Fiance cheated a year ago and has been lying

[d0nnivain]

But when you come and ask him to take you back, and he asks you to marry him, and you perfectly know that he's doing that based on the information you gave him - that he thinks you didn't sleep with anyone during that break - It's cheating by all means.

 

It maybe LYING but it's still not cheating. They are different sins.

[lolablue17]

It maybe LYING but it's still not cheating. They are different sins.

 

Let's agree with the term "deception"? "Lying" is too soft...

 

Because she did it in order to get a proposal based on her lies.

[Andrewanthony111]

Lola and donnivian I appreciate yalls response and giving me advice on both sides of the fence. I blew up because some of you think you know it all and assume you know who we are and what will happen. You can all assume what you want and say what you want and i am ok with that but this is my decision based on my thoughts and feelings. And I made this thread for advice, not someone to tell me what to do because that's my decision. I appreciate everyone's concern and advice, and know that you helped someone make a large decision in their life, Especially the aforementioned names.

[tom670]

Lola and donnivian I appreciate yalls response and giving me advice on both sides of the fence. I blew up because some of you think you know it all and assume you know who we are and what will happen. You can all assume what you want and say what you want and i am ok with that but this is my decision based on my thoughts and feelings. And I made this thread for advice, not someone to tell me what to do because that's my decision. I appreciate everyone's concern and advice, and know that you helped someone make a large decision in their life, Especially the aforementioned names.

 

Andrew we are not bashing you given what you told us we gave our opinions nothing more I hope I am wrong and everything works out.

Peace.

[lolablue17]

Lola and donnivian I appreciate yalls response and giving me advice on both sides of the fence. I blew up because some of you think you know it all and assume you know who we are and what will happen. You can all assume what you want and say what you want and i am ok with that but this is my decision based on my thoughts and feelings. And I made this thread for advice, not someone to tell me what to do because that's my decision. I appreciate everyone's concern and advice, and know that you helped someone make a large decision in their life, Especially the aforementioned names.

 

It's your life, man... We judge things with very little information you give us. It's good for you to hear different views, and get some perspective and ideas. After that of course it's your decision.

 

But you shouldn't be disappointed because you don't hear the things you wish to hear. Everything is cool and I wish you happiness.

[tough love]

If all you need is a "break" to have sex with another person then I guess it's cool,huh?

 

No, I don't think what she did is okay by any means when she had sex with other. I think they had an agreement that she broke. He had a right to know this right away as lolablue stated below.

 

Not exactely!

 

I quote from his original message - quote: "Before the break we agreed it was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I find out this". End of quote.

 

Yes, they were on a break, but with rules they've established. She broke those rules.

 

Right after she screwed the first guy, she had to give him a notice that the 'break' is over, and it's now a break up. (that, if she doesn't want to give him the details).

 

But when you come and ask him to take you back, and he asks you to marry him, and you perfectly know that he's doing that based on the information you gave him - that he thinks you didn't sleep with anyone during that break - It's cheating by all means.

 

It's also the worst kind of deception to manipulate someone this way in order to get a proposal... UUUGGGHHH!!!

 

Very well said!!!

 

Lola and donnivian I appreciate yalls response and giving me advice on both sides of the fence. I blew up because some of you think you know it all and assume you know who we are and what will happen. You can all assume what you want and say what you want and i am ok with that but this is my decision based on my thoughts and feelings. And I made this thread for advice, not someone to tell me what to do because that's my decision. I appreciate everyone's concern and advice, and know that you helped someone make a large decision in their life, Especially the aforementioned names.

 

Again, make the decision you feel is best for YOU. You have the gift of finding out before you tie the knot and have a family, finances and 20+ years spent living a lie. I am trying to work it out with my wife. Not sure I would have stayed with her, had I found a year before our wedding that she had cheated on me 2 years earlier, early in our dating relationship. Huge issues now when it comes to trust, wondering what else I don't know about or how my life could have been different (maybe for the worse, but MAYBE FOR THE BETTER). Now, we have a family and I can't bring myself to rip our family apart and the only thing worse than the thought of knowing she betrayed and deceived me to trick me into staying with her is the thought of not seeing our kids whenever I want to.

[tough love]

Mr. Meh, I get what you are saying. I waffle on it being "cheating". I think being on a break is kind of foolish because you are essentially breaking up.

