I cheated on my husband

[James-London]

as everyone says above - get away from both these men ASAP. There are lots of guys out there who will respect you. Seriously. Your self-esteem is at a low point and maybe you think you can't get any better, but you can. You need to get away from these guys and then work on yourself. This means do things you enjoy, do things you are proud of, meet nice people... This will build your confidence and you will then meet people who respect you.

 

but for goodness sake, get away from your husband.

[Letitsnow]

I need to make sure... Those who advise me to leave my husband, did you read my long reply about him doing much better? Yes, he still gets angry, but he doesn't touch me. Also I know better and dont provoke him. He still criticize me and gives me sarcastic remarks , but he is much better now. I feel like when I should leave him before because of '' good'' reason, I didn't. Now everyone would think I am crazy for doing so.

Edited August 25, 2014 by Letitsnow

[smackie9]

Yes you are crazy for staying. You are in denial. The abuse is still occurring and will continue. He is a sleeping tiger, the abuse will erupt again. The only way to break the cycle is to leave the environment you are in. Even tho you acknowledge there are issues within your marriage, you still blame yourself. This is what they call battered woman/wife syndrome.

[No Limit]

To all of you who are suggesting that she tell her husband about the affair, all I can say is that you must not have much experience with abusive men. I can assure you that this is exactly what she should NOT do. Men who are physically violent are extremely capable of inflicting permanent damage, or even death, on someone who cheats on them. There is no reason on earth to tell him anything. As far as I'm concerned, once he started the abuse, all bets were off. From that point on, he doesn't deserve anything...except to be left.

 

Letitsnow, your husband tells you all that crap because that's how he controls you. It's very sad that you believe anything he says. The truth is, he's a very convincing actor and you believe him. It's also very sad that you had an abusive dad. I didn't even read that part until after my first post. I already figured that part out. You put yourself in victim mode by being too innocent and too trusting. I hope you will learn to be wiser about the people you allow into your life.

 

Actually for once, I didn't intend to motivate her to tell her husband the truth. Abusive people are too unpredictable, who knows what he'd do when even normal people tend to go crazy.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I need to make sure... Those who advise me to leave my husband, did you read my long reply about him doing much better? Yes, he still gets angry, but he doesn't touch me. Also I know better and dont provoke him. He still criticize me and gives me sarcastic remarks , but he is much better now. I feel like when I should leave him before because of '' good'' reason, I didn't. Now everyone would think I am crazy for doing so.

 

He may be better, but he is still being disrespectful. This creates a superior position in the relationship and you a inferior partner. I am not telling you to divorce, only you can make that decision, but you can't let him disrespect you. I think that you see good traits in him and may even respect him to a certain degree and dwell on what you want him to be and not what is the real relationship. Do you really think that a relationship with the OM will help your marriage? Of course not, immediately stop all contact with OM. You and husband need to dedicate yourselves to healing the relationship or just go your separate ways.

[James-London]

The OP is saying that her H is much better now and not being physically abusive. Who are we to say whether or not her H will be violent again? It is entirely possible that he is reformed. Unlikely, I'll admit, but entirely possible.

 

It seems strange that OP is looking around for a "good reason" (in her own words) to leave her H. So, it does occur to me that maybe his physical violence is being a little exaggerated due to the shame OP feels over her affair. Again, I'm guessing here.

 

I think the most important point is this... OP - you don't need to find some awful fault in your H in order to leave him. That fact that you are having an EA with another man (possibly also PA, I forget?) tells everyone here that you loyalties are not 100% with your H anyway.

 

As I recall your original post, you say nothing particularly great about your H. You don't say how you really want it to be how it used to be etc. etc... Could it just be that you married the wrong man???...

 

One more thought - are you more worried about the social stigma of what you family/friends/community will say if you file for divorce.... I'm grasping at straws again, but what this an arranged marriage by any chance?

[violet1]

I also suggest you leave your H. With the past physical abuse, I absolutely would not tell him about the affair. I'm not too shocked that people here are pushing you to tell him. A lot people here seem to think you should tell no matter what the circumstances are. We are NOT living your life. You know your husband, we don't.

