Just sent no contact email

[nikki76]

Im so thankful for this forum. I'll try to give the short version of my story.

 

I'll be married 10 years next month and have 3 young girls. We moved last October. We did remodeling, and my husbands friend did most of the remodeling. He is also married with three young kids.

During this time, my husband and I fought alot. Over decisions reguarding remodeling. His friend, showed interest in all of my decisions and we started texting back and forth. Started off innocent, until we created our own social media account and thats where the tables turned. For about a month, it was completely emotional affair. The things he would say and tell me, made me feel so wanted and alive. We would text each other all day. He worked overnight shift at his job, and we would text until 4am. Telling each other we loved each other and all that other stuff that I believed at the time was real.

Then, we became physical. It was the most amazing experience I ever had. The passion was unreal. (I know now, that its not real). We met up only a few times.

His work schedule changed and kids were out of school. He became less available and i became more attached and i couldnt deal with it anymore. I tried ending it. But he emailed me a week later, and i fell into his trap. Our relationship was nothing like it had been.

Random texts here and there. Never had any physical contact with him again. I went to a baseball game with his wife and thats when reality hit me. How wrong it was on every level. I tried ending it again. He texted me. I didnt respond. I started therapy and didnt have contact for 12 days. My husband and I went on vacation, alone. And of course, AP texts me the morning I left....wishing me a good time. I had a great vacation. But when I came home, i broke down again and texted him. Its been two weeks now. He rarely texts me. We only had two good texting sessions.

I dont understand why I keep going back to this. I know its wrong, immoral. Im not getting anything out of it. I obsess about him all day/night. Wondering when will he contact me. In the meantime, my kids and family are suffering from my lack of attention on them.

Our spouses have no suspicions about us. I would never confess to him. Some may think its cowardly. But I will not do it.

During the 12 days no contact, my husband and I rekindled that spark that was lost years ago. I couldn't help but think about AP when my husband and I were intimate. But after about a week, it got easier to get him out of my mind. Im so upset with myself, that I broke down and contacted him again. Now im at square one. (From beginning to now the affair has been going on for 4.5 months, but seems like forever to me).

We still have more work that he needs to do at our house, and being that he's friends with my husband and our kids play together , makes NO CONTACT so much harder.

We have his daughters birthday party to go to tomorrow and im thinking of doing no contact the next day. This time deleting the account and blocking him from my phone.

I know what im doing is wrong. I need the support from this forum to help me break this addiction. My therapist and I agree that he's a narcissist and im just feeding his supply. But for some stupid reason I keep going back.

thank you for reading my story.

[FusionCutter]

Im so thankful for this forum. I'll try to give the short version of my story.

 

I'll be married 10 years next month and have 3 young girls. We moved last October. We did remodeling, and my husbands friend did most of the remodeling. He is also married with three young kids.

During this time, my husband and I fought alot. Over decisions reguarding remodeling. His friend, showed interest in all of my decisions and we started texting back and forth. Started off innocent, until we created our own social media account and thats where the tables turned. For about a month, it was completely emotional affair. The things he would say and tell me, made me feel so wanted and alive. We would text each other all day. He worked overnight shift at his job, and we would text until 4am. Telling each other we loved each other and all that other stuff that I believed at the time was real.

Then, we became physical. It was the most amazing experience I ever had. The passion was unreal. (I know now, that its not real). We met up only a few times.

His work schedule changed and kids were out of school. He became less available and i became more attached and i couldnt deal with it anymore. I tried ending it. But he emailed me a week later, and i fell into his trap. Our relationship was nothing like it had been.

Random texts here and there. Never had any physical contact with him again. I went to a baseball game with his wife and thats when reality hit me. How wrong it was on every level. I tried ending it again. He texted me. I didnt respond. I started therapy and didnt have contact for 12 days. My husband and I went on vacation, alone. And of course, AP texts me the morning I left....wishing me a good time. I had a great vacation. But when I came home, i broke down again and texted him. Its been two weeks now. He rarely texts me. We only had two good texting sessions.

