I Cheated. She found out. I want her back.

[CarrieT]

MightyCPA, this is a very nice letter.

 

Tribal - take some lessons from that one... If I received *your* letter, I'd still not want to see you.

[TribalE]

Thanks to you both for the great feedback. I will amend along those lines.

 

And yes, this letter has been totally sterilized... I'm trying not to make this about ME and what I want. I'm trying not to be too needy or overly emotional. And I'm definitely trying not to ASK for anything for me. She's mentioned in the past that my attempts at an apology were selfish at their core (I'm sorry...can we get back together). I think she wants to hear a sincere apology for hurting her, and that's it.

 

But I could be wrong.

[TribalE]

Question: So, why did you take out the whole apology part and make it more about how I'm fixing myself? That seems a little self-serving, no?

 

I've been told by a few trusted sources that I should try to make this mainly about ME owning and understanding what I did and how it hurt her, and making an unconditional apology.

 

Going on and on about how "I'm getting fixed" is more of the same "Hey, I'm sorry, but I'll be better soon..." stuff I gave her in the weeks right after the breakup, no?

[mightycpa]

This will be my last post for tonight. I'm not sure what you're doing here.

 

If you're attempting to get her back, then do it once, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If you just want to apologize, then don't bother. That's more for you than it is for her. If she wants you back, then she wants more than just an apology. That's not even a good start, IMO. After this lengthy silence, your intent is important, because I guarantee she is wondering where you stand. Your remorse and sincerity and the rest of it will be tested and assessed later. But if she's done with you, at best, she's indifferent, and at worst, you're just putting salt on her wound. Better that she just thinks you're a dick the rest of her life, or until she forgives you, or doesn't care.

[2sunny]

Question: So, why did you take out the whole apology part and make it more about how I'm fixing myself? That seems a little self-serving, no?

 

I've been told by a few trusted sources that I should try to make this mainly about ME owning and understanding what I did and how it hurt her, and making an unconditional apology.

 

Going on and on about how "I'm getting fixed" is more of the same "Hey, I'm sorry, but I'll be better soon..." stuff I gave her in the weeks right after the breakup, no?

 

But you have a motive and an agenda, right?

 

A true apology isn't tainted with an agenda. It's to hand the other person peace of mind. And under that umbrella quit making it about you and what work you're doing to improve yourself.

 

Is this part of your recovery program? Have you had experience in 12 step work?

 

It looks like your letter is sterile - sterile enough to have your agenda presented. That's not an apology - that's a manipulative tactic to try and get her back!

 

True amends might be that you simply leave her alone and learn not to harm others in your future! You've ruined what could have been. She won't trust you. You ruined that trust. Writing a letter doesn't earn her trust back.

 

The bottom line is - don't send the letter.

 

If and when you bump into her - simply state your apology and let her move forward.

 

You love her? Then leave her be.

[TribalE]

Ok, that's fair. Thanks for taking the time to write that message. I know it was no small effort.

[2sunny]

Ok, that's fair. Thanks for taking the time to write that message. I know it was no small effort.

 

Your still out of balance as long as you're handing her all your power. That's after reading your post #41.

 

Work on that - for yourself. Improve yourself so the next gal you date you don't cause her harm.

[Standard-Fare]

I didn't see much improvement from the first letter to the second. As I said before, something about it just comes across as hollow. It's lacking a genuine emotional core.

 

I know you said you deliberately "sterilized" it, but that's not really what you need. Sure, you have to avoid being needy/selfish/aggressive, but that doesn't mean you should remove all passion.

 

I really think you need to spend at least a few more days if not a couple weeks thinking about this. If you have to wake up in the middle of the night to write down a phrase that comes to your head, so be it. This needs to be REAL.

[TribalE]

I mainly changed the first and last two paragraphs.

 

---------------------

 

Hi,

 

I’m writing to thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message you sent on my birthday. It really meant the world to me to hear from you. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, and I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. There’s just so much I could say…but above all I think you deserve a more formal apology.

 

I heard you when you said that it’s a real bummer to rebuild at this point. I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I remain deeply sorry for hurting you in this way -- I think about it every day.

 

I’m also sorry for not respecting your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth as a couple and caused you so much pain and insecurity.

 

Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know you must feel like you wasted your time with me. Like everything you thought was love was actually a lie. I can’t change how you feel at this point -- I can only be sorry for my actions, accept the consequences, and do the work to fix myself and make sure this never happens again.