 

If he is still criticizing you than that is still a form of abuse. Honestly how can you even respect a man who's treated you like that? I suggest you look into an attorney and at least consider divorce. Life is too short to be criticized and made fun of by the one you love. My heart breaks for you and I really do wish you the best.

[James-London]

I think that is the whole point of this thread, as indicated in the text I boldened below... Her H is not the guy she loves.

 

There is more going on in this story. OP marries "very young", seems like English may not be her first language, her H has pretty misogynistic views of women (as does her AP).... She wants to leave her H but she has not quite admitted that to herself yet. Sounds like this lady has MAJOR self-esteem issues and/or there are cultural taboos around leaving a spouse.

 

Either way, OP needs to provide more context/background here... Like why did she marry her H in the first place? That would be a good start!

 

 

I also suggest you leave your H. With the past physical abuse, I absolutely would not tell him about the affair. I'm not too shocked that people here are pushing you to tell him. A lot people here seem to think you should tell no matter what the circumstances are. We are NOT living your life. You know your husband, we don't.

 

If he is still criticizing you than that is still a form of abuse. Honestly how can you even respect a man who's treated you like that? I suggest you look into an attorney and at least consider divorce. Life is too short to be criticized and made fun of by the one you love. My heart breaks for you and I really do wish you the best.

[Letitsnow]

James-London,

 

my marriage was not arranged. I met my husband when I was 17 years old. I was always shy person and liked guys that did not like me back or visa versa. I did not like my H when I first met him, but I liked that everyone loved him for his personality. He was very friendly and fun to be around. I felt safe with him. I guess I had someone to turn to when things in our family were not that good. He showed me different life beside the one I already had.

We got married couple years later but I was not already sure about it. I was very different person back then. I was not independent. He was driver in our family; he managed our finances. He did not wanted me to get driver license for my own "safety" and I was OK because in my country not many girls had license back then anyway.

Couple years after our wedding we moved to another country. No family, no friends. It was just two of us and it was tough. I did not speak English at all. Looking back, I needed his support, someone to tell me "you can do it" instead of screaming at me when things did not go smoothly.

However, I learn to drive and speak. I became independent and he simply did not like it. I guess it was all about control. Just like I said...we both did lots of mistakes. Our personality were not mature yet.

After lots of years, I learned to voice my opinions, have my own friends, my own hobbies. My self-esteem was always my problem even though people do tell me that I am pretty and sometimes wonder why I am with my husband. I hated lots of stuff about me, but I did not have a clue that I did not love myself. I was always attracted to other men but never act on it until I met someone who did not care I was married.

 

When I wrote about physical abuse - I did not make it look worse than it was, but I wanted to make sure you all know that he is not THAT guy he was before. I still think if I did not provoke him, he would not react the way he did in some situation. Not all of them though.

 

About OM...I feel stupid and I still have feelings for him. My counselor told me that meeting him was like being thirsty in desert. I suddenly found a water and was too thirsty too care that it was marked as poisoned.

I know many told me to ignore and block him. I was thinking about sending him text not to contact me again. I never send him anything like it.

 

When I wrote about "good" reason to divorce I meant something serious that my family would actually understand. People simply do not get divorce so often where we are coming from. They stick together.

 

I have been wondering about my marriage since 2005 because I read my old emails. We still do not have kids and I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I hear people saying how hard it is to date and find someone decent this days and that sounds scary to me to start over. I just don't know how to make this decision. I know this is unfair to my husband as well.

 

I read the book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" to make things clear for me. It did not happened. I also read 5 languages of love, Co-dependent no more, Why does he do that, and Boundaries to help me understand...

[Letitsnow]

No offense but with stuff like that going on in your marriage, I think you should let go of both men. You have a lot of work to do.

 

And, you haven't addressed your opinion about coming clean to your husband.

 

No Limit, when things between OM and I happened, I wanted to tell my husband, but I talked to my counselor first. He advised me not to. He said I have to find out what I want to do first. He said with my H I will only hurt him and his male ego and he will remind me of it every time he can. He said if I want to leave him, there is not point to tell him neither.

