I Cheated. She found out. I want her back.

[TribalE]

So, good feedback, all. Regarding the letter, I have purposefully made it drier than previous letters. I sent her a number of gushing overly regretful messages that were all about MY anguish and she said they were all selfish and just about MY pain. That I still didn't "get it."

 

I'm purposefully choosing a direct and dispassioned tone to demonstrate my growth. I'm also not ASKING for anything for myself. Nor am I over over-explaining why this all went down. Does any of that make sense?

 

And no, I will not call her "My Love."

[TribalE]

Oh, and the "sucks to rebuild" is a quote from her last letter to me. She said, "I just can't believe I need to rebuild and repair again. It sucks to be at this point again."

[TribalE]

I've done the laundry list of things I miss about her, and the "these are all the things we'll never do together if we give up now" messages.

 

I'm trying to show growth through restraint. She also thinks I'm super manipulative, so I don't want to giver her any reason to think I'm trying to convince her of anything.

[deathandtaxes]

I've done the laundry list of things I miss about her, and the "these are all the things we'll never do together if we give up now" messages.

 

I'm trying to show growth through restraint. She also thinks I'm super manipulative, so I don't want to giver her any reason to think I'm trying to convince her of anything.

 

 

 

Anything else you're going to do right now will be seen as trying to manipulate her into giving you a second chance.

 

 

She needs time to heal from you. A letter will just remind her of what you've done. She's already told you to eff off. For ****'s sake OP, now is the time to listen to her. No phone call. No text. No letter. She said leave her alone. SO LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

 

Maybe in the future you can have a conversation, but YOU don't need to worry about that right now.

[TribalE]

Ok...

 

And for the record, so ppl understand the whole scenario, I had broken it off with the OW a month before the whole thing was exposed with an email that said that she needed to go back to her H and that I was going to invest in my relationship and marry this woman. That all the lies and deceit were killing me.

 

OW printed THAT letter out and mailed it with a cover letter to my GF.

[CarrieT]

And for the record, so ppl understand the whole scenario, I had broken it off with the OW a month before the whole thing was exposed with an email that said that she needed to go back to her H and that I was going to invest in my relationship and marry this woman. That all the lies and deceit were killing me.

 

OW printed THAT letter out and mailed it with a cover letter to my GF.

 

Totally irrelevant information. As far as your ExGF is concerned, the timing makes to difference.

 

As far as all of us who are trying to help you are concerned, it has no bearing.

[TribalE]

And this is the feedback I got from another friend:

 

"So you spent the first... what? Six weeks? after she found out about the affair begging and pleading and stalking her so that she got increasingly angry and entrenched in her position. Six weeks later you want to present her with another letter. First off, why do you think she would read it at all?

 

Remember in Sex and the City Carrie had everything from Mr. Big sent straight to a locked folder that she didn't have the password to. This is absolutely something I would recommend to others in your ex's situation. Nor am I the only one who would.

 

If she does't do that, the first thing she thinks when she sees anything from you is going to be "oh no, more of the same." That's her FIRST IMPRESSION when she sees your name. Now whatever she reads is going to be tainted by that thought, more of the same."

[imfine]

As a woman who has stood in shoes very similar to your ex, I recommend leaving her alone. No apology, no nothing. There is nothing you can do to make her feel better. She's made it this far with no contact, just leave her alone.

[TribalE]

Imfine,

 

There's nothing your Ex could have done to reconcile?

[Standard-Fare]

OK, I didn't realize you were basically harassing her in the first six weeks, and she demanded that you leave her alone. That does change things.

 

However, I do think her wishing you a happy birthday was at least some kind of small positive sign. If she were stewing only in hatred and bitterness, she wouldn't have sent it.

 

It doesn't mean she wants to hear from you, it doesn't mean she's interested in getting back together. It means she's thinking of you. Of course she is. But probably just in a sad way.

 

I think wait a little more, then send her something short but very heartfelt. Start with something along the lines of: "I don't want to overstep my boundaries in sending this. I don't want to cause more pain or conflict. Please only read this if/when you feel ready."