I dont understand why I keep going back to this. I know its wrong, immoral. Im not getting anything out of it. I obsess about him all day/night. Wondering when will he contact me. In the meantime, my kids and family are suffering from my lack of attention on them.

Our spouses have no suspicions about us. I would never confess to him. Some may think its cowardly. But I will not do it.

During the 12 days no contact, my husband and I rekindled that spark that was lost years ago. I couldn't help but think about AP when my husband and I were intimate. But after about a week, it got easier to get him out of my mind. Im so upset with myself, that I broke down and contacted him again. Now im at square one. (From beginning to now the affair has been going on for 4.5 months, but seems like forever to me).

We still have more work that he needs to do at our house, and being that he's friends with my husband and our kids play together , makes NO CONTACT so much harder.

We have his daughters birthday party to go to tomorrow and im thinking of doing no contact the next day. This time deleting the account and blocking him from my phone.

I know what im doing is wrong. I need the support from this forum to help me break this addiction. My therapist and I agree that he's a narcissist and im just feeding his supply. But for some stupid reason I keep going back.

thank you for reading my story.

 

Block and no contact right away. It's the only way to heal from the situation. Thanks for sharing and so sorry to hear about your situation.

[Zeurich]

Sorry about your situation. Take away all the stuff that you can recall memory of him. Change the phone number other wise block his number. You have to be strict with your own self, keep your self busy with your kids and try to be with your husband more. Don't fight try to listen more than talking, your OM is sort of a man who use woman to get what he wants, he show you the interests where your husband wasn't agree but watch out he might start a black mail, or will make up a story to your husband then all the peace in house will blow away. So you have to be care full too.

[DKT3]

You don't want to end the affair. Getting honest with yourself is always the first step. If you wanted it over, then it would be over. I believe like most WS's you want both.

 

Ask yourself what will you do when one of the spouses figure it out or catch you? Its going to be easy to find out because the two of you have left a trail that won't be hard to follow IE cell phone bill that will leave no doubt when one of them simply look at it.

 

Ask yourself how is this going to end. WS's rarely even think about the end. Do you see yourself living. Happily ever after with the OM all connected with your husband and his wife because of the kids.

 

Ask yourself is he worth losing half of your childrens youth and their trust.

 

Affairs are alway a risk, the problem is waywards get so caught up in that selfishness of it all they can't see what's on the line. Right now you are likely thinking if it would just end I could step right back into the faithful loving wife and mother role. Honestly, there is no chance of that.

[tom670]

Oh boy:sick:

The truth always has a way of coming out it would be a much better if your h heard it from you than from someone else.

Eventually your h will be suspicious if he isn't already.

You have to stop all contact

[tom670]

Find someone else to work on the house.

You have no idea just how much you are emasculating your husband he deserves the truth.

[bathtub-row]

I think there are two very important things here -- aside from the obvious stuff.

 

First of all, you have GOT to stop pretending to be his wife's friend. Whatever it takes, do not get involved with her in any way again that could be interpreted as friendship. I can't imagine a more cruel thing to happen to someone than to find out that someone who you think is a friend, betrays you. Cut this relationship with her off immediately. Or do it so slowly that no one really notices. Whichever works best.

 

The second thing is, you need to talk to MM and tell him that he needs to come up with some reason why he can't continue to do work at your house. This is another connection that must be broken. It would be best if it came from him because he can come up with a better excuse than you could, due to the fact the your husband is less likely to question him. Any excuse you could come up with will probably raise suspicions.

 

After that, it's up to you. But you really need to distance yourself from this pseudo friendship altogether. It's bad enough to cheat, it's way worse when friends are involved. This friendship is forever tarnished, whether your husband and his wife know this or not.

 

I understand your feelings of attachment but this man does not seem all that interested in you. What that actually means is if the affair is ever found out, he will throw you under the bus. Learn some self-control and stop this destructive behavior. If the two of you keep this up, a storm of unbelievable proportions will reign down on you in ways you could never imagine.

