dump a bad marriage for an old love?

[Bubbles]

This post is strickly MY opinion. I am not speaking for midlifecrazy....... it is HIS life and HIS marriage not mine. The opinions expressed below are my own. - bubbles

 

 

If she was molested in her youth which apparantly started at the age of five? and continued on throughout her life?...and she has never said anything to him? Nope.....that's not working for me. If an abuse happens over and over and over again? It is definatly something that she would have discussed with him willingly; previous to this present time.... and to be unwilling to discuss it with him now? Nope.......I'm not accepting it.

 

If it were me I would be contacting her family to validate or assist her in some sort of "recovery" of their marriage.

 

I was molested 4 times as a youngster. I also understand how insecure and used a person may feel........but thinking about midlefecrazy.....what about HIS feelings and need to have a happy marriage? What is he to do now? Sit around and wait for her to decide to open up? Geesh that could take 20 years......you know? Look at how long it has taken him to get THIS information!!! I'm not saying he should leave her but I would be contacting her family today! if not sooner!

 

 

bubbles

[Mz. Pixie]

Bubbles, I see your points you are making but............

 

some people never tell- not a therapist, not their best friend, not their spouse- or their clergy. Never.

 

MLC- I'm sorry you're feeling guilty but don't. You have nothing to feel guilty from. It was her responsibility to tell you -otherwise how could you have known?

[Bubbles]

Yes, I guess you are right Mz. Pixie but she SHOULD have told someone. Now her husband is left with a feeling that he is useless to her. I guess it's midlifecrazy's job now to help her.......or leave.

 

I ask this......if she's not willing to talk about it and is not willing to work on her marriage with her husband then what should he do? Are we expected to stick around if our spouces are not willing to work on things? and how long can he be expected to stay true to her without any form of physical love and attention?

 

midlifecrazy, when is your next councelling session? Has she changed her mind and decided that she will attend with you?

 

bubbles

[Moose]

Are we expected to stick around if our spouces are not willing to work on things?

I suppose this is why we really need to respect our vows when we say them. And to mean them when we say them too. In other words, I believe we should. That's what we promised to do when we said for better or for worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health..............that's why I'd like to catch Mr. Terry S. out in public.......

[Bubbles]

But Moose........I was in a sexless marriage (my doing...if you read the post about my alcoholic ex husband with stinky breath) I stuck it out longer than I should have and ended up almost hating him because I was lonely. Do you think if I had really loved him (which i did) I should have stuck around? Even though he refused to admit that he had a drinking problem, was abusive to the children and NOT THERE for me? I should have stayed?

 

I hope I don't sound like I am argueing......let me know if I do o.k.? I am just asking questions......

 

 

bubbles

[Moose]

If your spouse is physically or mentally abusive to you or your children, by all means get the heck out! I have no doubt that you loved your ex, people like him don't change unless something severely drastic happens in their life. By you leaving, that may have been what he was needing to happen. If he didn't think he's hit rock bottom after that, then he's a lost cause.

 

Had your husband been what I call, a "Happy Drunk", didn't abuse you or your kids in any way, and provided for the entire family on a consistant basis......and the only thing lacking is the frequency of sex......then yes, I would have to say stay, stick it out, try everything possible within your power to help fix it before you decide to leave.

[Bubbles]

He was never home Moose and when he was......he could hardly tolerate the babies because he was drunk and they were "noisy" to him. He was never phsically abusive to us.....I would have killed him myself never mind leaving him but all the same.......he acted like a border rather than a husband and father.

 

Knowing that......should I have stayed? He did'nt see the need to change. BTW I was married for 10 years.

 

 

bubbles

[Moose]

Where you aware of his condition before you married him?

[Bubbles]

He was'nt like this before. He turned into this after we got married. He changed I guess because he was'nt happy.

 

bubbles

[Moose]

Originally posted by Bubbles

He was'nt like this before. He turned into this after we got married. He changed I guess because he was'nt happy.