 

My best friend who knows my husband told me that same thing.

However, I am still thinking about it.

[bigman1]

Snow,

 

I totally understand not telling your husband, but what are you gonna do if you don't tell and he finds out? As for your counselor, they sound completely incompetent. Don't tell so that you can avoid conflict and bad coping behavior? Keep it to yourself to see what YOU want? Any counselor who advises on a marriage built on a huge fault line or lying, manipulation, selfishness and infidelity should be drummed out of the profession.

 

If your husband beat you, he's an a-hole who needed to go to jail. Period. I put a lot of men in jail for domestic abuse and there is no excuse for it. Of course, there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse.

 

It sounds to me like you do have a lot of work to do on you. Putting up with the abuse raises some serious questions about your psychological health. Not that you are insane, but a lot of abused women come from abusive homes, have low self esteem, co-dependent, etc, you name it. Some just got beat down emotionally until the physical abuse appeared and ratcheted up the abuse cycle. Either way, that was a psychological break down of the woman to "get her ready" for the physical abuse.

 

Maybe your safety is a bigger concern. In either event, you probably do need to get away from both men, who have used you in large respects, and then come clean to your husband. I think the OM abused you because I think you told him about the abuse at home and he was willing to be your "cold drink of water" in your marital desert despite knowing that it could end VERY badly for you. You may not feel this way, but OM took advantage of you as well. You were hurting and ended up sleeping with him. On the other hand, to him, you were hurting and that could end up making it easy for you to sleep with him. I know predators, no decent man gets involved with a married abused woman (emotionally or physically). That brings too much drama. An abusive hubby could make the last moments of their lives "newsworthy". On the other hand, a predator will take the risk.

 

To sum it up, separate from Hubby. Then confess. Detach from OM. He's a predator. Keep yourself safe, get a new counselor. Tell your friend that you need a shoulder to cry on, but no more advice. Get you healthy and then decide what to do. Understand, I have tremendous antipathy for cheaters, but in your case, I concede that you were broken and ripe for the picking. You need to get you fixed.

 

ps: all that crap about "provoking" your husband. If he was picking fights with men bigger than him or just other men on the regular, I might be inclined to believe that he could be provoked to violence against MEN. I'm 6 ft. 3 in and 285, I've yet to see a man get provoked by me. Sure a lot of trash talking and name calling, but putting hands on me?! Has yet to happen. I understand he's "different" now, but in my book, being a punk azz woman beater is never excusable. Don't ever give him a pass on that B.S.

[James-London]

Letitsnow -

 

I can see from your last post that I was right to say that this is all about the social stigma of getting divorced. I don't know your culture and I don't know what your family would say. However, what is very, very clear here is that your H is not the man of your dreams. To say that he is "fun" and you liked that other people like his personality is really does not sound like a passionate love affair.

 

Life is short. I guess you need to ask yourself whether or not what you want is something that you deserve? Or whether the opinion of your family/culture is more important than your happiness.

 

It sounds like your H was physically or emotionally abusive in the past, but maybe he is better now. Well, OK. But you would still not fall in love with your H just because he stopped hitting you. You are desperate to find some reason to leave your H, but you really don't need one. Its enough that you just don't love him, or even that you have just drifted apart. That is OK.

 

It sounds you have learnt lots about yourself and really developed as a person since you got married.... If I was you, I would just talk to a divorce lawyer (or ask your therapist about this). You don't need to get divorced now, just find out some more information about this. Also, if you had kids already with your H then the situation would be very different.

 

best of luck.

[loveboid]

It's very easy to get a divorce in the U.S. My divorce lawyer helped me get a fair deal even when I didn't know the laws (half his, half hers) and my ex husband wanted to give me zero, not even a car to drive away in. He told ex that if ex didn't make it fair right then, the judge would.

 

It took two weeks. The day of my divorce was one of the happiest days of my life. I wish you lifelong happiness.

