Because I've built a new and amazing life with TONS of happiness that he is jealous of. I've never considered going backwards - yet he still dreams of being married to me again - which isn't even right or fair to his newer wife!

 

 

 

The hurt you are causing is gross. The fallout either way you decide is monumental.

 

Pick your poison - there's no easy way out. You were warned so don't say you weren't! That's just another lie.

 

There's NO way you can view yourself even close to a man of honor... And without self respect you've got NOTHING.

 

Make a damn decision and DO SOMETHING YOURSELF TO CHANGE YOUR CRAPPY situation. It has NOTHING to do with making ANYONE ELSE do the changes - IT'S ABOUT YOU MAKING THE CHANGES YOURSELF.

Edited October 13, 2014 by 2sunny

[MayP]

 

i have not been able to sleep well for the last 2 weeks struggling with all this. If i can get mow to move out of our company, i think we both would be more clear on what we should do. Like the distance would be the test..would we forget it each and just cut the cord?

 

conflictedlove: We have never spoken. Reading about your story, something stood out to me... about your thoughts of whether a woman having a new job/ being in a new place etc will draw her feelings away? Clearly, you don't know how a typical woman functions. I read it somewhere the author describes a man's brain as boxes- he can open and close as he pleases. ie shutting up and carrying on with what he feels important first. A woman's brain as a tangled mess of yard balls. Everywhere connects.

To answer your question if your woman will forget you based on her new job/ new place: Not likely. Don't kid yourself. You will still be in her thoughts. She will still want you. Hopes still to have a future with you, just like she is feeling now.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You sir, are such a wimp! How dare you lead on this poor lady to leave her husband with the excuse that you are doing her a favor by helping her leave her husband and then plan on letting her go after that?

 

You are not an upstanding person.

 

I don't care about the affair, affairs happen, it is the fact that you are too afraid to actually warn her that you don't want long term, that makes you a villian in my eyes.

 

She is taking a huge chance by being with you and jumping ship from a marriage that could have possibly worked out if you just say goodbye now. But no, you are going to let her destroy her own life by telling her husband and then fade off too. With the hope she has something to distract her?

 

No one is forcing you to meet her.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Hey, and guess what? If you destroy her life like this and make her totally desperate because she has nothing anymore with a life full of empty promises spring forth from you, she will destroy you. I can promise you that. She will likely call your wife and give her every sordid detail and email you ever sent her. You deceived her, she will possibly deceive you. Why not?

[DKT3]

I don't see this affair as a full blown relationship. What I see is a man who wants from his wife the close intimate relationship that he shares with his AP for a couple hours a week.

 

Its clear you don't want a relationship with the MOW, yet you don't have it in you to end it, kinda putting that carrot out for her to chase and playing a role in f--king up her life with no real plans on following through.

 

As far as her telling you she would have had an affair with someone, yeah she would have. You were simply the first guy that got there. Like some many WS's she was actively looking for an affair. Its hard to admit that, I'm sure it makes them feel worse about themselve to do so. So many make it seem like it was something out of there control. The thing is, after hearing this how could you even entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman? What happens when you two are in a relationship (which is very unlikely since you simply want more from your wife and aren't leaving) and she becomes unhappy? What in this situation is she learning that would keep her from repeating this, looking for an affair?

 

Back to your marriage, have you communicated to your wife that you would like more of an intimate relationship? The way you keep saying "she is a mother", "she is great with the kids" doesn't lead me to believe you treat her like a sexy WOMEN. She is far more then a mother. Maybe you should find a way to tap into that sexy side. Maybe start dating her again.

 

Lastly, you kinds come off as thinking your the savior of both women. Your not, and honestly both can and will be able to move on to happy lives without you.

 

Time to man up, grow a sack and make a decision already. Stringing these women along is cowardly.

[Owl]

Conflicted...one last time.

 

What are you going to DO, today, to resolve your situation?

 

And silence is the answer...as it has been every single other day over the years you've posted here.

 

You only want to talk about it...you don't want to fix anything.

 

I sincerely hope your wife figures you out soon. It's her only hope.

[meandmycats]

And silence is the answer...as it has been every single other day over the years you've posted here.

 

You only want to talk about it...you don't want to fix anything.

 

I sincerely hope your wife figures you out soon. It's her only hope.

 

 

 

First time here for me everyone, so gently does it I think. That having been said I have been watching a long time (thanks Mum) and Owl, I agree. To the person who started this thread, I must say I am knocked out by how much time has been spent on it with such an obvious refusal to actually DO anything, as Owl says.

 

 

As for your wife. I'd rather like to tell her myself poor soul.

[conflictedlove]

First time here for me everyone, so gently does it I think.

 

HI Meandmycats,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Well if A's were as easy as turning off a cell phone, people would do it more often, would have less hurt feelings and would be able to escape scott free.

 

This is not the case so as you and others have mentioned, human emotions are far more complicated than a light switch and i mean that in a greater whole.