 

bubbles

That's a shame........I'm assuming you've tried everything you could....if it had been me in your shoes, I'd personally feel obligated to stay and learn to cope for as long as I possibly can and pray that there would be a light somewhere in there. BUT, I can understand why some wouldn't and that's ok too. It's a matter of preference really.

[Bubbles]

So then knowing that I stayed and I tried but was unsuccessful - what do you say to the o/p? His wife has admitted that she has had something happen that is affecting their relationship and is unwilling to work on it?

 

Do you maintain the stance for better...for worse? I think the poster is in pretty much the same situation as I was. She is neglecting him. She will not deal with HER issues and he is lonely...........do you still say stay?

 

 

bubbles

[Moose]

In this particular instance, yes. I think he should stay. They are both making great progress, (her finally opening up to him, and him realizing there's more to this marriage than sex).....and when there's progress there's still hope.

[Bubbles]

I guess you are right.......I'm just afraid that she is not going to open up and string him along. Correct me if I am wrong but I though the o/p said that she was unwilling to talk or see the cousellor again.

 

bubbles

[midlifecrazy]

Bubbles I don't think she's lying about it if that's what you mean. I beleive her. It just seems to make so much sense to me now. She hasn't refused to talk to me about it anymore. We just haven't had the "alone" time to do it.

 

It seems to me she was so traumatized that she's just kept it absolutely buried inside her. I suspect who might have done it. He is a famiy member but not immediate family and lives a thousand miles away now. My inner monster would really like to come out and go visit him with a Louisville Slugger and just play for a bit. But that wouldn't solve anything now. It's not a male territorial thing. Its the fact that he hurt someone I love so badly.

 

The way her telling me about it was this. I was watching Pat Croce Moving In on TV. It was about a 3o year marriage breaking up. She asked if I loved her. I asked why she would ask that. She said because I liked to watch shows like that about breakups, marital problems etc. I told her I loved her but I thought we had problems. I then said that I didn't feel loved by her even though she said she did and that I couldn't help feeling that way.

 

 

She then seemed to turn the talk to our sex problems. She said she didn't know why she didn't have those feelings. I said maybe a was a hormone thing and she should ask a doctor about it.

 

First revelation, she said she already had. She told me she had asked her gynecoligist why she didn't have any desire for sex with her husband. Now get this! This ****ing idiot of a quack told her "well you must just not love him".

I knew she never liked that guy but I never knew exactly why. She changed docs soon anyway. Didn't have him too long but long enough to stifle one of her attempts do deal with things. I guess afer that she didn't want bring it up again for fear of something similar happening again. It did show me however that she did know there was a problem and had at least made an effort.

 

This doc had been well into our marriage and I said we really had had problems almost from the very start. That's when she said she thought it was because of stuff that had happend to her and I found out.

[Bubbles]

midlifecrazy,

 

I really, really feel sorry for you. I can't imagine knowing that there is something wrong with your relationship and not knowing exactly what it is and what you can do to rememdy it. I gotta give it to you though.......you obviously love her very much because you are so willing to go through the motions with her to improve things but what is SHE doing to make things better?

 

I was molested when I was a child and I basically dealt with it in my own way.....by downplaying the importance of those incidence in my life. I am not in denial that those things took place but I don't usually allow it to affect a relationship that I am in.

 

She needs help. She needed help years ago. Asking people for a clinical solution is not getting to the bottom of things. Have you verbalised your distate for this man out loud in front of her? If so, what was her reaction? I know if it was myself I would feel totally releived that MY man wants to go "Bolistic" on this man that hurt me! and that on it's own would turn me on! That's not MY solution to fix the sex issue for you but maybe if she would understand that you are on her "team" she may feel easier about talking.

 

bubbles

[Moose]

Actually, I don't know if it's a good idea to bring up how he feels towards the offender. Too many mental images could enter her mind and that's the last thing she needs right now.

 

Just knowing that her husband loves her and is willing to stick to her side should suffice.

 

Once again MLC.....Excellent Job!

