Why can't I let him go? He makes me crazy..or maybe I make myself crazy..

[clynn]

Ladies, Ladies. All I know is that if they don't want to be with you, it doesn't matter why. That they found someone. That they are commitmentphobes, or whatever. It doesn't matter. Point is, they don't. You don't need the grief and heartache of wondering what you can or should have done or can do now.

 

I just think Mollyanna with feeling so crazeeeee, you might want to just calm off of finding the 'man' and just in feeling comfy with yourself for a bit.

 

But then what do I know?

 

Maybe the next dude will be the one and after all why not get right back in the saddle again?

 

Don't you find all of this very distracting to your life and work and stuff?

[Superstitious]

Very distracting and everything you said is absolutely right. I guess we wallow in the pain..when what we should be doing is celebrating. HA! It's the best thing for me..I know this. He was a control freak ...and a liar, cheater etc. Why would I even want him back.

And you are right..it doesn't matter why..it matters that he doesn't want to work it out period. I shouldn't worry about why. I will come to my calm..soon.

 

 

Thanks !

[Mollyanna]

Superstitious - you made a comment about something that I think has both of us acting so nuts - being in our 30's and never married and want children. And I also broke off 2 engagements in my early 20's. I'm starting to feel like I missed my chance to have a family. Maybe that is why we are freaking out so much... we feel desperate to not be alone anymore.

 

I really really miss X today. Unfortunately my anger is starting to cool off and now I feel this sudden need to fix the situation - to make everything better. But that is one of my issues. I can't stand to feel powerless.

 

Clynn: If I didn't have my work and my treadmill right now, I would be crazy. I am actually quite obsessed with working and exercise now to stop me from thinking of him, but everyone has to have a time to sit and relax and unfortunately that is when these sad thoughts come in to haunt me.

[Superstitious]

Yes I completely agree w/you about the family. Who wants to look and start over again ..at our age..? It seems the clock is ticking..I know It makes me very desperate...especially with the men out there..they are most jerks. TRUST me. Getting to know someone new...is just not fun -we want the one we know to be the "one" .

The anger/sad part..ah ...that is SOO me. I am on a emotional roller coaster peaking from one minute to the next. I get to a point in my day ..where I have to just STOP ..because all I do ..is sit here and ponder on whether he is going to call me and want me back..it's ridiculous. Talk about engrossing in something..or obsessing. I am compulsive obbsessive for sure. It's so hard to make a rational decision when you feel this way too. That is where the anger comes from..we get mad, then sad..and desperate etc. I just want to be content and happy ..as he obviously is.

That is still to come.

I go to the gym daily and work. Thats it...but after all that..the day begins and ends w/delusional thoughts..of what did I do, what can I do and how can I fix it.

Hopefully we will get through this and be GLAD it happened one day. That is what everyone keeps telling me anyhow. One day, I will be thankful.HA, that seems like a bleak reality right now..I am sure you can agree.

Just take it one day at a time..and whatever you do...(easy for me to say) don't contact him.

I am trying my damndest to do the same.

Let's keep a pact that we won'd call or contact them ( my main form lately has been email .hahaha) Sent a ton ..and deleted a ton..but all communication must stop. That gives them space to miss you..and if they really want us...they will be w/us in the end. If it was meant to be anyhow

 

Thanks for your comments.. It actually felt good in a sense to know I wasn't the only one in the world dealing w/these desperate feelings. I felt so alone and crazy for awhile now..

 

Hoping both our situations turn out for the best.

My ex guy is out of town right now..I am used to talking to him like 4 times a day ..so it's real difficult. ..I am hoping his time away makes him think and WAKE up ..although I have a feeling it isn't .

[Mollyanna]

I haven't spoken to him for over a week or let him read any email that I have written. We have never went more than a couple of days not talking in the last 15 months - and never more than a week not seeing each other. So heck yes this is VERY hard.

 

You need your guy's email password lol. I wrote to X 3 times yesterday and went into his email and deleted them back out before he saw them. For some reason I feel really good hitting that send button until I start to think he might read it! ha!

 

The main thing holding me back from contact is that the last email I wrote to him had the subject line of MY LAST WORDS. So I feel like they have to be. Plus I am so damn curious to see why he still has my email. He must be thinking of responding to it. So I am trying to be more stubborn than him and make him talk to me first.

 

Why do I care what he thinks though?? he has been such a liar for a good while and played with my emotions. I feel this desperate need to find a new guy and be happy and really stick it to him so he realizes what he missed out on. I want to be happy before he is.

 

I was right about the guy last night. I got the typical "it was great to meet you. I had fun. Take care." email today from him. but heck I thought I was pretty entertaining last night but he mostly talked about bars and niteclubs and his ex-wife... so I am trying not to feel too bad. The guy who chased me to the door and asked for my number over a week ago never called... very weird. i don't understand men...

 

I will take that pact with you. Hope we can keep it! Hey, get the book Why Men Love Bitches. I just bought it and I am loving it. Very insightful. This book tells me I am way too nice and that men want a strong independent woman who won't take that crap from them. Check it out. I got it at Borders.

