Fiance cheated a year ago and has been lying

[Emilia]

Elle and Damien thank you both... And tayla I can't express enough my thanks to you. I felt like I was the only one seeing that I was being attacked and when I addressed it I was called the attacker. It made me think I was even more wrong for thinking things could work out.

 

How do I regain my trust in her? I know with time and her showing me, but is there any advice you can offer me?

 

I do love her more than anything in the world and knowing her so deeply I know that she wants this as much as I do.

 

This is what I've needed since page one and barely gotten and it feels great to finally get advice and help from people. I'll take negative advice all day and I did want it from both sides, but I needed smart, unbiased help from caring people.

 

For a woman to respect and love a man, he has to be in a certain way. He has to have balls, stand up for himself, fight his own corner to make her believe that he could fight for her too.

 

He can't fall for the old 'I'll take a break and sleep around but it's not cheating because it's a break', he has to have a pair, you know? As oldshirt said, you simply can't accept that she is on her back with several guys while you are playing Xbox waiting for her call. You can't take this from a future wife.

 

I do think for future happiness you need to a) dump this woman and b) get more assertive. The doormat tendencies will keep losing your woman's respect for you OP.

 

There is no way around this, you can request as many nice posts as you want. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will get screwed over all your life.

[lolablue17]

How do I regain my trust in her? I know with time and her showing me, but is there any advice you can offer me?

 

You already know how to regain your trust. It's very wise to marry in 2 years. 2 years is not a very long time, but it's long enough to see how you're doing together.

 

During that period I advice you to be alert to symptoms... no alert to cheating because she probably wont cheat now...

 

But things like how much does she Share emotions with you, how much focus she gives your feelings when you're insecure (you'll have moments), does she make efforts to be transparent to you, ect... etc...

[tom670]

You already know how to regain your trust. It's very wise to marry in 2 years. 2 years is not a very long time, but it's long enough to see how you're doing together.

 

During that period I advice you to be alert to symptoms... no alert to cheating because she probably wont cheat now...

 

But things like how much does she Share emotions with you, how much focus she gives your feelings when you're insecure (you'll have moments), does she make efforts to be transparent to you, ect... etc...

 

If she has stopped with the lies and is really making an effort that is a good start.

Time will tell.

[drifter777]

It's pretty much a universal law of nature that when a woman says she wants to take a break she already has another guy she wants to have sex with all lined up. And they use the term "break" in order to keep you - their backup plan - warm in case they tire of that new guy or the casual dating (sex) life in general. If you understand this and still want to give her a second chance then I wish you luck. She may have gotten it out of her system - at least for a while - or simply learned that she doesn't want that kind of life anymore. Keep in mind that the idea that an engagement is an audition for marriage. Behavior and boundaries are now much more serious for both of you as you decide whether marriage is the right step for you.

[Buckeye2]

Before the break we agreedit was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I findout this.

 

 

She didn't cheat, since you guyswere on a break. In the end that's your call, but since you were on break, and she was doing exactly what she said she'd do, I'd "forgive" that one.

 

 

Elle and Damien thank you both

 

 

OP, you're so desperate to feel good about this that you're thanking someone for rewriting history? You were there and know the terms of the break.

 

 

Oldshirt is wise and you shouldlisten to him.

 

 

Let me spin a tail that will make you feel better since you are going to marry her no matter what.

 

 

I will give your story the best positive spin I can but not ignore the facts.

 

 

You had been with your girlfriend for five years and were each other’s one and only. Your girlfriend knew you were special and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you.

 

 

When she told her girlfriends this they said you can’t live the rest of your life only having sex with one man, you need some strange before you get married. She thought about this and certainly didn’t want to cheat on you after you were married.

 

 

So she asked you for a break so she could do it honestly. Unfortunately you made her promise it would “only emotional and no physicalactivities would happen.” That made things difficult for her but she went ahead with her plan anyway.

 

 

She had meaningless sex with guys just to try it out. She didn’t care about them. She was just using them as a piece of meat.