[Bubbles]

I don't agree with you Moose. I really think she needs to know that SOMEONE (her hubby) is one HER side and is willing to take action to defend her if it is necessary!

 

This isn't a "turn the other cheek" situation......she was molested and NOT protected!!! I personally would fell elated.

 

 

bubbles

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by midlifecrazy

She told me she had asked her gynecoligist why she didn't have any desire for sex with her husband. Now get this! This ****ing idiot of a quack told her "well you must just not love him".

 

Unfortunately, we all give and receive the same advice about this..."see your GYN regarding your low sex drive", and then.... when we finally screw up our nerve to do it....it's not taken seriously enough.

 

I thought it was just my crummy GYN who wasn't listening. When she and I had this talk a few years ago, her answer was, "well, that's kind of normal for a woman your age".

 

This is a great lesson to us all to be proactive, and insist on treatment.

 

Ditto what Moose said, btw...."Excellent job!". You're really making great strides.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Bubbles

I really think she needs to know that SOMEONE (her hubby) is one HER side and is willing to take action to defend her if it is necessary!

 

This isn't a "turn the other cheek" situation......she was molested and NOT protected!!! I personally would fell elated.

 

I don't know, Bubbles...If she wasn't fearful of reaction, she'd have probably told before now. The fact that she didn't, could tell us that maybe she's afraid of strong reaction. (????)

[Moose]

Originally posted by Bubbles

I don't agree with you Moose. I really think she needs to know that SOMEONE (her hubby) is one HER side and is willing to take action to defend her if it is necessary!

 

This isn't a "turn the other cheek" situation......she was molested and NOT protected!!! I personally would fell elated.

 

 

bubbles

I agree with you on the point that she needs to know he's on her side. (that point is obvious). But he can do this without the insertion of violence or graphic details such as sluggin' the guy with a ball bat, or "by golly, if he were here right now, why I'd kick his arse".........just that sentence alone brings a mental picture of this guy being in her house, and her husband's foot going up his butt......this is something that I don't feel would be a good thing for her at this point.......just my opinion.

[midlifecrazy]

She knew how I felt about her grandfather early on and this was before I ever knew of the extent of his depravity. I think she had only told me at the time that sometimes he tried to put his hands on her and her sisters knees in anything but a grandfatherly fashion. That plus some comments he'd made and his general demeanor was enough for me. After the birth of our daughter I may have made it plain how I felt about him ever being around her and what might happen if he ever touched her. Fortunately he did the world a favor and soon died.

 

Couple that with the facts that I am well armed and know how to use them and that on a few rare occasions Mrs has seen my "monster" emerge when my loved ones were wronged and that may have contributed to her not telling me about the abuse. I think the main reason was that she had a misplaced sense of shame. You've got to remember that this happened over 40 years ago when such things weren't generally talked about. It those days it was an absolute scandal if a girl got pregnant before marriage let alone have a child out of wedlock. Now imagine an innocent child going through something like this. Talk about repressing stuff!

 

We are in the very early phases of at last coming to grips with this. I am really very hopeful. I hope she eventually wants counselling. I think it will help. Right now though we still have a lot of talking to do between ourselves. This whole process is just getting started.I don't know how to explain this but as bad as I feel about what happened to her, I feel unexpectedly almost giddy(?) Maybe its not "hallejulah she loves me again" but "hallejulah she always did"? And I do feel a new rush of love for her thats shes been through this and done as well as she has, raising a wonderful family, great well adjusted kids and grandkids.

[Moose]

Not to sound too Mr. Rogers on you, but you sure are a Trooper........have a good weekend MLC!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by midlifecrazy

We are in the very early phases of at last coming to grips with this. I am really very hopeful. I hope she eventually wants counselling. I think it will help. Right now though we still have a lot of talking to do between ourselves. This whole process is just getting started.I don't know how to explain this but as bad as I feel about what happened to her, I feel unexpectedly almost giddy(?) Maybe its not "hallejulah she loves me again" but "hallejulah she always did"? And I do feel a new rush of love for her thats shes been through this and done as well as she has, raising a wonderful family, great well adjusted kids and grandkids.

