How do I get him to trust me again or show him that I will do anything to work it out

[Crystalbaby]

Hello I am a military wife and my husband has been deployed a year and half now. He will be gone a total of two years. I am sad because I hurt him in the worste way and I am needing some advice. I went out sometime in November and I kissed my ex boyfriend. Well he actualy came up to me and kissed me and I kissed him back. I just told my husband about it scared that I might lose him. We have a daughter who is a year old. He has only seen her three times for short periods of time. I want everything to work out but he wants me to tell him why I need him and why I did it. I dont know why I did it. It just happened. I had been alone for a long time, I had been nothing but faithful to him since he left untill that day. I am so scared of losing him. He says that he wants to give me another chance but he puts me down and says the most awful things to me. I know I ruined his trust. I just was wondering if there would be any possible way to earn his trust back. He will be coming home in april for a visit. I just feel like the lowest person alive. I hurt him therfore I hurt myself and my family.

 

He asked what he did wrong and he did nothing he was always good to me but he has only been home for six months of our marraige and our two years anniversary just past. I dont know what to do and I dont know if I have lost him forever. Please help me. I would like any kind of response. Coments or help. Please? I would appriciate that so much.

[latesleeper]

Hi Crystalbaby,

I'm sorry to hear how much pain you're in, and your husband too.

I think you did right in telling your husband about it.

The fact that your husband isn't around a lot because of his job is a factor in what happened, and your loneliness. It doesn't excuse what you did, but it does show you what you need in your marriage/life.

Is it possible to make good friends with more women who can help with your loneliness when your husband is absent for a long time?

Did you try counselling to help you deal with your needs?

In the meantime, to help your husband get past his hurt and regain his trust, I think you need to be as honest with him as you can. Meaning to answer truthfully whatever he asks, and to show him, with your actions and behaviour that you are sorry for your mistake and lack of judgement and that you would never hurt him again. Don't just say it, but find some ways to show it.

And you have to be patient. I hope your husband is talking to you and telling you how he feels and you're both communicating? Keep the communication going. Tell him and show him that you love him.

I wish I had more concrete help and suggestions to give, but this is what I've got at the moment. I hope there are others who are wiser and have more useful suggestions.

Take care and hang in there.

[Crystalbaby]

Thank you for your insite. It helps a lot. Yes we are comunicating and I do love him and want him to trust me again. It is hard to show him how truly sorry I am when we can only comunicate with the phone or email. I am doing my best to help him get through this. I hurt knowing that I hurt him, I just wish I could take it all back. He makes me feel like we will get through this, then the next time we talk he makes me feel like ****. He tells me not to cry cause I am the one who did it. I try to tell him what he wants to know but I get hatred back. I want to know if things will get better and nobody can tell me that I just have to wait it out. I have a letter I wrote to him maybe it will help you understan more, Thanks again for your reply

 