 

Its one thing for an A to survive more than 3-6 months....its another for it to go LTR...and yet another for it to go 2 years and talk about LTR as a real commitment. We are beating the odds...but those odds skyrocket when 2 AP's get together. Far more higher odds than when an A starts.

 

I never thought for a moment that this A would be LTR let alone be like quicksand. I can't sleep most nights....knowing i can't keep living two worlds. its impossible. As someone here on this thread just recently said, and it was accurate, that my AP provides the intimacy and closeness my w does not. I totally agree with this and as I had an intimate time with my w the other night, it was quite good. I think the A actually has help me in the b-room with my w and really being able to skyrocket the moment

 

As far as mow, she embodies a very need to be close. i really do value it. her personality is woven into my being and we are really just great together. i can't choose..not now....i think once my ap is working at new company, we will know for sure if we have what it takes. i want to say we will, but i won't know until that moment arises

[conflictedlove]

I don't see this affair as a full blown relationship. What I see is a man who wants from his wife the close intimate relationship that he shares with his AP for a couple hours a week.

This I am starting to rethink. This is a very well thought out observation. Once that is making me ask myself some questions....as in what have i NOT done to develop this.

 

Its clear you don't want a relationship with the MOW, yet you don't have it in you to end it, kinda putting that carrot out for her to chase and playing a role in f--king up her life with no real plans on following through.

Actually, I do want a relationship with her. I really do! to the degree we have stayed this long. The problem as you stated below, is that what are the odds we get together and this happens again? Also, you mentioned below, that bone chilling statement.....WS and she was looking for an A...like most people they don't want to admit it but i suspect its true!

 

As far as her telling you she would have had an affair with someone, yeah she would have. You were simply the first guy that got there. Like some many WS's she was actively looking for an affair. Its hard to admit that, I'm sure it makes them feel worse about themselve to do so. So many make it seem like it was something out of there control. The thing is, after hearing this how could you even entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman? What happens when you two are in a relationship (which is very unlikely since you simply want more from your wife and aren't leaving) and she becomes unhappy? What in this situation is she learning that would keep her from repeating this, looking for an affair?

This is making me sick. I mean as much as I don't want to read this, i believe you are correct. I feel my heart start to slowly tear straight down the middle. This not only hurts me, i'm sure its going to sting a lot of people here on LS.

 

Back to your marriage, have you communicated to your wife that you would like more of an intimate relationship? The way you keep saying "she is a mother", "she is great with the kids" doesn't lead me to believe you treat her like a sexy WOMEN. She is far more then a mother. Maybe you should find a way to tap into that sexy side. Maybe start dating her again.

This is sound...very sound. I plan to do this once mow does work for another company and we don't make it through that transition. Also what you threw in the equation is what you said earlier....so many are looking but no one wants to admit it...what is mow learning from this so when it comes up again...and she's not happy...from repeating? I have no idea what the odds are of AP's repeating but i assume its high?

[conflictedlove]

Hey, and guess what? If you destroy her life like this and make her totally desperate because she has nothing anymore with a life full of empty promises spring forth from you, she will destroy you. I can promise you that. She will likely call your wife and give her every sordid detail and email you ever sent her. You deceived her, she will possibly deceive you. Why not?

 

Hi CMOW,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Ok, so you're sharing this observation from your own experiences? Please do share!!!!

 

I'll be open here and share something that i think may also be driving my nerves....mow....despite the odds...and they are large....is really committed to me and i believe she would say "yes" to being m to me. I don't know if its fear from losing me or if its actually what she really wants and if i'm the one.

 

Also in my mind..i see mow..partly as that ex gf, the LTR one....the one...she has the same facial features and emotional makeup. I think in my mind....i'm also chasing that person i lost so long ago....my eyes start to tera up as i write this. I don't want to and i don't think i can be w/o either one of them. I know the A has accelerated into what we have now....this pathway that is demanding an answer on which way to go. I don't want to move..but the ground below me is starting to force a decision. Like a conveyer belt....choose the sign says.

[eye of the storm]

Definitely a creative writing course.

 

Nobody who pictures themselves as the savior of two women that can't survive without him tears up this much.

[conflictedlove]

conflictedlove: We have never spoken. Reading about your story, something stood out to me... about your thoughts of whether a woman having a new job/ being in a new place etc will draw her feelings away? Clearly, you don't know how a typical woman functions. I read it somewhere the author describes a man's brain as boxes- he can open and close as he pleases. ie shutting up and carrying on with what he feels important first. A woman's brain as a tangled mess of yard balls. Everywhere connects.

To answer your question if your woman will forget you based on her new job/ new place: Not likely. Don't kid yourself. You will still be in her thoughts. She will still want you. Hopes still to have a future with you, just like she is feeling now.

 

Hi MayP,

 

I appreciate the perspective.