 

Hope is GOOD. This last paragraph brought happy tears to my eyes. It made me remember how good it felt to be close with my own sweetie again, after all the time that had gone by.

 

I'm hopeful that you will get there too. Amazing progress.

[midlifecrazy]

Long weekend, I knew it was going to be a busy one with too much going on to carry on a talk with Mrs so I planned on doing it first thing Monday AM. Of course early Monday the phone woke us up with a "call to duty" that would end up taking most of the day. Before we got up I told her I had been planning a talk and we really needed to carve out sometime to ourselves. I mentioned I had considered taking the phone off the hook so we wouldn't be bothered. Lucky I hadn't. It wasn't a dire emergency but it was one that did require our attention. When she asked what I wanted to talk about I just said everything. Bless her heart, she then asked if I wanted to make love, offering a "quickie" I guess.

 

I told her that wasn't it. I then said that I was sorry if anything I'd ever said or done or asked her to do had ever brought up bad memories for her. She said that I couldn't have known. This is true but she didn't say that it hadn't happened. That was about it. We got up and got busy.

 

Tuesday AM I tried again. This time I told her I thought I was going to go get some counseling. She asked why. I told her because I was depressed. She said I didn't seem depressed. I said I was having a hard time dealing with everything. I wanted to make love to her but was almost afraid to touch her now for fear of how she was really feeling about it. She said she wished now she had never told me about the molestation. I told her it was important she had because I had been having serious doubts about whether we would stay together because before that information it had seemed to me that she just didn't care how I felt.

 

She said it didn't bother her for me to touch her. Somehow or another we did end up making love. It was nice and a week and a half ahead or our normal

schedule.

 

As i wrote that I just recalled, I think Moose said something early on about getting up and not having sex while you're trying to have a serious discussion. That probably would have been the better idea because that was the end of the talk and all I established was that yes I can still make love to her. Baby steps it seems.

 

The euphoria over finding out that the main problem was not a lack of her

loving me has eased down a bit. While I think now I would feel like a first class heel (how's that for archaic) if I left her over a meager sex life between us, what if that is my primary "love language" Am I being noble or unrealistic to think that if our sex life were to continue on exactly as it is I can accept it happily and without resentment? I definetly am going for the counseling.

[josephanthony69]

Originally posted by midlifecrazy

I have so much crap going on in my head I don't know whether to sheet or go blind. Been married a long time, basically a sexless marriage the whole time. Not completely though because there were kids. I did my duty and have stayed until they were all raised and on their own.The thought of divorce first entered my mind nearly 20 years ago. But because of the kids I sucked it up, buckled down and served my time.

 

The sex thing is a huge problem in our marriage. She won't do oral sex on me (I love to do her) and if I suggest anal sex she accuses me of being gay. I consider myself a skilled lover but she only wants what she wants. She barely ever touches me anywhere and never strokes my penis. If she happens to get semen on her she acts like its battery acid and can't wait to jump up run to the bathroom and wash it off. I should add I am a well built nice looking guy. On the rare occasions we do make love it is completely predictable. She masturbates until she gets a little interested then lets me do it to her (and I better be quick about it) and then we're done. Anymore I find myself actually trying to avoid having sex with her at all because of her selfish, taking attitude. And when I do do it, I feel disgusted with myself for giving in to her.

 

Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture. (geez when you write out it sounds really, really bad).

 

Our fights and squabbles have been escalating in intensity. I take these relationship quizzes and they indicate imminent and total breakdown. I just don't see spending the rest of my life like this. The truth is I was ready to break up with her all those long years ago when I was just a stupid kid. Then she got pregnant (don't worry I won't get pregnant, she said). I know, I know I shouldn't have had sex with her if that was the way I felt but what can I say. I've paid a helluva price for that indiscretion.