 

 

I just found out this weekthat during that break she had sex with 2 different guys, one of which is completely out of her life because he gave us recurring problems.

 

 

After she had her fill of other man she could now settle down with you. Now that she was free to get married, she treated you better than she ever had in the entire five years you were together.

 

 

After the break out relationship has been at an all-time high, enough for me to propose to her and want to marry her.

 

 

She knows how rare it is now a days for a couple to have only had sex with each other and knew you took pride in that fact. She didn’t want to take that away from you so she was forced to lie.

 

 

Unfortunately you discovered her lies. You would have been better off not knowing. Now she knows that she can have sex with random men and you will forgive her with no repercussions what so ever.

 

 

All she has to do is say she’s sorry and look sad.

 

 

What are you going to do if you have kids and she does it again?

Edited August 23, 2014 by Buckeye2

[No Limit]

When she told her girlfriends this they said you can’t live the rest of your life only having sex with one man, you need some strange before you get married.

 

"Wisdoms" like that sound so sick that I can't believe there are people out there actually believing this crap.

 

What are you going to do if you have kids and she does it again?

 

Well, it needn't be his children. As long as he doesn't live in a state where they'll force him to pay child support even if he's not the father he can live the dream for as long as it lasts.

[giblesp]

I'm not quite sure why you want to marry this woman.

 

She left you to go and have promiscuous sex, comes back to you and lies about it. This is not love.

 

You've been betrayed and your partner has been selfish in her sexual needs. She's not going to change, and if you take her back and marry her you will most probably be betrayed again.

 

Sorry for the direct tone, I've been there with these type of women also.

Edited August 23, 2014 by giblesp

[giblesp]

She most probably planned the whole thing on an instinctive level. A very selfish instinct. She'll announce a 'break' to explore one night stands. You're a safe option with future prospects, studying and looking after your career. So, she kept you waiting under the illusion that she is waiting for you her one and only, while she explores sex with strangers. Having experienced that, she comes back to you and lies to you.

 

If you take this treatment in your life, it will happen to you again. You have been abused my friend. You were abused because you allowed it to happen, and you're still allowing it. Women will really disrespect you for this, and treat you badly.

 

You're talking about love, but where is the self love if you excuse this sort of behavior? And how can a woman trust and love you, when you will tolerate her lies and betrayal? She'll actually feel drained by your tolerance on the long term, and end up doing it again.

Taking this sort of treatment from women is not love, and does not show that you love her. Like I said, I've been in similar situations to you and came to the honest conclusion that I was tolerating abuse because I was needy.

[aliveagain]

Please help my with sorting my life out with my fiance..?

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. We have been engaged for 9 months. About a year and a half ago she requested a break to have some space and make sure I was the one, because we are each others only serious relationship. The break lasted 3 months and she ended up finding out how most guys really are and came back to me asking me to take her back and I did.

 

Here's the problem I'm facing.. I just found out this week that during that break she had sex with 2 different guys, one of which is completely out of her life because he gave us recurring problems. She has lied to me this entire time telling me I was still the only person she had sex with, and says that she just didn't know how to break the news to me. Before the break we agreed it was only emotional and no physical activities would happen and now I find out this.

 

After the break out relationship has been at a all time high, enough for me to propose to her and want to marry her. I'm having a extremely hard time dealing with this lie and the fact she said yes to my proposal knowing she was hiding this lie. That was a dark time in her past and I know she's grown more mature and has been completely invested in our relationship and I love her more than anything but I don't know what to do.

 

She's the only girl I've made love to and the only girl I want but I have no idea how I will ever trust her again. I used to be the only guy she has had sex with before that, and finding all of this out is killing me

 

 

Read the part about the O/M that was the recurring problem, the real problem was she was attracted to him, he is the main reason she asked for the break. She wanted to pursue him without the guilt of cheating on you, but she still cheated because she promised you there would be no sex with other men. Your having problems with this now because your gut is screaming at you that she cheated, she broke your trust, she lied to you yet accepted your proposal to marry her. You are here looking for validation from others that have been cheated on, that your situation is different and because you were on a break(that she requested and we now know why) that we will reinforce your decision to marry her. Your gut is telling you to stop, there is a huge imbalance created by her infidelity, she's still your only one, you are now one of several of her conquests she can mentally relive and compare.

 

That imbalance will never go away and if you want her in your life you will need to accept what she did and find a way to live with it. It will not matter which site you post on, everyone will tell you the same thing about taking a break from each other. The one requesting the break already knows who they are going to be with before the break happens(there are exceptions but the norm is O/M, O/W is already known to them). This O/M is now forever out of the picture, she slept with him, once, twice, five times, 10 times over the three month period so she had her fill of him and decided he wasn't Mr. Right after all. She than had O/M number two just to compare and for whatever reason decided that you were the better choice. You in the meantime honored your word while waiting for her to miss you. She knew she cheated when she accepted your proposal, she knew for 9 months. How did you find out the truth? Listen to your gut, why did it take a year and a half to get the truth?

 

She's had a year and a half to deal with this, you just found out last week, she's had lots of time to prepare her answers.

Edited August 23, 2014 by aliveagain

[drifter777]

She most probably planned the whole thing on an instinctive level. A very selfish instinct. She'll announce a 'break' to explore one night stands. You're a safe option with future prospects, studying and looking after your career. So, she kept you waiting under the illusion that she is waiting for you her one and only, while she explores sex with strangers. Having experienced that, she comes back to you and lies to you.

 

If you take this treatment in your life, it will happen to you again. You have been abused my friend. You were abused because you allowed it to happen, and you're still allowing it. Women will really disrespect you for this, and treat you badly.

 

You're talking about love, but where is the self love if you excuse this sort of behavior? And how can a woman trust and love you, when you will tolerate her lies and betrayal? She'll actually feel drained by your tolerance on the long term, and end up doing it again.

Taking this sort of treatment from women is not love, and does not show that you love her. Like I said, I've been in similar situations to you and came to the honest conclusion that I was tolerating abuse because I was needy.

OP - this is a solid post. The thing this warns against is the potential for self-loathing if she cheats again OR what she did keeps eating away at you for years after you marry her. Right now this sounds extreme to you but the reason many posters bring it up is because we've been in your shoes or seen it happen to other BH's. This a very real danger and possibility no matter how you deal with her cheating now. The longer you deny how devastating this is to your relationship and the real possibility that you will not survive reconciliation the stronger that self hatred will be. It doesn't mean you can't reconcile - it means your rationalizing her behavior and minimizing its affect on your relationship will make it much harder and reduce the likelihood you will succeed.

[Buckeye2]

I just found out this week that during that break she had sex with 2 different guys, one of which is completely out of her life because he gave us recurring problems.

 

Read the part about the O/M that was the recurring problem, the real problem was she was attracted to him, he is the main reason she asked for the break. She wanted to pursue him without the guilt of cheating on you, but she still cheated because she promised you there would be no sex with other men.

 

What were the recurring problems that caused him to be completely out of her life? She seems to have brought him back into her life the first chance she got.

 

 

I assume she knew that you didn’t like him. She could have had any man yet she chose one in particular that caused you trouble. She knew that this man was in your community would be able to look at you later knowing that he had your wife.

 

 

This is disrespect on steroids. How did you find out? Did he brag to you?

Edited August 23, 2014 by Buckeye2

[loversquarrel]

I only read the first page of responses and it was enough for me. Please listen to those who have experienced similar hardships, don't listen to the idiots that claim she didn't cheat. She may not have cheated TECHNICALLY... but she obviously felt wrong about it as she didn't tell you what she did and you both had said you wouldn't get physical. She did. And more than once. Within three months time. Banged two guys and made you look like a chump.

 

I had a similar situation and i paid for it dearly. Married a woman who had cheated on me just prior to our engagement. I had no idea until 14 years later. Guess what? 14 yrs. in and two children together, she did it again. I dumped her ass and divorced her for it. If I had known she had cheated on me before we got married it would have made my life so much easier. Walking away would have been easier.

 

You really need to examine all of the evidence here. She did it too you once, had her cake and ate it too.... Do you really want to end up with a woman that respects you so little she was able to screw two guys within a three month period?? Did you want to do that with other women in the same period?? - No, you didn't. You love her more than she loves you, your marriage will surely fail and one day you will resent her for what she did. It's up to you, but at a bare minimum you should put the wedding off and maybe even call the engagement off until you can heal and decide what kind of treatment you deserve from a woman. Don't be weak - you will pay dearly for weakness.

[loversquarrel]

Tell her you want a break and then go bang two women, then tell her what you did when you went on your break. Then you will find out how much she truly loves you.

 

The best thing I did to my ex wife before filing divorce papers was go out and revenge cheat on her, then told her about it. Funny how they react when the tables are turned.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, your letting your emotions lead the way rather than using common sense. If your going to have any kind of relationship with someone, then there has to be honesty and from what happened she wasn't honest with you.

 

Then when the people here WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT WORSE give you advice, you take exception to it and in so many words tell them that they don't know what their talking about.

 

So here it is. She lied to you and broke the agreement that you two had. If you didn't find out on your own, I'd bet the house she would have never told you about it.

 

People here are telling you that your headed for trouble and your poo, pooing them and calling them out so if that's the case then why did you bother to post this thread.

 

Comes down to this, your want to marry her, then go ahead and take the plunge, it's your life but if I were you, I would put the engagement on hold because you just might have gotten a preview of your future and it wont be a bed of roses.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Let me spin a tail that will make you feel better since you are going to marry her no matter what.

 

 

I will give your story the best positive spin I can but not ignore the facts.

 

 

You had been with your girlfriend for five years and were each other’s one and only. Your girlfriend knew you were special and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you.

 

 

When she told her girlfriends this they said you can’t live the rest of your life only having sex with one man, you need some strange before you get married. She thought about this and certainly didn’t want to cheat on you after you were married.

 

 

So she asked you for a break so she could do it honestly. Unfortunately you made her promise it would “only emotional and no physicalactivities would happen.” That made things difficult for her but she went ahead with her plan anyway.

 

 

She had meaningless sex with guys just to try it out. She didn’t care about them. She was just using them as a piece of meat.

 

 

 

 

 

After she had her fill of other man she could now settle down with you. Now that she was free to get married, she treated you better than she ever had in the entire five years you were together.

 

 

 

 

 

She knows how rare it is now a days for a couple to have only had sex with each other and knew you took pride in that fact. She didn’t want to take that away from you so she was forced to lie.

 

 

Unfortunately you discovered her lies. You would have been better off not knowing. Now she knows that she can have sex with random men and you will forgive her with no repercussions what so ever.

 

 

All she has to do is say she’s sorry and look sad.

 

 

What are you going to do if you have kids and she does it again?

 

 

 

Your "positive spin" is what chick-flicks are made of.

 

 

The reality is often not that she realized the other men weren't any good, it's that they just kept her around for a short time as a pump-and-dump and then left her.

 

 

When women drop their pants for someone else, it is because she is already attracted to him and thinks that he is an upgrade. By the time the clothes hit the floor, she has already made the decision to move on with the other guy and leave the old one behind.

 

 

When women show back up on an old BF's doorstep, 9 times out of 10 it's because the other guy wouldn't have her fulltime and so she is going back and settling for the old BF as the fall-back guy.

 

 

The problem with that is she is going to be just as vulnerable to wandering her way into someone else's bed again. Perhaps even more so now that she got a taste of a studlier guy.

[Buckeye2]

Your "positive spin" is what chick-flicks are made of.

 

The reality is often not that she realized the other men weren't any good, it's that they just kept her around for a short time as a pump-and-dump and then left her.

 

When women drop their pants for someone else, it is because she is already attracted to him and thinks that he is an upgrade. By the time the clothes hit the floor, she has already made the decision to move on with the other guy and leave the old one behind.

 

When women show back up on an old BF's doorstep, 9 times out of 10 it's because the other guy wouldn't have her fulltime and so she is going back and settling for the old BF as the fall-back guy.

 

The problem with that is she is going to be just as vulnerable to wandering her way into someone else's bed again. Perhaps even more so now that she got a taste of a studlier guy.

 

 

I agree. As I wrote:

 

 

Oldshirt is wise and you should listen to him.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Buckeye2

[tom670]

Your "positive spin" is what chick-flicks are made of.

 

 

The reality is often not that she realized the other men weren't any good, it's that they just kept her around for a short time as a pump-and-dump and then left her.

 

 

When women drop their pants for someone else, it is because she is already attracted to him and thinks that he is an upgrade. By the time the clothes hit the floor, she has already made the decision to move on with the other guy and leave the old one behind.

 

 

When women show back up on an old BF's doorstep, 9 times out of 10 it's because the other guy wouldn't have her fulltime and so she is going back and settling for the old BF as the fall-back guy.

 

 

The problem with that is she is going to be just as vulnerable to wandering her way into someone else's bed again. Perhaps even more so now that she got a taste of a studlier guy.

 

Sounds like he is going to learn the hard way.

Don't get me wrong it's his life.

I suggest if they have kids get them DNA tested.

[Buckeye2]

Your "positive spin" is what chick-flicks are made of.

 

The point I was trying to make with my positive spin is that "You can't polish a turd." Even with all my polish it was still a turd.

[Keke1]

The guy is toooooo far gone in love(his view of love at least) to see what should be blinding his eyes.

[tom670]

The guy is toooooo far gone in love(his view of love at least) to see what should be blinding his eyes.

 

Youth wasted on the young.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Please keep in mind that all of us reply on the information provided to us at the time that you post, so our posts may vary depending on our past experiences.

 

Also please keep in mind that many of us reply because so many of us have been down a similar road. It is your life of course, and take anything I say with a grain of salt.

 

 

How do you envision your future now with these "discoveries"?

 

Having read the thread, it seems to me you came here looking for positive reinforcement, and although you have gotten some, I do hope at the very least you will keep the other replies you have gotten in mind. When you were on a break it was her way of telling you that you were on the Second String and she was trying to find out if she could trade you for the Proverbial "Player to be named later". How did that make you feel, really, deep down? Again take what I say with a grain of salt, but please reconsider any engagement with this person.

 

 

You are only 1 small "disagreement" away from disaster and perhaps another "discovery" down the road...so I hope she is worth it, because it will probably happen again, around the time she tells you she is feeling "trapped"

 

Good Luck.

[tom670]

OP,

 

Please keep in mind that all of us reply on the information provided to us at the time that you post, so our posts may vary depending on our past experiences.

 

Also please keep in mind that many of us reply because so many of us have been down a similar road. It is your life of course, and take anything I say with a grain of salt.

 

 

How do you envision your future now with these "discoveries"?

 

Having read the thread, it seems to me you came here looking for positive reinforcement, and although you have gotten some, I do hope at the very least you will keep the other replies you have gotten in mind. When you were on a break it was her way of telling you that you were on the Second String and she was trying to find out if she could trade you for the Proverbial "Player to be named later". How did that make you feel, really, deep down? Again take what I say with a grain of salt, but please reconsider any engagement with this person.

 

 

You are only 1 small "disagreement" away from disaster and perhaps another "discovery" down the road...so I hope she is worth it, because it will probably happen again, around the time she tells you she is feeling "trapped"

 

Good Luck.

 

In a cheaters mind whether consciously or subconsciously, she has lost respect for you for taking her back even after you found out about at least the two guys.

That is how most are wired, sorry.

[Diezel]

All I can add to this conversation is... get a pre-nup.

[smackie9]

 

Alex, I will go with "What is a deal breaker for 500......"

[tom670]

 

Alex, I will go with "What is a deal breaker for 500......"