Fiance cheated a year ago and has been lying

[Andrewanthony111]

Please help my with sorting my life out with my fiance..?

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. We have been engaged for 9 months. About a year and a half ago she requested a break to have some space and make sure I was the one, because we are each others only serious relationship. The break lasted 3 months and she ended up finding out how most guys really are and came back to me asking me to take her back and I did.

 

Here's the problem I'm facing.. I just found out this week that during that break she had sex with 2 different guys, one of which is completely out of her life because he gave us recurring problems. She has lied to me this entire time telling me I was still the only person she had sex with, and says that she just didn't know how to break the news to me. Before the break we agreed it was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I find out this.

 

After the break out relationship has been at a all time high, enough for me to propose to her and want to marry her. I'm having a extremely hard time dealing with this lie and the fact she said yes to my proposal knowing she was hiding this lie. That was a dark time in her past and I know she's grown more mature and has been completely invested in our relationship and I love her more than anything but I don't know what to do.

 

She's the only girl I've made love to and the only girl I want but I have no idea how I will ever trust her again. I used to be the only guy she has had sex with before that, and finding all of this out is killing me

[No Limit]

Whatever you do, don't marry her. You've become co-dependant, which isn't healthy. Get away from her and learn what a healthy relationship is like. And 'healthy' doesn't equal 'long lasting'.

[Andrewanthony111]

I'm not Co dependant on her. I'm not considering staying because I think I need her or because I don't want to be alone. I'm doing it because I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm not the most talented write r so it may have come off as so, but it's not so.

[tom670]

Andrew did you find out from her or second hand?

You HAVE to get tested for STDs like yesterday.

We get it you may be in shock but I'll say this she has given you a gift.

I'l explain.

When someone shows you who she really believe it.

 

Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

And "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"

They are both pretty cheap.

[tough love]

Be thankful you found out before you got married and not many years into the marriage with a family that is affected by whether you choose to stay or leave. I feel your pain and you have to decide what is right for you. I get you feeling betrayed and deceived. She should have told you right away that she had sex if you had agreed not to have sex while on your break. Tough call to make.

 

Personally speaking, I would have loved to know my wife cheated on me several months into dating, so I could have made an informed choice. You have the opportunity to make that informed choice, whatever it is.

[Andrewanthony111]

I've always been a different type of man that some of you explain. I've dated before, but only for A few months. But I'm different because I don't want to explore, and I don't need to get out and have sex. I don't want to explore because I'm happy where I'm at and I have only been growing happier through the 5 years. I want to have sex with the woman I will marry, and that's it. I have always felt that way and it won't change. She has grown up and our relationship has prospered so much in the last year that I almost can't help but give it a go. Because I love her, and I know she loves me she just messed up big time. I'll still have to think and heal because I don't know what quite to do yet.

[No Limit]

When someone cheats, they don't love. When someone lies, they love even less.

[Raena]

Wait, wait, wait... all these people are jumping on this bandwagon of "oh dear lord, sweet Jesus, she CHEATED... so glad you found out NOW"

 

You were on a BREAK.. you weren't engaged based on your time line. You said you've been engaged for 9 months but you split a year and a half ago for 3 months.

 

Sure, she didn't tell you about it. She didn't HAVE to... you weren't together. Did you not understand when she said she wanted a break to know whether or not you were the right one that this meant she would date other and possibly **gasp** have sex with others?

 

Yeah, she should have told you, but really? She didn't have to. During that 3 months, you could have done what you wanted to as well... and whose to say that you didn't?

 

Make your decision about whether you want to marry her or not based on how your relationship is with her NOW... not what she did when the two of you were split up. It's actually probably a good thing that she did what she did and figured out that she STILL wanted to be with you... so go with it.

