Son and his girlfriend pregant

[cazoraz]

Hi Everyone,

 

I need some advice on how to handle the situation with my son and his girlfriends pregnancy. They are both 23.

 

We have had a rough ride with my son because of this girl. She has undermined us as parents. Got my son to throw his job in as he worked away for 2 weeks at a time and home for a week because she wanted him around more. He had a great job and earn't good money. Gf on the other hand has never worked and lived on welfare. A total oxygen thief. Has come up with the best bs stories as to why she cant get a job. This goes against everything our family believes in. She has called me a controlling bitch. Has managed to isolate our son from our family. I have had to sit back and watch my gorgeous driven son to self destruct and join her in the gutter. Don't get me wrong. I don't care what you do for a job but get off your butt and participate.

 

My husband refuses to have her in the house because of her disrespect towards us. They have been together a year and moved in together 6 months ago.

 

I found out a few months ago that they were trying to get pregnant. I calmly wrote a email to my son that a child requires more then just love. It has rights to expect to be born into a family that has the financial means to support it, is stable etc. That got me a 3 months no contact.

 

They had told us they were getting married and that because of my husbands stance he would not be invited to the wedding even though my son was not happy about it. She will take every opportunity to give me the bird and basically say there is not a f##ing thing you can do about it. ie. They went to a wedding expo and because they knew my husband was away she dropped in and brought the bag of stuff in even though I had told them until they both had jobs I was not interested. And she rambled on about what they had found out and I didn't offer any interest.

 

Yesterday my son texted me to tell me she was pregnant. He knows what that news would mean to me. I never responded as I didn't want to say something I would regret.

 

I am so crushed. He life is now stuffed because of this oxygen thief. Had it been his old gf I would have barked at them both for being irresponsible but in the end I would have been happy for the pair of them. Would have helped by stuff for the baby, and be excited.

 

I feel that our dreams as parents have been stolen. The joy of becoming grandparents and watching our son get married to someone we all love. We cant do this with the way this girl has manipulated our son. I don't want to know about this kid, nor will I go to the wedding. Its a life he has chosen to which my husband want no part of.

 

In the past we have paid my sons bills when he has been short of cash.

 

My husband has said there will be no further financial assistance. They have made their bed and now they are going to lay in it.

 

How do I follow my husbands requests which to a certain amount I agree with, but not loose my son. I will not have that girl in my house nor the baby. I need to find a way to tell him I want him in my life but just not her or the baby. I fear there is no way of doing this. I will loose my only son.

 

Any thoughts.

Caz

Edited August 20, 2014 by cazoraz

[Zeurich]

As a mother I am so sorry about your situation. As I feel you both already lost your son. Other wise he would listen to you as my mind says. And he already chosen his life partner and wedding and so and so with out parents blessings. As parents it hurt us a lot. But at some point it is their life. I cannot accept being rude but living with benefits does not bother me. I understand you want to have your son in your life but not the woman or the baby. I think that is not the right thing. Either you accept whole either non. If I were you I will bless them and keep my self in distance. There is a day your son may realize the depth of the mess he made on his own. May be you can write him an email with saying from now on he is on his own.

[d0nnivain]

For now I think you have to lose your son. Tough Love means letting people fall on their faces.

 

I would try to talk to your son privately. Tell him you love him but that you disagree with his choices & will not support them. Also tell him if he drops this woman & seeks full custody & gets a job you will be there for him & the baby.

[Raena]

He's 23. It's time for you to step back and let him live his life the way he wants to live it.

 

I say that... and my heart hurts saying it because I can't imagine being that way with my own son...but I say it knowing that you have to let go. I know how hard it must feel to you but he's officially a "grown up". He has the right to make his own decisions about who he wants to be with and how he wants to live his life.

 

Step back and let him go. He isn't listening to you and the more you try to talk to him, the more he's pushing you away.

 

Tell him you love him and you'll always be there for him when he needs you. That doesn't mean you have to give him your life savings to help him out, but you can still be there for him. Accept this girl... even if you don't like her... she's going to have your grandchild. You DO want to be part of that child's life too right?

