I have no trust in my partner

[joey7185565]

First off, its my first time posting and I know I will get blasted for this, but I cant help the way I feel. I am 4 months away from getting married and am feeling very anxious. Here is why:

 

She is an amazing woman (28 y/o im 29) and everything I ever wanted. I never had any reason not to trust or doubt her, but about 1 year into our relationship I noticed her phone would go off an awful lot while it was late around 1am. I ignored it and for weeks it kept happening with her saying it was her email notification. I didnt want to confront her too much and spoil what we had, so I looked to at her phone to see if any guys were texting her at that time the night before when it last happened. I scroll down through the list and I find that she has saved messages from her ex that she went to school with and continued to go to school with for the first 2 years of our relationship. He was her "first."

 

The messages were from the first 2 months of our relationship, but I know we discussed when the last time we spoke/saw our exes was on a few different occasions in conversation (brought up by both of us) and she always told me it was months prior to when we met and she never spoke to him after that aside from a hello in class.

 

I confronted her and she told me that she saved the messages out of pride because he never confessed to liking her as much as she did him and that she totally forgot about them. But my trust was never the same after that at all. I found myself snooping on her phone, facebook, email, and just being jealous constantly. However she never knew I was feeling this way outside of perhaps once that she caught me after our initial blow up.

 

But now at the bachelorette party she went to another state and I was thrilled that she went. However when I found out that her party had dinner with another group of guys my jealousy exploded. I couldnt take that I had been repressing this anger and mistrust for 3 years and it all came to a head.

 

It is now a few months before our wedding. She has never given me reason, outside of lying/forgetting about her saved messages and that she was still in contact with her ex. If she would have told me the truth from the get go I would never be a jealous maniac and say you cant speak to him because if our relationship is strong it would take care of itself. But I cant shake this 3 year hunch that something more happened with the guy who took her virginity a mere few months before we met (shouldnt matter, but for some reason it makes it that much worse that she lied about him to me)

 

But I now find myself in a rage. I am mad at her for spoiling what was such a beautiful relationship by lying and I feel like everything is tainted. I still want to marry her because I believe she will make a great mom and the great times outweigh the bad, but I am no longer confident in myself to repress these feelings of mistrust.

 

I do not want to call off the wedding, I dont want to hurt her, but at the same her lying to me on that one occasion, and I never found any other instance of her lying since, still hasnt left me. I know the typical responses are no trust, then get out. DO both of yourselves a favor, etc. But I just want to hear people's take on this story. I dont even really know where I am going with it because I love her, but I fight this mistrust constantly. It is not a daily struggle, but I would say several times a month for sure. I feel inadequate, she has lost all sex drive over the past few months (claims birth control is why, but it makes me feel even more suspicious), and I just weep, figuratively, at the fact that I will never trust the only woman I have ever or will ever love.

[54JA]

I wanna make sure I have this right. The text you found was from a long time ago, two months into your relationship (so almost 3 years ago?)? I wouldn't worry too much about it. From what I read, I got the impression that that was the last time she had any contact with him?

 

I would forgive her if that is the extent of "lying." I am not sure if she was even lying because it was a text. She did not speak to him or see him in person, which was the way you phrased the question. Sure, it's possible that she wanted to save that text at the time, but after almost 3 years, she probably just simply forgot to delete it. I have many random old texts from random people that I simply have not got around to delete.

 

About the bachelorette party... I wouldn't worry about it either. It's just customary to go "wild" and be a bit "bad" for the bride to be. I have heard of far less tasteful bachelor parties.

 

Is there anyway you can get a counseling or read a book about how to deal with the strong feelings you are having? I would hate for you to miss out on this great opportunity to be married to the woman you love over something that may be a non-issue (I really don't think you need to worry about it, unless she is still in contact with her ex). Good luck!

[joey7185565]

Thank you!

 

And to clarify I found the messages about 1 year into our relationship and its been 3 years since I found them (weve been together for 4 years total).

 

Again she claims that she never initiated the texts, he texted and she told him she was with me and didnt want to be with him (but I dont have the text messages). The ones she saved are the pining sobbing messages a guy has when its over a girl. She also told me they spoke at school where he tried one last time to get her back and she told him right after class then never said anything more than hi/bye or happy birthday.

 

What hurts is that I asked her to just be up front about when she last spoke to her exes and she said it had been months, but it was in fact during our relationship in the first 2 months. Even the simple happy birthday or hi/bye at school I am ok with it if you tell me that is what you are doing/did, but I cant stand that you tell me you have no contact them but continue to even at the most superficial level.

