What did I do? He is jealous and insecure.

[oneinamillion]

I'm 32.

 

Yah, its not as exciting with Kevin but I still enjoy his company, except when he's acting insecure. I usually try and work through it with him cause I care and want a future with him. I don't think he should be insecure over Tyler cause we're just friends. And my friend Sara, who is married, texts Tyler and Ted too. And we all hang out together. Very little one on one time with Tyler. I have talked with his wife and all three of us went climbing. I even made plans to climb with her and him again. But yes, I mostly talk with Tyler. I don't see why you can't have friends of the opposite sex as long as your not having sex.

 

I talk to Kevin about personal things too. Yah, I think relationships should be easy, if it's always a challenge than maybe we're not right for each other.

 

I've had a 1 year relationship as a late teen. The love of my life, but I was young n stupid. I wasn't respectful and he ended it with no warning and no looking back. I was crushed.

 

Then I had another one for 5 yrs, common law. He was cold, withdrawn, strong. I liked it cause I didn't want turmoil if my childhood. We never fought. We'd get upset but would retreat or withdraw to our own corners until it blew over. Never yelled. We did talk some things through. He became very cold and I didn't feel loved. I felt empty and lonely. Very painful. I would make new friends, with women and men. One married man at work and I started hanging out. He eventually wanted more and I was flattered. I wanted to be with him. Then his wife found out we were hanging out and my bf found out, and my bf and I broke up.

 

I will think about going back to therapy. I tried it for a bit but it was too painful digging up old wounds. I guess I don't realize how hurtful I've been. Maybe I just need someone who is cool with how I am. Idk.

Edited August 21, 2014 by oneinamillion

[Zahara]

I'm 32.

 

I thought you were 20ish.

 

Yah, its not as exciting with Kevin but I still enjoy his company, except when he's acting insecure. I usually try and work through it with him cause I care and want a future with him. I don't think he should be insecure over Tyler cause we're just friends. And my friend Sara, who is married, texts Tyler and Ted too. And we all hang out together. Very little one on one time with Tyler. I have talked with his wife and all three of us went climbing. I even made plans to climb with her and him again. But yes, I mostly talk with Tyler. I don't see why you can't have friends of the opposite sex as long as your not having sex.

 

It doesn't matter what your friends do. You have to have boundaries in a relationship. You can be friends with the opposite sex but with clear and healthy boundaries and transparency with your partner. You failed to do that. You failed to prioritize your boyfriend's feelings, needs and wants. You failed to be loyal to him by making him the butt of jokes. You failed to protect and prioritize your relationship.

 

I talk to Kevin about personal things too. Yah, I think relationships should be easy, if it's always a challenge than maybe we're not right for each other.

 

If it's issues within your relationship, work it out with Kevin. There is no need to be confiding in a married man. Why don't you get closer to Tyler's wife and confide in her? Why can't you confide in Sara? Calling another man's husband sweetie and cutie. Crossing the line.

 

I've had a 1 year relationship as a late teen. The love of my life, but I was young n stupid. I wasn't respectful and he ended it with no warning and no looking back. I was crushed.

 

And you are repeating your pattern again, because from your post you were disrespectful with Kevin.

 

Then I had another one for 5 yrs, common law. He was cold, withdrawn, strong. I liked it cause I didn't want turmoil if my childhood. We never fought. We'd get upset but would retreat or withdraw to our own corners until it blew over. Never yelled. We did talk some things through. He became very cold and I didn't feel loved. I felt empty and lonely. Very painful. I would make new friends, with women and men. One married man at work and I started hanging out. He eventually wanted more and I was flattered. I wanted to be with him. Then his wife found out we were hanging out and my bf found out, and my bf and I broke up.

 

Again, a pattern. You obviously failed to learn from this. And you have the audacity to ask why you can't be friends with the opposite sex. It's a slippery slope for you and you have no boundaries, that's why.

 

I will think about going back to therapy. I tried it for a bit but it was too painful digging up old wounds. I guess I don't realize how hurtful I've been. Maybe I just need someone who is cool with how I am. Idk.

 

No person is going to be cool with your behavior unless you are with someone that is also unhealthy and has no sense of boundaries. You self-sabotage. You have a good thing but then you do anything and everything that could possibly ruin it. And deep inside you know your behavior isn't right towards your partner. If you want a healthy relationship, then stop dating, stay single and get involved in therapy. If you want to keep repeating your patterns, then keep doing what you are doing, and even if you found someone who is "cool" with how you are, chances are both of you are going to self-destruct.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Zahara

[preraph]

It may just be that this is not the time for you to "be" with anybody until you get tired of the constant partying. I am not condemning you for that. I was like that for an unusually long time myself. But don't hurt people along the way if you're not ready to commit.

