Contemplating intimacy with a MM

[naia]

Hello, I'm new here but I've read as many posts as I can, and I feel safe posting my situation here. I can't speak to anybody I know about this as I don't think they'd understand. I can handle being judged/questioned to a degree but it would be nice to hear the opinion of someone who sees it from my side and not just the side of the potential BS.

 

I'm contemplating starting an affair (of sorts) with an MM I met at university. He's considerably older than me (which for me is a big part of the attraction) and without a doubt the most interesting and intelligent person I've met, and we connect on a level I have always worried I'd never find with another person. We've been close for 5 months now, we talk every day and we've spent a considerable amount of time together, but nothing physical has happened. We talk about things I don't discuss with even my closest friends and he is as open as I am (to the best of my knowledge) but he doesn't speak about his W or home life. He hasn't even mentioned her name.

 

The problem is, when we first met a year ago he painted it out like he was completely separated from his W and lived alone. I only found out last week that he actually lives with her, so to me, regardless of what their intimate relationship is (which he claims is non existent and they do not share a bed) if he's going home and having dinner with her, watching tv and walking the dog then he's still sharing a huge part of his life with her! Its disturbing that he withheld the truth from me for so long and makes me wonder what else he has selectivity held back.

 

From my point of view, I have been in committed relationships and have never cheated but I don't like the idea of marriage (not saying I won't change my mind) because I am essentially asexual. I can't bear to be with someone I truly care for and love being around but having to reject their advances every single day. It destroys them. The best way to describe asexuality is that I want to want to be intimate and I find the proposed partner attractive but not enough to actually be intimate with them. There has only been two people that I have felt true sexual desire for, and the MM is one of them. Its strong. His view is that he wants a friendship with sex and not a relationship with me. Which I totally agree with as due to the age gap alone there's no way we could ever have a conventional relationship. I knew that all along regardless of his W.

 

On one level it makes complete sense for us to take this to the next level and start being intimate. On another level I have literally had nightmares involving him and his wife.. which makes me believe I feel guilty about this. How much more guilty am I going to feel if we start having casual relations? And can I cope with the detached intimacy? Even though I know we will never be exclusive to each other or in a relationship can I stop myself falling for him? I feel like I'm in pretty deep now. I know nobody can answer these questions but any insight/opinions would be amazing.

 

Sorry for the length of this post and I thank any of you who read this and reply in advance! I'm just very confused and lost.

[FusionCutter]

It's a painful road to walk. It might seem enticing. But honestly. Walk away. Draw from all the experience and pain from the people who we're all once in your footsteps.

[naia]

I also think I should walk away, but part of me wants to explore the desire as its something I so rarely experience. I'm scared I won't meet anyone else I feel this way about as he is only the second. The first I didn't get to be intimate with as he didn't want to.

[CarrieT]

I'm scared I won't meet anyone else I feel this way about as he is only the second.

That is because you are young.

 

I can attest - as a 50-year old woman with too many partners in my past - that there will be others. Lots and lots of them that you will feel this way about.

 

Don't be that person that regrets their actions years later.

 

You came to this site because you KNOW what you are contemplating is wrong on many levels. When you are married - years from now, with kids and mortgage - and learned your husband was talking to some young chick who is talking the way you are now, how would you feel?

 

Don't treat others (even this man's wife, whom you don't know) this way. She deserves better and YOU deserve better.

[nomoresunshine]

You are already feeling guilty... He has already lied to you about being separated... Don't do it! He may be picking up on your vulnerabilities and deciding he can have the best of both worlds. It's not worth it for you in the end...

[naia]

I understand what you mean CarrieT, I do feel guilty that his wife is unaware of this and would most likely be very hurt if she found out. That's assuming that they are actually together and not just cohabiting as he claims.

nomoresunshine the fact that he lied is a big deal to me yes. And definitely in the 'against' column.

I'm not thinking long term, I've had flings before and that's what I would want this to be. As I mentioned though I'm worried I'll fall for him and get hurt, but on the other hand don't we risk getting hurt in every 'romantic' circumstance? I guess what I really wish I knew is whether this will hurt me more due to the fact that he's married than if I was seeing an unmarried man..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can tell you from how he's handled this with you so far, that he's seasoned at this. He's gone as far as to let you know he doesn't want a relationship because he's had young ladies get too attached. Unfortunately, you will get attached, you'll begin to wonder how much time he is spending with his wife or other coeds. You'll become a wreck, you'll lose your focus on the important things in your life and he will become your drug. Maybe not, but most likely.

 

Do yourself a favor, end this friendship.

[naia]

^^^ you've just summarised exactly what the only logical part of my mind is screaming at me. I don't want to become that person. I think that's probably reason enough to walk away

[nomoresunshine]

Lying SHOULD be a deal breaker, not just in the "against" column... And I agree with above post.. He's seasoned at this. Take advice from a woman scorned.. No woman deserves to be "second" to their husband and that's ultimately what you would be doing, putting her second. If he doesn't want to be with her, he shouldn't be... Not trying to get the best of both worlds

[naia]

I think he's with her because he wants the companionship and doesn't want to be alone. He's a very needy person in general. He has also said that he has never found the right person nor does he believe he will. But I'm not sure if I've invented that reason to make myself feel better?