If my now wife would have told me a part of her wished she could date other guys as a new college student and she felt like she was missing, I would have broke up with her in a heart beat because I would have known she wasn't 100% committed and there was a chance she would/could screw around on me. Same with knowing about her past. If she had been honest with me about her past, I would of known what her patterns of behavior were and I would have paid more attention to the red flags I foolishly ignored.

 

All the lies were meant to deceive and trick me and she worked it like a charm. Fortunately, the OP has an opportunity to make the informed choice, whatever he decides. I would give darn near anything to have that opportunity. I passed up a possible relationship with someone else I had been interested in (timing was always off) because I was in a committed/exclusive relationship with my wife (then girlfriend) and I thought, and was lead to believe, it was mutual. Boy, was I wrong, but as I keep hearing, "we can't go back & can't change it". So here I am living a life I would have never chosen but don't have the heart to tear apart my family.

[Andrewanthony111]

Thank you all.. I have decided to give her a chance to try and work things out. Some of the harsh things I took offense to were things I needed to ask her and confront her about but didn't have the words to do so, in the end they did help me and I apologize, it just seemed like some of you had destined us for failure no matter what were to happen. All of you have helped me ask the questions that I needed to ask and her answers helped me, and knowing her so deeply and being in love with her to such an extent, I know she wants this and I am giving her the chance to make up for her giant mistake. Thank you all for your best wishes towards us, and I will take everything you have taught me into account. Our engagement was meant to be 2 years because I would like to graduate college, as would she, before taking this step. So we have time to heal and time to think. I wish you all the best in your situations and you have all made a difference in my life. I know and can see she wants this as much as I do and she and I are willing to work for something we want and for someone we love. I will be starting from square one with trust and in general and she has made clear how much she wants me and that she will do anything to make this work.

 

Once again, thanks to each and every one of you.

[RemainUnchanged]

Thank you all.. I have decided to give her a chance to try and work things out. Some of the harsh things I took offense to were things I needed to ask her and confront her about but didn't have the words to do so, in the end they did help me and I apologize, it just seemed like some of you had destined us for failure no matter what were to happen. All of you have helped me ask the questions that I needed to ask and her answers helped me, and knowing her so deeply and being in love with her to such an extent, I know she wants this and I am giving her the chance to make up for her giant mistake. Thank you all for your best wishes towards us, and I will take everything you have taught me into account. Our engagement was meant to be 2 years because I would like to graduate college, as would she, before taking this step. So we have time to heal and time to think. I wish you all the best in your situations and you have all made a difference in my life. I know and can see she wants this as much as I do and she and I are willing to work for something we want and for someone we love. I will be starting from square one with trust and in general and she has made clear how much she wants me and that she will do anything to make this work.

 

Once again, thanks to each and every one of you.

 

 

 

how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[tough love]

Thank you all.. I have decided to give her a chance to try and work things out. Some of the harsh things I took offense to were things I needed to ask her and confront her about but didn't have the words to do so, in the end they did help me and I apologize, it just seemed like some of you had destined us for failure no matter what were to happen. All of you have helped me ask the questions that I needed to ask and her answers helped me, and knowing her so deeply and being in love with her to such an extent, I know she wants this and I am giving her the chance to make up for her giant mistake. Thank you all for your best wishes towards us, and I will take everything you have taught me into account. Our engagement was meant to be 2 years because I would like to graduate college, as would she, before taking this step. So we have time to heal and time to think. I wish you all the best in your situations and you have all made a difference in my life. I know and can see she wants this as much as I do and she and I are willing to work for something we want and for someone we love. I will be starting from square one with trust and in general and she has made clear how much she wants me and that she will do anything to make this work.

 

Once again, thanks to each and every one of you.

 

That is good to hear that you have a couple of years before you marry. I am about 2 years out from finding out I was cheated on while not on a break. It took 21 years to find out and I was shocked that she could deceive me like that and play me for such a fool (and ashamed that I let her). But I can say tHat even though we are not where we were before I found out we are better than we were two years ago. I still don't trust her to be honest with me and doubt I have been told the truth about everything but don't think I will get any more info, ever. So I am stuck with the cards I have been dealt.

 

I really wish you the best and hope you do what is best for YOU. You don't have to peles anyone but yourself, even if it means you decide to leave your fiancé and break her heart. You have both learned from this and will use this experience going forward. Good luck!

