dump a bad marriage for an old love?

[midlifecrazy]

I have so much crap going on in my head I don't know whether to sheet or go blind. Been married a long time, basically a sexless marriage the whole time. Not completely though because there were kids. I did my duty and have stayed until they were all raised and on their own.The thought of divorce first entered my mind nearly 20 years ago. But because of the kids I sucked it up, buckled down and served my time.

 

The sex thing is a huge problem in our marriage. She won't do oral sex on me (I love to do her) and if I suggest anal sex she accuses me of being gay. I consider myself a skilled lover but she only wants what she wants. She barely ever touches me anywhere and never strokes my penis. If she happens to get semen on her she acts like its battery acid and can't wait to jump up run to the bathroom and wash it off. I should add I am a well built nice looking guy. On the rare occasions we do make love it is completely predictable. She masturbates until she gets a little interested then lets me do it to her (and I better be quick about it) and then we're done. Anymore I find myself actually trying to avoid having sex with her at all because of her selfish, taking attitude. And when I do do it, I feel disgusted with myself for giving in to her.

 

Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture. (geez when you write out it sounds really, really bad).

 

Our fights and squabbles have been escalating in intensity. I take these relationship quizzes and they indicate imminent and total breakdown. I just don't see spending the rest of my life like this. The truth is I was ready to break up with her all those long years ago when I was just a stupid kid. Then she got pregnant (don't worry I won't get pregnant, she said). I know, I know I shouldn't have had sex with her if that was the way I felt but what can I say. I've paid a helluva price for that indiscretion.

 

I've never been unfaithful but that's going to change. I've made up my mind that she is not going to be the last woman I make love to,

 

And now something else in the mix. A girl I fell in love with before her is on the edges of my life again. She was my dream girl, everything I wanted. It was a summer fling. But I thought there were some mixed signals. Then a supposed friend stabbed me in the back by lying about her. I was told she was already pregnant by someone else who was away in the army and was going to marry him when he got back. Like a fool, I didn't talk to her about it. I thought I shouldn't come between a man and his family. I simply walked away went off to college and tried to forget about it.

 

Now I find her in the area again. I saw her from a distance but I haven't approached her yet. I've also learned that though married she is childless.

I honest to God think I married the wrong woman and that "friend" and his lie ruined a lot of lives.

 

So, what do I do, divorce?, try to rekindle the old flame? have an affair with her, steal from her hubby? leave her alone and go after someone else?

 

What do you say?

[moimeme]

Divorce and leave her alone. You can't go back again. Your desperation in your own situation has made you think she's got the lifeline you need. She doesn't. You can do it on your own without ruining someone else's marriage. So do so.

[beejsea2]

I agree with moimeme! If your marriage is that bad and can not be fixed move on...but you don't need to jump into a relationship with someone else right away. Plus how do you know that this old flame would want to be with you??

[Bubbles]

midlifecrazy,

 

I feel that your focus on this ex-girlfriend only to be a "comfort zone" for you. When you think about her you feel good about yourself, you feel good inside. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a sexless, loveless marriage with children and was NOT attracted to my husband. Besides the fact that he was drunk everyday of the week - he just did not listen (as a lover) I told him quite frankly the things that I liked and what I did'nt like and he still just continued on his way to do what made him feel good.

 

So as you feel now; I felt then. I also focused on a past lover and thought how "good" that was. But that is the point....key word here..."was".

 

You need to put things right in your life first. If you feel that you are ready to crawl into bed with another person, then that is a very obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship you are currently in. Don't insult yourself by having an affair and getting caught. When you get caught? all the things that you will plead drove you to this will fall on deaf ears. You will then be labelled a "cheater" and that on it's own outweighs her lack of zest in the bedroom.

 

I'm going to repeat what I said......If you are thinking about getting into bed with someone other than your spouce - you are clearly ready to leave. Unless your wife is willing to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom to at least make it exciting for you? Move on.