 

I think one of the hardest things parents have to do is to sit back and watch their child make mistakes. You can't step in and fix his mistakes all the time though. He has to learn from them himself.

[pink_sugar]

He's 23. It's time for you to step back and let him live his life the way he wants to live it.

 

I say that... and my heart hurts saying it because I can't imagine being that way with my own son...but I say it knowing that you have to let go. I know how hard it must feel to you but he's officially a "grown up". He has the right to make his own decisions about who he wants to be with and how he wants to live his life.

 

Step back and let him go. He isn't listening to you and the more you try to talk to him, the more he's pushing you away.

 

Tell him you love him and you'll always be there for him when he needs you. That doesn't mean you have to give him your life savings to help him out, but you can still be there for him. Accept this girl... even if you don't like her... she's going to have your grandchild. You DO want to be part of that child's life too right?

 

I think one of the hardest things parents have to do is to sit back and watch their child make mistakes. You can't step in and fix his mistakes all the time though. He has to learn from them himself.

 

This. You and your husband are only pushing him away by refusing to go to the wedding and putting up all this fuss. While I can understand where you're coming from, he's 23, not 16. It sounds like he's just going to have to make mistakes and learn from them. Is your husband your son's biological dad? You are both better off biting your tongues and being civil when you see one another. I remember my dad acting like this when I married young, though we were both responsible people with no accidental pregnancies or anything. My dad and I didn't speak much for awhile. He still isn't fond of my decision to marry who I did, but that is his problem. He frankly wouldn't be happy with anyone I chose unless they had a 6 figure salary and jumped out of a model magazine. He eventually "accepted" my decision and moved on. I suggest you and your husband do the same. You cannot change anything. When your son realizes the mistakes he's made someday, be there for him without judgement.

 

My brother was with someone like this for 5 years. Our family hated her and she was something I shall not repeat. She too wanted to rush into marriage and babies while having no aspirations for herself. Us telling my brother she was a b* only pushed us all away. He didn't want to see it. He eventually did when they broke up. Thankfully he got out of it before marriage and kids were involved. They broke off their engagement. Telling your son you're there for him will help him make better decisions if things do not workout.

Edited August 20, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Zeurich]

@pink -sugar seems you have quote the wrong message just saying.

[pink_sugar]

@pink -sugar seems you have quote the wrong message just saying.

 

I was quoting the above poster because I agree with what they are saying.

[pteromom]

I feel that our dreams as parents have been stolen.

 

Your dreams have not been stolen. You are choosing to walk away from them.

 

If you don't allow this woman or the baby into your lives because you are holding onto some dream life you had planned for your son, then YOU are the ones missing out.

 

My advice?

 

Go make amends with his gf. You don't have to agree with her life philosophy. You don't have to condone her choices. You don't have to believe inside yourself that she is the best fit for your son. But you can be polite and civil and kind. You can smile and bite your tongue and act excited about the wedding and baby.

 

Right now, you are breaking your son's heart. He has made choices for himself that you don't agree with, and you are abandoning him - and his baby! - because of your own stubborn pride. That is truly sad.

 

Let go of what you had hoped for, and embrace reality. You are going to be grandparents. That's a beautiful thing, even if it isn't going down the way you had hoped it would.

 

Call your son and tell him you want to forget all the problems with his gf, and that you want to start over. Tell him you have been dreaming of his wedding day since he was born, and you wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

Then bite your tongue toward her, and continue biting it. She is going to make decisions for her wedding you don't agree with. She is going to parent differently than you. She is probably going to be smarmy and snarky because of how she's been treated by you... ignore it. Prove to her that you can be an adult. Hopefully she will soften and you can build a friendship with her, but if not, hopefully you can be cordial to each other for the sake of your son and your grandchild.

 

One thing in your post that I DO agree with is that the financial assistance needs to stop. He's 23. He's making adult decisions to marry and have a baby. So it is time for him to be an adult, and make his own way. He can't learn how to do that if you continue to be a crutch for him.

[cazoraz]

Hi All

 

Thank you all for your responses. They were much appreciated and all made sense in different ways.

