For BS who "suspected", what was worse, DDay or the Insanity leading up to it?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

In my short life I've witnessed numerous instances of cheating from both sides of the spectrum; including close friends, family, my serially cheating former stepfather and unfortunately later myself.

 

What struck me as odd was how with my mother and in my own instance, DDay (or DDays I should say) wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot. There was never more calm in my household than right after my mom found out yep, he's taken up with his mistress again or that girl he got caught at lunch with by so and so with damn sure wasn't just a "client".

 

The begging for honesty, the temporarily comforting reassurances, the digging, the sleuthing, the outright stalking one goes through when they suspect a partner of being unfaithful has always seemed the worst to me. The chaos, uncertainty and constant suspicion your life plunges into runs so deep and so dark it's incredible. It invades your every thought.

 

When I finally found out, when I finally got MY answer, I wasn't even upset. In fact, more than anything I was relieved! How flipping twisted is that?? In the beginning I didn't have time to feel hurt or betrayed (at least not initially) because I was too busy feeling justified in my suspicions.

 

Even when it finally "hit me", while obviously devastated by the acts themselves, I feel like a lot of that was mitigated by basically having my sanity handed back to me. In the end, I was most hurt by the fact that he'd made me feel like I was going crazy. My mom recounts feeling similarly. Getting so caught up in the "I F*KING KNEW IT!" of it all the pain of the actual betrayal took a back seat for a time.

 

What say you BSs?

[preraph]

I was thinking something similar when I ready your post about your mom's present state of mind earlier. Once you find out the loved one isn't who you thought and hoped they were, then theoretically, it should make it easier to leave them behind. Like you said, it's the uncertainty that is so gut-wrenching. But even after you find out they didn't respect you enough to treat you right, sometimes just in order to try to be able to enjoy the good parts of the time together, you manufacture some excuse for their behavior.

 

Truth is no one is perfect. They're usually not all good or all bad. There'll be good times and bad times. But when they cross a boundary that makes it obvious they care more about a temporary thrill for themselves than they care about hurting someone they've been saying they love, the scale at that point just tilts too far on the bad side. But that doesn't always mean it wasn't good at one time.

[Raena]

Oh this is tough to answer.

 

Yes, I did feel quite a bit of calm and some relief that my suspicions were true on dday. I don't think the reality of it all really hit me until some time later though. The level of deception was so deep and had been going on for long enough that I felt like a complete fool.

 

Prior to dday, I was certainly very anxious about what was going on. I suspected it pretty much right away but didn't want to believe what I was seeing. This went on for quite some time before I was given a clue. That is when I really went into sleuth mode. It was debilitating. I didn't want to believe that he was doing this crap to me all over again, not after we had worked so hard to be together after he did it the first time. I wanted to believe him. I didn't want for it to be true. I didn't want to live like that anymore though. It started to drive me absolutely nuts... to the point where I was obsessively thinking and talking about it to him and in my journals and on here.

 

The day he decided to tell me I think I was more in shock than anything else. I had completely convinced myself that there wasn't anything going on with her or that if there was, that it was over. It wasn't just that he told me via text, it was his behavior online.. the things he said to her where I could see them, it was HER behavior as well.. the rubbing it in my face, the bragging about how he chose her, the nasty comments about me. THAT really hurt... it hurt more than the fact that he cheated.

 

So it's tough for me to say... I don't know which was worse.... the constant nagging doubt and sleuthing and yelling and heart racing episodes leading up to dday or the crappy way I was treated afterwards... the trickle truthing, the blatant disrespect for me to my face.

 

And to add to it... for the moment... they have split up. That almost makes it worse for me. I won't say that to him but really? He disrespected me, lied to me, treated me like crap, let her treat me like crap over and over again, encouraged her to do so, dragged our son into the middle of this by insisting he introduce her and her kids to him (which was a disaster) and THEN dumps her? and THEN has the nerve to tell me that he's glad she behaved like an idiot to me, screaming and yelling at me because only THEN did he know that she "wasn't the right girl for him". What about ME? What about our son? We weren't good enough to stick around for that he had to humiliate and hurt me and our child for some bozo that he couldn't even last 6 months with? SHE was worth destroying what we had for? Some girl he couldn't make it work with?

 

Yeah... the reality is... ALL of it sucks!!

[Elle1975]

I was most hurt by the fact that he'd made me feel like I was going crazy. My mom recounts feeling similarly. Getting so caught up in the "I F*KING KNEW IT!"

 

I totally agree with this statement. Being cheated on isn't fun, but having someone make you feel like you're a batsht crazy jealous wife is the worst.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I was thinking something similar when I ready your post about your mom's present state of mind earlier. Once you find out the loved one isn't who you thought and hoped they were, then theoretically, it should make it easier to leave them behind. Like you said, it's the uncertainty that is so gut-wrenching.

 

The worst part is the fact that my mom's recent 'breakdown' was over a guy who didn't put her through a QUARTER of the crap my stepdad did. My stepdad cheated and cheated so much and so recklessly that he had two illegitimate children (with different women) and STILL she stayed. I would've thought if someone was going to lose it THAT would be the tipping point. Not years later and over something comparatively mild.

 

 

 

But even after you find out they didn't respect you enough to treat you right, sometimes just in order to try to be able to enjoy the good parts of the time together, you manufacture some excuse for their behavior.

 

Truth is no one is perfect. They're usually not all good or all bad. There'll be good times and bad times. But when they cross a boundary that makes it obvious they care more about a temporary thrill for themselves than they care about hurting someone they've been saying they love, the scale at that point just tilts too far on the bad side. But that doesn't always mean it wasn't good at one time.

 

Absolutely agree with the bolded portion. And as far as the rest, while I fully agree here as well, that was kind of the point of my OP. I mean, we ALL know we deserve better and that someone choosing a - as you called it - temporarily thrill over us should very well mean the relationship must end but it seems sometimes all that knowldge is often well and truly pushed roughly aside by some sense of vindication. IME, the more "suspicious" (read: crazy, "jealous", spying, etc) the BS, the more likely they are to reconcile.

 

I'm starting to think it's because they're finally just relieved to have finally have the truth and see before them concrete a problem they can (try to?) fix rather than a sea of endless doubt and questions. Who knows, maybe it's just a family/regional thing.