 

bubbles

[NiCoLe20]

well before you come to your decision about a divorce, have you ever thought of seeing a sex therapist? it might do wonders for your marriage. have you seen the movie meet the ****ers? lol.... its a great movie and it shows you some of the things a sex therapist teaches. im sure if your sex life was improved, their wouldnt be AS MUCH stress, arguments, and problems in your marriage. I say give it a shot atleast, if it doesnt work out, then get a divorce.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by Bubbles

midlifecrazy,

 

I feel that your focus on this ex-girlfriend only to be a "comfort zone" for you. When you think about her you feel good about yourself, you feel good inside. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a sexless, loveless marriage with children and was NOT attracted to my husband. Besides the fact that he was drunk everyday of the week - he just did not listen (as a lover) I told him quite frankly the things that I liked and what I did'nt like and he still just continued on his way to do what made him feel good.

 

So as you feel now; I felt then. I also focused on a past lover and thought how "good" that was. But that is the point....key word here..."was".

 

You need to put things right in your life first. If you feel that you are ready to crawl into bed with another person, then that is a very obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship you are currently in. Don't insult yourself by having an affair and getting caught. When you get caught? all the things that you will plead drove you to this will fall on deaf ears. You will then be labelled a "cheater" and that on it's own outweighs her lack of zest in the bedroom.

 

I'm going to repeat what I said......If you are thinking about getting into bed with someone other than your spouce - you are clearly ready to leave. Unless your wife is willing to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom to at least make it exciting for you? Move on.

 

bubbles

agree 100% do what bubbles said!!!

[lynnered]

my xmm felt the way you did at home ,she got preg just as he was ready to break up(before marriage),then she bitch ed &harped him into marriage,she's out of shape ,insults him is rude,was ignorant before marriage he thought shed change her personality ,she blows his money ...wait a minute is that you B?(my xmm)lol

 

if your not happy why stick around ,i don't get you men sometimes?

why did you even marry her if she wouldn't do oral or anal ?

did you think a piece of paper would change that?

marriage does not make woman turn into your perfect little sex slave .

[midlifecrazy]

Well I had a nice long reply to all the responses addressing all the issues ready to post and then my computer crashed before I could hit the submit button. have to redo it tomorrow

 

Anyhow thanks for all the input. Its been eye opening and thought provoking.

Keep it coming

[Mz. Pixie]

Mid life-

 

Bubbles was right on. I'm going through a little of what you've experienced.

 

Married 10+ years to a decent guy- decent in the fact he worked, didn't have a drug problem- didn't beat me. Pretty good father- we had a comfortable life.

He would not, however, meet my needs. He felt there was always time to meet his needs- yet there wasn't time to meet my needs. He was always interested in sex but it was never that good for me. He wanted me more to "service" him- he couldn't last more than five strokes. He had let himself go terribly while I maintained a good figure and took care of myself. He never gave me any affection or attention. I tried everything and nothing worked- I had more sex with him because he claimed that was why he wasn't meeting my needs. I requested counseling numerous times- and I point blank told him I would cheat or leave him if he didn't straighten up. He never listened until I told him to hit the door- by that time it was too late for me to change my feelings.

 

I had a fling- and it was a huge mistake. If you get caught everyone will think you're scum even though any other man would have one under the same cicumstances. Now everyone knows about the fling- and everyone that was in my life before hates me. I made one mistake in all those years of marriage and he made countless- yet that's all anyone can think of.

 

Men feel loved from sexual attention. Women need to take notes that if you're not pleasing your man in that area- no matter how devoted he is- he will find someone else to meet his needs. Your wife is a prude and if I were you I'd be very offended she feels the need to masturbate until she's interested just to have sex.

 

I have a wonderful BF now who does everything to meet my needs in the bedroom and out. I LOVE pleasing him and would do whatever he wanted except painful stuff if it would please him. You deserve a woman who wants to please you. Please think about what I said and get out first. Then you will be free to find the right person for you.