 

He knows we don't like this girl. And you were right we do need to respect his wishes. We stay out the way and to be honest we don't contact him much, His young, and busy living his own life. I haven't said anything to him about not going to his wedding because my husband and I both believe the relationship will blow up before then. He has complained about various things about things she does. ie empty his bank account to pay bills when he was working within hours of him getting paid. He was furious. That she wont get off her butt and get a job etc.

 

As for the baby. She miscarriage last night. My son was on my door at 2am in tears. Totally devastated. I did feel for him. I too had a miscarriage many years ago and for those of us who have been there it rips your heart out. He sat on my lap and hung on like he did as a little kid and just cried. It broke my heart. Even though I was not happy about the baby I hated seeing him like this.

 

This may sound callous but I am thankful this was the outcome. Regardless of how we feel about her, neither of them are in a position to take financial responsibility for a child. Of course he will never know this is how I feel.

 

Caz

Edited August 21, 2014 by cazoraz

[bathtub-row]

Your son is grown and despite what his gf says or does, he is in collusion with her. If he wasn't, he would've walked away from her long ago.

 

I think you're just going to have to sit back and let this play itself out. You're too much in your son's life when it comes to decisions he makes. He's probably making bad decisions but maybe that's the only way he's going to learn.

 

Not to say I don't sympathize with your situation, because I do. But when kids grow up, we have to leave them to their own choices. And I agree with your husband, stop helping him financially. If he's not in college or has other extenuating circumstances, then he needs to go it on his own. You're not going to help things by enabling him. He needs to learn on his own.

 

I wouldn't, however, cut ties with him. Try to get with him to have lunch or something like that. But stop trying direct his life. Just listen and be there. I also don't know why you want to exclude the baby. He or she is a part of your son. No doubt, this idiotic girl he's with is going to make things very difficult and I do understand that part. I'd say at this point, don't be too vocal about anything and play it by ear. I do agree that you have no reason to be around his gf, though. My guess is that he will eventually get sick of her and leave.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Your son is grown and despite what his gf says or does, he is in collusion with her. If he wasn't, he would've walked away from her long ago.

 

I think you're just going to have to sit back and let this play itself out. You're too much in your son's life when it comes to decisions he makes. He's probably making bad decisions but maybe that's the only way he's going to learn.

 

Not to say I don't sympathize with your situation, because I do. But when kids grow up, we have to leave them to their own choices. And I agree with your husband, stop helping him financially. If he's not in college or has other extenuating circumstances, then he needs to go it on his own. You're not going to help things by enabling him. He needs to learn on his own.

 

I wouldn't, however, cut ties with him. Try to get with him to have lunch or something like that. But stop trying direct his life. Just listen and be there. I also don't know why you want to exclude the baby. He or she is a part of your son. No doubt, this idiotic girl he's with is going to make things very difficult and I do understand that part. I'd say at this point, don't be too vocal about anything and play it by ear. I do agree that you have no reason to be around his gf, though. My guess is that he will eventually get sick of her and leave.

 

 

I agree. Being nasty about her will not win points. Refusing to go to the wedding will further alienate him. Quite frankly, you don't know her side of the story. Maybe Sonny Boy is not so perfect himself.

 

OP, you seem to think that your GROWN son has had no choices in the situation. It is easier to blame her. This talk of undermining you as parents - ridiculous. He is a grown man and in full control of his actions.

 

Don't act happy about the miscarriage in front of him. That is just heartless. Sympathize and be kind. If he complains about her, either tell him you don't want to hear it.

 

If he wants to leave her, he will leave her. He is a man.

Edited August 21, 2014 by DaisyLeigh1967

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry about the miscarriage.

[anika99]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

 

How do I follow my husbands requests which to a certain amount I agree with, but not loose my son. I will not have that girl in my house nor the baby. I need to find a way to tell him I want him in my life but just not her or the baby. I fear there is no way of doing this. I will loose my only son.

 

Any thoughts.

Caz

 

 

You were prepared to tell your son that you didn't want his child (your grandchild) in your life and want to know how to do that without losing him? Amazing that you would even think it a possibility for your son to accept that his own mother is rejecting his child. How would you feel if your parents had said that to you when you were pregnant with your son. Would you have wanted anyone in your life who was rejecting your innocent baby? I would certainly hope not.