 

And make sure that you're more clear about your desire to apologize to her in person, if she will ever allow you that chance.

 

But also allow yourself to accept that this may be a fight that you can't win.

[pteromom]

The thing is if you run back to her and beg her to come back now, she is only going to assume that you are feeling lonely and desperate.

 

I think it is ok to tell her how you have been improving yourself.

 

I also think it is admirable to explain to her that what you did had nothing to do with anything lacking in her, but that you were messed up.

 

I would go ahead and write her a letter. Not an email. A HANDwritten letter.

 

Start by apologizing honestly. Let your feelings flow, and just let it all out.

 

Take complete responsibility for your actions. Talk about how you were broken; why you think you had the affair.

 

Tell her that you are going to therapy and SA. Share with her some things you have learned about yourself and your behavior.

 

Tell her how much you regret your actions, and what a good thing you had with her.

 

Then end the letter by saying if she has questions or wants to talk to you, that you are available.

 

Then let it go.

 

If there is any part of her that wants to come back, she will reach out to you.

 

If she doesn't, at least you gave her some reassurance that your cheating had nothing to do with her. This will help her be more trusting and know what to look for in future relationships.

[lauri]

There is some good advice here for you.

 

After finding out she has told you to not contact her again / you were harassing her for 6 weeks, it does change my perspective on things. I was under the impression that you went NC w/o much explanation, w/o much fight or her telling you to go away. Do not attempt to get back with her or back into her life.

 

I know a lot of people are suggesting to not contact her at all, but I think you should still apologize to her. Judging by how she reached out to you saying happy birthday, I think she has given you the green light to communicate with her in some way...either write her a sincere letter or pick up that phone and call her. I reached out to my ex after 3 months of NC, mainly because I was suffering so much that I wanted her to apologize to me and realize what she did was wrong (not a good reason at all to break NC -but I did find my closure eventually).

 

For me, I would personally call because I feel that the person I hurt so much deserves to hear a real sincere apology. However, given the circumstances, I would give her a letter and let it be. She needs to realize that it wasn't her, she needs to understand that there is nothing wrong with her and that it was a mistake you've regretted every day. She deserves to have a sincere apology from you. This isn't an excuse for you to try to pry back into her life. Give her this apology letter and leave her alone - she needs to heal.

Edited August 22, 2014 by lauri

[imfine]

TribalE, The trust was gone. I felt robbed of the relationship I thought we had together. Had we been married, I would have owed it to our marriage to try to work things out. But we weren't & I had the gift finding out how little he respected our relationship & me before we married. I loved him (still do) with all of my heart so the hurt & anger was (is) almost unbearable at times. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk away. Even more to stay away. He practically stalked me for months & it just showed me he had no respect for my needs or wishes. It's hard to heal when someone continues to rip the stitches out of a painful wound. You've done a great job giving her space the last few weeks. Do you really want to risk putting her back to day one of healing?

Edited August 22, 2014 by imfine

[Standard-Fare]

TribalE, The trust was gone. I felt robbed of the relationship I thought we had together. Had we been married, I would have owed it to our marriage to try to work things out. But we weren't & I had the gift finding out how little he respected our relationship & me before we married. I loved him (still do) with all of my heart so the hurt & anger was (is) almost unbearable at times. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk away. Even more to stay away. He practically stalked me for months & it just showed me he had no respect for my needs or wishes. It's hard to heal when someone continues to rip the stitches out of a painful wound. You've done a great job giving her space the last few weeks. Do you really want to risk putting her back to day one of healing?

 

This is really fair, honest advice. And I do think most women would be on the same page. OP, your ex may still love you, miss you, but it's going to be very difficult if not impossible for her to get back with someone she knows she will never totally trust again. Once trust is torched in that way, it can't be repaired.

 

In your case it's especially bad the way she found out. I'm not saying the outcome would be any different if you yourself had broken the news, but at least she would see some shred of honesty there. The way things happened, it seems likely you'd have kept it a secret forever and she would have just lived that lie with you.