 

I am going to get counseling because I know this has as much to do with my insecurities as with her actions and I really love her. I just feel like a lie about this guy, someone she lost her virginity to no less which is very important to girls, has tainted our relationship in some way that I will never feel the same about it. But it ebbs and flows in that months go without me thinking about it, but then I think about it once and it crescendos.

 

BUt thank you again for the advice I do appreciate it and I believe she never nor will cheat on me. I just feel the lying about someone (forgetting according to her) is still a taint and a betrayal and I dont know why its not going away after 3 years of finding the messages and 4 years together.

[CarrieT]

Call off the wedding until you can deal with these issues. Go into Sherlock mode if you must and investigate: Install a key logger on her computer and put a voice-activiated device in her purse and/or car to determine if she is still communicating with anyone she shouldn't be.

 

Easier to postpone a nuptial then to go through a divorce later.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, I think you're making a MUCH bigger deal about this than need be.

 

The fact that you're STILL upset about some old pining text that happened over 3 years ago is just mental. I can understand if she strayed outside your relationship even once and MAYBE if the text were very sexual and explicit BUT to get your knickers in a twist over a few innocent text messages and then making her out to be some conspiring and deceitful woman is just wrong on so many levels.

 

You said yourself that she hasn't given you ANY reasons to doubt her love or fidelity apart from a few saved text messages from the dark ages so why are you making problems where there aren't any???

 

Saving text messages isn't unusual particularly for women and especially if they're ones that gush all kinds of pleasantries on our behalf. Hell, I have a few myself in my phone! Who hasn't at one time or another? Does that mean I still want to get back with my ex or get freaky in the back seat of his car one last time? Hell to the NO!

 

This is 100% YOUR issue not hers.

 

Get some therapy to help deal with your jealousy otherwise your marriage is doomed to be miserable however short of long it may be.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[joey7185565]

I totally agree. Its something she regrets, I just have never lied to her concerning another girl or an ex. The fact that she lied about having no contact with him, but was saving some of his texts the first 2 months of our relationship hasnt left me. The texts didnt even give me a single indication that she responded to him in some inappropriate way, but I didnt see any out going texts just his incoming ones that were saved. But then questions start, were there more? Did they hang out? If she felt the need to save them then she may of had feelings for him and they were at school together 3 days a week. Did something happen? etc. It sucks.

 

I dont think she has ever cheated on me, but since I caught her lying once I cant shake the feeling that something has happened or will happen.

I also know its my insecurity and my choice to stay with her which is why I am going to therapy to help me move past it. I love her, she loves me, I just dont want to not trust her anymore.

 

I guess i just needed to vent to some anonymous party because i am as angry at her lying in the past as I am about still being angry about it today.

[joey7185565]

Honestly, I think you're making a MUCH bigger deal about this than need be.

 

The fact that you're STILL upset about some old pining text that happened over 3 years ago is just mental. I can understand if she strayed outside your relationship even once and MAYBE if the text were very sexual and explicit BUT to get your knickers in a twist over a few innocent text messages and then making her out to be some conspiring and deceitful woman is just wrong on so many levels.

 

You said yourself that she hasn't given you ANY reasons to doubt her love or fidelity apart from a few saved text messages from the dark ages so why are you making problems where there aren't any???

 

Saving text messages isn't unusual particularly for women and especially if they're ones that gush all kinds of pleasantries on our behalf. Hell, I have a few myself in my phone! Who hasn't at one time or another? Does that mean I still want to get back with my ex or get freaky in the back seat of his car one last time? Hell to the NO!

 

This is 100% YOUR issue not hers.

 

Get some therapy to help deal with your jealousy otherwise your marriage is doomed to be miserable however short of long it may be.

 

Good luck.

 

So you have saved messages from an ex while dating a new guy? What do you think the reason was just to help me understand?

 

Thanks again

[d0nnivain]

You need to call off this wedding.

 

You 1st became suspicious of this woman 1 year into your relationship. At that point, you started snooping because her phone was going off late at night. What you found wasn't evidence of current cheating but was old messages & they made you crazy. From there you kept snooping but you never said you found anything in three years. Yet you are still upset & jealous.

 

If you haven't trusted her since 1 year into your relationship why on earth did you propose? That's just crazy to me.

 

Now she went out of state for a bachelorette party & while away the party had dinner with a group of guys. That fact has you out of your mind with rage & jealousy again.