[tough love]

I've always been a different type of man that some of you explain. I've dated before, but only for A few months. But I'm different because I don't want to explore, and I don't need to get out and have sex. I don't want to explore because I'm happy where I'm at and I have only been growing happier through the 5 years. I want to have sex with the woman I will marry, and that's it. I have always felt that way and it won't change. She has grown up and our relationship has prospered so much in the last year that I almost can't help but give it a go. Because I love her, and I know she loves me she just messed up big time. I'll still have to think and heal because I don't know what quite to do yet.

 

Maybe you can take some time with your engagement and delay the marriage to see if this is something you can get past or even want to. It's tough being lied to by the person you should be able to trust the most. Like I said, I wish I could have made an informed choice like you can. Even if you chooses to stay with her, you will hae the peace of mind knowing you made and informed choice.

[tough love]

Wait, wait, wait... all these people are jumping on this bandwagon of "oh dear lord, sweet Jesus, she CHEATED... so glad you found out NOW"

 

You were on a BREAK.. you weren't engaged based on your time line. You said you've been engaged for 9 months but you split a year and a half ago for 3 months.

 

Sure, she didn't tell you about it. She didn't HAVE to... you weren't together. Did you not understand when she said she wanted a break to know whether or not you were the right one that this meant she would date other and possibly **gasp** have sex with others?

 

Yeah, she should have told you, but really? She didn't have to. During that 3 months, you could have done what you wanted to as well... and whose to say that you didn't?

 

Make your decision about whether you want to marry her or not based on how your relationship is with her NOW... not what she did when the two of you were split up. It's actually probably a good thing that she did what she did and figured out that she STILL wanted to be with you... so go with it.

 

I would agree that she doing cheat if they were on a break, but I think he said they had mutually agreed not to have sex with others and she deceived him by continuing to tell him she hadn't had sex with anyone else. My issue is more with the deceit. Had she not told him he was the only one and she had just been honest, it would be different. She intentionally mislead him. It's tough to trust when you learn you have been deceived and manipulated.

[Andrewanthony111]

I know my relationship and I know who I am. I'm making this decision based on how I feel about the woman I love. This thread has done nothing but prove to me that I am in the company of a few good people, and a few who think love must be dealt with experience. If I have been happy for 5 years and my happiness has been growing and growing, then I should leave her just to explore and see if I could find better. This doesn't make sense to me. I've met woman throughout the years and I don't need to explore with them just to make sure I'm in love. I know myself better than anyone and I know when I'm truly happy. And I'm not going to leave the woman whom I love and would die for to explore, not because I am comfortable, but because I know who I am and who I love better than anyone could tell me.

 

Thank you to the few who gave me advice, positive or negative, I do appreciate it. That was strictly directed to the people who feel they know what all men need and who talked down directly to me and my fiance. I respect all advice given and don't block out the negative, only the insults. I hate the standards some people set that a person must explore even if they are truly happy. And don't dare make assumptions of what she will do to me in the future.

I hope one day people will realize they can be happy with one secure partner in their whole life, and that they can truly be happy and in love without searching for something better. My fiance is a person I love, not some thing I try to upgrade from because I haven't seen next week's girl.

[Andrewanthony111]

Sexual^ partner. Not secure.

 

And never assume things about whom you haven't met. I am a very confident person, rather it be with college studies, jobs, friendships or relationships.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Andrewanthony111

[Andrewanthony111]

Tough love and raena I very much appreciate your help and advice. It has helped me to understand and better make a decision. Thank you for not trying to tell me who I am, or talking about me as if I am a child that has no knowledge or confidence and that is only doing this because of the Co dependence and unwillingness to explore. Which is in every way false.

[lolablue17]

Few problems

 

1. You had an agreement not to have other physical contacts (only emotional), She broke that agreement. Also an official marriage is an agreement. When someone break this agreement - It's 100% cheating.

 

Why did she break the agreement? Because she wanted to do it, and because she felt distanced from you.

 

 

2. The lies - She didn't came clean when she asked you to take her back. she deliberately lied to you. She looked you in the eyes while you're proposing her, and lied.