 

I've never been unfaithful but that's going to change. I've made up my mind that she is not going to be the last woman I make love to,

 

And now something else in the mix. A girl I fell in love with before her is on the edges of my life again. She was my dream girl, everything I wanted. It was a summer fling. But I thought there were some mixed signals. Then a supposed friend stabbed me in the back by lying about her. I was told she was already pregnant by someone else who was away in the army and was going to marry him when he got back. Like a fool, I didn't talk to her about it. I thought I shouldn't come between a man and his family. I simply walked away went off to college and tried to forget about it.

 

Now I find her in the area again. I saw her from a distance but I haven't approached her yet. I've also learned that though married she is childless.

I honest to God think I married the wrong woman and that "friend" and his lie ruined a lot of lives.

 

So, what do I do, divorce?, try to rekindle the old flame? have an affair with her, steal from her hubby? leave her alone and go after someone else?

 

What do you say?

 

Listen guy - don't feel too bad..seems women go through midlife crisis - they call it menopause. Men in some cases go through it because of woman's midlife crisis - it's called lack of nooky for us. Met a guy who was married 32 years and had just recently divorced - said his wife felt they had done enough in life, both sexually and otherwise so just get comfortable - but he didn't. Been married for bout the same now and enjoyed normal sexual apetite with her - a lot of times only when was in the mood. Always figured that was the way it was because it's about making love not just plain old sex. Well, there is both!! Every relationship should be 50-50 and it's taken a long time to realize that you can say yes dear most of the time, but not always - even with a woman you love and adore!! Not sure what is gonna happen, but life can be very interesting with change!! When you get too comfortable, for either partner, you get taken for granted - never get that comfortable!! Today, life is about changes - we see it every day!! a number of the people in middle age feel that they don't have to "move their cheese", but let me tell you - it is about moving the cheese!! We are all living a lot longer, so no more is it the case that we "die" at 50 - and besides - bring on the pills - LMAO!! Guess I've been looking for confirmation recently and ran into an old buddy who said his father - at 86 - was still enjoying making love with the finer women in his life!! Maybe not as often, but damn it - go for it!! The lawyers need to change the mind set that life is about "life partners" because not always are we the same people throughout our lives - we all change - sometimes together with the one we love, sometimes not!! As bubbles says about the comfort zone - it may be comfortable, but remember the excitement of being uncomfortable - the running of the race - the adrenalin rush!! It is about the jazz - and if the jazz is gone - go find it again - whether it's working through your problems with the love of your life - or whatever!! Life is about choices - right up until the time you die you get to make them - the dieing part is not a choice!!

 

Originally posted by Bubbles

midlifecrazy,

 

I feel that your focus on this ex-girlfriend only to be a "comfort zone" for you. When you think about her you feel good about yourself, you feel good inside. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a sexless, loveless marriage with children and was NOT attracted to my husband. Besides the fact that he was drunk everyday of the week - he just did not listen (as a lover) I told him quite frankly the things that I liked and what I did'nt like and he still just continued on his way to do what made him feel good.

 

So as you feel now; I felt then. I also focused on a past lover and thought how "good" that was. But that is the point....key word here..."was".

 

You need to put things right in your life first. If you feel that you are ready to crawl into bed with another person, then that is a very obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship you are currently in. Don't insult yourself by having an affair and getting caught. When you get caught? all the things that you will plead drove you to this will fall on deaf ears. You will then be labelled a "cheater" and that on it's own outweighs her lack of zest in the bedroom.

 

I'm going to repeat what I said......If you are thinking about getting into bed with someone other than your spouce - you are clearly ready to leave. Unless your wife is willing to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom to at least make it exciting for you? Move on.

 

bubbles

 

Bubbles - sounds like you "changed" the comfort zone on him and he forgot to stay on his toes!! That is where part of the excitement is - in the discovery process!! A lot of things have changed in life around us - keep looking for the next change - it can be pretty neat!! Sex and making love is no longer just about slam bam ty mam!! Women have discovered they can be sexy too and it is all right!! They have needs just like men have and now it's ok to voice them, express them. You go for it girl!! and btw...+15?? damn..doesn't look like you are the girl with the skinny legs!! lol...