[herself]

The term narciccist....why?

Because its over and he appears to want it less?

Maybe he has come to the same moral crossroad and sees the harm in it as well.

Maybe he is afraid if after 4.5 months your wavering emotionally, he wants distance so it doesn't all come out and get messy.

Its a tough spot...spouses interacting...children...and his finances are at stake and his mow seemed to have loved it all at first and is now all over the place.

He seems scared and uncertain and in need of the space to recover and maybe reconnect with his wife and survey the damage he caused to both of you along with your help.

You're both equal and willing participants and now he is pulling away just as you did by trying to break it off.

That doesn't spell a narcissist really. But often times these relationships go on for years.

Sounds like you have alot of hope with your spouse and this is good to continue to heal and focus on the girls and your hubby and hopefully you learned and will now let go peacefully and grow. Best wishes.

[jwi71]

I dont understand why I keep going back to this. I know its wrong, immoral. Im not getting anything out of it. I obsess about him all day/night.

 

You keep going back because you want to.

 

Our spouses have no suspicions about us. I would never confess to him. Some may think its cowardly. But I will not do it.

 

Never say never.

 

During the 12 days no contact, my husband and I rekindled that spark that was lost years ago. I couldn't help but think about AP when my husband and I were intimate.

 

That's not sounding like rekindling anything but the A to me.

 

But after about a week, it got easier to get him out of my mind. Im so upset with myself, that I broke down and contacted him again. Now im at square one. (From beginning to now the affair has been going on for 4.5 months, but seems like forever to me).

 

And here's the proof you rekindled nothing with your H and, instead, generously gave your thoughts and feelings to MM.

 

We still have more work that he needs to do at our house, and being that he's friends with my husband and our kids play together , makes NO CONTACT so much harder.

 

Makes NC impossible really.

I'm sure people will notice that you no longer talk to him, his W, and suddenly the play dates start to no longer happen.

 

The very thing that pops in this person's mind is the word: why?

 

Every connection you have is a possible dday.

 

We have his daughters birthday party to go to tomorrow and im thinking of doing no contact the next day. This time deleting the account and blocking him from my phone.

 

Tomorrow is always the best day is it not?

 

I know what im doing is wrong. I need the support from this forum to help me break this addiction. My therapist and I agree that he's a narcissist and im just feeding his supply. But for some stupid reason I keep going back.

thank you for reading my story.

 

This is where I would encourage some IC - except you are already seeing one.

 

I am curious, provided you wish to share, what did your IC say about "breaking your addiction"? What was his or her advice? What are you doing to follow it?

 

I guess, finally, what specifically, are you looking for from LS?

[whichwayisup]

My therapist and I agree that he's a narcissist and im just feeding his supply.

 

Why is the MM/friend a narcissist? You are the one who broke NC:

Im so upset with myself, that I broke down and contacted him again.

 

You both are using each other for various reasons. An affair IS selfish and both you and MM are selfish by having an affair. ON the expense of your H, his W and all the innocent kids involved.

 

Neither of you are victims here, you went into this willingly, just like him.

 

Affairs are addictive and seems you are addicted to how he makes you feel, which is why you can't connect properly with your husband as you want the MM.

 

This eventually will blow up, your H or his W will find out.

[Pinklotus]

Nikki,

 

I understand how you feel. My situation is different--emotional affair, no PA or sexting at all, and recently no flirting. We are down to emailing maybe 2-3 times a week, as opposed to what used to be 5-10 times a night. Haven't seen him in two months and I am sick of hearing his promises about when we will meet, which never happen. I won't repeat my whole story here, but bottom line is I am now at a point where I really realize that I love my husband, do not want to lose him, am working on my marriage, and wish I could cut MM out of my life for good. But why don't I? I can manage to go NC for several days at a time now, and I do fine during those days. In fact, I feel better than when I talk to him! I think of him but not like I used to. But I have been breaking down after 3-4 days and responding to his last email.

 

His emails are very friendly and nice, there is nothing in them that would raise an eyebrow--except, of course, that they are all in secret. .