[Superstitious]

Thats was weird how you said he is keeping your email. Me ex told me he has all my emails saved..WEIRD> I told him..what for? You don't reply to them. He said "because it helps me learn more about you" What doesn't he know about me after almost 4 years? That is what I wanna know. He said I am very nice in my emails. So that makes me wonder if he is debating ..and if they are making him think. I am not sure.

 

YES I AGREE ..men are very weird. I would LOVE to find a hot great guy and stick it to Mr ex...however...ever one I meet turns into a jerk...or doesn't call ..etc. It's very odd..This one guy from my gym HOT, I mean HOT..he always flirts w/me..got my #..but hasn't called ..I mean what is up w/that ? I give up.

They are all nuts.

 

I will check out that book you mentioned. One I just got that is GREAT is called .."He's just not that into you" I love it. It says it like it is..bottom line. He isn't calling cuz he just isn't that into you. I have a hard time believing that however,,,because just 2 weeks ago I have a message on my vm that says "I am just calling to say I was thinking about you, I miss you and I love you"

GAMES!

 

Yes, wish I had his pw. To see if there was someone else.

But who knows..that is probably why he has no problem just walking away. It makes it easier.

 

And about them being liars..yes, my ex is the biggest liar ever. I have been through it with him over and over.

URGGG!

 

Good for you...sticking to your guns.. KEEP IT UP!

[Mollyanna]

My ex swore up and down that he had no interest in seeing anyone else. Even after we broke up and I went on a date with someone, we hung out as friends one night and he said he didn't want to get involved with anyone because he just wasn't ready. When we were together there were a couple of girls that called, but he always explained them away as people he played volleyball with or were family friends. Now I know better.. but it is still difficult to face. Besides being my lover, he was my best friend for over a year. Everything funny that happens or interesting, I want to call or write to him first and tell him all about it. I want to ask him for advice. I want to see how his day is and I terribly miss his kids. I am angry that he brought me into their lives when he had no intention of me staying. And I am angry that I trusted him and he betrayed me.

 

The book you referenced, I read many excerpts of it on the Internet and I sat down in the bookstore with it for a while. It was good, but I decided to buy the other one instead since it seemed to fit my situation more.

 

Well I hope you are having good luck tonight not thinking about your X too much. It is hard to let it go on the weekends.

[Mollyanna]

ugh I called him tonight.. after I had 2 margaritas. I went to church this afternoon and they were saying the pain in your heart will never be released until you forgive the people who have hurt you. I cried right there in church, thinking of him. Then after my friend and I went out to eat and had margaritas, I called him on my way home. I told him about the sermon and said I wanted to forgive him but he needed to fess up to the lies he has been telling. (remember he doesn't know that I know everything). He lied to me again and again. He made up more stories to cover up the ones from before because he knew he was getting caught. I told him I didn't care anymore if he was interested in someone else or talking to someone else, but that I couldn't stand to be lied to and if he would just start telling me the truth, I could work on forgiving him. He said nothing. He sat there quiet.

 

He told me he was a little angry about my letter, but he understood I just needed to vent. I told him, no I really meant what I said about you being selfish. You never put any effort into anything with me. You haven't for months! I do everything. I told him he makes me crazy. He said he was sorry I felt that way and he didn't know why I let him make me crazy.

 

What the heck does that mean??

 

He kept changing the subject and trying to joke around with me. Then he put his 3 year old on the phone to talk to me because he asked to. God I miss those kids so much... He (the 3 year old) asked me to come over. I told him I couldn't. So he asked me if I could come tomorrow. I told him I was getting on a plane. He asked when I would come then. I guess X hasn't told them yet that I won't be in their lives any longer...

 

Eventually (after an hour lol) I got aggravated and told him I was exhausted trying to fix everything between us everytime we have a spat and that he needed to do something soon to prove to me that he still wanted me in his life. He said he does. I said well then you need to prove it. And then I said, "Talk to you later, or not - you decide and you contact me when you are ready."

 

Am I an idiot for even trying? What am I trying for? Why do I even want him? Am I a glutton for punishment. WHY DO I let him make me crazy??? That was a good question.

[jasondotcom]

Mollyana, I would agree that forgiving is pretty important in these situations.

 

Re: "He said he was sorry I felt that way and he didn't know why I let him make me crazy." This sounds to me like he's saying he has some sympathy for how you're feeling, but that he's not responsible for how you feel, you are. This might seem a bit rich coming from him, but he does have a point. We're each responsible for our own feelings. It seems this is getting you to ask the right questions - looking to yourself.

 

My update is that I saw him and thought it went kind of OK. But I did say too much, more than I had planned to, and in hindsight might have been a bit petty and nasty on one or two occasions. This included feeling the need to tell him I still loved him and that I thought he was running and should stop doing that to himself. He said part of him still loved me deeply too, but that there was a time for trying and that time had passed. I really did intend not to have this sort of conversation with him.