 

My silence over the last two months hasn’t been for lack of love or interest – it’s been out of respect for your request for space. I don’t need to tell you how much I miss my best friend. Maybe you don’t feel this way, but frankly, life was better when I could share it with you. Our laughs, our runs, our dinners. Obviously, things weren’t perfect, but they were starting to move in the right direction again.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you in person at some time, let me know. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

[imfine]

Sending the letter is selfish. You're going to reopen wounds for her & set her back in healing. But from what I can tell, none of this is about her anyways. Good luck.

[mightycpa]

Hey, I'm back. So, I'm just curious, what exactly is it that you're trying to accomplish with this note?

 

This is your "official apology", or something else? You never did clear that up.

[deathandtaxes]

TribalE, I really think you're writing this letter for yourself, and not for her at all. Write the letter, fold it up, and tuck it in a drawer somewhere you'll find a year or two for now. DO NOT send it to her. It's good you recognize some things about yourself, but this needs to be for you. This is a chapter that must and will close for you AND her to move forward.

 

 

ps - don't cheat next time

[TribalE]

Here's my motivation:

 

I love this woman. I want her to be the mother of my children. I ruined all that after I fell into a really dark place and had a sad and unfortunate affair. I became addicted to the lies and the deceit. It was a rush. It distracted me from the fact that I was severely depressed and needed to work on myself.

 

The affair has been over for 4.5 months, and my GF and I have been broken up for 3 months. I still love her, and I know she still loves me. This letter is to open up a line of communication that may eventually lead to reconciliation. She wrote me a very sweet note on my birthday (below), to which I only responded very briefly.

 

Her letter to me on my b-day:

 

Hey,

 

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you have been a rough time these past few months, just as I have. I hope you will be celebrating with friends or classmates. I’m heading up to Sacramento to celebrate with my dad - he turns 75 today.

 

I was telling myself I had let go of the things that happened with us, but surprisingly I’ve just been getting more angry about it lately. I guess I hadn’t had the time to really process it yet, given how busy I’ve been with work and school. I was in a really good place in my life when I met you... I had done so much work on myself and was ready to meet my life partner. But here I am, two years later, trying to repair and rebuild. So many steps backward. A bummer of a place to be in, to say the least.

 

I’m not even really sure what to say at this point, except that I do recognize that you have probably been going through a very rough time yourself and I don’t believe you ever intended to hurt me. I hope your work with your therapist has helped you understand how your actions affect those around you, the people who are loving you and trusting you. I realized a while back that I couldn’t make you understand how you hurt me -- I can only hope you are able to come to that realization yourself, and will remember it before making decisions to be deceitful in the future.

 

I also hope that your therapy work is helping you to resolve the things that have plagued you emotionally for much of your life. I still believe you have a good heart and I hope you are able to overcome those issues and coping behaviors that prevent you from loving yourself. You have a lot to offer the world and if you can find a way to let love in, I’m sure you can achieve anything you want in life.

 

I hope school and work are going well for you. May the coming year bring you peace and happiness.

 

- Me

[pteromom]

I like your letter. I am not a fan of the one blatantly asking her to come back. I don't believe you can ever apologize too many times.

 

If she wants to come back, she will continue communicating with you.

[CarrieT]

Tribal, when are you going to send it?

[TribalE]

In the next few days. The last time I proactively reached out was July 8. So it's been like 6 weeks. I was told to wait at least 30 days to let her cool off. She seems to have cooled some. I have no idea if she's dating again or what. She and I definitely had a level of compatibility neither one of us had ever come close to experiencing before. She's one of a kind, and what we had was one of a kind too.

 

I hope...

Edited August 25, 2014 by TribalE

[mightycpa]

This letter is to open up a line of communication that may eventually lead to reconciliation.

 

To me, that just seems so non-committal and vague, as does your letter. Maybe you're just from the midwest, that seems to be the norm out there. I'm from the east coast US, and I think we communicate differently.

[TribalE]

I'm from Philly, but I've lived in SF for 6 years, so maybe I'm averaging out to be a midwesterner.

 

How do you read this as non-committal? I'm trying to state that at long last I understand her and I respect what she's been through. I'm not trying to make some dramatic play to get her back in one letter. That seems like it just minimizes what a big f-ing deal this is... If anything positive comes of this, she will see that I'm not being a selfish dick anymore (well, no more than just sending a message at all is being selfish), and she says, "Thank you for the letter of apology." And then in a month, she says, "Hey, let's meet for coffee."

