My bf is lying and hiding things regarding an older (than me) woman.

[tiagram333]

A few months ago I found this lady in my bf's phone saved under a different name, i got mad and upset. He told me they don't have "that kind of relationship"& this lady is like his mentor who helps him out business wise.

Ever since I found that I've been watching him closely. So one day I decided to call her and she reassured me they are just friends. She said "I'm old enough to be his Mom" now mind you, this woman is in her 40's but she looks younger. My bf is 25 y/o. She occasionally cleans at my boyfriend business. One night last week is when my gut started telling me i can't be OK with them being friends…my bf told me how she asked him "is that Kelly on the phone?" - questioning him if he is talking to his own gf. And then she was comparing her vs me. That night, the alarm at the business went off, she was scared & called him to get over to his place fast. Then when he got there She said "If this were Kelly, you would have came here quicker..you don't care about me or my safety." Few days later i watched the tapes back & saw he was hugging her, touching her hair, and comforting her …but it was too friendly. He hugged her 3 times….he said he did it bc she was crying.

She also went with my bf to pick up his first motorcycle…I was ok with this due to the fact that he told me she knows about bikes,but then when they got there she didnt even help him look at the motorcycle. she sat in his car…and later she told me she used to ride dirt bikes… which is totally different than motorcycles.

I think she is a manipulator & he is falling for it. There is something strange . I told him it s ME OR HER, (want him to cut her off) and he said YOU-- but then a few days later i found out he had lied to me and was still emailing her… she still worked at his business one night and they were still talking on the phone. He is making it so much more difficult to cut her off for good than it has to be…and he is putting the blame on ME saying I'm "jealous, insecure" which I'm not..he gave me a reason to be.

Ive found emails between them calling one another nick names, he sent her a picture of a heart one time…and she asked to go to lunch with him.

This is all too weird for me and i don't feel comfortable with them being "friends" anymore but he isn't acting…he is just telling me "yea she's out of my life…don't worry, trust me.." then i find him lying. He changed all of his email passwords so i don't know if they still are talking.

He is making me out to be the BAD one, but asking to cut her off, and how he "helps her out" etc. but I'm seriously sick of all of this and her!

[ktya]

You are jealous and insecure.

 

A 40 yo woman wouldn't hold a candle to a 25 year old girl unless she was absolutely incredible looking (and I know one girl in particular who at over 40 is so it's possible) but chances are he just likes having a female friend and regards her as safe due to her age.

 

I'm 37 and given the choice between your average young looking 40 year old and a girl your age I'd go for the girl your age 19 times out of 20. If I was 25 and had a choice it would be 20/20.

 

If any thing is happening it's because you are jealous and insecure you are driving him towards her.

 

Just stop. Drop it.

[smackie9]

It is not fair to make your partner feel uncomfortable, but he is doing that to you. This woman is over stepping her boundaries as a friend, you BF is over stepping his boundaries by not telling this woman her behavior is inappropriate for a professional relationship. They are having an emotional affair and now he is hiding it. You already gave him an ultimatum, and he lied to you, so now it's time to kick him to the curb.

[ja123]

It seem she's interested in him more than just friends.

 

 

If he needs a mentor for business or life there are other people / organisations he could reach out to. She's not the only person on the planet, and just because she is older it doesn't mean she knows everything.

 

 

He needs to be honest with himself what he's getting out of this relationship with her. If he thinks it's for guidance, then he should join a small business group, get a small business coach for youths, join meetup dot com, etc.

 

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this relationship, if I were you.

[Elle1975]

Since you aren't happy with his behavior, and he's kept on lying over and over, I am not sure why you need to torture yourself and stay in this relationship.

 

The age doesn't matter. She could be 20, and it would still be a problem.

 

In a nutshell, this really isn't insecurity. Drop him and get someone respectful of you.

 

As for the 37/20.. that's pseudo science, and if anything it means you are interested in the sex, and not in the emotional connection.

[Space Ritual]

A few months ago I found this lady in my bf's phone saved under a different name, i got mad and upset. He told me they don't have "that kind of relationship"& this lady is like his mentor who helps him out business wise.

Ever since I found that I've been watching him closely. So one day I decided to call her and she reassured me they are just friends. She said "I'm old enough to be his Mom" now mind you, this woman is in her 40's but she looks younger. My bf is 25 y/o. She occasionally cleans at my boyfriend business. One night last week is when my gut started telling me i can't be OK with them being friends…my bf told me how she asked him "is that Kelly on the phone?" - questioning him if he is talking to his own gf. And then she was comparing her vs me. That night, the alarm at the business went off, she was scared & called him to get over to his place fast. Then when he got there She said "If this were Kelly, you would have came here quicker..you don't care about me or my safety." Few days later i watched the tapes back & saw he was hugging her, touching her hair, and comforting her …but it was too friendly. He hugged her 3 times….he said he did it bc she was crying.

