HELP me PLEASE

[XxJeordiesHotXx]

[[color=blue]size=3]My ex-boyfriend and I had been together for 3 1/2 years. We broke up after the first 2 because I thought he liked this girl that had started working at his job and he couldn't take me not trusting his so we broke up and he moved out. I found out 2 days later they were together. She was married and chose her husband over him and he came crawling back to me 3 months after they broke up. I took him back against my own advice because I had given him my virginity (which I had been saving for marriage but we were engaged at the time so I figured it was the same <I was young>). So I took him back and we both went through hell for the past year and a half trying to work things out with everything possible against us. At least I thought we were both trying to work things out.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago I caught him lying to me about something really stupid that he didn't even need to lie about. (he had wrecked his car and was supposed to call his uncle for money or I was going to pay for it and he lied about calling his uncle). He said he thought he had a problem and he was supposed to go see a therapist. A month later I found out he had lied, and it was a much bigger lie (the whole time we were together he said he didn't masterbate or like porn even though he knew I liked both and I came home early from work that night to find him whacking off to a porn. He told me he got the porn from somebody at work and I saw the receipt showing he had bought it a year earlier so he lied about 3 things). I was so pissed that he put me through hell for so long supposedly "working things out" only to be lying from the very beginning [/color] that we got into a physical altercation and I kicked him out.

 

A week later I called to see him to ask a few questions and he agreed. When I got there he acted like he didn't even want to be around me and didn't answer anything. The next day I called and tried to be his friend and he told me I could come to the store with him. When I got there he walked really fast 3 feet in front of me the whole time. I got sad that he was being a jerk and asked him why he told me I could come if he was just going to act like that? He said he felt like I didn't listen to him, that he had to "find himself" since he hadn't been alone for 9 years (he's 27 now) and wanted me to stay away from him because he still thought of me as his girlfriend and as long as he was trying to make me happy he couldn't work on him. I left that night telling him that if he didn't want me there he shouldn't have told me to come and I haven't called him or tried to contact him since. Not even on his birthday which was a week after the beforementioned incident. (it has now been 2 weeks with no contact).

 

My question is: If at one point he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and even got a tattoo of my name quite largely on his chest to make up for the first mistake (he is really against getting names tattooed), and he was the one who screwed up despite all the chances I gave him, and I technically broke up with him but he didn't leave me a choice, HOW can he not call me at all for 14 days? Shouldn't he be saying he is sorry or something? How can he tell me he wants me to "move on with my life"? Doesn't he care that I am gone? He came to the house today while I was asleep and gave my sister the rent for March and didn't even tell her to tell me anything. How can he be happier without me and be fine not talking to me or knowing how I am doing if I was so important only 2 months ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? PLEASE somebody clarify this for me because he seems totally fine without me and I don't think I treated him so horribly that he can be so relieved I am gone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How you treated him has very little to do with the fact that he let his emotional investment in you drop to zero. You can control how much you are investing in the relationship, but you have no control over what your partner does with those investments.

 

He likely wanted to break things off earlier, but didn't have the ability to do it so he acted in such a way that you would be forced to break things off with him. That way he looks like the 'victim' and you feel all the 'guilt' even though its really the other way around. He didn't have the balls to break up with you, so he tricked you into breaking up with him. He doesn't call you or want to apologize to you or any of that stuff, because all he wanted was 'out'. He manipulated you into giving him that 'out' and now that he's gone - he will have no motivation whatsoever to return to a relationship he worked to get himself out of.

 

1. at one point he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me

2. he was the one who screwed up despite all the chances I gave him

3. HOW can he not call me at all for 14 days?

4. Shouldn't he be saying he is sorry or something?

5. How can he tell me he wants me to "move on with my life"?

6. Doesn't he care that I am gone? \

7. How can he be happier without me and be fine not talking to me or knowing how I am doing if I was so important only 2 months ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

 

These answers won't be pretty, but falling out of love is a brutal process for the victim. No need to make it gentle when it is anything but...

 

Ok, imagine that his love for you in his heart is like water in a jug. The jug has a leak. A slow one:

 

1. That's when the jug (his heart) was full - it is empty now, you just didn't see it leaking out

2. You can give chances, but you can't control what he does with them - your chances didn't change the fact that he continued to let his love for you leak away

3. Because he doesn't care to call you - his heart doesn't have enough left inside to even care what you are doing at this point

4. He manipulated you into being the 'bad guy' who broke it off - therefore, he feels no need to apologize - convenient, eh?

5. Because he is moving on with his, and doesn't want you coming along for the ride

6. No

7. Because a couple of months ago, the jug was full - it leaked out slowly to empty. Whatever love he had for you leaked out to nothing - the guy you were in love with has been replaced by the guy who is not in love with you. Two totally different people, for all intents and purposes.

 

The kicker? Its not your fault - you didn't force him to be this way with you, he chose to do this despite your best efforts, your kindness, your understanding and your many chances you gave him. He squandered it. You didn't make him do that.

[moon]

I think what you are doing is normal. You are looking back at all the stuff he said to you and asking yourself why would he tell me all this stuff if he didn't mean it? Well, this is the greatest mystery to relationships. I don't understand it myself. I've been in a few relationship where guys have told me all that too. "I want to marry you" "You are my dream girl" "Let's spend the rest of our lives together..." Blah, blah, blah.....didn't happen.

 

I think that you must take those words as expressions of how they were feeling at the time. You can't kill yourself trying to figure our why they would have said such and such to you and not meant it.

 

I for one couldn't see myself hooking up with a married man and leaving my boyfriend for that person, only to scurry back three months later. Would you? Well, your ex boyfriend did it. He did something deceitful. So....there might be another pattern. Maybe he isn't always truthful, not just to you, but to himself.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be flattered that your boyfriend said those things to you. But don't let those words turn into a legally binding contract for you. They are just words.....poof and they are gone. But I am sure they might have been hard for him to say at the time and I am sure on some level he believed it when he said them, but AGAIN they are simply words.

 

Your ex sounds a bit confused. That's about all I can gather from your post. You kicked him out? And he's still paying rent? That's cool of him. I could imagine an ex I kicked out not bothering for a minute to pay any rent....even if his name was on the lease.

 

Give it more time and more NC. I think the worst thing that happened in this relationship is that he cheated and left you before. I think it's very hard to get past that. Maybe just give it time. But I wouldn't keep banging your head against the wall wanting to know why if he said x was going to happen when x didn't. Don't do that to yourself. Who knows what's in another person's mind.....???