Dear David, I love you very much I just want you to know that. You write to me and make me feel like we are going to get through this. Then you make me feel like we wont. David I love you and I am going to try my hardest to work this out with you. You tell me not to cry, but David this has hurt me too. Yeah it may not be the pain that you are feeling but it is still pain. I dont know what to tell you that I havnt told you before. David It wasnt like I was sitting here plaining on destoying our relationship and our love. What I did was not plained it just happened. Take this how you want, but this is all I can say. Ive tried to talk to you about it. You just want to grill me, I am hurt and I hurt cause of the mean things that you do say to me. You say that you being gone had nothing to do with it and you are right. You had nothing to do with it cause I didnt walk into that bar thinking that it was even going to happen. Nothing had anything to do with it. In your email you want me to tell you what it was that you did wrong. You didnt do nothing wrong and I am not about to point fingers. You were gone yeah and I missed you like crazy, but I know in my heart that it wasnt something planned it just happened, If I could take it back I would, but David I cant. I want to make things right with you again, but I feel that your not willing to. I have told you all I can do. Damn it David I have waited for you for a long ****ing time and I am still waiting for you. That night gave me no satisfaction, NONE! I know what I did was wrong. I just hope that you can learn to forgive me and put it past us so we can move on. I am expecting a bad letter from you in return but Ive realized that nothing is going to make it better or worse so here it is. I ****ing love you, your all I love and you are all I want to love. If you dont chose to be with me any more then I guess that is what I get. I cant do nothing about that. I wish I could just fix it but I cant. I believe that with time it can be fixed and I just hope that we will get that. David when I first fell in love with you I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I did not deliberatly hurt us. In fact I am actualy proud of myself cause I told him no and I pushed him away. I am not any way proud that I let it get as far as it did. I know sorry isnt going to make it better. I know what I did was wrong, I am willing to tough all the **** you throw at me because I love you and I want to make this work. If I could think of anything for the reason of what I did I would have to say because I was lonely and someone showed me affection. Thats all I can think that would have caused me to do what I did. I do know that you are the one I wanted the affection from, but I was caught off gaurd. I dont know. Get mad at me cause I know you will but David if you want this to work then help me too. I am not telling you to, I am asking you too. It is your choice and what choice you make will be the only answer I will get. If you want me to get the **** out of your life then I will. But I will not go until you want me too. I love you David, I just want to work this out. I want to be with you and I want to move on with our lives together. I guess this is all I really have to say. I love you!! I want to be with you. Love your wife, Crystal

 

The thing is I only kissed this guy back I didnt have sex with him and he is treating me like I did. I know I made a big mistake but I dont want to get lectured for something I didnt do.

[latesleeper]

Hi Crystal,

 

Gosh, it seems like there are other people here who would be better at giving comments, but looks like I may be the only one up, so I'll do my best.

 

I think it's great you're communicating. The thing is you're not together physically and it's hard to communicate everything when you're physically apart. Is it possible to have some couple time together? Or even go to a marriage counsellor because then for sure you will get time together. I think that's important. To see and touch each other as you're talking through things.

 

Your H sounds angry still. and hurt. And that's why he is being mean. I gather from my own talks with my H that men don't respond well when they think they've failed their wives and they're no good at on-the-spot deep talking. They need time to digest and come back to you. So if you were wanting an immediate response what you might have gotten was an angry backlash. And from the sound of it, your H did feel he has failed to provide you with something and that's why you did what you did. Although he's angry with you, I think he's also feeling that perhaps he is not enough for you.

 

I think writing letters to each other is a good idea, since distance keeps you apart. You are hurt as well, and your letter shows it. It also shows that you love your H and want him to understand what happened. You're telling him what you need to tell him, but perhaps not what he needs to hear. I think you'd have to look deep within yourself to find out what led up to the "surprise" (seems like your H doesn't think it was that much of a surprise), go to counselling to find out if you must, or post here and talk to people here. Ask him what he needs to know. Be patient and try and find out what he needs to hear. ask him to list down what he wants to know and do your best to answer.

 

I'll try and give my feedback on your letter. Dunno if you've given it to him and if this would help? What the heck, I'm here, so I'll just give you my two-cents, k?

 

>Dear David, I love you very much I just want you to know that. You write to me and make me feel like we are going to get through this. Then you make me feel like we wont. <

 

Say what he has been doing that makes you feel this way. And tell him how you feel when he acts like you won't get through this. Try and keep anger out of it. Because it is true he is the injured party here. You're injured too, but in deflection (XYZ hurt your H and ricochetted and hurt you but you were not in direct line of fire). Remember you are communicating how important he is to you and how sorry you are about your mistake.

 

>David I love you and I am going to try my hardest to work this out with you.<

 

and what is it you're willing to do to work it out? It might help to list down some of the things you're willing/going to do. Example, tell your ex-bf that it was a stupid mistake that kiss and you cannot meet up or see him or contact him again -- say in front of your H, all the better.

 

>You tell me not to cry, but David this has hurt me too. Yeah it may not be the pain that you are feeling but it is still pain. <

 

Why is it pain to you? Because you've hurt him. And why does it hurt you to hurt him? Tell him! Show him how close he is in your heart.