[marcjb]

OP, your actions remind me very much of my ex fiancé. She was also abused as a child, and hated dealing with her emotions and any confrontation / problem resolution. She would hold in her feelings and they would turn into resentment.

 

When I met her she was 32. She is now 35. We had a 3 year relationship and she did not learn from her past. That in turn affected our relationship. You have an opportunity to learn from your past or not. Remember that a life lesson will be repeated until it is learned. Please seek some therapy before you hurt anyone else.

Edited August 21, 2014 by marcjb

[oneinamillion]

Thanks everyone.

 

I have a lot of self-reflecting to do. I don't want to repeat this again. I want love and happiness.

 

I haven't talked to or heard from Kevin for days. I won't approach him cause I know he's very upset and angry. I ran into him this morning on the street, we walked past each other but ignored each other. Awkward. I feel badly about laughing about him behind his back. Besides that, I don't fully understand what I did wrong. I am starting to understand how some of my actions were disrespectful otherwise. I still think Kevin is insecure and explosive. I can't handle that because of my traumatic childhood. So I don't think I could go back to him. Although, I do miss him a lot and the fun times. I wish he knew Tyler and I are just friends. I would welcome him talking to Tyler and seeing for himself.

 

I was thinking I should email Kevin to apologize -- and let him know that its a shame we didnt' work out and its disappointing. And wish him all the best --- to say my peace. I don't expect he'd respond. And I'm ok with that because I should take some time to figure things out...find a good therapist.

[travelbug1996]

No need to apologize if you're not prepared to change your behavior. It would be useless.

 

Please stop texting that womans husband.

[brokenangel1]

No relationship will ever work out unfortunately, if you cannot see what you did wrong in regards laughing behind your exbf back with a married man then shame on you, you need deep therapy, I hope Kevin runs away from your neighbourhood, good his not talking, I hope he was laughing with a female behind your back, and they making jokes of you, ywe ywe ywe

[Keke1]

Thanks everyone.

 

I have a lot of self-reflecting to do. I don't want to repeat this again. I want love and happiness.

 

I haven't talked to or heard from Kevin for days. I won't approach him cause I know he's very upset and angry. I ran into him this morning on the street, we walked past each other but ignored each other. Awkward. I feel badly about laughing about him behind his back. Besides that, I don't fully understand what I did wrong. I am starting to understand how some of my actions were disrespectful otherwise. I still think Kevin is insecure and explosive. I can't handle that because of my traumatic childhood. So I don't think I could go back to him. Although, I do miss him a lot and the fun times. I wish he knew Tyler and I are just friends. I would welcome him talking to Tyler and seeing for himself.

 

I was thinking I should email Kevin to apologize -- and let him know that its a shame we didnt' work out and its disappointing. And wish him all the best --- to say my peace. I don't expect he'd respond. And I'm ok with that because I should take some time to figure things out...find a good therapist.

You seriously don't know what you are doing wrong? The other married guy you got to close with. Isnt this playing out the same way? What happens if Tyler wants more? Will you be flattered and move on to another married man? Dont act like you dont know whats going on. Its happened before. How is it ok for you to be giving names to someones husband like that? How in your mind are you actually justifying that? His wife may find out and then you are still going to be like i dont know what i did wrong.

 

I also see how you like to use the "just friends" thing like a get out of jail free card. You may need to be alone for a bit. Leaving married men alone would also be a great step. Maybe you are just attracted to danger though lol

Edited August 21, 2014 by Keke1

[Zahara]

Besides that, I don't fully understand what I did wrong. I am starting to understand how some of my actions were disrespectful otherwise. I still think Kevin is insecure and explosive.

 

I have to believe that you are huge part of the problem. If I had to deal with unpredicatable and underhanded behavior of a partner, I would feel insecure and agitated as well.

 

I wish he knew Tyler and I are just friends. I would welcome him talking to Tyler and seeing for himself.

 

Unfortunately, you had every chance to do this but you didin't. That in itself makes your statement dishonest.

 

You've already meddled with one married man and it all blew up in your face. This is the second married man and once again you have lost a boyfriend. What lessons are you not learning?

 

I was thinking I should email Kevin to apologize -- and let him know that its a shame we didnt' work out and its disappointing. And wish him all the best --- to say my peace. I don't expect he'd respond. And I'm ok with that because I should take some time to figure things out...find a good therapist.