[lynnered]

Mz. Pixie

i really enjoyed your reply

i had a A with mm and it your situation sounds like his but from a woman's perspective I'm glad you did the right thing &got out .

i think no one should stay in a bad marriage and you tried so hard to make it work .

am glad you chose to be happy!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks! I just wish I would have gone about it differently.

 

My dad said that it takes enormous guts to do what I did- I have no family up here. I moved into an apartment, with little furniture and stuff like that. I had to go out and buy a used car to be able to go to work etc. I did it despite the rejection of everyone in my life- including my best friend of 11 years. I'm not sure why she's being the way she is- she knew about this all beforehand and advised me to leave him too! I think it's just too hard to stand up to everyone else that's a huge part of her life. He said most women stay where they are unhappy and are miserable for the rest of their lives. I believe that much is true- I saw my mother do that and I was determined I never would.

 

It wasn't a horrible marriage but for me it was unbearable because I wanted so much more!

[Ladyjane14]

I was just remarking on another thread the other day how it's a shame that we only look at the one side of a post. I imagine Mrs. Midlifecrazy might have a whole different POV.

 

While Mr. Midlifecrazy was "doing his time", I wonder if she was strictly enjoying the last 20 years. Clearly, she is the source of ALL of his discomfort in life. And while he was wasting the last 20 years for-the-sake-of-the kids, I wonder if she feels her years were wasted as well.

 

I'm sorry. I don't see how refusing to get f*cked up the a$$ makes her a prude or a bad wife. It appears she's been rear-ended regardless though, after having invested her good years in a marriage in which she was obviously found lacking.

 

I have to wonder if maybe there's some internet porn involved in all this. Personally, I think it tends to warp a person's sense of reality. And anyone who's not living their life doin' it kinky and freaky is labled a frigid prude.

 

If that's the case Midlifecrazy, you might consider taking a break from the on-line stuff for a while, at least until you've had a chance to evaluate your situation. Maybe you could talk all this over with a therapist before making any rash decisions. (????)

 

If you'd be happier divorced than married, chances are your wife would too. I know that I wouldn't want to live the rest of MY life with a man who thought so little of me.

 

Whatever you do, don't f*ck-up someone else's marriage just because you're unhappy with your own. Focusing on old flames and lost loves is a common coping mechinism for avoiding the REAL problems in life....problems that are unaddressed for want of a workable solution. After the real issues are solved the obsessive thoughts of other people usually resolve themselves.

[Moose]

I did my duty and have stayed until they were all raised and on their own.

Done your duty? What is this? You vowed until death do you part, your duty is far from done.

But because of the kids I sucked it up, buckled down and served my time.

You're not in prison, life is what you make it. Not anyone else.

The sex thing is a huge problem in our marriage.

Yours and countless others. But it's no excuse to cut and run, are you lazy by nature? All the bedroom problems you explained can be fixed. You just can't be lazy or selfish about it. You have to do some re-discovering with your ever changing wife. She also has to be an active participant to find that, "zone", again. If you can sit there and tell me that there never was a zone, yet you married her anyway, then you made you bed, you should lie in it and become a monk.

Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture.

Sound like you've neglected to put your foot down, who's fault is that?

I've never been unfaithful but that's going to change. I've made up my mind that she is not going to be the last woman I make love to,

Sound like you've already made up your mind. Come on, tell us the truth, you just want to hear us justify you future actions. Well, I'm not. If you sleep with someone else with just these very lame reasons you've posted, in my mind, your a low down cheater and deserve everything that will come your way.

 

Of course, MOI is going to tell you to divorce her. That's her style, if things aren't going you're way, you can always pack up and head out. That's ok if you don't give a care about honor and sticking to your commitments. I guess that's a dying breed anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just for clarification- I wasn't saying that she should do ANYTHING that he wanted to- only what she could do to please him.

