Seriously twisted

[Zuull]

Okay. So here it is: my situation that is. I met

a woman (24) a couple years ago. Let's call her Storm. I was instantly attached and while we worked together, we were nearly inseparable. Here's kicker number one: she's gay and I'm a guy. We got close for sure and after a few months she withdrew herself. I was very careful not to fall for her and I honestly didn't! (She was gay and therefore I didn't have a chance. I suspect, however, that she sort of began to have Feelings for me and that is why, perhaps, she withdrew from me. We actually lost contact for about a year. Then we got in contact again via Facebook and would just casually "run into" each other from time to time. Here's where the twisting begins. I found out that she had moved and only lived right down the road from me; so i insisted we hang out which she agreed to. Come to find out, though, the guy (40's) she was living with was not a good fella. He was creepy and a heroin addict and when she wouldn't do what he wanted her to do, like love him, he would get unfriendly. So i told her to come live with me. I never honestly expected her to take me up on this offer but she did. She moved in with me a couple days later. Now, some back story: when i first met her, she was a month sober from heroin. She ended up making it to nine months and relapsed and had not recovered since then. She wanted to though (yes seriously, she did. Don't question me! Lol) so i told her that she could live with me if she didn't use in my house or bring anything or anyone disagreeable into my house. If she did, i would kick her out. Further background: i have my mother, sister, sister's husband, and their son living with me also. (I know. Full house.) So needles to say, my friend, Storm, lived with me, in my room, and in my bed with me. (For the guys questioning at this moment, yes. She's out of this world, gorgeous. ) and no. She and I have not done anything. Only one night when she was in emotional turmoil over, who knows, she asked me to hold her while we fell asleep and so i did. And it was a simple arm around her waist and, per her request, gently caressing her bare arm. But that really didn't feel intimate. So anyway. .... The next night (i think) i caught her passed out from a minor overdose on my porch. I love her in an unconditional kind of way. So not romantically. Just always forgiving, slow to anger, always kind and putting others (her) before me. That being said, i wasn't angry. I helped her back to the bed and went searching. I found her stash and disposed of it. (I will be honest at this point however. I admit that it had been a struggle not falling for her. I mean c'mon! Can't live and sleep with a woman and not fall in love or at least struggle! That and she didn't make it easy. Like doing things for me. Cooking. Cleaning. Making my dinner plate. I never asked her to do any of that. Or if she hadn't seen me all day, she'd nearly knock me over with a big tight warm embrace when she did finally see me. Or sometimes just randomly hugging me and touching me. Which, by the way, is a fast track to getting my romantic attention. Even the occasional, " I love you Zuull," or, "i miss you." So yeah. Kinda difficult to fight that. I will say this, she was always modest. Never saw her changing or naked or anything like that. I'm going to give some further background: remember, she's an addict. And addicts will find any way they can to get the drugs or the money for the drug. I know for fact that she would offer guys sexual favors for money or drugs. Quite successfully, since she's so beautiful. She never once came onto me sexually, hit on me, stole from me, or asked me for any suspicious amounts of money. So either i should have been insulted that she thought i was way too disgusting or greatly complimented that she had respect enough not to. Side point: only thing that kept my feelings at bay was knowing that addicts are manipulators. So although she had never tried anything sexual, i still took everything she did or said with a grain of salt. Anyway, back on point and out of parentheses...) So i took her **** and pitched it. Morning rolled around and things unfolded her finding out that i had done what i did and she got pissed. She voiced her anger, gathered what she could carry and took off. I, caring for her and worrying about her, caught up to her. By then she had cut (that's right. Cut. It's kind