 

However, I do think it's worth putting yourself out there one final time in a really meaningful way before you put this to bed. Handwritten letter, genuine emotions, opening the door to meet in person if she so chooses. That's really all you can do. Your chances are slim but it's worth doing, IMO.

[TribalE]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I really can't stop thinking about her and beating myself up. We had an earthquake here in the Bay Area last night that woke me up. All I could think about was is she ok. But I didn't want to break NC by texting her in the middle of the night. Maybe I should have. Not sure.

 

I do know that these last few weeks have been weird. I wrote about it in a PS to my apology letter above, but I 99% won't include this in the message. It's a little too needy. But it's honest...

 

---------------

 

PS. These last few weeks have been especially weird… My Mom ended up in the ICU for 4 days after a heart attack. I almost had a massive car accident going 70 on the freeway (no I wasn’t texting!). Robin Williams killed himself. And then the earthquake… All these incidents made me realize in a different way how important YOU are to me. You’re the person I think of when I face ,y own mortality or that of my family, when I wonder if the big one is coming. "Is she ok? Did those photos above her bed fall and hurt her?" Just know that I love you and really wish I could make this all better. You are still the love of my life, no matter what terrible things I did out of sickness and selfishness. That’s why I showed you my childhood home, my grandmother’s beach house, introduced you to my extended family – all firsts for me. I knew you were the woman I wanted to spend my life with. And I knew I needed help. I’m getting that help now, and I wish you could see it, or accept it. If you ever decide that exploring forgiving is better for you than rebuilding, I would be honored to have that conversation with you. I already lined up David Richo (author of being “Being an Adult in a Relationship”) to do a weekend workshop with us if that day ever comes.

[loversquarrel]

Do not send that. The first sentence is manipulative and the rest sounds fake. Do yourself a favor and realize you have been defeated and now all you can do is LET HER FORGIVE YOU. LET HER DECIDE WHEN IT'S RIGHT FOR HER. Give her the power and stop trying to take it back from her.

[TribalE]

Ok, well here's the real apology letter. I'm going to handwrite it and leave it on her door on Tuesday... Final thoughts?

-----------------------

 

Dear _____,

 

Thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later. I also feel like you deserve a more formal apology.

 

I heard you when you said that it’s a real bummer to rebuild at this point. I didn’t expect to be in this situation either, even though it is entirely my doing. I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. When I think of what I did, I can still barely believe it. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I remain deeply sorry for hurting you in this way.

 

I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to respect your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to reconnect and minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth as a couple and caused you so much insecurity and pain.

 

Working with Greg (my therapist) and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know you must feel like you wasted your time with me. Like everything you thought was love was actually a lie. I can’t change how you feel at this point -- I can only be sorry for my actions, accept the consequences, and do the work to rid myself of these impulses.

 

I don’t need to tell you how much I miss my best friend, or how filled with remorse I am for having hurt you. I wish more than anything that I had done the work I’m doing on myself now long before we met and avoided this entire situation. Just know I am fully committed to healing the wounds in me that caused me to hurt the love of my life in this way.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you in person at some time, I would welcome that opportunity. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

[loversquarrel]

I am going to be blunt, please don't take it as an attack on you.... The letter idea sucks. This one is just as bad as the first, and i'm going to tell you why. She already thinks in her mind that you don't get it, and quite honestly I can see why.

 

There are several points to your letter that indicate a lack of responsibility, statements such as "I still barely believe what I did", and suggesting that "wounds in you caused you to hurt her" are ultimately going to reinforce the idea in her that you have not changed and still "don't get it." Stop trying to blame it on forces beyond your control, you will only come off sounding weak and disingenuous.

 

IMO I think you should drop the letter idea. Remember - once its in writing it's there for good and impossible to take back or change.

[lonewalker]

Ok, well here's the real apology letter. I'm going to handwrite it and leave it on her door on Tuesday... Final thoughts?

-----------------------

 

Dear _____,

 

Thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later. I also feel like you deserve a more formal apology.

 

I heard you when you said that it’s a real bummer to rebuild at this point. I didn’t expect to be in this situation either, even though it is entirely my doing. I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. When I think of what I did, I can still barely believe it. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I remain deeply sorry for hurting you in this way.

