Contemplating intimacy with a MM

[bathtub-row]

Sorry but that is the worst advise ever....why in the world would you suggest telling a MM who has already stated he wants sex, nothing more, that she has feeling for him????

 

He's not free to date - he's married! There is no future fantasies here...he wants sex, not a relationship and not to date her.

 

Now that I think about, I agree with you. It was bad advice.

[glow worm]

Naia, for your own sake, don't get any more involved with him. I've been where you are, my MM lied to me in the beginning as well. The spark and connection I felt with him were so strong that I was willing to remain in the A once I found out about the BW and put myself through horrible pain just to experience that high of being with him and that electrical connection we had. But as the others have said, ultimately, it's not worth it. The 5% of the time you will be able to spend with him isn't worth being miserable the other 95% of the time.

 

It's your life and you can do anything you want. But I just wanted to say I've been in your shoes. My situation was extremely similar to yours. And you should walk away now. Get him out of your life. The only other option is to continue in the A, experience years of pain and angst and wondering, and accepting the tiny scraps of time he can afford to you. A man who lied to you to begin with never had any intention of being with you, and it will eventually end anyway. It will be much less painful for you if it ends now than if it ends later, and you'll spare yourself years of heartache.

[Natsu21]

I love how everyone is giving her advice.

 

She's young and there's a successful man eyeing her.

 

She's trying to talk herself out of it but face it, the best teacher is experience.

 

She wants him more than she cares about his wife...or else she would have told him to fix the married.

 

She's going to be the Other Woman...then she's going to get attached(take it from ME...every time a woman becomes the Other Woman, she gets emotionally attached.

 

It's over...she's gonna cave in.

[Natsu21]

Not only that, I bet she'll desire for him to marry her.

 

This is a tale as old as time.

 

Girls meet MM, Girls falls for MM, Girl wants to be W, Girl thinks she can change him.

[SoftViolin]

It's over...she's gonna cave in.

Maybe, and maybe she won't. I know I would have appreciated some of the same advice given here when I was in a similar tough situation. You are right, experience is the best teacher and that's why we give advice. It's easy to be cynical. Forgiving others, and yourself, is much harder. Best of luck to you as well, Natsu, in whatever it is your are struggling with.

[glow worm]

I love how everyone is giving her advice ....

 

She's trying to talk herself out of it but face it, the best teacher is experience...

 

It's over...she's gonna cave in.

 

Natsu, sadly there is some truth in what you're saying. If I had been on this forum several years ago when I was in OP's shoes, I honestly don't think anyone's post would have really influenced me. I was deeply in love with him and nothing could have convinced me to stop the relationship.

 

But despite that, being the OW was an absolute living hell and if there is even a 1% chance that I can use my experience to help some other girl avoid what I went through I will try my best.

Edited August 24, 2014 by glow worm
wording

[Happy01]

It will hurt, and then it will hurt more then you thought it could, and then it will hurt some more even after that.

Maybe It might work out...

but the pain will be a part of your ever day.

 

 

You mentioned dreams?

They too will get worse.

 

 

Its a difficult and very confusing path to choose.

 

 

Your self esteem will take a beating as well.

 

 

Good luck!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I love how everyone is giving her advice.

 

She's young and there's a successful man eyeing her.

 

She's trying to talk herself out of it but face it, the best teacher is experience.

 

She wants him more than she cares about his wife...or else she would have told him to fix the married.

 

She's going to be the Other Woman...then she's going to get attached(take it from ME...every time a woman becomes the Other Woman, she gets emotionally attached.

 

It's over...she's gonna cave in.

 

If she was in her late 30's or older I don't believe there would be such passionate responses. To see a young girl go down this path when she's just beginning to make a life for herself and learn and grow into who she will become as an adult is heartbreaking. You're right that the chances of a bunch of strangers changing her mind pales in comparison to the excitement she feels by even dreaming about or contemplating this situation. It's just really sad because anyone of know that it will change her and her path and not for the better.

[Natsu21]

Maybe, and maybe she won't. I know I would have appreciated some of the same advice given here when I was in a similar tough situation. You are right, experience is the best teacher and that's why we give advice. It's easy to be cynical. Forgiving others, and yourself, is much harder. Best of luck to you as well, Natsu, in whatever it is your are struggling with.