 

That's all I can hope for. I don't envision this being a FAST process. But I'm also unwilling to just let it die on the vine. Some people on here think that's selfish and terrible. I call it clarity about how I feel about this woman, and a willingness to own what I did wrong and learn from it.

[Standard-Fare]

Not quite sure why I'm taking the time to do this, but below I'm highlighting in bold the parts of your letter that should absolutely go or change.

 

Also, I feel like you strike much more of a genuine tone in this THREAD than in your letter. You might want to pull some stuff from it. For example, here?

 

I love this woman. I want her to be the mother of my children. I ruined all that after I fell into a really dark place and had a sad and unfortunate affair. I became addicted to the lies and the deceit. It was a rush. It distracted me from the fact that I was severely depressed and needed to work on myself.

 

 

 

---------------------

 

Hi,

 

I’m writing to thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message you sent on my birthday. It really meant the world to me to hear from you. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, and I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. There’s just so much I could say…but above all I think you deserve a more formal apology. [sounds like you're going through the motions.]

 

I heard you when you said that it’s a real bummer to rebuild at this point. [The word "bummer," even if she used it, minimizes things.] I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I remain deeply sorry for hurting you in this way -- I think about it every day.

 

I’m also sorry for not respecting your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth as a couple and caused you so much pain and insecurity.

 

Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know you must feel like you wasted your time with me. Like everything you thought was love was actually a lie. [Just sounds too rehearsed] I can’t change how you feel at this point -- I can only be sorry for my actions, accept the consequences, and do the work to fix myself and make sure this never happens again.

 

My silence over the last two months hasn’t been for lack of love or interest – it’s been out of respect for your request for space. I don’t need to tell you how much I miss my best friend. [Actually, yes you do] Maybe you don’t feel this way, but frankly, life was better when I could share it with you. Our laughs, our runs, our dinners. Obviously, things weren’t perfect, but they were starting to move in the right direction again.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you in person at some time, let me know. [Just not strong/hearteflt enough. You need something more like: "I'm hoping the day arrives when you can allow me to have an honest conversation in person about the way I feel about you, the progress I'm trying to make, and the future I still can't help but dream of for us. If that day never comes, I will have to accept that, but I won't stop hoping."] In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

[mightycpa]

I'm from Philly, but I've lived in SF for 6 years, so maybe I'm averaging out to be a midwesterner.

 

No, I don't think so.

 

How do you read this as non-committal? ...

 

I hear you, but what you wrote in your note just doesn't move me. I'm with SF:

 

Not quite sure why I'm taking the time to do this, but below I'm highlighting in bold the parts of your letter that should absolutely go or change.

 

Also, I feel like you strike much more of a genuine tone in this THREAD than in your letter. You might want to pull some stuff from it. For example, here?

 

I love this woman. I want her to be the mother of my children. I ruined all that after I fell into a really dark place and had a sad and unfortunate affair. I became addicted to the lies and the deceit. It was a rush. It distracted me from the fact that I was severely depressed and needed to work on myself.

 

You know why it is more genuine? Because it is unfiltered, direct and forthright. We know exactly what you want and how you feel. Your note sounds contrived.

 

You don't have to do it my way, although I see you did like a bit of it.

 

You know this woman, and we don't. I just think at some point, you're going to be the victim of NO CONTACT, and I'm a fan of saying what you mean, or not saying it at all.

 

Let us know what happens.

[TribalE]

I hear you both. I guess it's just that I sent her the gushing, dramatic, unfiltered messages two months ago and they only pissed her off. She thinks it's all just manipulation and selfish. I'm not sure how to strike a balance...

[mightycpa]

I hear you both. I guess it's just that I sent her the gushing, dramatic, unfiltered messages two months ago and they only pissed her off. She thinks it's all just manipulation and selfish. I'm not sure how to strike a balance...

 

Maybe you need to go talk to her then. Conversation is fluid where a note is not.

[serial muse]

I hear you both. I guess it's just that I sent her the gushing, dramatic, unfiltered messages two months ago and they only pissed her off. She thinks it's all just manipulation and selfish. I'm not sure how to strike a balance...

 

My guess is that different people are going to respond to different things. Speaking as someone who was cheated on, I actually found your note to be good in its essentials. I would trim some things out, though - see below.

 

If she hadn't emailed you on your birthday, I'd probably recommend that you just leave it alone altogether. But I agree that her note to you was generous and kind, and suggests she would be open to hearing your progress in therapy.