 

We are only getting his side of the story and I know that. What bothered me was that he said she had to masturbate to get keyed up to have sex with him- to me that's like a man having to look at porn to get horny to have sex with his wife.

Both are wrong and sad.

[midlifecrazy]

Ok I'll try this in small segments this time. Bubbles you're right about the old flame being a comfort zone. Yes it's nice to fantasize about what might have been but that's not helping the current situation. Beajsea and Moimeme are also correct. I have no idea whether she would even remember me let alone be interested at all. It's possible that it meant more to me that to her. Also she's undoubtedly changed some over the years. She may have become someone I would no longer be interested in. Best to leave that alone, I guess but "we'll always have Paris".

[midlifecrazy]

Continuing in response to Bubbles, the part about being ready to go to bed with someone else mean it's time to end the relationship really hit home. This also touches on Mz Pixie's experience. I don't want to have my kids look at me as the cheater who betrayed their mother. If we break up without any affairs then the worse that can be said, I think, is that we were both at fault in various ways.

 

Mz Pixie, you're right about men feeling loved through sex, I can't apologize for being what I am. But then there's this, over the past 6 months or so my wife has said to me on at least 3 occasions that if I wanted more sex or oral sex I should find a different woman. Now what the HELL does that mean? Is it a challenge to leave her? An okay to go out and find someone on the side? or what?

 

What really pissed me off was that I overheard her telling one of her friends "Well, I just told HIM that he'd have to BLAH BLAH BLAH". The last time she said that to me I asked her if that's really what she wanted me to do. She wouldn't give me an answer.

[midlifecrazy]

Niclole20 I've mentioned therapy to her in the past without much success. Her opinion is that I'm the one with problem. In a way I guess she's right. She's not even comfortable watching a serious TV that discusses any type of sexual problems. But I guess I can suggest it again. At least no one can say that I didn't try.

 

Lynnered, I don't get you. It's ok for Mz Pixie to try to be happy but it's not ok for me? And no one had to hound me into getting married. I grew up in a one parent family (due to a death) and I didn't want a child of mine to grow up like that.

That's why I stuck around.

 

As far as the anal reference, that's all it was. Something to indicate a desire for variety. If it was painful or uncomfortable for her I would never pressure her to do it. As it is now if my fingers happen to brush her butt she clamps her cheeks together like the new kid spending his first night on the cell block.

[lynnered]

Lynnered, I don't get you. It's ok for Mz Pixie to try to be happy but it's not ok for me? And no one had to hound me into getting married. I grew up in a one parent family (due to a death) and I didn't want a child of mine to grow up like that.

That's why I stuck around.

 

mspixie left !!

you need to leave is what i said if your not happy ,not to cheat, not to mess up old flames life &i stated i didn't get you men cause my xmm"s feelings were simlular to yours i understand kids involved but if you're not happy i just don't get sticking around.

i had a question were you &W ever sexually compatible?

[midlifecrazy]

Truly, Lynnered, we were not. I guess it's the old story of thinking someone will change and come around to your way of thinking or feeling. Guess I was kind of slow because it took me about 10 years to realize that there ain't no way that was ever gonna happen.

[moimeme]

Of course, MOI is going to tell you to divorce her. That's her style, if things aren't going you're way, you can always pack up and head out.

 

I'll thank you, [color=red]MOOOSEYPOOOO[/color] to not speak for me. Man proposes having an affair and asks whether he should do it or divorce first. My position is that if you feel you need to cheat, get the hell out of the marriage first.

 

You may think that people ought to put up with abuse and mistreatment in marriage because you abused and mistreated your own spouse and have reformed, but not every abusive, rotten spouse reforms, Mooseypoo, and this babe isn't showing encouraging signs.

 

Did you read this:?

Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture. (geez when you write out it sounds really, really bad).

 

No human, male or female, deserves to be treated this way. I agree that promises and committments should be honoured, however if one partner breaks the promises and committment, then there is no reason for the other to continue. It's the same as contract law, if one person breaks the contract, the entire contract is broken.