 

I need to find the guts and wherewithal to tell him that we need to stop doing this. Like you, there are connections...we know a lot of the same people, etc. so I would love to just stay friends. But I don't think that is possible.

 

My IC said I could probably fade this out but obviously she recommends cutting the cord immediately. If I were to fade it out, certainly I need to go longer than 3-4 days between contact.

 

Meantime, although I am feeling the love for my husband, I feel guiltiest than ever, even though the "passion" and flirting etc. has ended at this point. Like you, I haven't confessed and I don't know if I will. If I do, it may be in MC with my husband where we can process it with the counselor.

 

I think you got a lot of good advice here. Ask him to quit working for you, and stay away from him, no matter what it takes. Btw, my IC thinks that my MM is also a narcissist...based on his history as a philanderer and current behavior. I don't know if he is or not, but I will say that he seems to always have had the upper hand and has decided how things will go. I wonder if he is being so nice now because he just wants to keep me hanging on.

 

Good luck. It's good you realized that you needed to end it and are getting your marriage back on track. Keep fighting and don't give up. You will get there, but like me, it takes courage.

[Lovemesomehim]

It's time to end all contact. Find another contractor to finish your house. Stop your children from having any interaction with his children and by all means stop perpetrating with his wife.

 

I cannot understand why people seem to think that what is done in the dark will not come to light. The two of you have allowed your families to become entangled in this mess and it's time to end it. It's time to figure out what is more important, your family or this affair .

[fellini]

Just click on over to the Infidelity threads and have a look at any posts related to a betrayed spouse finding out his wife was having sex during months behind his back. Read what advice other BS's are offering and you will know what is going to happen to you soon.

 

This will be your H when he finds out. Hope that will wake you up, clean up your mess. And get out of this ASAP because every day you are a day sooner to DDAY. It is not in your hands.

 

If you want to save your marriage, you needed to start that last week.

 

The problem is not whether you will or will not tell your H, the problem is whether he will find out himself. You need to learn how to not only delete your text messages, you need to wipe clean you phone and make sure that not a single incriminating message ever enters there. And you need to hope your narcissist does the same, which I doubt he will, because he is a narcissist. Narcissists like to keep everyone in the loop. But the thing is, you rely on his W not finding out, not just about you, but the next SYT he engages with, and then when she does, your name might well get dropped into that conversation.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited August 19, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

Even whiping the phone won't be enough. Your text history is saved by your carrier...and available upon request. If your H suspects, he can request it and see the sheer volume and times of your interactions with OM. Maybe if you choose to change carriers, and then ensure that any paper copies you have of cell phone bills from that previous carrier go missing.

 

And...the same things would have to happen on OM's side as well. He'd need to whipe is phone, change the carrier, and 'lose' any existing records on his side as well.

 

All of which could also spark more suspiscion on the BS's parts.

 

Then there's the matter of the social media account...etc...

 

The odds are high that your H will find out, or be told by someone eventually. Maybe not soon. Could be today...could be several years from now.

 

And what you'll need to keep in mind is that it won't matter to him how many years have passed, how long the affair was over...the moment he learns of the affair...the betrayal starts there for him. And...it extends all the way back to the time when you first started covering it up and hiding it from him.

 

This is why so many BS's insist that the WS tell their spouse the truth up front. It's better to get it out in the open sooner, rather than let it be found out later. The odds of successful recovery go up dramatically (in my opinion) when the WS willingly discloses the truth up front and honestly attempts to make amends for their choices, rather than waiting for the BS to find out on their own and then trickle-truth the BS to the point where they can't believe anything.

 

But...it's up to you.

[Freedomlives]

First it take courage for you to share your story. Second and I agree with many. You need to be honesty to yourself. Take a step back and take stock why you married your husband. I'm sure young love played the part and as many long term marriages one might find themselves static and unsure.