[revelations]

Letitsnow, it sounds to me like both of you were abusing each other in the marriage. Yes your husband may have done more of the physical abuse, however you have dealt some very heavy emotional abuse yourself. Your husband may have changed for the better, and that is good. To me it does not sound like you have changed, you have just gotten better at the way you emotionally abuse your husband. You really need to go NC with OM and come clean to your husband. If you think he will resort back to his old ways and become violent then tell him about your affair at an MC session and stay somewhere else for a few days. If you plan on leaving your husband he still has the right to know why.

 

Now to everyone else on here that is berating the OP's husband because he got violent in the past you should really learn how to read better. Letitsnow said that she provoked her husband into hitting her. No that does not excuse violence, however it does place it in context. Not every man out their is able to take emotional abuse from their wife and control their temper. For women to use emotional abuse against men is just as unfair for men to use violence against women. Let's face it, most men are not trained or conditioned to defend against emotional abuse, nor are they able to respond well to it. Yes physical abuse is bad and I am not defending it. We all know that physical abuse can lead to death. However emotional abuse can lead to death of a persons soul.

 

I know that in a few relationships I was in, I actually had my lover taunt me to hit them. These women literally got frustrated because they were unable to taunt me into hitting them. Whenever I have been in love with a woman I always had a no violence rule. This was for them as well as myself. I have never broken that rule, I always walked away. However I have had women hit me, this includes my xWW. I will tell you that the physical damage was far easier to handle than the emotional abuse. So if you are going to hang a man because he got violent, you also need to hang the woman for her part in the emotional abuse that she delivers. If you say that physical abuse is bad like I do, then you should say that emotional abuse is just as bad. Otherwise to me your nothing more than a hypocrite.

[loveboid]

revelations, great for throwing a light on emotional abuse. A lot of people say it is worse than physical abuse because it tends to go on for a long, long time. And that soul destruction by itself leads to situations where physical abuse is easier.

 

Saying that, I don't give anyone an excuse to use physical abuse, even being emotionally abused. Remember, women have mothers emotionally abuse them and women don't end up putting their SO's in the hospital. I got emotionally abused for years by my mother (and father btw, it's not just physical that men can deal out) and I haven't hit anyone, bigger or smaller than myself.

 

Remember, physical abuse is a type of emotional abuse as well, because even if the person is lucky enough to heal physically (and many people don't, EVER), the scars and experience damage the soul just as much as non-physical.

 

So yeah, I don't buy it takes two to tango when it comes to physical violence.

[Spectre]

Set your husband free so he can find someone else, he deserves far better.

[Letitsnow]

Revelations, how did I got better in abusing my husband? I don't call him names anymore,I don't give commands, only requests, I don't control him. When I said I provoked him, I meant calling him names when he kept pushing with his put downs and criticizing. I did lots of mistakes in my marriage, but I don't feel that I learned to mask them, i just don't do them. However, cheating is on me only. I did it, it's my fault only.

[pteromom]

I still think if I did not provoke him, he would not react the way he did in some situation. Not all of them though.

 

This is SOOOO not true. He's an abuser. If he wasn't an abuser, you could walk up to him, call him names in his face and DARE him to hit you, and he wouldn't. Because it would be against his own integrity to do so. (Now he may LEAVE, but that would be a reasonable response to someone acting like that.)

 

Your husband is doing "better"... not because he has learned that you are an individual with your own opinions and feelings and you deserve respect, but because you've drawn a line in front of physical abuse, and he doesn't want to cross it and risk jail or losing his marriage.

 

But still, everything he does shows he doesn't respect you, and that he is incapable of truly loving. Not just YOU, but anyone. He's got some major issues if he gets a thrill out of braking and making you hit your head on the car. I mean... that is just SICK. And it shows that he really gets off on power and control.

 

About OM...I feel stupid and I still have feelings for him. My counselor told me that meeting him was like being thirsty in desert. I suddenly found a water and was too thirsty too care that it was marked as poisoned.

 

Your therapist is right. You've been desperate for feeling love and desired, and you have grabbed ahold of OM's LIES like your life depended on it.

 

OM can't love you. He doesn't truly know you yet.