She also went with my bf to pick up his first motorcycle…I was ok with this due to the fact that he told me she knows about bikes,but then when they got there she didnt even help him look at the motorcycle. she sat in his car…and later she told me she used to ride dirt bikes… which is totally different than motorcycles.

I think she is a manipulator & he is falling for it. There is something strange . I told him it s ME OR HER, (want him to cut her off) and he said YOU-- but then a few days later i found out he had lied to me and was still emailing her… she still worked at his business one night and they were still talking on the phone. He is making it so much more difficult to cut her off for good than it has to be…and he is putting the blame on ME saying I'm "jealous, insecure" which I'm not..he gave me a reason to be.

Ive found emails between them calling one another nick names, he sent her a picture of a heart one time…and she asked to go to lunch with him.

This is all too weird for me and i don't feel comfortable with them being "friends" anymore but he isn't acting…he is just telling me "yea she's out of my life…don't worry, trust me.." then i find him lying. He changed all of his email passwords so i don't know if they still are talking.

He is making me out to be the BAD one, but asking to cut her off, and how he "helps her out" etc. but I'm seriously sick of all of this and her!

 

Trust your gut....

[scatterd]

As far as being a older woman age does not matter to some guys.I am 53 and younger men have tried to pick up on me many times. This woman should have respect for your relationship . If you feel uncomfortable with her then

your mate needs to respect your feelings. I can see how you feel the way you do. She should be a friend to both of you not just him.

[gaius]

Lot's of older women out there that have sexual feelings for men younger than they but don't go for it because "I'm old enough to be his mother". That kind of thing is still a huge stigma.

 

He already lied once so he's probably going to keep lying about it. =/ Guess you just have to figure out if you can accept that or not.

[smackie9]

This is an old thread the OP hasn't been back yet to give us an update.

[melodymatters]

You are jealous and insecure.

 

A 40 yo woman wouldn't hold a candle to a 25 year old girl unless she was absolutely incredible looking (and I know one girl in particular who at over 40 is so it's possible) but chances are he just likes having a female friend and regards her as safe due to her age.

 

I'm 37 and given the choice between your average young looking 40 year old and a girl your age I'd go for the girl your age 19 times out of 20. If I was 25 and had a choice it would be 20/20.

 

If any thing is happening it's because you are jealous and insecure you are driving him towards her.

 

Just stop. Drop it.

 

Wow ! That is crappy advice based on YOUR world view. My current husband was a colleague of mine, in his mid 20's, who had recently LEFT his overweight, abusive, white trash 25 yr old girlfriend and we got together a few months later. Been married three years now

 

I'm in my 40's, had been widowed for 2.5 yrs and after dating three 40 something guys who all ended up having issues, I decided to have a "fling" with my now husband who had always had a crush on me but didn't ask me out until he was officially single.

 

25 isn't always better than 40, and the OP should INDEED trust her gut ! I didn't PLAN on anything serious with my now husband but emotional bonds can form between the most unlikely people. And BTW, I'm still nearly 20 yrs older than her but by viewing her FB updates and pics, ( which I only do because it seems yearly she "checks" to see if he's still married to me by writing him, which he ignores) I could still "steal" any of her boyfriends, any day, any time. A pic of me and my husbands wedding is in my profile. Now go look at the fat, 20 something, over tattooed chicks in sweat pants at your local Walmart and still tell me "No how, No way".

[gaius]

A pic of me and my husbands wedding is in my profile. Now go look at the fat, 20 something, over tattooed chicks in sweat pants at your local Walmart and still tell me "No how, No way".

Should look at the one of you all decked out next to the other woman while he's at it.

[melodymatters]

Should look at the one of you all decked out next to the other woman while he's at it.

 

Thank you Gaius ! Honestly, the only reason it's there is because I'm so sick of reading crap like that from guys like him ! I'm 47, cut my own hair most of the year, buy makeup from the dollar store and most of my clothes from thrift shops, so this is not a "Sure she can be pretty in her 40's if she's a rich Hollywood actress" scenario. It's what a LOT of 40 something women who make a bit of effort look like nowadays ! I went to a rock club with my husband and was a TAD worried that I would feel badly next to all the 20 somethings. Now I call them the " Chunky, Drunky, 20-somethings":lmao:. I swear, most of them were so overweight, drunk and obnoxious, my 60 something mother could have given them a run for their money !