 

You absolutely have to get yourself under control. You can't marry someone if you are still upset about garbage -- text messages that she didn't initiate that happened 4 years ago. Even if you didn't find them until a year later, that was still three years ago. Since then you have gotten engaged. If we asked her your FI would say that issue was dead & buried a long time ago.

The fact that you can't let go means you really should not marry at this point.

[mikethemechanic]

First off, its my first time posting and I know I will get blasted for this, but I cant help the way I feel. I am 4 months away from getting married and am feeling very anxious. Here is why:

 

She is an amazing woman (28 y/o im 29) and everything I ever wanted. I never had any reason not to trust or doubt her, but about 1 year into our relationship I noticed her phone would go off an awful lot while it was late around 1am. I ignored it and for weeks it kept happening with her saying it was her email notification. I didnt want to confront her too much and spoil what we had, so I looked to at her phone to see if any guys were texting her at that time the night before when it last happened. I scroll down through the list and I find that she has saved messages from her ex that she went to school with and continued to go to school with for the first 2 years of our relationship. He was her "first."

 

The messages were from the first 2 months of our relationship, but I know we discussed when the last time we spoke/saw our exes was on a few different occasions in conversation (brought up by both of us) and she always told me it was months prior to when we met and she never spoke to him after that aside from a hello in class.

 

I confronted her and she told me that she saved the messages out of pride because he never confessed to liking her as much as she did him and that she totally forgot about them. But my trust was never the same after that at all. I found myself snooping on her phone, facebook, email, and just being jealous constantly. However she never knew I was feeling this way outside of perhaps once that she caught me after our initial blow up.

 

But now at the bachelorette party she went to another state and I was thrilled that she went. However when I found out that her party had dinner with another group of guys my jealousy exploded. I couldnt take that I had been repressing this anger and mistrust for 3 years and it all came to a head.

 

It is now a few months before our wedding. She has never given me reason, outside of lying/forgetting about her saved messages and that she was still in contact with her ex. If she would have told me the truth from the get go I would never be a jealous maniac and say you cant speak to him because if our relationship is strong it would take care of itself. But I cant shake this 3 year hunch that something more happened with the guy who took her virginity a mere few months before we met (shouldnt matter, but for some reason it makes it that much worse that she lied about him to me)

 

But I now find myself in a rage. I am mad at her for spoiling what was such a beautiful relationship by lying and I feel like everything is tainted. I still want to marry her because I believe she will make a great mom and the great times outweigh the bad, but I am no longer confident in myself to repress these feelings of mistrust.

 

I do not want to call off the wedding, I dont want to hurt her, but at the same her lying to me on that one occasion, and I never found any other instance of her lying since, still hasnt left me. I know the typical responses are no trust, then get out. DO both of yourselves a favor, etc. But I just want to hear people's take on this story. I dont even really know where I am going with it because I love her, but I fight this mistrust constantly. It is not a daily struggle, but I would say several times a month for sure. I feel inadequate, she has lost all sex drive over the past few months (claims birth control is why, but it makes me feel even more suspicious), and I just weep, figuratively, at the fact that I will never trust the only woman I have ever or will ever love.

 

Sex with the ex... That adage never gets old because she might be over her ex but not the sex. Just because their relationship is over doesn't mean that they can't get it off. After all they know each other's bodies better than anyone else, it's fun and it's so damn easy.

[GemmaUK]

This was how many years ago that the texts happened?

I never bother deleting old texts.

 

Then at a batchelorette party they had dinner with some men.

 

You are in a rage about this?

 

She needs to get away from you.

 

Sounds to me like your insecurities are going to lead to you being controlling at least.

 

You can have control over your own emotions and really it seems that your own emotions are causing this rage you say you have.

[joey7185565]

This was how many years ago that the texts happened?

I never bother deleting old texts.

 

Then at a batchelorette party they had dinner with some men.

 

You are in a rage about this?

 

She needs to get away from you.

 

Sounds to me like your insecurities are going to lead to you being controlling at least.

 

You can have control over your own emotions and really it seems that your own emotions are causing this rage you say you have.

 

I agree with this. Thats is why I am going to counseling because I understand its my emotions based on an act that I should have moved on from a long time ago. I guess thats just my DNA, but im working on it and will continue to work on it.

[MissBee]

Honestly, I think you're making a MUCH bigger deal about this than need be.