 

At this point there are many lives at stake not just your but that of your own family. Husband and kids. I've been the victim of spousal affairs and after a drAining attempt to try to salvage their mistake I realized they were not 100 because the excitement t of the affair was much too important. I realized that I took the stance to let him go. Wasn't worth the endless nights of crying. Oddly though the other woman didn't want him as a full time partner and he cAme back. I moved on.

 

Bottom line. If you need to decide if your still in live with your husband to salvage this relationship or just live him as a person.

 

Some may say to keep this a secret but then you are now at the mercy of fear should you attempt to avoid the AP and now have a historical trail of texts. Come clean and tell the truth otherwise you will lose more than your self respect.

 

Good luck

 

 

Im so thankful for this forum. I'll try to give the short version of my story.

 

I'll be married 10 years next month and have 3 young girls. We moved last October. We did remodeling, and my husbands friend did most of the remodeling. He is also married with three young kids.

During this time, my husband and I fought alot. Over decisions reguarding remodeling. His friend, showed interest in all of my decisions and we started texting back and forth. Started off innocent, until we created our own social media account and thats where the tables turned. For about a month, it was completely emotional affair. The things he would say and tell me, made me feel so wanted and alive. We would text each other all day. He worked overnight shift at his job, and we would text until 4am. Telling each other we loved each other and all that other stuff that I believed at the time was real.

Then, we became physical. It was the most amazing experience I ever had. The passion was unreal. (I know now, that its not real). We met up only a few times.

His work schedule changed and kids were out of school. He became less available and i became more attached and i couldnt deal with it anymore. I tried ending it. But he emailed me a week later, and i fell into his trap. Our relationship was nothing like it had been.

Random texts here and there. Never had any physical contact with him again. I went to a baseball game with his wife and thats when reality hit me. How wrong it was on every level. I tried ending it again. He texted me. I didnt respond. I started therapy and didnt have contact for 12 days. My husband and I went on vacation, alone. And of course, AP texts me the morning I left....wishing me a good time. I had a great vacation. But when I came home, i broke down again and texted him. Its been two weeks now. He rarely texts me. We only had two good texting sessions.

I dont understand why I keep going back to this. I know its wrong, immoral. Im not getting anything out of it. I obsess about him all day/night. Wondering when will he contact me. In the meantime, my kids and family are suffering from my lack of attention on them.

Our spouses have no suspicions about us. I would never confess to him. Some may think its cowardly. But I will not do it.

During the 12 days no contact, my husband and I rekindled that spark that was lost years ago. I couldn't help but think about AP when my husband and I were intimate. But after about a week, it got easier to get him out of my mind. Im so upset with myself, that I broke down and contacted him again. Now im at square one. (From beginning to now the affair has been going on for 4.5 months, but seems like forever to me).

We still have more work that he needs to do at our house, and being that he's friends with my husband and our kids play together , makes NO CONTACT so much harder.

We have his daughters birthday party to go to tomorrow and im thinking of doing no contact the next day. This time deleting the account and blocking him from my phone.

I know what im doing is wrong. I need the support from this forum to help me break this addiction. My therapist and I agree that he's a narcissist and im just feeding his supply. But for some stupid reason I keep going back.

thank you for reading my story.

[nikki76]

Our affair of almost 5 months has practically diminished to once a week texting for the past 3 weeks. (We are both married) Thursday night I asked him what we should do about our "relationship". He said its like a really really good drug but feels so bad when he takes it.

A few other things were said, but then we had to end the conversation because he was at work. He said we will continue the conversation the next night. (Last night).

Well, of course, I never heard from him. I know he logged onto our Facebook page a few times during the day. But he never logged on at night, when he told me he would.

 

So I sent him an email saying "im done making a fool of myself. Thereis no point to this anymore. Im deleting my account. Please respect my decision to no longer have any contact. "

 

Part of me is relieved. But the other part is upset. He is a friend of my husband (double whammy I know) and our kids play together. He still has some work to do to our house too. So I will see him again. That will just make this recovery harder.

 

Im scared of how my withdrawal from this will be. The other two times I tried ending, he texted me and i felt weak and began contact again. I cannot be weak this time around.