 

Why? because the truth wasn't nice - especially when she's afraid that if you know the truth you might don't want to marry her. She wasn't confused when she lied. She lied because of cold interests and calculations. And now she is lying to you again saying "she didn't know how to tell you, she was confused".... Again - her new lie is to prevent you from canceling the wedding. Again - a lie calculated to get cold interests...

 

3. The most common cheating happens when people feel trapped after a long period of marriage, usually with children, mortgage, and so... so it's very complicated to break it all...

 

You fiance cheated and lied (still lying) Before the wedding when you're young and fresh.

 

So...

 

You say you love her and i think you want to forgive her. That's O.K. But the problem here is not the past, but her reliability for the future.

 

The best way to predict someone's behavior is to look at the past and that girl proved a serious difficulties to be faithfull and honest. Even now after you found out about her cheating, she is not honest with you. it's called trickling Truth... to admit the minimum.

 

So in your coming marriage - every time she will feel a bit lonely, or distanced from you - You know where it's going. I can tell you - in a long marriage things get worse, not better.

 

So. i advice you that if you maintaining the wedding, at least postpone it. Tell her you have to think about it. it will shock her and maybe, (a very doubtful maybe) this memory of the shock will be a barrier for her next cheating along the way.

[RemainUnchanged]

I know my relationship and I know who I am. I'm making this decision based on how I feel about the woman I love. This thread has done nothing but prove to me that I am in the company of a few good people, and a few who think love must be dealt with experience. If I have been happy for 5 years and my happiness has been growing and growing, then I should leave her just to explore and see if I could find better. This doesn't make sense to me. I've met woman throughout the years and I don't need to explore with them just to make sure I'm in love. I know myself better than anyone and I know when I'm truly happy. And I'm not going to leave the woman whom I love and would die for to explore, not because I am comfortable, but because I know who I am and who I love better than anyone could tell me.

 

Thank you to the few who gave me advice, positive or negative, I do appreciate it. That was strictly directed to the people who feel they know what all men need and who talked down directly to me and my fiance. I respect all advice given and don't block out the negative, only the insults. I hate the standards some people set that a person must explore even if they are truly happy. And don't dare make assumptions of what she will do to me in the future.

I hope one day people will realize they can be happy with one secure partner in their whole life, and that they can truly be happy and in love without searching for something better. My fiance is a person I love, not some thing I try to upgrade from because I haven't seen next week's girl.

 

 

right..

 

so what was it that brought you here? sounds like you already had your mind made up before starting this thread.

[Emilia]

Tough love and raena I very much appreciate your help and advice. It has helped me to understand and better make a decision. Thank you for not trying to tell me who I am, or talking about me as if I am a child that has no knowledge or confidence and that is only doing this because of the Co dependence and unwillingness to explore. Which is in every way false.

You are resisting facing up to the fact that finding a good lifeterm partner is hard. She isn't it. She took a break from your relationship because she wanted to have sex with other men. Who says she won't do this in the future when you are married with children and she has you by the short and curlies? People like her aren't to be trusted.

 

It would be nice if we had good people fall on our lap whom we can be with for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately the reality is that we all have to kiss a few frogs first, it's how it is. Stop clinging to this because you don't want to make the effort or you are scared of the new. You will regret staying with her again when she pulls this off the second, third time.

[Priv]

I know my relationship and I know who I am. I'm making this decision based on how I feel about the woman I love. This thread has done nothing but prove to me that I am in the company of a few good people, and a few who think love must be dealt with experience. If I have been happy for 5 years and my happiness has been growing and growing, then I should leave her just to explore and see if I could find better. This doesn't make sense to me. I've met woman throughout the years and I don't need to explore with them just to make sure I'm in love. I know myself better than anyone and I know when I'm truly happy. And I'm not going to leave the woman whom I love and would die for to explore, not because I am comfortable, but because I know who I am and who I love better than anyone could tell me.