 

The fact that you're STILL upset about some old pining text that happened over 3 years ago is just mental. I can understand if she strayed outside your relationship even once and MAYBE if the text were very sexual and explicit BUT to get your knickers in a twist over a few innocent text messages and then making her out to be some conspiring and deceitful woman is just wrong on so many levels.

 

You said yourself that she hasn't given you ANY reasons to doubt her love or fidelity apart from a few saved text messages from the dark ages so why are you making problems where there aren't any???

 

Saving text messages isn't unusual particularly for women and especially if they're ones that gush all kinds of pleasantries on our behalf. Hell, I have a few myself in my phone! Who hasn't at one time or another? Does that mean I still want to get back with my ex or get freaky in the back seat of his car one last time? Hell to the NO!

 

This is 100% YOUR issue not hers.

 

Get some therapy to help deal with your jealousy otherwise your marriage is doomed to be miserable however short of long it may be.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I have to agree.

 

I think your "jealous maniac" behavior is more so about you than her and something you have to work through and you all should postpone the wedding and get premarital counseling.

 

I also expected to hear she had cheated or you found sexting messages or some other huge sign of infidelity, but the fact that she had saved messages from her ex 2 months after you all started dating and this was 3/4 years ago and there hasn't been ANYTHING since makes it seem like you in your own jealousy and insecurity are making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don't think she ruined your relationship...I think you're the one heading that way.

 

When her phone was going off she said it was emails....you decided to snoop and based on what you said you didn't actually find that she had been messaging her ex currently or any new men, so I assume it really was just emails but you continued scrolling way back to history to find SAVED messages, i.e. something NOT current...and then began to get crazy. The fact that you snooped to begin with to see if it was guys texting her (and found out it wasn't) shows that you're mainly the one here who has the trust issues and it's not really because she is some kind of conniving cheat. Get premarital counseling and try to get beyond this, as things will only become worse when you're married if you're like this now.

[anika99]

I totally agree. Its something she regrets, I just have never lied to her concerning another girl or an ex. The fact that she lied about having no contact with him, but was saving some of his texts the first 2 months of our relationship hasnt left me. The texts didnt even give me a single indication that she responded to him in some inappropriate way, but I didnt see any out going texts just his incoming ones that were saved. But then questions start, were there more? Did they hang out? If she felt the need to save them then she may of had feelings for him and they were at school together 3 days a week. Did something happen? etc. It sucks.

 

I dont think she has ever cheated on me, but since I caught her lying once I cant shake the feeling that something has happened or will happen.

I also know its my insecurity and my choice to stay with her which is why I am going to therapy to help me move past it. I love her, she loves me, I just dont want to not trust her anymore.

 

I guess i just needed to vent to some anonymous party because i am as angry at her lying in the past as I am about still being angry about it today.

 

So you have never lied to her about an ex or another girl. What have you lied to her about? Lies are lies and if you're going to be this rigid and unforgiving of her lie then I hope you are holding yourself to the same high standards.

 

 

She was only 24 and had only been dating you for 2 months and it was 3 yrs ago. If she were my daughter and telling me this story I wouldn't want her to marry you and I'd tell her so. I know that sounds harsh but I would be very concerned about her getting hitched to someone who could be raging over this when it was so small and so many years ago.

 

 

I'm glad you are in counselling because you have to get a grip on this. If you go into your marriage this distrustful and this insecure you will destroy it. Can you at least postpone the wedding for a while?

[MissBee]

So you have saved messages from an ex while dating a new guy? What do you think the reason was just to help me understand?

 

Thanks again

 

I think your ideas and expectations are unrealistic.

 

Who starts dating someone new then goes into their phone, emails, computer, photo albums and starts deleting everything that happened with someone before??? Everyone has a past and it's silly to think that a woman is gonna go out of her way to erase all trace of it just because a new man comes into her life.

 

She had those messages saved before you...probably didn't even remember about them and I doubt every night goes back to read and reminisce. While I have deleted some emails from exes, if I had a nosy jealous bf who hacked into my email and was looking around into history, he'd find old emails from exes. Likewise, I don't delete text messages, from anyone. Not because I care about it as memorabilia but because I don't...so if a nosy bf dug around my phone he might find some old msgs from an ex or something.

 

To expect that people go out of their way to delete everything like that because they found someone else is silly IMO. Now question to you: what do YOU think is the reason she has it saved? Help me to understand how old saved messages mean anything if they aren't current messages or something ongoing?? What do you think it means? She reads these old save messages nightly and misses her ex? I mean...I'm trying to understand what your concern about OLD messages are?