 

IF this woman agreed to counselling and were to change, as you did, fine, but there is no sign she'll ever do that. So why should he remain there? In case maybe in another ten years she'll finally see the light and reform? How? She won't consider therapy.

 

Niclole20 I've mentioned therapy to her in the past without much success. Her opinion is that I'm the one with problem

 

And I have to tell you , MOOSEYPOOOOOO, as a child of divorce, life was MUCH MUCH MUCH better for me when they split up and quit fighting than when they were together and miserable. If you think that childeren are better off just because both parents reside under the same roof, you are sadly , BADLY mistaken.

 

My position is that nobody should ever consider an affair. If the marriage is broken to that degree and there is no hope of it changing, then divorce and then go find someone to bed but don't do it while married.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by midlifecrazy

Truly, Lynnered, we were not. I guess it's the old story of thinking someone will change and come around to your way of thinking or feeling. Guess I was kind of slow because it took me about 10 years to realize that there ain't no way that was ever gonna happen.

same w/h my XMM !!

i didnt mean to seem so harsh it just pisses me off because thats the same issue with him ,all that stuff you said ,spending $$,out of shape etc HER.

the reason i said get out &some may disagree

sex &communication if feel are the most important things in a relationship ,if you have 1 you most likely will have the other ,if 2 people are not compatible your not happy shes not happy it builds resentment ,

the reason i asked because early on XMM once told me if i was in a relationship and hoped the person would change to just get out &he was right thats why i ended with him .

he was unhappy with her before he married her ,then why did the idiot marry her ?she got preg which he swears she did on purpose ,because he was ready to break up,he has been with her almost 10 years i believe,hes just scared to leave so ,he lost me &now he ims&emails like crazy ,because i was giving him what he wasnt getting love,good lovin,mostly communication!!!

you remind me of him,so i do want you to keep me updated !!

i know some people say save the marriage blah blah ,but doesnt everyone deserve to be happy?your not she doesnt sound happy ,you both sound sick &tired of being sick&tired,

and its only going to get worst ,i know some people might say the anal &oral is something you can go w/o ,maybe but she doesnt treat you with respect about it ,if i was with someone i loved &i just couldnt do something sexully i would find other ways to make them happy .

XMM called me his little pornstar ,i never did anal ,oral yes we had fun in bed because we COMMUNICATED ,i knew what he liked ,i loved him so i made the effort something she is not doing .

i would try MC if that does not work i would leave.

take care

[Moose]

Moi, My mother is on her 4rth husband. I know what it's like. I just happen to think that she too subscribes to the easy way out. Just like you and others who think that a bad situation can't be cured. There is no such thing in my mind. If you love someone enough to comitt the rest of your entire life to, you wouldn't even think twice about abandoning it.

 

I do understand if it's a matter of life or death sometimes and there are other situations. But in THIS case, the OP is seeking permission from his peers to dump all over his marriage and find someone who'll ride his, "balony pony", the way he wants it rode. This is no reason to piss all over his entire family just to satisfy his need for sex.

 

What I like about this forum is that even though he asked a closed question, we can respond with a different point of view. Mine happens to be no, don't leave your marriage, and no, don't go out and cheat. Instead, pull your head out of your butt and figure out a solution to the real problem. Work out the fighting and belittling, be a man and work on it.

My position is that nobody should ever consider an affair.

Good! Me too!

If the marriage is broken to that degree and there is no hope of it changing

In THIS case, it isn't. Their problems are normal in nature, and just about anyone with a little work and patience can fix it, he doesn't want to hear that. He wants to hear exactly what you told him.

So why should he remain there? In case maybe in another ten years she'll finally see the light and reform? How? She won't consider therapy.