 

>I dont know what to tell you that I havnt told you before. David It wasnt like I was sitting here plaining on destoying our relationship and our love. What I did was not plained it just happened. Take this how you want, but this is all I can say. <

 

No, no, girl. This is not all you can say. You can say more, and do more. You sound like you really want to, and I'm reaffirming that. I don't think your H believe it "just happened." Repeat if true, go over the situation, write it down step by step. Show him why, to you, it just happened. Admit lack of judgement where appropriate, and tell him how you have taken steps to make sure it won't happen again.

 

>Ive tried to talk to you about it. You just want to grill me, I am hurt and I hurt cause of the mean things that you do say to me.<

 

I'm sorry he's being mean. He's angry, I think. And people lash out. Is there any truth to the mean things he says? Does it indicate any hidden issues? If it does, that's another thing to work out. Try and learn from the things he says too, even if you're hurt. Maybe more understanding on both sides can come out of it.

 

> You say that you being gone had nothing to do with it and you are right. You had nothing to do with it cause I didnt walk into that bar thinking that it was even going to happen. Nothing had anything to do with it. In your email you want me to tell you what it was that you did wrong. You didnt do nothing wrong and I am not about to point fingers. You were gone yeah and I missed you like crazy, but I know in my heart that it wasnt something planned it just happened, If I could take it back I would, but David I cant. I want to make things right with you again, but I feel that your not willing to. I have told you all I can do.<

 

It's great you tell him it's your fault. But I read qualifiers here. all the "buts", you know? "It just happened" doesn't give any security to your H that it won't happen again. If "it just happened" and you had no control then how can he trust you when you're not the one in control? Then there is no way he or you can ensure that it won't happen again. That must be scary. So, is it really true there is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening ever again? I think perhaps you need to just say you're sorry and you made a mistake and you told your H even when you're scared as hell but it's because you want to be completely honest and want to do all you can to show your H you are sorry about your mistake and if he could help you prevent this from ever happening again because you felt some things weren't in your control but you are not sure because you are hurting right now.

 

> Damn it David I have waited for you for a long ****ing time and I am still waiting for you. That night gave me no satisfaction, NONE! I know what I did was wrong. I just hope that you can learn to forgive me and put it past us so we can move on.<

 

Yeah, admitting you're mistake is good. But I don't see "I'm really sorry this has hurt you so much." "I just hope you can learn to forgive me..." can also be beefed up with a following, "Please forgive me for my mistake." Also, adding after "...move on," maybe something like. Please tell me what I can do to help us move on."

 

> I am expecting a bad letter from you in return but Ive realized that nothing is going to make it better or worse so here it is.<

 

Er... maybe don't put in the negative things you're expecting from him. His being angry and hurt is going to take some time to go away (based on what I know about myself, but I don't know your H, so what do you think?). Telling him that you don't expect a good response from him isn't going to help him give you a good response.

 

> I ****ing love you, your all I love and you are all I want to love. If you dont chose to be with me any more then I guess that is what I get. I cant do nothing about that. <

 

You can, you are! If you really want to do something about it, tell him.

 

>I wish I could just fix it but I cant. <

 

You can TRY. "I wish I could fix it, but I'm not sure how. I want to, very badly, but I need your help on this. Please tell me what you need to hear or know, and I'll do my best. I really love you."

 

>I believe that with time it can be fixed and I just hope that we will get that. David when I first fell in love with you I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I did not deliberatly hurt us. In fact I am actualy proud of myself cause I told him no and I pushed him away. I am not any way proud that I let it get as far as it did. I know sorry isnt going to make it better. <

 

It will, somehow, because it's not just a word. It says that you know your mistake and you are sorry that he's hurt. He has to know that you have him in your heart and that right now, easing his pain (working on improving your relatiosnhip) is your top priority right now.

 

> I know what I did was wrong, I am willing to tough all the **** you throw at me because I love you and I want to make this work. If I could think of anything for the reason of what I did I would have to say because I was lonely and someone showed me affection. Thats all I can think that would have caused me to do what I did. I do know that you are the one I wanted the affection from, but I was caught off gaurd. I dont know. Get mad at me cause I know you will but David if you want this to work then help me too. I am not telling you to, I am asking you too.<

 

Yes, yes, ask him for help, and it's great you tell him repeatedly that you love him and he's the one you want.