[Darren Steez]

I know my relationship and I know who I am. I'm making this decision based on how I feel about the woman I love. This thread has done nothing but prove to me that I am in the company of a few good people, and a few who think love must be dealt with experience. If I have been happy for 5 years and my happiness has been growing and growing, then I should leave her just to explore and see if I could find better. This doesn't make sense to me. I've met woman throughout the years and I don't need to explore with them just to make sure I'm in love. I know myself better than anyone and I know when I'm truly happy. And I'm not going to leave the woman whom I love and would die for to explore, not because I am comfortable, but because I know who I am and who I love better than anyone could tell me.

 

Thank you to the few who gave me advice, positive or negative, I do appreciate it. That was strictly directed to the people who feel they know what all men need and who talked down directly to me and my fiance. I respect all advice given and don't block out the negative, only the insults. I hate the standards some people set that a person must explore even if they are truly happy. And don't dare make assumptions of what she will do to me in the future.

I hope one day people will realize they can be happy with one secure partner in their whole life, and that they can truly be happy and in love without searching for something better. My fiance is a person I love, not some thing I try to upgrade from because I haven't seen next week's girl.

 

errm why exactly are you here? You asked for advise then attack the people whose advise you don't like.

 

You're not going to leave her, so there's nothing to tell you is there?

 

Good luck

[Andrewanthony111]

In my last post I apologized and thanked everyone for all of the help regardless of positive or negative and just said that all of the negative posts helped me ask the questions I needed to, it just took me time to realize. I will admit when I am wrong, and I did. More importantly I decided to listen to the posts, negative and positive

 

Why don't you read everything before you decide to post something.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Andrewanthony111

[Andrewanthony111]

What last sentence? In my last post I was referring to the positive and negative posts throughout this thread and how I decided to listen to everyone. I never said anything about just letting go and that's not what I am doing.

And you don't know anything about me so please do not make all of these assumptions about who I am or how unexperienced and un confident I am. I appreciate the help you have given me but telling me these things that you know about me and how now matter what happens I will be drug along isn't correct. I know who I am and I am confident in my decision. And before someone else says then why did I make this post, it is because the advice I received helped me to ask the questions I needed to ask and to help my relationship. I know what I am doing by making this decision and it is worth it to be with this girl. But thank you for your opinion, but I have faith in her, and faith in us.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Andrewanthony111

[Andrewanthony111]

I will still be reading responses but this thread has helped me with what I needed and I am extremely grateful to all of you. With your help and advice, positive or negative, you have helped me make the decision I have. I weighed the positive and all of the negative and I feel my decision is the right one. I'm giving it a chance and her a chance.

 

Thank you all for helping me out with this,

Andrew

[RemainUnchanged]

I will still be reading responses but this thread has helped me with what I needed and I am extremely grateful to all of you. With your help and advice, positive or negative, you have helped me make the decision I have. I weighed the positive and all of the negative and I feel my decision is the right one. I'm giving it a chance and her a chance.

 

Thank you all for helping me out with this,

Andrew

 

 

how old did you say you were?

 

how old is she?

[Elle1975]

she's grown more mature and has been completely invested in our relationship and I love her more than anything

That's what you should be looking at.

 

She didn't cheat, since you guys were on a break. Moreover, I would be more distressed about her emotional attachment to someone else than about a sexual encounter.

 

In the end that's your call, but since you were on break, and she was doing exactly what she said she'd do, I'd "forgive" that one.

[Tayla]

Anthony- Please accept on behalf of some of the less then positive posters here, an apology for less then civil remarks made to you on your inquiry here. we have rules here , being objective and helpful is more suitable to the matter.

 

And yes you most definitely were being attacked for your standards, whether others liked them or not, they are yours. It took much to come here seeking assistance.

 

Is your struggle moral, ethical or physical health? Here is a reality check, If you think people are 100% truthfull , change that mindset, no one here has walked this earth being 100% truthful or Honest. despite the few here that insist they never lie... Trust in this, we all have and do lie at some points in our lives,and some are more trustworthy then others. decide for yourself if your gf is trustworthy. I think she is .. its how you define trustyworthy. I dont cast stones nor do I think you are meaning to on this matter, you are simply seeking a reality check for where the circumstances are in your life. each day is a choice, to either wipe the slate clean or allow it to fester...You have total say in which way to go. I can hold a grudge like none other, yet given a rational alternative, its clear that I'd rather clean the slate then allow things to torment.