What makes you the professional here? How do you know it's her that needs the therapy? You're only getting half of the picture anyway, but you're still quick to answer with, "divorce, bail, leave, get your piece"........that's what bugs the piss out of me, and what's really sad is that attitude is becoming more commonplace, it bites!

[moimeme]

My mother is on her 4rth husband. I know what it's like. I just happen to think that she too subscribes to the easy way out.

 

Maybe she does. Or maybe she chronically doesn't learn from her mistakes. It's not like this guy bailed at the first signs of trouble. He said he wanted to leave right at the start but didn't because she was pregnant. He's hung in there already for years and years. It's not a brand-new issue, Moose. It's longstanding, which is the big difference. He's already tried your way and nothing has changed. Time for a new plan.

 

There is no such thing in my mind. If you love someone enough to comitt the rest of your entire life to, you wouldn't even think twice about abandoning it.

 

People beat your love for them to death, Moose. They stab it multiple times until all the life bleeds out of it and there's nothing left. This woman has done this to him over the years. Yes, you're right that he might also be at fault, but that's the same with every LS problem posted. It may be that she used to be loving and he was awful to her and she shut down because of that. But whatever reason caused it, his love is dead and gone now, killed because of lack of care and attention.

 

What I like about this forum is that even though he asked a closed question, we can respond with a different point of view.

 

Fine. Do so. Do NOT speak for me, however.

 

Instead, pull your head out of your butt and figure out a solution to the real problem

and just about anyone with a little work and patience can fix it, he doesn't want to hear that.

 

If she refuses to participate in solving the problem, he cannot do thing one. He can't force her to go to counselling.

 

you're still quick to answer with, "divorce, bail, leave, get your piece"

 

In THIS case, Moose. For THESE circumstances. If you paid attention to my posts, you'd see that I have recommended the now-forbidden-to mention site which deals with builders of marriage in many, many, many cases. I have recommended counselling in many more. But this guy has tried to ask wifey to go for counselling and she refuses. This is a dead end; an impasse. He cannot fix this alone. She must participate and she won't. I suppose he could hypnotize her or beat her until she agreed, but short of that, since you're such a brilliant advisor in these situations, please explain how, exactly, he can get her to participate in this process. I'll be fascinated to read what you have to say about that.

 

You see, you actually decided to change yourself. You cannot equate your situation to that of others, where one partner has refused to be part of the solution.

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose-

 

I don't know your story so forgive me if I'm stepping on any toes here but I'm just wondering- have you ever been as lonely as this guy sounds? Have you ever ached for your partner to touch you so much that you cried yourself to sleep at night? Well I have, and it's a hard thing to control.

 

It's easy for people to say what you should do- especially if they have never been in that situation before.

 

I have been in that situation before. If she won't go to MC (whether or not she is at fault) then she doesn't want to work on her marriage, period. A good MC will be able to determine who really has the problem here and whether or not it's worth it for him to stay in this marriage.

 

His wifes comments about finding someone else if he wants to have sex?? I have read that most women say that when they just don't care about the relationship anymore.

 

Speaking as someone who has BTDT I still say he should end the marriage before he does anything further. In the end he will still have his self respect which means alot and no one else will get hurt.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Moose

Their problems are normal in nature, and just about anyone with a little work and patience can fix it...

 

I agree with Moose here. This is a pretty normal relationship problem. That doesn't make it easy to fix, but it's definately do-able. Of course, that depends on if there's any love left between these two. And it's not possible for either of them to assess that until the anger, resentment, and frustation are put away. You can't feel your softer emotions while you're in the heat of the red-hot ones. You have to put them aside, and see if the love is still there.

 

Midlifecrazy has chosen a user name that is probably reflective of how he feels. I don't think he has a clear understanding of exactly what it means though.

 

I posted this to someone else earlier today. The woman I posted it to is probably in a similar position to Mrs. Midlifecrazy.

 

Uggghhhh. The male midlife crisis. It makes you want to pull out your hair!