 

If you still don't understand what you did wrong, don't apologize. You don't know what you are apologizing for. And seeing that you have learned ZERO lessons from your past relationships and the things you have done wrong, you best leave it alone. It's all just meaningless. Don't contact Kevin -- let him heal and move on. Your words at this point will only dig the knife deeper than help him.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Zahara

[brokenangel1]

I find it hard to believe that you cant see the problem, this story somewhat sounds like you making it up for attention, you mingled with the first married man he wanted more you got flattered, second married man if he wants more and again you get flattered then what? You a troll trying to make us angry by provoking our emotions, if, IF your story is true then you got alot to improve on your personality and how you hurt others

[ktya]

Given your recent lack of communication from Kevin and the fact he walked past you without saying anything.

 

You've been dumped.

[Keenly]

Stop playing the victim and calling him insecure. He isn't insecure, you are doing shady stuff.

 

But you don't want to admit to bring wrong, so you are trying to place the blame on him to make yourself look blameless.

 

 

You will never, ever grow as a person if you continue to sweet your faults under the rug while blaming other people for reacting to your actions .

[smackie9]

Wow for 32 you are oblivious. I have always had male friends but I DO NOT call them cutie or sweetie, no touchy feely, constant texting. I reserve that for my husband. You are the typical attention whore.....reeling in men with sweet talk. Just because the man is married doesn't make it safe to call him sweetie. Even married men will get the wrong idea, and assume you are hitting on them. You have no clue about boundaies or appropriate behavior when in a relationship. You fail. And if you can't see the wrong in your behavior, all your future relationships will fail.

[preraph]

If you've read many of my posts on this board, you'll know that I'm quick to call anyone who is jealous insecure and blame it on them, not the person who's "making them jealous." But in this case, the far greater blame is yours for being inconsiderate. I don't know anyone who would be thrilled with the situation you've put your man in. That doesn't mean he's insecure if the rest of the population would react even more strongly than he has.

 

There is nothing wrong with having friends. But you lack balance and consideration. You need to moderate your time spent out to an acceptable level and you need to be transparent to Kevin so he can trust you. No one would trust this situation. The only person who wouldn't have a problem with this situation is a person who was looking for an excuse to leave you and you saved them the trouble by providing one.

[todreaminblue]

kevin isnt explosive op from what you have said....to me his reactions are completely normal and to be expected.......deb

[Natsu21]

Had a woman friend just like you whose in her 50s.

 

Been through 3 marriages and 4 relationship that didn't turn into marriages...the pattern: all relationships were with married men.

 

Except one. That's the one she dumped for a married man because she no longer felt attracted to him.

 

You seem like that kinda girl who thinks so lowly of herself she gets a huge ego boost by getting the attention of men who are taken. You like this married man and the only reason you're wanting Kevin back is because the married man hasn't advanced yet.

 

You want what you can't have, and you clearly see what it does to the people that care about you. You just don't want to face the shame and guilt of it all.

[oneinamillion]

Thanks everyone. I will take your words and think about things. I think I have a lot of learning to do about relationships.

[damien201]

I'm still interested in Ivy. Can you tell me more about this club?

[Space Ritual]

Thanks everyone. I will take your words and think about things. I think I have a lot of learning to do about relationships.

 

OP I do have a serious question here....Have you ever suffered any concrete consequences for any of your actions, ever? Reason I ask is that you actually seem surprised that this relationship has gone south. From your replies so far it's as if you are used to having your messes cleaned up for you at the expense of others.

 

I sure hope you get some help. If you don't I can assure you that you will continue this cycle until you eventually run out of people that will help you clean your messes up. It would be a terrible position to be in at any age, but at age 32 it's imperative you face your demons now and work on them before you end up on the street with no support system whatsoever. Because that day is rapidly approaching whether you understand that or not.

 

Good Luck.

[Spectre]

It really worries me that a 32 yr. old woman could be this clueless. You really did not know what you did wrong here? I just..I do not even get this. Even worse is to see you trash your bf..when this is all YOUR fault. This is on you and your crazy behavior. The problem in a nutshell is you are 32 but for some reason act like you are 16. I hate to be that blunt, but there is no other way to say it.

 

To see you saying things like this guy is "explosive" and talk about how it's a shame you can't work this out because you "care about him" and stuff? I am honestly mystified that you were not kicked to the curb by Kevin a long time ago. The best thing you can do for both Kevin and this Tyler guy is stay away from them.

[Diezel]

I really feel for Kevin and Tyler's wife.

 

This woman (OP) is the Sharknado of relationships. And she's 32!?!?!?! YIKES.

[beyondcrushed]

Unfortunately even the most confident, secure man would have been insecure in your relationship because you weren't transparent, respectful or communicative.

 

What's the real shame and disappointment OP is that you don't see what you did wrong. I am sorry about your childhood. You have some trauma to work through that has affected your relationships . Therapy can really help with that.

Edited September 2, 2014 by beyondcrushed

[Spectre]

I have to agree that the worst part is the OP thinking this behavior is okay. To the OP: do not get involved in another relationship until you understand boundary issues better.