[damien201]

Just don't take the engagement too seriously.

 

See it as what it is - more serious dating. Never feel obligated to stay with this woman because you're engaged. It's a second chance for both of you, not an obligation on your part.

 

And be very prepared to feel more confused emotionally than you ever have in your life. If you're normal at all, expect to go from feeling entirely in love to feeling deeply resentful, paranoid, insecure, and myriad other negative emotions at a moment's notice.

[Andrewanthony111]

Elle and Damien thank you both... And tayla I can't express enough my thanks to you. I felt like I was the only one seeing that I was being attacked and when I addressed it I was called the attacker. It made me think I was even more wrong for thinking things could work out.

 

How do I regain my trust in her? I know with time and her showing me, but is there any advice you can offer me?

 

I do love her more than anything in the world and knowing her so deeply I know that she wants this as much as I do.

 

This is what I've needed since page one and barely gotten and it feels great to finally get advice and help from people. I'll take negative advice all day and I did want it from both sides, but I needed smart, unbiased help from caring people.

[damien201]

Other things come to mind.

 

For those who say it's not a big deal to date or sleep with other people while on a "break", I'm curious if you've been in a serious relationship and done that. Sleeping around with other people while dating casually is something else entirely than breaking off a serious, committed relationship, and then resuming again after one or both parties have slept with other people. I've been there.

 

It's one of the most confusing and challenging emotional situations I've ever dealt with.

 

Speaking logically, one can understand how there's nothing wrong in doing this. You weren't officially together, from an objective standpoint there should be nothing wrong with becoming involved with other people at this point.

 

Emotionally though, it is a different problem. A person you love, and who you know loves you, slept with someone else while you were still emotionally connected. How would it not make you question their loyalty and honesty? How would your confidence in the relationship, and a person, not be undermined knowing the person you love put you on the back burner to "explore life." If this doesn't make you feel insecure I don't know what would.

 

Speaking from experience, the most frustrating thing in my opinion was the ability to logically accept what happened as "ok" while quelling the extreme feelings of resentment and guilt. You drive yourself crazy wondering why you feel crazy. Then you realize that's silly and laugh at yourself until it happens again. And again.

Edited August 22, 2014 by damien201

[tom670]

Andrew do me a favor and look up "women and the limbic brain" and please read

"No More Mr Nice Guy"

and...

"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"

It will transform you with or without her they are really good books and cheap.

[oldshirt]

I think you were duped here.

 

 

When people say they want a "break", what they are really saying is - "I want to try some other people on for size but I want you to wait on stand-by for me on the shelf in case none of them work out."

 

 

Then she went out and had some fun and thrills and when these other studs wouldn't have her fulltime and she had had her fun, she came back to you. In other words, you were the fall-back guy.

 

 

Then lets throw in these other issues.

 

 

-You both agreed to not screw other people - but she did anyway. 2 that we know of, but you have no way of knowing what all she really did during that time (other than her "word" but she has proven herself a liar)

 

 

- when she came back she told you she didn't do anything and you didn't find out till a long time later.

 

 

 

 

So at this point we have to assume she intentionally set out to be with other people and used the good ol' "break" strategy as her get-out-of-jail free card, kind of like diplomatic immunity. She entered into a false and deceptive break agreement, then lied about it, then covered it up and let you propose and enter into an engagement and make future marriage plans all why you were under the false pretense that she had remained faithful to this "break" agreement.

 

 

I'm sorry, but the folks who are saying this isn't 'cheating' are using this whole break thing as a loophole and a technicality. This was done under false pretense, it was deceptive, there were bold-faced lies told to your face and it was covered up and allowed to go on indefinitely.

 

 

Bottom line, she pulled one over on you and had some fun and thrills at your expense and had her legs over a few guys shoulders while you sat home playing Xbox with your buddies waiting for her to call.

 

 

She used the "break" strategy instead of making a clean break because she knew you would be patiently waiting for her return and would be sitting at home honoring the agreement of not screwing other people.