 

The first bit of advice I have for you is to schedule him an appointment with his medical doctor. I had great success in my marriage with getting my husband on a mild anti-depressant. I'm not a medical professional, but I really think there are chemical imbalances at work during this phase of life. Perhaps a loss of seratonin?

 

Make a list of all his other medical symptoms before he goes, and try to go with him if he'll allow it. Changes in sleeping patterns, problems in the digestive system, headaches...whatever you've noticed that's different no matter how small, may be important in diagnosis.

 

Familiarize yourself with the beast. Doing a google search of the words "male midlife crisis" will get you started.

 

I don't really think that a man who's living through it really understands how different he is through the eyes of his loved ones. All he knows is that he is dissatisfied. He's reevaluating all his choices in life, and coming up short. He thinks if only he could have done this or that different everything would be okay. He wonders if it's there's still time to make those changes, and if he's desparate enough in his feelings of frustration....he'll try to do just that.

 

A man in midlife crisis is already blaming you for ALL his unhappiness. You are the scapegoat, the reason why he didn't make the most of the opportunities life provided. DO NOT BECOME HIS ADVERSARY. He'll cast you in the role of 'mama', and act like a teenager trying to pull one over on you in secret. Don't play. You're his wife, and his partner. You're not running his life, or making choices for him.

 

It's okay to set boundaries though. Make them what you absolutely NEED to continue being his wife. Not your WANTS, but your NEEDS....the biggies, things like fidelity and fiscal responsibility.

 

Make sure he understands that his happiness is important to you. Plan A him like crazy. Tell him how wonderful he is, stoke his ego. And give his as much SF as he can handle. (It's good exersize and will increase seratonin. )

 

He's focused on the OW as the source of his hope for happiness. You can put her out of business by providing a happy distraction at home.

 

You've got to be thick-skinned here, because he's going to hurt your feelings from time to time. There's a REASON they call it a CRISIS. So, keep that in mind when he's being ugly to you.

 

I have lived this myself. It's no picnic. A woman who is on the receiving end of the male midlife crisis has got no clue as why her man is treating her that way. All she knows is that he hates her and blames her for EVERYTHING.

 

Mrs. Midlifecrazy is probably NOT unaware that her husband feels contempt for her. How could she help but to "flinch away" from him under those circumstances? How is she going to find the sex goddess within under conditions like that? All she sees is that he treats her like she's the root of all his troubles, and then wants to use her body for sexual gratification.

 

And speaking of which.....these sexual problems are ALSO surmountable. They stem from the misunderstanding of each partner's most basic needs in the relationship. I guarentee you that Mrs. Midlifecrazy doesn't understand how a man's sex drive is keyed into his need for emotional support. By the same token, I doubt very much that Midlifecrazy understands the need for building up his wife's self-esteem in order for her to let her love goddess out.

 

Here's a link to an interesting discussion on the subject of Male Sex Drive & Female Ambivalance: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/

 

I would also recommend that if there is ANY interest in saving the marriage, that they both read His Needs / Her Needs by Harley

 

I liked this post written some time ago here at LS by Flavius. I think it describes very aptly WHY a person might want to reconcile a marriage of long standing.

 

Look at it this way. No matter who you are with there is always someone else out there better: prettier, sexier, smarter, richer, etc. And if you spend your whole life looking for a better deal, you'll find one. Problem is, you've spent your life, not invested it.

 

I fell in love with my wife because she was cute and nice and crazy about me. She still is all those things 20 years later, but now there's something more, and it's something I cannot find anywhere else: it's because it's HER. We have a life shared together, and that is absolutely irreplaceable. The life I gave her is part of her, and the life she gave me is part of me. Without her, I'm just not myself.

 

If Midlifecrazy can identify with any part of that, then maybe he should consider doing what is necessary to exhaust his options on reconciliation. If after a frank appraisal, uncolored by angry emotions, he finds that he has no love for his wife....then he's still just "doin' time" and ought to move on.