[violet1]

I'm in agreement with those who state you should call off your engagement until you can resolve your trust and jealousy issues. Trust is so important in a relationship. If you can't trust her than unfortunately I don't see your marriage starting out well. Does she know that you are constantly snooping? Does she know you don't trust her? Jealousy is a natural feeling, but it will destroy every relationship that comes in it's path if it's not controlled. She should be able to have a girls weekend without you freaking out.

 

BTW, saving old letters and texts from your first isn't that uncommon. My husband has a box of old letters from high school girlfriends. He's not in contact with any of them. He stated that the letters are memories of when he was a teen. He doesn't read them or anything. They're just put away in a box. It's not a big deal. I hope seeing a therapist helps you to resolve your insecurities and I wish you the best!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I totally agree. Its something she regrets, I just have never lied to her concerning another girl or an ex. The fact that she lied about having no contact with him, but was saving some of his texts the first 2 months of our relationship hasnt left me. The texts didnt even give me a single indication that she responded to him in some inappropriate way, but I didnt see any out going texts just his incoming ones that were saved. But then questions start, were there more? Did they hang out? If she felt the need to save them then she may of had feelings for him and they were at school together 3 days a week. Did something happen? etc. It sucks.

 

I dont think she has ever cheated on me, but since I caught her lying once I cant shake the feeling that something has happened or will happen.

I also know its my insecurity and my choice to stay with her which is why I am going to therapy to help me move past it. I love her, she loves me, I just don't want to not trust her anymore.

 

I guess i just needed to vent to some anonymous party because i am as angry at her lying in the past as I am about still being angry about it today.

 

Here's a newsflash for you - we ALL lie at some point in our relationships, even the best of them! The sooner you get that through your head the better.

 

Now, there is a difference between the really BIG lies like she tells you she's going to pick up more beer and actually meets up with her ex for a romp in the alley way of a Piggley Wiggley and little white lies when she tells you she came hard last night when you sucked on her toes

 

See the difference?

 

EVERY relationship is sprinkled with hundreds of little white lies we tell each other to avoid unnecessary arguments, to save face in front of others or to spare someone’s feelings. I'm sure if you thought long and hard at your actions you'll see that even you have told a tale or two for at least one of the innocent reasons above.

 

Being 100% honest about EVERYTHING in your relationship is more fantasy than a reality. Great in theory but MUCH harder than it sounds and ESPECIALLY if you're with a partner who is known to be jealous, argumentative, hot tempered or who has trust issues.

 

Keep up your jealous ways and this will only perpetuate the "problem" of your woman telling you little white lies.

 

And to answer your question about WHY I kept a couple of text messages on my phone from an ex...well, that's simple...because it makes me feel good to read them. It reminds me that I meant something to another person no matter how it ended. It is more about ME than it ever is about the ex. Reading gushing emails or texts from ex's also feels a bit empowering if that makes any sense at all.

 

There's also a hint of sentimentality as well particularly if the other person was someone you had a decent run with, deeply cared for and especially loved at one point.

 

Having said that, saving EVERY email or text or voice mail from EVERY ex IS mental of course. I'm not talking about those people but saving one or two meaningful ones isn't that unusual and isn't something to worry about unless you have proof that your partner isn't over them yet.

 

THAT is a whole other story.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 23, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[CC12]

I am mad at her for spoiling what was such a beautiful relationship by lying and I feel like everything is tainted.

 

She didn't spoil it. You're spoiling it. If you hadn't found those text messages, you would have picked something else to blame your irrational jealousy on, like her having dinner with a group of people, some of them men. Your distrust started before you found those messages, when you thought she was lying about the email notifications.

 

I'm actually very surprised that in years of snooping, you haven't found any other minor misdeeds (or even completely normal, innocent interactions with men) to focus your jealousy on. That should tell you something - as hard as you're looking for it, you're not finding anything.

 

You should postpone the wedding. She has no idea that you feel this way? Then there are other fundamental problems besides your mistrust. You don't communicate with her how you're feeling, and you let it fester then you blow up. I know you don't want to hurt her by postponing or calling off the wedding, but these are huge issues that she deserves to know about before committing her life to someone who doesn't trust her. She'll be more hurt later on if these things don't get resolved and you end up blowing up at her over nothing. It would be even worse if things get to a point where she has to tiptoe around you and live her life worrying if every interaction with every man is going to upset you. That's no way to live. Don't put her through that. Fix it before marrying her.