 

 

I've been through this. My son got his 18 yr old gf pregnant when he was 16 yr old. That gf had numerous emotional issues and created all kinds of drama. She was also disrespectful to me. Not to my face but she continuously broke my house rules and ignored my boundaries. So we had problems but it never once ever crossed my mind to not accept her and my sons baby which I knew meant I was going to have to accept the gf as well. Because of that I was always mindful to not cause unnecessary drama and to respect my sons and his gf's choices even though I strongly disagreed. I knew that they were making mistakes but understood that they would have to be the ones to live with their mistakes and learn from them.

 

 

There are 2 sides to every story. I'm sure dealing the your sons GF has been no picnic for you and your complaints are probably valid. However I also get the impression that you are overly involved in your adults son's life and overly controlling. After all I can think of no reason for rejecting your sons baby other than as a means to control him or punish him for no longer allowing you to control him. He has no obligations to live your dreams. Follow your own dreams and let your son live his life. He will make mistakes and mess up but so what. He will also grow and mature and find his way. If you want to have your son in your life then respect him and let him make his own choices. That being said, if your son wants respect and to live his own life then it's time for him to cut the apron strings. He has to make his own living, make his own money and not coming running to you and his father to clean up his messes. Your husband is correct in not bailing him out financially.

[pink_sugar]

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, but you're right it is probably for the best. I remember my brother was with his fiance 5 years and it got really rocky only a few months before they were supposed to marry. His ex cheated on him with his friend and then broke it off with him. Despite her wanting kids and marriage from him for awhile, it was best they broke it off before the wedding. Now over a year later, my brother sees what we all see. Despite the fact he was devastated, he knows it was for the best and realized they didn't belong together. Now he's engaged to someone who is truely right for him. Take your son to lunch and tell him you just want to see him happy and succeed in life and that you will be there for him for guidance.

[bathtub-row]

This may sound callous but I am thankful this was the outcome. Regardless of how we feel about her, neither of them are in a position to take financial responsibility for a child. Of course he will never know this is how I feel.

 

Caz

 

It probably is a blessing but if she ends up getting pregnant soon after this, then it's the same thing all over again.

 

I'm sad to hear about how hurt your son was over this. I remember when I was pregnant and, at one point, I thought I was miscarrying my son. I was inconsolable. Thank goodness, I didn't lose him but I'll never forget that feeling. I feel for your son. So sad.

 

If I were you, I'd use this opportunity to attempt to heal this situation somewhat. Like make a meal for them that your son can take home with him. Or offer to help out in any way you can, and send your condolences to her through your son. I realize that she has behaved horribly but at least your son will see that you're making an effort. It may help him see what this girl is actually made of, and if he's just digging his heels in to make a point with you and his dad, he may stop doing that. But, no matter what happens, do not ever tell your son "I told you so" or anything along those lines. Learn to just be there for him without judgement. If he makes mistakes, tell him some story about how you screwed up when you were young. Be human. Relate to your son as an adult. He will appreciate it, and it will actually make your life easier.

Edited August 21, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Georgia2014]

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like you have lost your son. He picked this woman over his family. He will eventually see her as she really is. But until that day happens I think your husband is right in cutting off contact and no longer offering financial support.

Edited August 25, 2014 by Georgia2014

[SpiralOut]

It's a good thing that she miscarried.

 

 

There is someone like this in our family. Moved in with my cousin, didn't pay any rent, didn't have a job, dropped out of school. For a while she lived with him and his parents. She didn't help out around the house apparently, which is awful considering she wasn't in school or working. Talk about lazy. They got pregnant, got married, and now they've got 3 kids. I hated her for a while until I realized, you know what, maybe she thinks this is the best she can do. That's sort of sad when you stop to think about it. And as much as someone like that can say "it's my life," they are still putting their family in a bad position. Their family has to either step in and help, or stand back and watch the kids suffer. The person I feel most sorry for is my aunt because she cares about her grandkids, so she puts up with a lot of crap for their sake. She's practically half-raising them.

 

 

Hopefully your son wakes up before she gets pregnant again.

Edited August 25, 2014 by SpiralOut