 

The stupid thing is that I accept that it's not a good idea to be together now, and I really don't want that. Neither of us are "there" yet, we both have work to do on ourselves...for good reason I think we're both at that facing up to things point in our lives. I know he's having a bit of a hard time in trying to face his demons and I do not want to be a source of additional stress and pressure in his life...he doesn't need that. A lot of big stuff has gone down in my life recently and I know I also need some time alone to really sort through that, yet these out of control emotions of mine are have been making me behave as if I want him back now.

 

I've sinced faced up to the fact I have been obsessive and it has to stop. Saw him again briefly today and sensed I had pushed things a bit far Friday and that he wasn't that happy with me. So I know if it doesn't stop now I'll push him away completely. Maybe one day when we're both in a better place as individuals something could work (I have to admit that hope), but it will never happen if I keep going the way I have been. Besides it's time for me to focus on getting my own sh*t together. I feel a bit of a need to apologise to him, but need to be careful about being obsessive about that too! So I really understand when you say you feel crazy!

[Mollyanna]

Jason:

What did he mean by saying "There was a time for trying and that time has passed"? I don't get that. Why would there be a time limit. Whoops, 10 minutes too late - sorry!!! That is an absurd statement.

 

As for your obsession, obsess about something else. All last week, I obsessed about exercise (and lost 4 pounds!) by walking between 6-8 miles per day and didn't write to him once. But now here I am on my business trip and feeling lonely and so I have been writing back and forth with X all day during breaks and lunch. Just like old times. . . I am feeling all giddy again and know I should still be very very angry with him. So somehow this week I need to find a new obsession. (My feet hurt too much to exercise after standing on my feet all day - plus I overdid the walking last week.) If I have to, I am going to start smoking again and smoke on all my breaks!

 

Maybe obsession isn't healthy, but we need to focus our energies somewhere else until time can get us through this romantic hell we are in. We are BOTH chasing them away. I know it. We need to pretend they don't matter - that we have better things to do and then they will be chasing us!

[jasondotcom]

Well this has been our second breakup, so what he means is that we've given things a damn good try and it's not worth continuing to do that now when things were working so badly. When I think back to how things were shortly before this split I really have to agree. Shortly after this split we very cautiously mentioned the possibilty that one day when we had both sorted some stuff out which had contributed to the problems we might want to give it another shot. But that now would be pointless and just lead to the same problems cropping up. Given that we split for 3 months the first time and then the problems emerged again within 2 months of being together again I think and accept that what he says is true.

 

Yeah the obsession is a hard one, but I really woke up to myself this weekend. I realise it's really time to focus on looking after myself (which I haven't been doing to a frightening degree) and restoring my sense of self and feeling stronger. This will be my new obsession - me. You're very right that we're both chasing them away, which is the exact opposite of what we intend. That has to tell you you're doing something wrong.

 

I'm glad to hear you managed to redirect your obsessiveness onto something constructive and healthy. If you're weakening now, just remember that you did it once, you can do it again. It's interesting he's communicating with you, he obviously wasn't too upset by your email.

 

Aaah, smoking. I started again shortly before we split, which he wasn't too impressed about (and neither was I), but then he was undermining my self esteem and I was getting depressed about it so what can you expect. I think I've been smoking even more since the split. If you can resist taking it up again, then do. It's just one more challenge for me to face now that I could do without. Remember (as I am trying to) that the focus now has to be on your own state of mind and wellbeing. Smoking doesn't fit into that picture.

 

I got a reasonably polite email from him this morning and have emailed back my apology for Friday night. I said I hoped he could accept it as teething problems in the transition from lovers to friends, so have my fingers crossed now that he can.

[JS17]

I've read a good chunk of this thread. I thought what you all said about commitment phobes was pretty good, it seems you know what you're talking about.

 

It is really really really hard, but if you're serious about getting over these relationships the best thing you can do is stop thinking about them. It is so hard to do, I know, I struggle with it too. They say it takes 21 days to break an addiction, be it smoking, drinking, or your ex. Take it day by day, don't break into their email, don't call, don't write, don't accept calls...no contact. It really does work. You've probably heard this before, this time DO IT. You'll feel so much better when one day you wake up and you're not thinking about him/her.

 

Keep writing those letters and emails or keep a journal. Sometimes it helps me to hit the send button on emails too but it only will end up hurting you and hurting your ex to send it to them. If you hit the send button but put your OWN email address on it, you've been able to express yourself and get out the anger in a more safe and productive way. or hop on this site and talk about it, that's why we're all here.

 

Relationships aren't easy and it's hard when you feel that clock ticking. I heard someone say that women worry about the future until they're married, men start worrying about the future when they get married. You'll get there, you deserve it and you will find someone who appreciates you.

 

A couple of good books I read that might help you, or at least entertain you, are "be honest...You're Not That Into Him Either" (read the conclusion that the wife of the author wrote) and "Making Peace with Your Past".