[FusionCutter]

You did the right thing. The hard part is sticking to it, no relapsing.

[nikki76]

Thank you!

[OWAmy]

Good for you. This is what I did ... sent an email saying no contact. I think when you are the one to be bold enough to make the first move you hold the upper hand. It was hard for me to do as I wanted my xMM to make that move, but two months on it empowered me that I ended it.

 

Two weeks into NC I did have the urge to re-gain contact - not to restart the affair, but to say a few things I wished I had said in the final email. thankfully I never did.

 

Two months on I feel great. The affair was a part of my life that is now over. I did go through a phase where I was angry with him, but that passed quickly when I took ownership for my own involvement. Now I don't have any feelings at all towards him. I come on LS to add thoughts as what other people said to me really helped.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you are in a far better position now the affair is over. It takes balls to end an affair.

 

Good luck

[sunburned]

Hi, Nikki. I think you will stick with it this time. I believe you've reached your breaking point. I had similar circumstances. Married, spouses knew each other, kids played, etc. I ended it once, got talked back in and then he backed off. We had a similar conversation to yours, said we'd continue after the weekend. Jerked around enough, I chose silence instead. Been NC now for about a year.

 

 

When boundaries and common sense fail, usually the guilt on one side and the uncertainty on the other blend into a cocktail too potent for most of us to swallow. You did the right thing by taking definitive action and not passively waiting to see where he would steer the sinking ship. Take pride and pleasure in reclaiming the upper hand -- and, of course, in doing the right thing!

[nikki76]

Sunburned, thank you for reply and sharing your experience. Would you mind sharing any good tips you have to remain NC, being that our familes will still communicate. How did you stay strong for a year?

 

Thank you!

[imperfectangel]

NC is soooooo hard I've never been able to keep it up for more than a month good luck you will need it!

[sunburned]

Sunburned, thank you for reply and sharing your experience. Would you mind sharing any good tips you have to remain NC, being that our familes will still communicate. How did you stay strong for a year?

 

Thank you!

 

You should check out the thread a couple below yours by Patna -- Tips on maintaining NC. It's really hard in the beginning. Don't think of it as being forever. Just think of getting through the day. Then make the same decision the next day and so forth. Whatever you urgently want to say can wait 24 hours. Then, with luck, the urgency will pass and you can renew the decision the next day. Try not to get hung up on getting the last word or getting EVERYTHING off your chest. There will always be more you'd like to say, but you've said the most important thing, which is no more contact!

 

My sitch was a little different as our families were friendly but not close friends. Our kids played but they did different programs over the summer followed by different schools and/or dismissal locations. My worry was the same fairly small suburb would have us bumping into each other. Even that has been rare, like across a sports field. I see your difficulty. I would try to find someone else to finish the house. If that's out of the question, have your H deal with him. Do not agree to take meetings with him when your H is at work. School's starting soon. The kids can be too busy for playdates and you can be too busy to socialize with his W.

 

I think you've asserted yourself with him, you got your "power" back. You will feel even worse if you let it go by contacting him. Whatever you have to say will likely not come out like you want it to. He'll have an answer for everything or he will sweet talk you into restarting, then play the same hot-cold mind games. Or think of how you'll feel if he doesn't answer at all. I would also suggest you read a thread started by PinkLotus on ending an EA a week or two ago. Some advice there on NC, dealing with obsessive thoughts, etc. Sounds like you and your H still have a nice connection and real love for each other. Make that your priority. I wish you all the best!

[imperfectangel]

a person isn't a object - you can't steal him from anyone.

 

he chose to spend his time with a woman that wasnt his wife. no one had a gun to his head

[DKT3]

Nikki, your "nc" email sounds to me like a teenage manipulation tactic, knowing full well that it isn't going to mean NC, since he will be in your home.

 

If you were serious you would be looking for a way to keep him from working on your home. Its all part of your sick game that is this affair. I believe your real intent is to punish om for not contacting you as he promised.