 

I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to respect your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to reconnect and minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth as a couple and caused you so much insecurity and pain.

 

Working with Greg (my therapist) and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know you must feel like you wasted your time with me. Like everything you thought was love was actually a lie. I can’t change how you feel at this point -- I can only be sorry for my actions, accept the consequences, and do the work to rid myself of these impulses.

 

I don’t need to tell you how much I miss my best friend, or how filled with remorse I am for having hurt you. I wish more than anything that I had done the work I’m doing on myself now long before we met and avoided this entire situation. Just know I am fully committed to healing the wounds in me that caused me to hurt the love of my life in this way.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you in person at some time, I would welcome that opportunity. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

 

 

Ok. I think the letter is fine. Just send.

[TribalE]

Uh oh. Conflicting advice... Other feedback?

[TribalE]

Loversquarrel: One thing to point out, in her email to me on my birthday, she said, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I know you have old emotional issues that plague you and led you to do this." Or something like that.

 

Yes, she's a very compassionate person...

[SycamoreCircle]

I think you should leave the woman alone. What's done is done. Not enough time has passed that you're a reformed cheater. All this is happening because someone told your secret. You say she's a compassionate person. Compassionate people are able to empathize with other people. Meaning she knows that you are suffering for your actions, that you're feeling sorry. Having the source of her pain phoning her and arriving on her doorstep mea culpa is not going to make her feel better. And I don't think it's a selfless act on your part.

 

A selfless act on your part? Accepting that you blew it and now you must live with it. Without demonstrations.

 

Sorry.

[loveboid]

Jesus Christ. Leave her alone.

 

You say she's compassionate as if that's a crack in her shield that is going to let you seep in like some kind of poison.

 

Compassion means she knows you did wrong, there's nothing she can do about it and she's accepted it happened. It does not mean she accepts you in her life.

 

If you contact her again I hope she calls the cops on you. I hope you send that letter so she can use it to support a restraining order.

 

GET A LIFE.

[TribalE]

Last post: Abusive behavior = not helpful.

 

Please take your aggressions out elsewhere.

 

Thanks.

[mightycpa]

I think you're missing two things from your letter. You forgot to mention in your letter that you want her to return to you, and you didn't exactly say that you are prepared for this to be your final goodbye.

 

I'm also sort of a fan of this comment:

 

The first sentence is manipulative and the rest sounds fake.

 

While it doesn't come across as quite fake to me, it does ring at least a little....scripted to say just the right things. Which, in fact, I'm sure it is, even if those things feel sincere.

 

You might want to skip the gory details of your remorse, and of your magnanimous attitude and get to the point. I would write your letter something like this:

 

Dear Matilda,

 

I'm writing to thank you for the message you sent me on my birthday. It meant the world to me to hear from you. My reply has been long in coming because I don't know exactly what to say. I have a million things to say to you, and I don't know how to say any of them, or how to decide which things are more important than the others. I've written this letter dozens of times, and none of my attempts seem right. So I will say just a couple of things very plainly.

 

I'm sorry for everything, and I'm doing the only things I know right now to begin to fix myself. I'm doing it for me, and I'm doing it for you. I'd love to tell you all about what I'm doing, and what I've learned. I have so much to be sorry for, and I have even more things to fix. But even if I were able to fix everything that is wrong with me, there's the one thing that I can't fix without you.

 

I need to be clear, so that you understand. I want you back in my life, the way we had planned before I screwed everything up. I want to spend my life making it up to you. I don't know if you've made any final decisions, but that's what I want. I'm willing to go fast or slow. I'm willing to do whatever it is you want, even if what you want doesn't include me. I owe that to you, but I also think that I owe it to myself to let you know where my heart is.

 

I know I don't deserve you, but I'm asking anyway. You don't even have to say no. Just keep doing what you're doing, and I'll both understand what you mean, and respect your choice until and unless I hear otherwise. There's no need to worry about what I might do next. Where you and I go from here is completely up to you.

 

 

Something like that. OP, I think you only get to do this once, because she may have a real hard time with this having already decided that you're history.