 

Thank you to the few who gave me advice, positive or negative, I do appreciate it. That was strictly directed to the people who feel they know what all men need and who talked down directly to me and my fiance. I respect all advice given and don't block out the negative, only the insults. I hate the standards some people set that a person must explore even if they are truly happy. And don't dare make assumptions of what she will do to me in the future.

I hope one day people will realize they can be happy with one secure partner in their whole life, and that they can truly be happy and in love without searching for something better. My fiance is a person I love, not some thing I try to upgrade from because I haven't seen next week's girl.

 

Why did you make this thread?

 

 

Did you seriously believe people were going to say that her taking a break, cheating on you with 2 guys and lying for a year or so about it is fine. She is a sweetheart and a keeper, and you are the most unselfish, best man ever to stay with her and your marriage is going to work out fine? Because it isn't...

[April Moon]

I know my relationship and I know who I am. I'm making this decision based on how I feel about the woman I love. This thread has done nothing but prove to me that I am in the company of a few good people, and a few who think love must be dealt with experience. If I have been happy for 5 years and my happiness has been growing and growing, then I should leave her just to explore and see if I could find better. This doesn't make sense to me. I've met woman throughout the years and I don't need to explore with them just to make sure I'm in love. I know myself better than anyone and I know when I'm truly happy. And I'm not going to leave the woman whom I love and would die for to explore, not because I am comfortable, but because I know who I am and who I love better than anyone could tell me.

 

Thank you to the few who gave me advice, positive or negative, I do appreciate it. That was strictly directed to the people who feel they know what all men need and who talked down directly to me and my fiance. I respect all advice given and don't block out the negative, only the insults. I hate the standards some people set that a person must explore even if they are truly happy. And don't dare make assumptions of what she will do to me in the future.

I hope one day people will realize they can be happy with one secure partner in their whole life, and that they can truly be happy and in love without searching for something better. My fiance is a person I love, not some thing I try to upgrade from because I haven't seen next week's girl.

 

 

 

 

If this is how you truly feel, why are you posting here?? You actively took time out of your day to do what?? Are you trying to prove to us that your fiance loves you? Are you trying to prove to yourself that you are doing the right thing?

[d0nnivain]

She may have lied by omission but she didn't cheat.

 

You two were "on a break." I've said it before & I will say it again because this proves it. Breaks are STUPID & do nothing but cause more problems! There is no such thing as a "time out" in a relationship. You are either together or you are apart. When you were broken up -- which is what you were -- she was free to do anything or anybody she wanted.

 

She did. She also learned from that experience. At the time she didn't know enough about herself or the world in general to appreciate what a catch you are. She figured it & out & came back. She chose you.

 

OK fine, you guys had this deal. But anybody with any sense could have predicted that your deal was a joke & that one of you wasn't going to honor it. Low & behold . . . that's what happened.

 

Now here you are complaining & slut shaming her because you are no longer the only person she has ever had sex with. The idea of marrying a virgin & being the only partner somebody has for a lifetime is unrealistic. If that was your dream & you will never get over what she did, call of the wedding sooner rather than later because if you resent her & punish her forever, what kind of marriage do you think that will be? It certainly won't be a happy fulfilling one.

 

If you genuinely love her & that is the sense I get, try to check your ego & find a way to forgive her if she is genuinely remorseful about not telling you what happened. She doesn't have to be remorseful about sleeping with the other guys because that was the implied purpose of this break -- for her to explore & find out what was out there. You need to focus on the fact that after sampling other parts of the world she made a voluntary, informed choice to return to you. On balance what happened is preferable to her waking up at 45, realizing her whole life has been sheltered & having an affair.

 

Before you throw away 5 years & an engagement, get some serious & in-depth pre-marital counseling. For now, do not pay any deposits for the wedding & if you can, cancel any plans you have made to assure maximum refunds.

[tough love]

She may have lied by omission but she didn't cheat.

 

You two were "on a break." I've said it before & I will say it again because this proves it. Breaks are STUPID & do nothing but cause more problems! There is no such thing as a "time out" in a relationship. You are either together or you are apart. When you were broken up -- which is what you were -- she was free to do anything or anybody she wanted.