[nomoresunshine]

Sounds like it... Honestly, I just wouldn't do it, for so many reasons, do you want to live the rest of your life knowing you had an affair with a married man? When you find someone who completes you (and it could happen!) how would you feel if the situation were reversed? Karma is a tricky thing...

[naia]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, when we first met a year ago he painted it out like he was completely separated from his W and lived alone. I only found out last week that he actually lives with her, so to me, regardless of what their intimate relationship is (which he claims is non existent and they do not share a bed) if he's going home and having dinner with her, watching tv and walking the dog then he's still sharing a huge part of his life with her! Its disturbing that he withheld the truth from me for so long and makes me wonder what else he has selectivity held back.

 

Why on earth would you waste your time on someone who lied to from the beginning? He is married. He lives life with his wife and yes, he has held back tons from you.

 

Run. Don't bother pursuing this guy. You deserve a man who is (single) and will treat you well, with respect and not lie to you to get into your pants.

[bathtub-row]

In theory, it can seem like great fun and very exciting, and every piece of rationale you can come up with can seem very credible. But, in reality, an affair will crush you. Even if there's no chance of anything long-term between the two of you, being able to date openly would be far better than having an affair. And I'm not speaking from a BS point of view. I was once involved in an affair where we had a very deep soul connection. Still, it's not something I'd ever do again...not under ANY circumstances. I can pretty much assure you that it will end up being a crushing experience for you.

 

I think you should talk to him about how you feel towards him and let him know that if he were free to date, you would definitely be open to that. If that's completely out of the question, then you should start distancing yourself from him. Even though you already feel that you're in too deep, you simply cannot imagine how tangled and screwed up this web can, and will, get once the two of you cross the line of infidelity. I truly would not recommend this to anyone.

Edited August 23, 2014 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

I think he's with her because he wants the companionship and doesn't want to be alone.

 

See? It's already starting -- wondering what the situation is with his marriage, what he's thinking, how he really feels about it, do they ever have sex, if you're really the one, will he leave her once he gets really, really attached to you...blah, blah, blah. It is an endless cycle of questions that you'll never have answers to.

 

You know he has already lied to you, and he lies every time he walks in the door of his home. Please do not become a statistic after venturing into this man's playground. Even if you are the only person he has ever done this with, it's still going to kill you. The truth is, he is probably playing you, he's probably very good at it, he's obviously very charming and wildly intelligent -- and if you're like me, I find intelligence alone devastatingly sexy -- and you could very easily end up feeling like a complete fool. Please do not ever put yourself in this kind of position.

 

Do we always take chances in romantic relationships? Absolutely. But at least don't walk into them when there are several strikes against the situation already.

 

Lying and married. Over and out.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'd be weary about anything that comes out of this man's mouth as he's already proven to be a liar. I understand your temptation to explore this man but when it comes to an end it will end badly.

 

Most people who have entered into this type of situation regret it later on and wish they had never begun....read through this forum. Do you want to be one of those people posting about their torment down the road?

 

You asked, "don't we risk getting hurt in every 'romantic' circumstance?" Yes, but with a MM, the risk of getting hurt is 99.9999%....

 

 

I think he's with her because he wants the companionship and doesn't want to be alone. He's a very needy person in general. He has also said that he has never found the right person nor does he believe he will. But I'm not sure if I've invented that reason to make myself feel better?

[whichwayisup]

I think he's with her because he wants the companionship and doesn't want to be alone. He's a very needy person in general. He has also said that he has never found the right person nor does he believe he will. But I'm not sure if I've invented that reason to make myself feel better?

 

You don't know him or what goes on in his marriage. What you do know though is, he has lied to you and is after one thing.

 

You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Men like him are dogs, they view women a certain way and have no problem using them to feed their ego and sexual appetite.

 

Find your self respect and walk away. If you don't, you asked for the roller coaster ride and nobody to blame but yourself when it blows up in your face.

[nikki76]

In the end you will do what you want. But take it from me, a MW that just ended an A with a MM. It was the most exciting experience ive ever had yet the most painful at the same time. Not because of guilt but the pain in my heart that I have from dealing with an emotional rollercoaster. You will think you can be strong and not develop strong feelings, but you are a women, it doesnt happen that way.

 

It will turn into an addiction, when things are good, youre on top of thr world. When they are bad, you'll wish you were never born. But the high is so additicting, youll hurt anyone in its path to feel that high again.

 

Please save yourself while you're ahead.