 

He's shown you disrespect already by pulling out his junk in front of you and not hearing you say stop ... which is a red flag for the EXACT type of control and abuse you are currently dealing with in your marriage!

 

You do not have feelings for OM. You are just desperate for a safe place to have feelings. Your husband isn't a safe place... he just criticizes and demeans you for your feelings. So you have found this guy who is saying stuff you have longed to hear, and you are just falling for it. You just want so badly to be IN LOVE and to BE LOVED.

 

But this man is not it. He is showing so many red flags! He's not a good person.

 

You deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved for who you are. You deserve to be treated WITH RESPECT. Neither of these men are worthy of you.

 

Do not tell your husband about the affair.

 

Leave your husband.

 

Do not call the OM. Block his number.

 

Spend some time on your own, with friends, and in intensive therapy. Take care of yourself. Learn to love yourself to the point where if a guy who you just met pulled out his junk in front of you, you would say "Disgusting!" and LEAVE and never talk to him again.

 

I know many told me to ignore and block him. I was thinking about sending him text not to contact me again. I never send him anything like it.

 

No. Just block.

 

When I wrote about "good" reason to divorce I meant something serious that my family would actually understand. People simply do not get divorce so often where we are coming from. They stick together.

 

If you tell your family what he has done to you, they will understand. Doesn't matter if he is doing "better" now. You can't live your life for your family anyway.

 

We still do not have kids and I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I hear people saying how hard it is to date and find someone decent this days and that sounds scary to me to start over. I just don't know how to make this decision. I know this is unfair to my husband as well.

 

It IS scary to start over. But is it scary to consider having children with a man who enjoys having power over those who are weaker than him? If not, it should be!!!

 

And is it scary to consider having children with a man who gets off on exposing himself? If not, it should be!

 

If your clock is ticking, there is no better time to start over than NOW. Get help, and find a man who is respectful and kind and gentle and who will love you the way you should be loved.

 

I read the book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" to make things clear for me. It did not happened. I also read 5 languages of love, Co-dependent no more, Why does he do that, and Boundaries to help me understand...

 

These books are great, and it is nice to try to understand. But in the end, the reasons WHY don't matter.

 

All that matters is the behavior, and whether it works for you or not.

 

Could be your husband was abused. Or maybe he has some disorder. Or maybe he has some fears inside him, or is scared to be vulnerable.

 

But no matter what the CAUSE, the effect is the same. He's mean to you. He doesn't "get" you and doesn't care to. He can't stop on the side of a road to let you save a kitten simply because he loves you and wants to make you happy, even if he thinks it is silly. He's sarcastic and critical and rude and enjoys tearing you down.

 

This isn't a man you want. The whys don't matter.

[pteromom]

Now to everyone else on here that is berating the OP's husband because he got violent in the past you should really learn how to read better. Letitsnow said that she provoked her husband into hitting her. No that does not excuse violence, however it does place it in context.

 

Don't even listen to this, letitsnow.

 

Not every man out their is able to take emotional abuse from their wife and control their temper.

 

This is true. And I would advise any woman who is in a relationship with a man who can't control his temper to leave.

 

If she is emotionally abusive, she needs to get help for that so she isn't, but there is NO EXCUSE for a man becoming physically abusive toward a woman. NONE.

 

So if you are going to hang a man because he got violent, you also need to hang the woman for her part in the emotional abuse that she delivers.

 

Nope.

[pteromom]

Revelations, how did I got better in abusing my husband? I don't call him names anymore,I don't give commands, only requests, I don't control him. When I said I provoked him, I meant calling him names when he kept pushing with his put downs and criticizing. I did lots of mistakes in my marriage, but I don't feel that I learned to mask them, i just don't do them. However, cheating is on me only. I did it, it's my fault only.

 

Yes, the cheating is your fault.

 

And nobody is saying you are perfect in the marriage and your husband is just a mean old bully being horrible to you when you did nothing to "deserve" it.

 

But your husband is abusive - this has nothing to do with you. It's who he is... a "reality one" guy who wants power over you vs. a "reality two" guy who respects you and wants to mutually solve issues.