 

She did. She also learned from that experience. At the time she didn't know enough about herself or the world in general to appreciate what a catch you are. She figured it & out & came back. She chose you.

 

OK fine, you guys had this deal. But anybody with any sense could have predicted that your deal was a joke & that one of you wasn't going to honor it. Low & behold . . . that's what happened.

 

Now here you are complaining & slut shaming her because you are no longer the only person she has ever had sex with. The idea of marrying a virgin & being the only partner somebody has for a lifetime is unrealistic. If that was your dream & you will never get over what she did, call of the wedding sooner rather than later because if you resent her & punish her forever, what kind of marriage do you think that will be? It certainly won't be a happy fulfilling one.

 

If you genuinely love her & that is the sense I get, try to check your ego & find a way to forgive her if she is genuinely remorseful about not telling you what happened. She doesn't have to be remorseful about sleeping with the other guys because that was the implied purpose of this break -- for her to explore & find out what was out there. You need to focus on the fact that after sampling other parts of the world she made a voluntary, informed choice to return to you. On balance what happened is preferable to her waking up at 45, realizing her whole life has been sheltered & having an affair.

 

Before you throw away 5 years & an engagement, get some serious & in-depth pre-marital counseling. For now, do not pay any deposits for the wedding & if you can, cancel any plans you have made to assure maximum refunds.

 

I would agree with most of what you said. The problem I see is that she blatantly lied to him, which was a thought out, calculated plan to deceive him. Yes, she chose him, but he should also have the right to make an informed choice. Fortunately, now he can make that informed choice. Again, the lying is the real issue for me. In my case, it uncovered many, many lies.

 

I think he loves his fiancé and he will try to work this out. That is great if he can since he is making an informed choice. I wish him well!

[tough love]

BTW, I don't think she lied by omission. I believe the OP said she told him he was still the only one she had sex with. She still didn't cheat IMO if they were on a break, but she blatantly lied and not by omission.

[MrMeh]

BTW, I don't think she lied by omission. I believe the OP said she told him he was still the only one she had sex with. She still didn't cheat IMO if they were on a break, but she blatantly lied and not by omission.

 

If all you need is a "break" to have sex with another person then I guess it's cool,huh?

[lolablue17]

She may have lied by omission but she didn't cheat.

 

You two were "on a break."

 

Not exactely!

 

I quote from his original message - quote: "Before the break we agreed it was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I find out this". End of quote.

 

Yes, they were on a break, but with rules they've established. She broke those rules.

 

Right after she screwed the first guy, she had to give him a notice that the 'break' is over, and it's now a break up. (that, if she doesn't want to give him the details).

 

But when you come and ask him to take you back, and he asks you to marry him, and you perfectly know that he's doing that based on the information you gave him - that he thinks you didn't sleep with anyone during that break - It's cheating by all means.

 

It's also the worst kind of deception to manipulate someone this way in order to get a proposal... UUUGGGHHH!!!

Edited August 21, 2014 by lolablue17

[tom670]

Not exactely!

 

I quote from his original message - quote: "Before the break we agreed it was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I find out this". End of quote.

 

Yes, they were on a break, but with rules they've established. She broke those rules.

 

Right after she screwed the first guy, she had to give him a notice that the 'break' is over, and it's now a break up. (that, if she doesn't want to give him the details).

 

But when you come and ask him to take you back, and he asks you to marry him, and you perfectly know that he's doing that based on the information you gave him - that he thinks you didn't sleep with anyone during that break - It's cheating by all means.

 

It's also the worst kind of deception to manipulate someone this way in order to get a proposal... UUUGGGHHH!!!

 

Exactly then in a cheaters mind if he let her get away with it last time I'll just screw some more guys because I know he won't leave me.

It will be a matter of when not if.

[tom670]

She will begin losing respect for you because you married her even after finding this out the sex will dry up and she will be getting it elsewhere.

That's the script.

Good luck.