of expected with what an addict will go through in such situations.) her self but had calmed down. We talked. She said she understood why I did what i did, she just wished i would have given the stuff back to her and kicked her out. Nevertheless, after some crying and hugging, i brought her home and we talked a lot. She was very honest about everything. We agreed she could stay. The next two days, as she got more and more sick, the less she'd talk to me. She avoided me. Slept on the couch. But if I spoke to her, she'd respond. If i told her that i loved her, she'd respond that she loved me. Needless to say, i was torn apart thinking that I had lost my friend. My dear friend who i probably had never loved any other friend more. This past Monday night, she asked my brother in law to take her into town. So he did. Not going to get into the details but she went there, lied about what she was getting and instead got heroin and shot up in the bathroom of the store she was in. In a series of freak events, due to her over dosing, there was an accident that should have killed her. She came out of it with a broken neck, ribs, pelvis, fractured jaw, and with burns, scraps, and cuts. This entire week she's been in the hospital. And i took off work for the week and have been by her side every chance I could other than when I had to get sleep. It's been a series of 36 hour stretches before sleeping or eating. I know the panic i went through when i got the call. The heart dropping panic when i got to the scene and saw what i saw. Images I'll never get out of my head. Only being able to think, "i can't lose her. Please God please! " this has been quite the eye opener for her. After she leaves the hospital she is going to have 8 to 12 weeks of recovery. And when they asked her where she was going to live she didn't hesitate to give my address. When they confirmed with me, I didn't hesitate to agree and agree to the accommodations in my house that I'd have to make. Mind you, my family that lives with me love her also and didn't think twice about her coming back home. So what is my struggle? Am i falling in love? Have I already? How can I stop it without hurting her? Her ex girlfriend has been coming around and she and I have become quite the team. Anytime someone asks who we are to Storm, we both say, "significant others. " But.... Sometimes the ex will touch Storm or caress her in such ways that I don't like. I don't know if it is me being jealous or if it's because I know that the ex wants it all to be over and Storm doesn't and those sorts of affections are misleading Storm. I don't want to see her hurt. Oh! I almost forgot. Okay so for those of you have never encountered an addict, one thing you either do not do is take their drugs. Unless you're ready to fight. So when I told Storm's AA sponsor that Storm had gone two days without speaking to me, she nearly fell down in amazement. When someone asked Storm why she hadn't gotten violent with me, her answer was, "Because I love Zuull too much to hurt him." One of the nurses had some "girl talk" with Storm then came and told me, without telling me, Storm really cares about and loves me. (The nurse kept giving me that, "you dawg, you" look. ) Storm's mother came in from another state. When she arrived i gave her time with her daughter alone. When the nurses came in and kicked everyone out (because it was bath time) her mother came out into the waiting area with me and told me that Storm REALLY loves me. But this love that Storm keeps telling people she has for me.... i don't think she means it as romantic love. She apparently talks about me all the time though. Her mother and I had never met prior and not only did she recognize me but she knew stuff about me that Storm told her about. Any visitors from her AA meetings that visited also knew me well. But her actions, words, etc toward me just don't speak romantic love. She's gay. But had said that if she ever found a cute guy, she may consider it. I'm not a cute guy by the way lol. How do I distance myself without her realizing that I'm distancing myself so as to build the necessary walls so as to not fall in love or to reverse what's already been done? I don't want to fall in love because i don't want to get hurt. And falling in love with a lesbian is a sure fire way of getting hurt. So what do you guys have for me? Any advice or perspectives or considerations I've not thought of?