[Elle1975]

Lot's of older women out there that have sexual feelings for men younger than they but don't go for it because "I'm old enough to be his mother". That kind of thing is still a huge stigma.

 

He already lied once so he's probably going to keep lying about it. =/ Guess you just have to figure out if you can accept that or not.

 

I don't go for it because I want a man, not a boy.

 

It's not a stigma, it's just not what I want. It's not what turns me on. I like men my age, a few years older, but I have no interests in younger men.

[gaius]

I don't go for it because I want a man, not a boy.

 

It's not a stigma, it's just not what I want. It's not what turns me on. I like men my age, a few years older, but I have no interests in younger men.

Almost word for word what my ex said before I nudged her into dating me. And boy she didn't regret it.

 

You really can't imagine yourself dating someone with all the qualities older guys usually bring but in a younger body? There are a few of them out there. And a lot of women seem more susceptible to it than they first realize. If the guy from the thread topic was more of a man he'd stop with the girlfriend nonsense and nudge the older woman he's obviously into into dating him.

[smackie9]

I like younger men....more energy.

[Thicke2013]

Age doesn't matter. It is the connection. If you really think age doesn't matter then why didn't he stop when his GF asked him to? I am 34 and my soon to be wife is 48. She is a knockout by all standards! We went through a divorce at almost the exact same time. I liked her no nonsense outlook on life. I was tired of playing games and she is very direct as am I. We connected on every level and she is honestly the love of my life. At 34 I am hardly a boy with 3 kids of my own, my own job, my own money, etc. I wasn't after anything with her except for her.

 

Take the age out of it and this relationship still stinks. If he loved you like he tells you he does he would stop when you make him feel uncomfortable or he would do anything necessary to put your mind at ease. He hasn't done that. Life is too short for playing games. Give him the ultimatum and be prepared to walk when he doesn't stick with it.

[Elle1975]

Sure, age does matter, with a few exceptions.

 

"Age doesn't matter" is throw around as a way to justify being 40 sleeping with a 20 y old girl; or marrying a woman 15 years older when one knows it's not the norm and one tries to force the concept on everybody else.

 

Age might not "matter" when you're younger, sure, but turn 45 and you all let me know if you will pursue a 65 y old woman.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Elle1975

[Thicke2013]

Sure, age does matter, with a few exceptions.

 

"Age doesn't matter" is throw around as a way to justify being 40 sleeping with a 20 y old girl; or marrying a woman 15 years older when one knows it's not the norm and one tries to force the concept on everybody else.

 

Age might not "matter" when you're younger, sure, but turn 45 and you all let me know if you will pursue a 65 y old woman.

 

 

Maybe I should rephrase and say age doesn't matter to some. It obviously matters to you and that is okay for you. For me and many others it does not. I have met 40 somethings that are more immature than 20 somethings and vice versa. In my case it was about finding someone who was looking for the same things out of life. In my situation women around my age were still interested in clubbing and partying. I was looking for something different. I found that in my fiance'.

 

For the OP, giving her advise of "age doesn't matter" when her BF has clearly shown that he has no intention of stopping a relationship with this OW speaks for itself. Age aside, he continues to pursue a relationship with her after his GF has asked him to stop and he said he would. In this case I would say that "age doesn't matter", his actions do.

 

Also, I am not forcing my views on anyone. I don't recall asking you to consider dating or marrying anyone. To each their own.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Thicke2013

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't go for it because I want a man, not a boy.

 

It's not a stigma, it's just not what I want. It's not what turns me on. I like men my age, a few years older, but I have no interests in younger men.

 

Haha oh my goodness. I've echoed those same sentiments at many points in my life

 

I've always been attracted to and dated men older than me. When I plunged back into the dating pool in my early 40's, I held on to those beliefs until I finally "broke down" and took a young man up on going out on a date with him. After that experience I realized my perceptions of dating younger men was based on conjecture and nothing more.

 

Since then, I made a conscious effort to be open to ALL possibilities yet remain discerning (of course) and as a result have dated men of a variety of ages from early twenties to mid fifties (I'm 45).

 

of course you can't paint every man with the same brush BUT it's been my humble experience that there are MANY "men" who still behave like little "boys". If that's fine with you, great. For ME, that is a HUGE turnoff regardless of age but ESPECIALLY when they should already know better.

 

At the end of the day, the reason one chooses to date within a certain age range or not has more to do with what they're looking for in a partner and relationship. Obviously if one partner is still in the clubbing and partying phase of their life while the other is looking to settle down and nest, the odds are stacked against them. If a couple is on the same page about life and love and anything else, they're already ahead of the curve in my humble opinion. Age be damned.

 

To each their own indeed.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle