Passive agressive

[dumbass2]

If you recognize that you had the issue in the your last relationship and you understand why and have talked to people about it, can you get over it?

 

I really liked this woman (40+yr old) and did love her. I think maybe I also was a little insecure with her because of her past and some of her actions.

 

I think the issue I had in that relationship was that she had issues that got to the point where I just became too understanding and didn't want to add to the drama. Neither one of us communicated very well the last few months. If she was upset at something she would just not answer my call or be slow to reply on text and change from calling me a pet name to just my name.

 

The very first time she got upset at something I did (which I had no idea I did anything wrong) she didn't call me the next morning as she did every day for the first 2 months and she didn't return my calls or text all day. I even left one message that said I was really worried about her and to please call me right away, because this wasn't like her. I didn't get a call until that evening and she was like nothing was wrong and when I asked her why no communication, she asked me if I thought I did anything wrong. That is usually the way she handled things going forward.

 

I know I put up with too much and vow to not be so tolerant in my next relationship. Is that easier said than done or because I recognize my issues, I will be able to change the way I handle things.

[54JA]

If you recognize that you had the issue in the your last relationship and you understand why and have talked to people about it, can you get over it?

 

Are you trying to get over her? Or trying to prevent the same thing from happening in your new relationship?

 

 

I think the issue I had in that relationship was that she had issues that got to the point where I just became too understanding and didn't want to add to the drama. Neither one of us communicated very well the last few months. If she was upset at something she would just not answer my call or be slow to reply on text and change from calling me a pet name to just my name.

 

Yeah, I agree. This is passive aggressive...

 

 

I know I put up with too much and vow to not be so tolerant in my next relationship. Is that easier said than done or because I recognize my issues, I will be able to change the way I handle things.

 

I think in your new relationship, when things are going well, you can talk to your girl about how you want her to tell you exactly what she wants you to do. I don't think it's about you being less tolerant, but letting her know that you need her to communicate clearly and not use attitude as a sign of something is wrong. I read about the importance of using the "I" message to communicate needs and conflicts. You can look up (may be together with your new girl friend) the "I" message and why it's important in good communication.

 

But you are right through. You have been tolerant/very understanding, but I am glad that you got out of it. She was 40 and was still acting like a young girl. I used to shut my ex out, said nothing was wrong, and gave him the cold shoulder whenever I felt upset with him. What I should have done instead was clearly tell him what I needed him to do about it. With my current boyfriend, I do just that. I tell him "when you do XXX, it makes me feel YYY. So I need you to XXX next time." That's it! End! Easy! Giving concrete idea about what I need him to do/not to do helps my boyfriend feel he can do something about the problem we are having. It has been very helpful.

[dumbass2]

I think in your new relationship, when things are going well, you can talk to your girl about how you want her to tell you exactly what she wants you to do. I don't think it's about you being less tolerant, but letting her know that you need her to communicate clearly and not use attitude as a sign of something is wrong. I read about the importance of using the "I" message to communicate needs and conflicts. You can look up (may be together with your new girl friend) the "I" message and why it's important in good communication.

 

But you are right through. You have been tolerant/very understanding, but I am glad that you got out of it. She was 40 and was still acting like a young girl. I used to shut my ex out, said nothing was wrong, and gave him the cold shoulder whenever I felt upset with him. What I should have done instead was clearly tell him what I needed him to do about it. With my current boyfriend, I do just that. I tell him "when you do XXX, it makes me feel YYY. So I need you to XXX next time." That's it! End! Easy! Giving concrete idea about what I need him to do/not to do helps my boyfriend feel he can do something about the problem we are having. It has been very helpful.

 

"Are you trying to get over her? Or trying to prevent the same thing from happening in your new relationship? " Yes and yes. I really liked/loved her, but I hadn't been in a relationship in a while and was poor at communicating my feelings a lot of the time as was she. Now I can look back and see where I needed to improve. Sometimes you can't look at things objectively while you're still in the relationship. I do wish I had met her after having a little more recent experience in a relationship. I tell my self that things may work a lot better now, but she is starting to see someone else. At the same time I'm trying to learn and get over her. I think I'm getting close to the getting over part.

 

"Yeah, I agree. This is passive aggressive..."

Are you saying that her actions were passive aggressive? The not picking up calls, answering text or returning them? I think maybe I was "passive" my self (I did start to care a lot less because of the drama and thought it was hopeless so maybe I didn't try as hard at the end), but I would never do those kinds of things to her if I was upset. I would still call and talk to her as normal and would come off as understanding to the issues, but I would keep things bottled up and try to deal with them internally or talk with friends. I guess she was more the "passive aggressive" because of her actions in dealing with issues? I wasn't passive outside of the relationship.

 

I am trying to figure what my main issue was (and I think I have a good idea now) so I hopefully learn from it moving forward. Was it more her than me? Did we just both have bad communication issues? I tell myself that in my next relationship that I would deal with xy and z in a different manner and that I will put my foot down more often (not being a jerk though). She did tell me at break up that things might have worked if I was more of a jerk. Maybe she needs a jerk and constant drama in her life.