 

What you have just shared.....i also believe deep down in my heart. My contingency is this...if mow gets new job and if i'm correct about her (which it sounds like i'm not going to be), that she gets consumed with her new role, sees me far less often (im sure we will make time in the beginning but the distance and different places will wear us out i think) then slowly she will either leave her h as she planned to do at some point anyway or she will stay with him and settle with him and live a less than optimum life. I believe she will also go on to have another A...and that thought kills me...but i can't help but believe its true. she's in her early 30's and he's in his mid 40's, he's a passive personality and she is an aggressor...its a right blend to get really bored and need excitement from.

 

i can also tell you when the box brains were being passed out, i got some yarn in mine...a lot. I'm very sensitive to her and a lot of what's going on. I feel it. That's why this has gone on 2yrs and still going...we are both deeply in love and can't turn back. my fear is like dtk said below...a w is looking for an A..they don't want to admit it because it makes them feel worse and that goes for me too! Would mow be able to not have an A if we are together? would I? she believes she would not because i give her all she needs. Attention, affection and constant desire to be there for her. Her H doesn't. problem is...i'm one of many...and that is the very arrow that is destined to pierce my heart at some point soon.

[conflictedlove]

Nobody who pictures themselves as the savior of two women that can't survive without him tears up this much.

 

Hi EOTS,

 

I'm living your username. make no mistake about it and if you have ever been in it, you know first hand just getting through a day is like a mental vice grip on one's head. I can barely sleep let alone not feel like i'm walking on egg shells daily.

 

I love both. I'm not the only person on LS to say that. The problem here is as you may not have read, we are talking about people and choosing who to love for the LTR. My w has the benefit because of our time and kids. On the other hand, mow has it because she represents my core. i have not been successful at seeing past the A fog and have admittedly basked in the mist of it all...assuming i could handle it. i clearly was wrong...when an A grows to an LTR its too big, too demanding and too sewn into the hearts of mow and i to stop. my w is not demanding a decision because she doesn't know.....but mow and our future together is.

[conflictedlove]

My EXH got his DDay yes. My kids are doing very well. They fully understand that bad behavior results in consequences. They understand fully that there are significant times when self respect trumps the need to forgive someone else. My exH had forgiveness and a second chance at the 10 year mark. He knew if he cheated again the marriage would end without so much as a conversation if I ever found him cheating again. That is the way it ended while we approached our 20 year mark.

 

We had been very happy those ten years. He felt entitled and above getting caught. He never imagined he'd get caught.

 

What you are doing is dispicable. The lies and being sneaky were things I could never get past. I deserved so much better than what he'd been doing. He still knows it to this day.

 

He regrets it. He just can't help himself - he isn't capable of being faithful that's perfectly clear.

 

My kids know what he did and acknowledge him as having huge character defects - even with the adult kids he never keeps his word. He disappoints them often and they know they can't count on him to be decent. That's on him. They love him but at the same time they are realistic that he is truly selfish. What he wants comes before helping anyone else. Selfish to the core is how they describe him.

 

I never speak ill of him. They've realized all that by their own experience with him.

 

Does he still wish we were married? Yes. But I don't intend to be married to someone who lies, cheats and doesn't honor me and the marriage/family.

 

Was I angry at first? YES!!! That kind of betrayal hurts to the very core! He was my everything! And now it's like a lifetime ago! Because I've built a new and amazing life with TONS of happiness that he is jealous of. I've never considered going backwards - yet he still dreams of being married to me again - which isn't even right or fair to his newer wife!

 

Hi Sunny

 

These experiences you had...and now have.....they are like the other side of the A fog....the reality...the trainwreck that no one who is captive in an A can understand nor can they pull themselves out because they take it mildly. I was that person too!

 

The fact that your kids don't respect your ex, that you have moved on and he can't stop himself...that makes me fearful.....i don't want to be that person.....the one kids don't rely on or think highly of..yes they love him but he's not someone they like as a person. I don't believe we are going to called to be our kids bff's but we should be good examples for them. Right now, i don't know if being a good example is letting my w be happy as she is now not knowing about the A and enjoying the benefits of our intimacy because of the A or if she would truly be happier w/o me. mow wants me at any cost...and if my w is honest, if she didn't want me or admitted she just is with me because have been for years.....and that's it..then i would let her make a decision.

[Lurkeraspect]

I've read this entire thread and struggled whether to even reply as it seems you just go in circles.

 

Quick question:

 

What will you do if the MOW divorces her husband and shows up on your doorstep?

 

And before you ask, I'm neither an OW or a BS.

[eye of the storm]

you are not living my user name. The eye of the storm is the calm when things are swirling around you.

 

You are actively, not passively, setting up not one person but multiple people for massive amounts of pain.

 

You are running around playing god to these two women.

 

You think by just sitting back you are being the good guy. No you are not. If you were, you would at the minimum tell the OW that you are pulling back. That you are currently not ready to leave your BS and may never be ready. If the OW is as aggressive as you claim, she will carpet bomb your home life when she realizes that she left her home, husband and job for you. And you will deserve it. I just feel bad for your BS and kids. This is going to be ugly on many levels.