[54JA]

Oh god! You are in such a difficult situation... I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any experience with drug addicts, so I can't offer anything useful. One thing I can say is that a professional should get involved in this. I understand that living with/helping an addicts requires specialized knowledge. You might also get a counseling for yourself to deal with the horror/stress you are facing.

 

If you really love her, I think getting her into rehab or getting some kind of professional help is the best thing to do. This should give you the time you need to stop from falling in love with her (but it sounds like you already are). Again, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Good luck.

[HeartDesires]

You sound like a pretty smart guy...you already realize it would be unwise to become romantically interested in a woman who is gay and also a drug addict.

 

She's telling others that she loves you but I don't believe that she truly is "in love" with you. She's probably just grateful that you've been such a good friend.

 

How to distance yourself? Well, for starters why not just talk to her...tell her how you feel.

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be contemplating severing all ties to her, especially when you very well may be her only real friend in the world.

[Zuull]

You are right heartdesire. I am pretty much all she has. If i kick her out of my house she would literally be living in the streets.

 

Furthermore, there has been talk from the doctors here that after she recovers to consider going to rehab. Couple things though. Recovery is 8 to 12 weeks. And if she uses while living with me, she'll have more chances to survive if i kick her out on the street than if i allow her to continue living with me and having a safety net to fall back on..... giving her more freedom to feel like she can use and not have to worry about any other responsibilities. Secondly. ... her being here in the hospital (by the way.... I'm here with her now as she sleeps in the hospital room) they're not giving her opiates anymore. They're giving her opiate blockers with pain medicine. This will help detox her and her not experience the withdraws.

 

 

I don't want to bring this all to her attention. She has enough to think about and focus on. She doesn't need any stress. Which is why I'm bottling it up like I do with everything else. Haha. Just trying to figure out if im in love and if I am how to stop it without changing anything between her and me or if I should pursue it maybe when she's more stable.

[preraph]

You love each other. Love doesn't always go by any rules. You're in each other's lives for a reason.

 

I wonder how long she's been substance-abusing. Usually it's from a bad childhood and starts pretty early. When substances start early, maturation and brain development get slowed down. Until someone is sober for an extended period of time, they may not resume maturing. A short example, a friend of mine was alcoholic from in her teens, was always idealistic and overly altruistic, you know, like first-year college students thinking love will cure anything, thinking they can stop nations from warring. So when she recovered a decade later, she was still of this mindset even though most people her age had outgrown it. It then took her the normal amount of time after that to shed some of her idealism.

 

So this girl may not even know who she truly is and won't know until she is completely sober for some years and has a chance to develop. On top of that, she's been prostituting herself and that may have ruined men for her, but you could be the exception.

 

The biggest issue here is her addiction. As you must know, heroin addicts have a very very low recovery rate. I think it's 85 or 90 percent who re-use. Maybe this accident will incentivize her and shook her up, but it's equally possible that the pain she will no doubt have from this accident and for the rest of her life will only want to make her use more. Plus -- don't expect her to dry out in the hospital because she will no doubt be on narcotic pain meds while she's in there. She has a broken neck and pelvis. She'll probably be on morphine or something just as potent. So she will still be an addict and will probably need pain medication like that the rest of her life. That's the bad news. She's probably never going to be able to "get sober" because of this accident, but she will probably be provided pain meds, so maybe she can at least stop trying to score.

 

 

You have to decide if you can deal with all that. I could not. But you love her, so I'm praying for a miracle for her.

[Tayla]

You love each other. Love doesn't always go by any rules. You're in each other's lives for a reason.

 

I wonder how long she's been substance-abusing. Usually it's from a bad childhood and starts pretty early. When substances start early, maturation and brain development get slowed down. Until someone is sober for an extended period of time, they may not resume maturing. A short example, a friend of mine was alcoholic from in her teens, was always idealistic and overly altruistic, you know, like first-year college students thinking love will cure anything, thinking they can stop nations from warring. So when she recovered a decade later, she was still of this mindset even though most people her age had outgrown it. It then took her the normal amount of time after that to shed some of her idealism.

 

So this girl may not even know who she truly is and won't know until she is completely sober for some years and has a chance to develop. On top of that, she's been prostituting herself and that may have ruined men for her, but you could be the exception.

 

The biggest issue here is her addiction. As you must know, heroin addicts have a very very low recovery rate. I think it's 85 or 90 percent who re-use. Maybe this accident will incentivize her and shook her up, but it's equally possible that the pain she will no doubt have from this accident and for the rest of her life will only want to make her use more. Plus -- don't expect her to dry out in the hospital because she will no doubt be on narcotic pain meds while she's in there. She has a broken neck and pelvis. She'll probably be on morphine or something just as potent. So she will still be an addict and will probably need pain medication like that the rest of her life. That's the bad news. She's probably never going to be able to "get sober" because of this accident, but she will probably be provided pain meds, so maybe she can at least stop trying to score.

 

 

You have to decide if you can deal with all that. I could not. But you love her, so I'm praying for a miracle for her.

