How do you know if you're in love?

[Ed]

I have been trying to decipher my feelings for a particular lady that I have been spending a lot of time with. We really enjoy each others company and just have a lot of fun together. I can tell that my feelings for her are growing stronger as time goes by.

 

My question is, how do you know that you "love" someone, as opposed to "just caring a whole lot"? Can anyone offer some comment on this?

[Tony T]

You are officially in love when you don't have to ask.

 

Meantime, you may experience a very close bond of caring and friendship which is actually a very healthy form of love, but not the kind that's so easily noticeable. However, this bond of close caring and friendship can be much better than the passionate love thing because it is based more on a rational, conscious decision rather than the chemicals which swirl around in our brain.

 

There are a lot of people who fall in love with people they have nothing in common with...and often don't even like. They are drawn to them chemically and when that chemistry fizzles out, it's all over. Just scroll down and read the posts. This site is filled with situations like that.

 

If you find someone for whom you have deep fondness, affection, respect, etc. and you feel there is a basis for a longterm relationship where feelings can intensify over time, you have won the lottery, dude!!!

 

Oh, yes, I won't take away the fact that it feels really great to be passionately in love with someone. That lasts anywhere from a few months (sometimes less) to three or four years MAX. There are recorded observations of it lasting longer but those interviewed were not given a polygraph. But once those drug induced feelings are gone, you better have the basis for a very close friendship or it's all over with.

 

There is no better, stronger, real love than that of two people who have a deep respect and admiration for each other, who have a great deal in common, who love each other's company, who enjoy doing things together, who really look forward to hearing from each other, etc. That's a lot better situation than a lot of people have now who were once deeply "in love."

 

Again, I'm not cutting romantic, chemical love down but I don't think we should always evaluate relationships in terms of how dazed we are by cupid. The real thing is based in reality and you may be there very soon.

 

I don't care how you love somebody, when you do you simply don't have to ask. Maybe you're not quite there yet. Give it time.

[taughtmepatience]

If you have to ask, you are not in love!

 

Sounds like a beginning to a great relationship, though.

[the instigator]

I agree that if you have to ask, then you are more than likely not. I have been with the same person for the past eight years, married for four - and have been asking the question "am I in love" the whole time. The fact is that I never fell in love. I have all the aspects of the relationship Tony describes above. However, I never felt passion or desire for my husband, and I am still feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. You have to see how your feelings develop, you may feel the love you need. If you don't, you have to ask yourself if you are happy to live no feeling quite right, although you have a great friendship otherwise. If you can live with that, then that's good for you. Just make sure you "feel right", and if you don't, even if there is otherwise a great relationship, make sure you don't have regrets and do what "does feel right". I didn't do the right thing and am paying for it now. But I am about to end my marriage and follow my instincts at last. Best of luck.