Am I being used?

[LilAngel]

I started seeing my boyfriend almost a year and a half ago. He told me in the beginning he had a live-in girlfriend, but he said that he was very unhappy with her and that they both "went their own way." I did not want to cause any trouble, but he swore they were not really together in practice. I gave in and started seeing him on the side, agreeing to keep it a secret from her. (He claimed it would hurt her to know, even though they were not happy together.)

 

I fell in love with him, and he claimed he fell in love with me as well. His nights away from his home caused her to catch on, and soon she was very mad with me. I broke things off for a month, but eventually went back to seeing him because I missed him so much. Again, he swore they were not happy together and that I did not understand his situation.

 

For months this went around in circles - we saw each other, she found out, she was mad, he laid low, then we started seeing each other again. This started to wear on me, especially because he was the first man I slept with and I could not take him living with her anymore. I asked him to leave her.

 

He finally told her that he was no longer with her but was with me. He told her that she could still live with him, but would have to accept that he was with me. This upset me, but I tried to understand why he did not want to throw her out. Here is a short version of why he claimed he could not just "kick her to the curb" as he put it:

 

He met her after his wife left him, taking everything. She pulled him through a suicidal depression, and was there for him when he was so down and out that he was as poor as could be. She took care of him, cooked and cleaned and did everything she could for him. She basically rescued him. But then she became an alcoholic, and started wasting away. She would not work, and did not have any goals in life. He felt unhappy with his life with her, but felt as though he owed her so much for helping him. He says she is very fragile and that if he left her, she would fall apart and not be able to take care of herself and would return to her husband, who beats her terribly. He does not want to see that happen to her.

 

As I said, I tried to understand. But then he spent Christmas and New Years Eve with her. I broke up with him. A month later he begged me to understand, and we started seeing each other again. He promised he would make it up to me on Valentines day.

 

Valentines day came and he told me he had to spend it with her! He said that if he spent it with me, he would have to go home to an angry drunk who would start attacking him and the neighbors would call the police and he just did not want to deal with that. I was so upset, especially because the day before she had found my email address and sent me a VERY mean email telling me how I ruined her life, that I had ruined their love for each other, and that I was such an evil person. I was especially upset that he spent Valentines day with her because he had read the email, knew the terrible things she said about me in it, and knew she sent it to me. (She has also physically attacked me at least 3 times.)

 

I do not know what to do anymore. I have not gone out on a date with him since before Valentines day because I am so upset. When we were going out, we have to hide from her, even though she "knows" because she gets so mad she gets violent. I cannot go to his apartment, or call him at his apartment. When we are out together, she finds out where we are by calling the place and we have to leave before she gets there! The night he proposed to me in front of everyone at a local place, she called and we had to flee! I keep asking him why he cant just move out, but he says he doesnt have the money right now. So I ask why he cant give her a few weeks notice to leave, but he goes back to the whole "she will just go to her ex-husband who will beat the crap out of her and I feel like I owe her so much that I cant see that happen." He tells me that if I move in with him, he will leave her. I do not want to do that because it is against my beliefs (which I all ready sacrificed by sleeping with him but have put a stop to and told him I dont want to do that anymore until I am married. He is cool with that and does not give me a hard time about. He just pressures me to marry him very soon! He proposed to me twice, but I dont feel like our situation is healthy enough to enter into a serious engagement. I feel he should leave her completely before we are engaged.)

 

Is this man using me? He says he loves me, but his actions make me feel otherwise. I am starting to wonder if he ever loved me at all and it breaks my heart.

[whichwayisup]

Think it is time to see this guy for what he is...Just really selfish and he's loving all the attention...Keeping you and having to live with his girlfriend.

 

He isn't worth the heartache and if you really DO love him, break it off with him completely, tell him to call you when she moves out and they breakup. When/if that time comes then casually date him - No sex - because he'll need some time to get over his girlfriend. One can't just jump into one relationship after ending one. Just isn't fair to anybody involved.