[sunburned]

Please. You are not asexual as you've already "proven" by being sexually attracted to others. You are young (i assume) and will be attracted to many more men in your lifetime and they will be single and available. I feel sort of embarrassed for you that you would even consider his proposition. He lied from the beginning in a BIG WAY. And now he's making it clear he only wants sex and not a real relationship. You say he is the most intelligent and interesting person you've met. No offense, but if you're just starting university you just haven't had the opportunity to meet many intelligent and interesting people yet. They typically don't come along in high school.

 

You've said you've read the threads here. So you've seen the movie. You know how it will likely end. You will not be happy with a sex only relationship. Your post is rife with indicators you want more. You are wise to question how u \will feel "after." It won't be just guilt. you will feel used and cheap. At least he's been fairly honest in that he only wants a FWB relationship. Why should you settle for that? You're young and beautiful. So many other options!

 

You ask if you can help falling for him. We can't always control to whom we become attracted. But you can mitigate those feelings by staying away from him. Put as much time and distance between you as possible and you WILL get over him. Finally, while you can argue you were helpless in falling for him, you are not helpless in how you handle it. (for the record i'm an MW who had an A with a MM)

Edited August 23, 2014 by sunburned
typos

[Poppy47]

He has already lied to you once....why would you be interested in him at all?

 

Can you not find a guy who is unattached and able to treat you with respect?

 

This one is taken. If you become intimate with him, you are on the slippery slope to a hell you can't imagine.

 

Poppy

[bentleychic]

It's a painful road to walk. It might seem enticing. But honestly. Walk away. Draw from all the experience and pain from the people who we're all once in your footsteps.

I agree completely. I cannot imagine knowingly and willingly getting involved with a MM if love wasn't involved. I NEVER would have done so if I didn't love him and wasn't being promised future. Even then, I hope that if I'd known a forum like this existed before hand and knew all of these experiences and pain, etc. that was in the future, I would have sustained. I KNOW that a lot of people have to make mistakes themselves and learn from their own mistakes. If you want to do it, we can talk until we're blue in the fact and it won't matter. But you asked...I'd feel bad if I didn't at least warn you of the pain you may be about to endure.

 

There are SO many single men out there. I guarantee you can find that connection with someone else. You may enjoy it and have fun at first, but more times than not, getting involved with a MM or MW creates much heart ache and pain.

Edited August 23, 2014 by bentleychic

[GreySkyMorning]

Trust me, if he's already lied about even living with her, he's lying about the separate bed part too.

[jellybean89]

I think you should talk to him about how you feel towards him and let him know that if he were free to date, you would definitely be open to that. If that's completely out of the question, then you should start distancing yourself from him. Even though you already feel that you're in too deep, you simply cannot imagine how tangled and screwed up this web can, and will, get once the two of you cross the line of infidelity. I truly would not recommend this to anyone.

 

Sorry but that is the worst advise ever....why in the world would you suggest telling a MM who has already stated he wants sex, nothing more, that she has feeling for him????

 

He's not free to date - he's married! There is no future fantasies here...he wants sex, not a relationship and not to date her.

 

OP, run. Stop romanticizing this. You don't have this "connection" with this much much older man. You have a crush and it turns you on that he flirts with you and gives you attention. Stop playing with fire, you will be burned.

 

And FYI..I wouldn't be so quick to label his marriage a companionship marriage or give credence to them allegedly not sleeping together. This guy is a KNoWN liar..believe his words that it's just sex.

[SoftViolin]

don't we risk getting hurt in every 'romantic' circumstance?

 

Sure we do. But don't you deserve the best chance you can have in a 'romantic circumstance', knowing that? You are exactly right, chances are that your heart could be broken either way, but at least with an unattached man that you will be just as excited to start a relationship (or a fling!) with, your heart could be broken in a million different ways that you could not have thought of, but it will not be because of the humiliating circumstance you would be putting yourself into by starting the A with this man.

 

There are a lot of people on this forum, who will or are telling you very similar message, and there's a reason for that, but ultimately it's up to you to decide if you want to "risk" it on a chance that you won't get emotionally involved, or if you want to walk away. One thing is for certain though - you could even avoid falling in love with this person, but this feeling of guilt, of humiliation, of uncertainty in what you should do and why you've done things you've done - that is unavoidable either way if you get involved. And if you get involved, unfortunately, there's no rosy scenario here at the end, whichever way you spin the wheel. Might take you a couple extra turns, but you will end up at the place many of us here have been at. So, if you can at all, walk away. Whatever your ultimate choice is though, very best of luck to you!

[still_an_Angel]

You need to be strong and not act on your attraction to him. As you stated, you only came across 2 men who you felt this kind of sexual attraction to but this one already has a commitment. I speak as an OW, this is not an easy situation to be in, you still have the option to not walk down this path where its littered with pain and heartache.

 

 

I'm actually wondering if its more of the intellectual attraction that you feel which has crossed over to sexual? He is older and very intelligent, his brilliant mind is what fascinates you, the sexual side just followed to the initial mind chemistry? Nevertheless, he has clearly stated that he only wants a FWB relationship, not the kind that you would want to end up in.