 

Preraph- I beleive the OP of this dialogue stated that the doctors are NOT administering opiates or derivatives there of. They do have other recourse of pain management in this day and age for Recovering or drug users.

 

To the OP: Not sure who gave you poor advisal on Illegal drugs being kept on your property. As the home owner you could be held accountable for this illegal substance in your house. Do you really want to jeopardize your home life by "asking" her permission to Hide it or even having it there ?? A Rule is a rule and breaking it has consequences. Hold her accountable, that is what a true friend would do. We all have tolerances and boundaries. Most enablers will justify the poor choices an addict makes.

I am pleased that your deep fondness for your friend goes beyond the gender aspect, its rare to have someone as a true friend and love them unconditionally. Get some objective counseling thru the Hospital on how to deal with an addict. They have professionals who can enlighten the right ways to handle the behavior and person.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow, Zuull, you are an incredible friend. I think all wish we had someone like you in our lives...loving wholeheartedly and without condition. I want a Zuull!

 

I think it would be best to try and get some therapy, if you can, to help sort out your feelings.

[Zuull]

Yeah i get what you all are saying. It is quite an endeavor. We're looking into getting her some medicare or whatever to help pay for the hospital costs and cover the perscription costs and likely rehab/therapy (physical and addiction) costs. (Most of which may be able to be done at home. )

 

She isn't on any opiates. Hasn't been for two days and she's doing better. Actually got up and hopped around her room today with the aid of a Walker. She did wonderful.

 

I do love her. I just got home not long ago and I'm already missing her. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of falling for her because I imagine it'll be in vain.

 

Her ex girlfriend visits her. Storm still has a thing for this ex and the ex has. ...... Something. But to talk to the ex she wants it to be over and wants to get over storm. But she won't let Storm go! She'll come in there and caress her and touch her softly and Storm is being led to believe that they're getting back together. The ex needs to stop playing games. Let Storm go!

 

This afternoon when I was leaving, I upset Storm. As I was getting ready to leave i made the comment that I needed to get out of her hair and stop bugging her. I had said things similar to this prior. But she got upset saying that that isn't how she feels at all and that i need to stop saying things like that. I didn't mean to upset her by it. I think a lot of it is I kind of want her to hurt me. She thought i was saying these things fishing for her to say, "no you're not bugging me. I want you here." But that's not what I'm looking for. Granted it would be nice to hear that but I kinda want her to agree. To agree that i need to leave her alone. It'll hurt me but it'll also help me along the process of distancing myself from her. Better to hurt me a little now rather than a lot later when I'm completely head over heels. I realize that it was selfish of me wanting her to either reassure me or confirm my claims. She shouldn't have to base her feelings on how I'm feeling. So yeah. .....

[Tayla]

You seem rather young and a deep thinker.

 

What she has with her Ex is between them. They are adults.

 

Have you made attempts to date ladies and gain a bit more perspective to what is out there that is in tune with your preferences? Zooming in on someone who isn't able to reciprocate such a relationship is self defeating. Its your responsibility as a friend to respect that boundary. Yet you want her to push you away...That is concerning and not healthy. Think about it...

[Zuull]

You seem rather young and a deep thinker.

 

What she has with her Ex is between them. They are adults.

 

Have you made attempts to date ladies and gain a bit more perspective to what is out there that is in tune with your preferences? Zooming in on someone who isn't able to reciprocate such a relationship is self defeating. Its your responsibility as a friend to respect that boundary. Yet you want her to push you away...That is concerning and not healthy. Think about it...

 

I don't know if she's able to reciprocate those feelings. There's a lot of mixed signals which is why i am confused. Any time it's ever been discussed it has never been, "this can't happen, " But instead it's always been, "this can't happen right now. "

And you're right. It was messed up on my part. Me pushing her away. Me making her push me away. Or me trying to get affection. Nonetheless, i did it and I've apologized for it. Even though she was still kind of short with me, before I left I told her that i loved her and she responded in kind.

I can't help who i develop feelings for. It's so damn unfair.