 

I know it will be hard on you, but do this for YOU. He is not putting you and your feelings first so why worry so much about his?

 

Keep busy, take it day by day. Broken hearts hurt like heck, but in time they mend.

 

Hang in there and keep posting!

[d'Arthez]

He gives empty promises, keeps returning to his gf, and even gives excuses implying the gf for Valentines day.

He uses his current gf for all the benefits, and the moment he is done with receiving benefits from her, he professes he wants to break up with her. He does not do so. Time and time again, he has admitted he preferred the relationship with her for some reason or another.

 

I really doubt if he even loves you. I cannot understand why he wants to marry so quickly. He has already had one disastrous marriage. Unless of course it was an attempt to get you to have sex with him again. The same is true with the moving in deal.

 

The best thing for you would be to get out of this 'relationship' as soon as possible.

[Guest]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

He gives empty promises, keeps returning to his gf, and even gives excuses implying the gf for Valentines day.

He uses his current gf for all the benefits, and the moment he is done with receiving benefits from her, he professes he wants to break up with her. He does not do so. Time and time again, he has admitted he preferred the relationship with her for some reason or another.

 

I really doubt if he even loves you. I cannot understand why he wants to marry so quickly. He has already had one disastrous marriage. Unless of course it was an attempt to get you to have sex with him again. The same is true with the moving in deal.

 

The best thing for you would be to get out of this 'relationship' as soon as possible.

 

I Agree with d'Arthez here.

 

He says he loves me, but his actions make me feel otherwise.

Trust your intuition as it is your very best friend right now and one of the few truthful voices around you.

 

 

For months this went around in circles - we saw each other, she found out, she was mad, he laid low, then we started seeing each other again.

Your 'boyfriend' and his girlfriend have invited you to their dysfunctional dance. If you step back for a moment and look at their behaviour patterns from the standpoint of an uninvolved observer, you will see it clearly. Have other acquaintances made any interesting comments about this pair? If so, listen closely as the truth will reveal itself in their comments.

 

 

Valentines day came and he told me he had to spend it with her! He said that if he spent it with me, he would have to go home to an angry drunk who would start attacking him and the neighbors would call the police and he just did not want to deal with that.

 

Oh boy, now here is a really compelling reason to stay with and hold on to someone. Is he addicted to drama? Is she? It sure does appear that way.

 

There is no real reason, only excuses, why an unmarried, non-family pair of adults simply must live together. Is the property they live in one they own together, legally and jointly? Then the one that leaves can either sell or rent their share.

 

 

He met her after his wife left him, taking everything. She pulled him through a suicidal depression, and was there for him when he was so down and out that he was as poor as could be. She took care of him, cooked and cleaned and did everything she could for him. She basically rescued him. But then she became an alcoholic, and started wasting away. She would not work, and did not have any goals in life. He felt unhappy with his life with her, but felt as though he owed her so much for helping him. He says she is very fragile and that if he left her, she would fall apart and not be able to take care of herself and would return to her husband, who beats her terribly. He does not want to see that happen to her.

 

I seriously doubt she suddenly and magically became an alcoholic once he recovered. Abusive ex-husband too? Interesting...

 

This portion of his tale makes them both sound like broken-down losers. Is there any part of his or her life that actually works?

 

These two are about as happy as any two peas-in-a-dysfunctional-pod could be! They will be together and miserable together forever. Sure they may pull in the odd person or two here-and-there just to spice things up a bit but have no doubt these two are addicted to the trauma-drama they call their life together!

[LilAngel]

Originally posted by Guest

 

I seriously doubt she suddenly and magically became an alcoholic once he recovered. Abusive ex-husband too? Interesting...

 

This portion of his tale makes them both sound like broken-down losers. Is there any part of his or her life that actually works?

 

The thing is, he never really "recovered." Instead he started spending his life sitting in bars, drinking, and getting in fights. I have even heard rumors that he has done hard drugs, like cocaine. He IS a VERY broken down man, and I knew that when I first met him. But for some reason I also saw something in him - I saw someone very broken who if they could just pull themself back together, could go so far in life. I am usually not attracted to "fixer uppers", but he had my heart from the beginning in some unexplainable way.

 

That is part of the reason I do not understand his wanting to stay with her rather than be with me. She drags him down big time. Even some of his business aquaintances who are very successful people in life have told her to get out of his life because she pulls him down and they ALL tell him that he is CRAZY if he looses me. I have never pulled him down like her. I graduated at the top of my class in 2003 from college, I am going for my doctoral degree to be a professor, I am very much into cultural events and basically believe in persuing a meaningful, extraordinary life with goals. I come from a decent family and I am very attractive. He loves to "show me off" as he calls it to his friends. She is almost 50 years old - WAY older than me by over 20 years! He is 38 years old. She is completely wasted away from alcohol and hard drugs, her body is so skinny, she seems to have some sort of problem because when she talks she shakes in nervous twitches, and she has no goals in life at all except to drink and sit around smoking cigarettes. I am not trying to pick on her because I know that what is outside does not define what is in the heart, yet these are compelling comparisons that I cannot get out of my mind.

 

I got behind him big time - I would send him little text messages on his phone while he was at work, telling how much I believed in him and little things like that. I tried to tell him he deserved more in life, and could have the life he once had back. (He used to be rather successful and had a nice home and such before his ex-wife took it all. Now he is extremely poor.) He even tried to go back to his old job, and was re-hired! He started working there, in a major city about an hour from here, and I hoped that he would try to change the quality of his life. He told his ex-girlfriend that he and I were moving to that city to be together once he got established there, and the company even put him up in a hotel so he did not have to commute! I packed up enough things for a month and went to stay there with him in the hotel, but the second night I was there he got drunk and started yelling at me in the middle of Arby's. The police showed up and asked him to leave the premises and asked me if I wanted to press charges! Sufficit to say, I was very upset with him because I do NOT come from a place where that kind of behavior is acceptable at all. So I left and would not go back for a few weeks - he ended up quitting and going back home to his ex-girlfriend. He says she has "heart" because she puts up with him. He says I dont because I remind him of his ex-wife who divorced him. (She wouldn't take anything from him.) I am wondering if what he really wants is a brainless doormat who will let him walk all over them.

[Guest]

Originally posted by LilAngel

The thing is, he never really "recovered." Instead he started spending his life sitting in bars, drinking, and getting in fights. I have even heard rumors that he has done hard drugs, like cocaine. He IS a VERY broken down man, and I knew that when I first met him. But for some reason I also saw something in him - I saw someone very broken who if they could just pull themself back together, could go so far in life. I am usually not attracted to "fixer uppers", but he had my heart from the beginning in some unexplainable way.

 

That is part of the reason I do not understand his wanting to stay with her rather than be with me. She drags him down big time. Even some of his business aquaintances who are very successful people in life have told her to get out of his life because she pulls him down and they ALL tell him that he is CRAZY if he looses me. I have never pulled him down like her. I graduated at the top of my class in 2003 from college, I am going for my doctoral degree to be a professor, I am very much into cultural events and basically believe in persuing a meaningful, extraordinary life with goals. I come from a decent family and I am very attractive. He loves to "show me off" as he calls it to his friends. She is almost 50 years old - WAY older than me by over 20 years! He is 38 years old. She is completely wasted away from alcohol and hard drugs, her body is so skinny, she seems to have some sort of problem because when she talks she shakes in nervous twitches, and she has no goals in life at all except to drink and sit around smoking cigarettes. I am not trying to pick on her because I know that what is outside does not define what is in the heart, yet these are compelling comparisons that I cannot get out of my mind.

 

You are trying to rescue him. Only problem is he doesn't want to be rescued!

 

 

Originally posted by LilAngel

I got behind him big time - I would send him little text messages on his phone while he was at work, telling how much I believed in him and little things like that. I tried to tell him he deserved more in life, and could have the life he once had back. (He used to be rather successful and had a nice home and such before his ex-wife took it all. Now he is extremely poor.) He even tried to go back to his old job, and was re-hired! He started working there, in a major city about an hour from here, and I hoped that he would try to change the quality of his life. He told his ex-girlfriend that he and I were moving to that city to be together once he got established there, and the company even put him up in a hotel so he did not have to commute! I packed up enough things for a month and went to stay there with him in the hotel, but the second night I was there he got drunk and started yelling at me in the middle of Arby's. The police showed up and asked him to leave the premises and asked me if I wanted to press charges! Sufficit to say, I was very upset with him because I do NOT come from a place where that kind of behavior is acceptable at all. So I left and would not go back for a few weeks - he ended up quitting and going back home to his ex-girlfriend.

 

Your attempts to rescue him did make a difference for a little while. The reason it didn't stick was because of him NOT you. He doesn't see himself any longer as the fellow he used to be. His identity is firmly stuck in his role as broken-down drunk and druggie. You changed his mind for a little while but he couldn't hold it. The only way he is going to change is from inside-out, not outside-in. Decent job, regular routine , and talk therapy (big time!) are his keys to the way out. Unfortunately, having a girlfriend who is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of his league isn't what he needs to change.

 

Originally posted by LilAngel

He says she has "heart" because she puts up with him. He says I dont because I remind him of his ex-wife who divorced him. (She wouldn't take anything from him.) I am wondering if what he really wants is a brainless doormat who will let him walk all over them.

 

She allows him to be the broken man he is. Why would she want him to be better than her? He doesn't want to be better; she doesn't want to be better. They are as I said before, "two peas-in-a-dysfunctional-pod" until one of them chooses that he/she wants out.

 

He will not be fully comfortable with you as he realises you are out of his league. In a way, I am cheered by that because it frees you to move on to a man who is more suited for you. Let's face it -- you have prospects, opportunities and dreams that that are unimaginable for a guy in his current circumstances. That has to make him a bit uncomfortable deep inside no matter how much he likes to show you off to the outside world.

 

Brainless doormat? Nahhhhhhhhhhhh He wants someone just like him (meaning the way he sees himself).

[d'Arthez]

OMG! I had originally expected that you were a few years younger than you are.

 

The thing is LilAngel, there is nothing that you can do to convince the man to change his ways. You have tried, and tried and tried. Whatever bond of misery they have formed over the years, it is a strong bond. These bonds are oftentimes stronger than marriage itself. You were unable to break these bonds, although you did your best. Probably the bond will last until either he or gf dies ...

 

But why put up with this apalling behavior? Even put yourself in all the situations, with the hurt et cetera?

 

You may see something good, something special in the man. But he is wasting his talents and his good traits, and he prefers it to over healing himself and getting his act together. I know it is hard to accept that basically you were some side-dish to him. But you were.

 

I would advice you to move on from this drama. You are one intelligent woman, with great prospect and great career ahead of her. Women like that are a rarity, but are certainly in the position to reasonably have high demands on a future partner.

[newby]

he is playing you off against each other. why does he have to tell her so much about you? theres no reason to tell her everything is there and if he had real compassion for her he wouldnt do so. he tells her because he thinks it makes him look better in your eyes that she cant leave him alone and will even fight you for him.

i agree with d'Arthez that he is proposing to you in an attempt to have sex with you again.

you really do sound like you have such a lot going for you, this loser doesnt deserve you.

he might have problems and yes he may have potential as a person, who doesnt? the thing is its okay to help somebody if its not compromising oneself and this situation is detrimental to you, in many ways. he has to want to better himself, he is being lazy and the more people are willing to put up with him the lazier he will become. some people are truly grateful for help and will use it to pull themselves up whereas others would prefer to drag everybody else down. he is comfortable with this (ex?) girlfriend of his because he doesnt have to do any work, he is trying to drag you down so he doesnt have to do any work either. it makes him feel better if there arent successful ambitious people around him.

he may well have feelings for you but he is extremely selfish and will keep pulling you down. he will succeed in pulling you down because it is easier to pull somebody down than it is to pull somebody up. you will look around in 10 years time wondering what happened to your dreams. go on with your bright and hopeful life. he has to help himself. this isnt about you and him. it is about YOU and it is about HIM.

leave him to realise for himself. he has so many excuses for everything. he is criticising you saying you are like his ex wife, making it seem a bad thing so you do not leave him like she did. he is saying this other woman is not like that, she is not trying to better her life and is willing to put up with him, trying to compare you to her so you think it is better to be like she is.

dont let someone manipulate you into compromising yourself. you have too much going for you.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by LilAngel

Is this man using me?

Yes! and he is using his live-in g/f also. Good luck

[tiredofbeingtheother]

Yes i think he is using you. he is also making you go against your beliefs by sleeping with him. plus the gf sounds scary! i wouldnt want someone like that after me. what if she really hurts you? he says he doesnt want her to go back to an abusive relationship. so i guess that means he is willing to stay in one to keep her out of it? im sorry that your in this mess and hope you get out ok. [font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]

[CaughtUp]

This sounds similar to a situation I had to dislodge myself from here in the last few months.

 

The guy asked me out. We go out I tell him about my life almost completely (I'm it was a first date but I was pretty open) then I find out guess what he is married (for you guys that know me on here this is another guy...yeah I think I'm wearing a sign or something) but anyhow I stuck around for a few months because 1. he told me she was leaving and 2. Still trying to get over the MM I'm in love with.

 

So this goes on she's still there, then she starts calling my cell phone, and he has some hard luck story why he can't kick her out blah blah blah she's still there and it just kept going and going and finally (THANK GOD I wasn't in love with this guy) I said you know it seems you and your W have somethings to workout and I need to step back and he begs and pleads and tells me she is going to be leaving regardless to the fact if he and I stayed together and that that is going to happen but will take time because he didn't want to lose his house and land to her ___________ I still see them riding around together and it was like he enjoyed the drama and I'm like loooookkkkk I don't want any part of this redneck love story crap you have going on. Leave me out of it. I don't need to be attacted while I'm out having a good time, or have your W calling me threatening me, or driving by my work doing monkey dances and making faces at me (yeah she did that...so...mature ) I just cut him off with out a thought after all that.

[lynnered]

This is like some Jerry Springer drama !!!

I would change my tn ,email ,address if you can.

Stay away from him you owe him no explanation.

You are not his mother ,you are not responsible for him ,if he wants his life filled with all this childish drama ,let him have without you .

 

 

 

 

 

 

fortune knocks only once,

but misfortune has much more patience.

Dr Laurence J Peter

[LilAngel]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and encouragement. It really is helpful to hear from other people what they think. It is just SO HARD to get him out of my heart, and it kills to think he prefers a life of misery to a meaningful one. I cannot understand it...and I don't understand why he refuses to get his own place but says that if I will move in with him he will move out of living with her!

 

He has even called me late at night before and told me to come to his place and spend the night - that he would dead-bolt the front door so she couldn't get in when she gets home! (I said "no way!") It is like the moment he has no one there, he completely freaks out and cannot stand to be alone! He has called me from work and said, "lets go get married today!" I think it is rediculous and say, "so our honeymoon will be spent trying to tell your ex-girlfriend why she has to move out - because we got married?"

 

When he is drunk, he has even said things like "I wish both of you could live with me." WHAT???

[d'Arthez]

It's hard to understand the laws of misery. They do exist. You have tried your best to break his misery, but you probably could not succeed.

 

You know from a logical point of view what he says does not make any sense. You'd better move on, and find a man who deserves you. Very few do.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

It's hard to understand the laws of misery. They do exist. You have tried your best to break his misery, but you probably could not succeed.

 

You know from a logical point of view what he says does not make any sense. You'd better move on, and find a man who deserves you. Very few do.

 

Great thoughts. I totally agree. The laws of misery can hardly be understood. Clearly, even MM don't understand them, which is what gets them into the situations in the first place....