 

 

To be quite honest, I have less respect and esteem for her than if she had simply dumped your @$$ and gone on about her business and screwed the whole neighborhood. At least then she would've been honest and it would have afforded you the same opportunity to have done the same. Instead she knew that you were the kind of person that would be a good boy and sit and wait for her to return and would welcome her back with open arms while other dudes sperm was trickling down her legs.

 

 

Breaking up with someone because you don't want be committed to them and want to date other people is fair. concocting plans to manipulate them with terms like "break" and making them wait on the shelf like a castrated eunich while you bang other dudes and then lie about it and cover it up while they fall in love you all over again is evil and cruel.

[oldshirt]

Andrew do me a favor and look up "women and the limbic brain" and please read

"No More Mr Nice Guy"

and...

"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"

It will transform you with or without her they are really good books and cheap.

 

I agree with the above recommendations. Read those materials and you will see that you fell hook, line and sinker for her manipulation.

 

You may or may not decide to keep her but either way read the books and apply the material so you aren't so easily duped and manipulated in the future whether it is by her or some other woman.

 

You were taken advantage of and played as a fool.

 

(And don't take that as a put down. I can say that because it was done to me a number of times in my youth untill I finally caught on)

[tough love]

Anthony- Please accept on behalf of some of the less then positive posters here, an apology for less then civil remarks made to you on your inquiry here. we have rules here , being objective and helpful is more suitable to the matter.

 

And yes you most definitely were being attacked for your standards, whether others liked them or not, they are yours. It took much to come here seeking assistance.

 

Is your struggle moral, ethical or physical health? Here is a reality check, If you think people are 100% truthfull , change that mindset, no one here has walked this earth being 100% truthful or Honest. despite the few here that insist they never lie... Trust in this, we all have and do lie at some points in our lives,and some are more trustworthy then others. decide for yourself if your gf is trustworthy. I think she is .. its how you define trustyworthy. I dont cast stones nor do I think you are meaning to on this matter, you are simply seeking a reality check for where the circumstances are in your life. each day is a choice, to either wipe the slate clean or allow it to fester...You have total say in which way to go. I can hold a grudge like none other, yet given a rational alternative, its clear that I'd rather clean the slate then allow things to torment.

 

Just don't take the engagement too seriously.

 

See it as what it is - more serious dating. Never feel obligated to stay with this woman because you're engaged. It's a second chance for both of you, not an obligation on your part.

 

And be very prepared to feel more confused emotionally than you ever have in your life. If you're normal at all, expect to go from feeling entirely in love to feeling deeply resentful, paranoid, insecure, and myriad other negative emotions at a moment's notice.

 

Other things come to mind.

 

For those who say it's not a big deal to date or sleep with other people while on a "break", I'm curious if you've been in a serious relationship and done that. Sleeping around with other people while dating casually is something else entirely than breaking off a serious, committed relationship, and then resuming again after one or both parties have slept with other people. I've been there.

 

It's one of the most confusing and challenging emotional situations I've ever dealt with.

 

Speaking logically, one can understand how there's nothing wrong in doing this. You weren't officially together, from an objective standpoint there should be nothing wrong with becoming involved with other people at this point.

 

Emotionally though, it is a different problem. A person you love, and who you know loves you, slept with someone else while you were still emotionally connected. How would it not make you question their loyalty and honesty? How would your confidence in the relationship, and a person, not be undermined knowing the person you love put you on the back burner to "explore life." If this doesn't make you feel insecure I don't know what would.

 

Speaking from experience, the most frustrating thing in my opinion was the ability to logically accept what happened as "ok" while quelling the extreme feelings of resentment and guilt. You drive yourself crazy wondering why you feel crazy. Then you realize that's silly and laugh at yourself until it happens again. And again.

 

These are all excellent posts IMO. Very well said Tayla & Damien201.

[tom670]

I agree with the above recommendations. Read those materials and you will see that you fell hook, line and sinker for her manipulation.

 

You may or may not decide to keep her but either way read the books and apply the material so you aren't so easily duped and manipulated in the future whether it is by her or some other woman.

 

You were taken advantage of and played as a fool.

 

(And don't take that as a put down. I can say that because it was done to me a number of times in my youth untill I finally caught on)

 

Society tells men to do one thing.

A woman's subconscious the limbic/reptilian brain reacts to the opposite.

It is true biology doesn't lie.

Google it.