 

It's a fine line to walk between offering up a heartfelt apology and being self-serving in abasement. I disagree, personally, with those who are suggesting you tell her flat-out that you want her back. Based on her note to you, I don't think that's what she wants from you right now. She wants to know that you're in therapy, that you're not just doing whatever you can to "get" her but that you're really working on yourself regardless of what it means for your relationship. I can relate to that - what's trustworthy is not a bunch of promises and dark emotional longings, but a genuine willingness to do difficult self-introspection, even if it doesn't bring immediate emotional rewards. She thinks you're manipulative. So no, you don't want to say things designed to get her back.

 

You love her, you're willing to accept that this really is the end, you're offering her what she asked for (indirectly): Evidence that you "get it", that you know you need therapy and that you're learning.

 

Asking for anything for yourself - even a conversation to be had at a later date when "she's ready" - is what you need to cut out of this letter. An apology is just that - not a request. Say you're sorry, say how much you appreciated her note, and say that you do, at last, get it. (assuming that's true).

 

Don't make it long - five paragraphs is a bit self-indulgent. Minimize the adjectives and the gushing. You're right; you went overboard with that earlier and now it will probably come off as manipulative. Be mature. Don't say you want to apologize - just do it. In other words, trim the fat. It'll sound more sincere.

 

Overall, honestly, I thought your kind, detached tone was fine and right for the occasion. Here's my suggestion:

 

**

 

Hi,

 

I’m writing to thank you again for the kind message you sent on my birthday. It really meant the world to me.

 

My silence since then hasn’t been for lack of love or interest – it’s been out of respect for your request for space. I remain deeply sorry for hurting you -- I think about it every day. I’m also sorry for not respecting your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that caused you pain and insecurity.

 

Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know that there is no excuse for my cheating. I am so sorry for my actions, and I really am doing the work to fix myself and make sure I learn from this.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

[Missy0724]

Sorry - I don't mean to be rude...but if OP is asking all you people on here for advice on how to apologize, write a letter to someone you supposedly love and cheated on...There in lies the problem.

 

If you truly love someone and want them back, you would KNOW what to say, you wouldn't even question it, wonder should I call? Write a letter?

 

It's common sense. If you want someone back, you will do the WORK, take action. And if she yells at you, is angry, she has every right to be. If she tells you, leave me alone. YOU DO THAT. No questions asked. Give her some respect NOW. You broke her heart. You disrespected her and your bond, relationship. You destroyed the trust. That is gone. For now and for awhile into the future.

 

It is very difficult to recover and to trust again, after someone cheats. Trust in the cornerstone of a relationship.

 

Sorry, but you should have thought about that, before you cheated and about the consequences. Doesn't any one think about consequences anymore??? Or is that the world we live in now - I'm depressed, I'm insecure, so I'm going to to go get what I WANT, to ease MY pain. Very selfish... I don't know. Just so sad today, that people cannot be faithful, or tell their partner if they are tempted, feeling down, please help me... If you can't do that with your partner, you are with the WRONG PERSON.

 

Let go for now. Do what you need to do for YOU. Sounds like you are doing some work, that is good. But it should be for YOU, not for her, or to get her back, PROVE something to her. I saw this with an ex who cheated on his wife and it seemed all he doing was just to impress her, get her back. Wrong message, IMO.

 

Maybe in time, when she has processed things, if she thinks you are worth it, if she can forgive you - you guys can go to therapy together. That will be a MUST. If she won't - you will have to accept that. That what you did, has severe consequences. And hopefully you learned a lesson. For yourself, and for any future relationship.... Good luck. Didn't mean to sound harsh. But it just bothers me when people cheat and then "blame" it on other things, or other people, their past, their insecurities, etc. It was a CHOICE, plain and simple.

[lauri]

The key themes of your letter should be this:

 

- Your silence is not because you do not care, but because you needed to give her space. Admit you didn't understand how you were being so inconsiderate and selfish and if you were in her shoes you would have done the same.

- There is no one to blame but myself.. My insecurities and faults caused this, not you.

- I'm sorry for hurting you. I've been suffering everyday knowing what I've done - I'm not going to ask you for your forgiveness. This is what I deserve for ruining what happened between us.

- You understand if you two never speak again - you love her with all of your heart and you wanted her to know that you are truly sorry.

 

She deserves a real apology, don't send your letter to her until its full of passion, regret and honesty.