 

> It is your choice and what choice you make will be the only answer I will get. If you want me to get the **** out of your life then I will. But I will not go until you want me too. I love you David, I just want to work this out. I want to be with you and I want to move on with our lives together. I guess this is all I really have to say. I love you!! I want to be with you. Love your wife, Crystal<

 

Great to end on loving note. What say you add in things about your husband that you love and appreciate and thank him for all the wonderful things he has done for you? Shows that you know and can tell and appreciate what he does for you and the family. So that he knows you're not just saying it but actually have processed it and thought about it and KNOW how good he is to you.

 

Hope this helps. Please remember these are just my comments. I don't really know you or your husband, so please take my comments as just opinions and suggestions. You know your relationship best and instinctually would know what is best for it. Good luck!

[RecordProducer]

Crystal, you're exaggerating a lot. It's really not the end of the world. You were alone and you didn't cheat on him. Don't feel like the worst person alive cuz you don't really know what he did there. But don't think about it!

I must tell you that you're a fool for telling him. Why'd you tell him?

Anyway, the only way for you to defend yourself in this case is to use offense as defense.

You kissed your ex! Big deal. He saw your daughter only three times. He made love to you three times in the last year. If he can't understand that you're just human, appreciate your honesty and eternal patience, then how would he act if your love gets really tempted some day?

His penis is regularly getting hard, does he always think of you when masturbating? Does he never buy porn magazines and fantasize about doing other naked women? That could be considered as cheating as well.

Don't let him call you nasty names and insult you. You did what you did. You made a mistake. That doesn't mean you should take his humiliation. Next time he insults you, let him know, calmly but firmly, that you will not listen to his offensive language anymore. He has said enough and he can make a choice anytime, but not humiliate you. You said you were sorry many times. Now what?

He will feel better if you just cut him off when he starts the same old subject. Turn another page of your life and you will make it easier for both of you. The more you crawl, the more he will accuse you and reject you. Once you say 'shut up or leave me alone' he will most likely shut up.

[Crystalbaby]

Your absolutely right!! ABSOLUTELY!!

 

Hello its me again. I just want to say thank you so much for all of your replies. The last one realy made a lot of since to me. As did the others. They help when trying to explain myself or writing letters. I dont know why I told him, out of guilt I guess. I mean Im no angel. Boyfriends before I was married were never serious to me but now I am married and it just made me feel like s*** doing what I did. I finaly did tell him that I will not let him bring me down anymore and pretty much what your post says and he has shown me a little more respect. I learned from all of this to just keep my big mouth shut. I have realized that there are a hell of a lot of worse things I could have done. If he wanted to leave me then he can and sure find someone else. But would they be as honest? Would they be as faithful? Yeah I did a bad thing but I still think of myself as a faithful wife and a good woman. If he cant deal with a stupid mistake like this then maybe I sould be the one to leave. He has calmed down a lot, THANK GOD. It was getting to me pretty bad. The man I married telling me that I was a mistake everyday doesnt realy boost your esteem. Let me tell you. I just know it wont happen again. I hurt bad knowing what I did and knowing that I hurt him. Things look better. Thank you all so so much. It helps knowing Im not some peice of crap floating out here on this big earth and that other people realy do care. Thank you__ Crystal

 

P.S. Your right cause, at least I am being honest and I dont know what he has done and not told me, if anything. I just know I dont deserve all this crap I get. I know I am a beautiful woman, I am young and he should be lucky that I am as good to him as I am. I just turned 22 and I know women my age and they are pretty wild. You tell me?? LOL

[RecordProducer]

Dear Crystal, next time you kiss someone, keep your mouth shut! (not while kissing though)

You only have one life. Only once you were 16, only once you will be 28 or 33. Don't let anyone possess what's yours (your life) and ruin it. Some things you don't tell anyone. Some things should stay secrets between you and you.

Is your husband going to be away until he retires?