 

From "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"

 

Evans' book goes into great detail about the two separate realities the abuser and the partner live in.

 

The two realities are called Reality 1, which the abuser lives in, and Reality 2 which the partner lives in. Both realities deal with power but in different ways. Reality 1 deals with “Power-Over”, and Reality 2 deals with “Empowerment”. The problem comes along when the partner, living in Reality 2, thinks the abuser is also living in Reality 2.

“Power-Over” is just that: Power over anything and anyone.

 

 

 

Everything is weighed by the abuser as a win or lose situation, even those casual conversations that you may define as trivial. To feel good the abuser must always win at all costs and only the abuser can define a “win”. It is a “me first” kind of reality where everything is geared around self.

 

 

“Empowerment”, in Reality 2, is gained by living a life of mutuality where there is support, trust, assurance and encouragement. The partner always wants the best for and thinks the best of their spouse or significant other. They also unknowingly believe their spouse or significant other is thinking the same way they are. If there is an argument, the partner thinks if they only explain themselves to their abuser, he/she will someday understand – there will be an “Ah-hah” moment and everything will be better. Unfortunately this does not happen. The abuser, living in Reality 1, does not care for explanations. The abuser is only concerned with winning and “Power-Over”.

[smackie9]

I have experience in an abusive relationship....you do NOT provoke someone to hit or call you names. They find any reason to take their anger out on you. Not allowed to have a drivers license due to safety reasons?! Bull f uckin crap that is. They want to make sure you are within arms reach so you don't get out of their controlling grip. He is what he is...controlling, insecure a ss hole. I know the drill so well...they are all sweet to you, everything has settled down and then BAM they are back at you again, the abuse starts all over again...trust me IT DOES NOT STOP. The cycle repeats it's self over and over.

 

You were waaaaaaaaay too young to get married. That is what an abuser goes for...someone young, vulnerable and inexperienced..so much easier to control. I totally understand you have never known anything different and it is so difficult to break away from him. I will tell you this, you can do it, you just have to pull up all your courage, and pack your s hit up and leave.

[mikethemechanic]

OK. So you meet this guy in person for the first time and he pulls his penis out. I'm guessing you met him @ a hotel or something I'm

doubting he pulled it out in Starbucks

. maybe he did it while people were looking at their computers. Whatever. Obviously when he did that a red flag waved in your head and you felt uncomfortable and left. That is your gut guiding you. This is a creepy guy taking advantage of a lonely married woman. He's what my husband refers to as a "bottom feeder." I'm sorry your lonely. Most people are. What do you feel is missing in your marriage?

What were the circumstances leading up to him whipping his penis out? You realize that nudity in public is a felony. Bunnies

Edited August 31, 2014 by mikethemechanic

[Letitsnow]

What were the circumstances leading up to him whipping his penis out? You realize that nudity in public is a felony. Bunnies

 

What were the circumstances? French kissing in his car, touching, hugging. I had to take his hands off of my body parts sometimes. Noone was nude in public. We had clothes on until he showed off his buddy.

[thummper]

And all this didn't cue you in to what kind of man you were dealing with?

Wow! All this guy was EVER interested in was using you for sex. Husband know about your little dalliance yet. What do you think will happen when he discovers that he's married to a betrayer of the worst kind, every married man's nightmare? God, I feel bad for him!

[bathtub-row]

And all this didn't cue you in to what kind of man you were dealing with?

Wow! All this guy was EVER interested in was using you for sex. Husband know about your little dalliance yet. What do you think will happen when he discovers that he's married to a betrayer of the worst kind, every married man's nightmare? God, I feel bad for him!

 

While I agree that her behavior was less than sterling, particularly in regards to her own self-respect, the truth is her husband is abusvie and, as far as I'm concerned, he lost all rights at that point. So, while I have zero sympathy for him, I do feel bad that this girl has such a low opinion of herself that she would stay in her marriage, and do this stuff with the other guy. Not many women could do this and feel good about themselves. I'm mostly saddened that she has let herself come to this. It's time to change all that and develop some new standards for herself.