 

I'm a guy.

 

My ex did this to me. Poor girl fell in love with a married man and tried to talk herself out of it, but she still cheated on me with him.

[Natsu21]

I'm a guy.

 

My ex did this to me. Poor girl fell in love with a married man and tried to talk herself out of it, but she still cheated on me with him.

 

On that note, here's the reason I think she's going to do it.

 

Problem with these young girls getting involved with these married men that they obviously know are bad for them is the same old story. A female friend of mine said this.

 

"She knows what she's getting into. She just thinks she's going to be the one that changes him"

 

OP is probably thinking that if she goes along with this, he's going to divorce his wife for her. Now don't get me wrong, she knows that there's a slim chance of that happening...

 

But it's that slim hope that keeps her there. Just for the small chance of being the "one"

[bathtub-row]

On that note, here's the reason I think she's going to do it.

 

Problem with these young girls getting involved with these married men that they obviously know are bad for them is the same old story. A female friend of mine said this.

 

"She knows what she's getting into. She just thinks she's going to be the one that changes him"

 

OP is probably thinking that if she goes along with this, he's going to divorce his wife for her. Now don't get me wrong, she knows that there's a slim chance of that happening...

 

But it's that slim hope that keeps her there. Just for the small chance of being the "one"

 

I think you're right about this. A person can know it's a huge risk but they think it's worth the gamble. Only, basically, 100% of the time it isn't.

[naia]

Please. You are not asexual as you've already "proven" by being sexually attracted to others.

 

No offense, but if you're just starting university you just haven't had the opportunity to meet many intelligent and interesting people yet. They typically don't come along in high school.

 

I didn't get any email notifications so I'm trying to catch up on the replies now, I appreciate many of the points you have made BUT please do not tell me that I'm not asexual. Grey-asexual is the gap between asexuality and sexuality which is where I fall, albeit on the more asexual side.

 

I choose to identify as asexual as it's far easier than explaining that at 27 years old I have spent the last 10+ years with boys/men I have no sexual desire for, but have been going through the motions. I've had psychosexual therapy but of course I cannot 'cure' my sexuality (or lack of).

 

I would like to find someone I feel this way about who is available to me, but I don't have much hope to be quite honest. I understand why you made the assumption about my age/not meeting many people yet etc and I wish that was true to be honest.

[naia]

You need to be strong and not act on your attraction to him. As you stated, you only came across 2 men who you felt this kind of sexual attraction to but this one already has a commitment. I speak as an OW, this is not an easy situation to be in, you still have the option to not walk down this path where its littered with pain and heartache.

 

 

I'm actually wondering if its more of the intellectual attraction that you feel which has crossed over to sexual? He is older and very intelligent, his brilliant mind is what fascinates you, the sexual side just followed to the initial mind chemistry? Nevertheless, he has clearly stated that he only wants a FWB relationship, not the kind that you would want to end up in.

 

Thank you for this, yes you are correct about the attraction. I don't actually want a relationship with him, or with anybody for that matter. I think part of the attraction is that we definitely can't be together! He's not going to leave his wife for me even if he magically developed feelings for me. I quite like that security. The only thing preventing me from doing anything is the fact that I should just let this go and hope to find someone who is available who just wants to be casual. Then there will be no wife to potentially hurt..

[naia]

I'd also like to add, as much as I don't want to, I'm trying really hard to take in all this advice and listen to it, because I know you're all right. I know I'm right, in fact, and if I asked anybody I know personally they'd all say the same thing too. I rarely ask for advice as I am the sort of person who likes to make mistakes as its usually the only way I learn (I think this was mentioned) but when I do I take it seriously, especially when it comes from experience.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I know you may think it's falling on deaf ears but I'm becoming increasingly disheartened (wrong word in this case) and I spent a few days not speaking to him in order to work out how I felt without him clouding my judgement, and to be honest it was really hard and I felt like I was going through a breakup. I know now that this will only intensify if we made this intimate and broke it off later down the line rather than now. I spoke to him yesterday and he asked me to meet him tonight, I think I'm going to say no.

 

I start back at university in 2 weeks for my final year, fingers crossed he wasn't lying about the fact that he'd quit and he won't walk through the door, subjecting me to spend another year with him!

[spiderowl]

I understand what you mean CarrieT, I do feel guilty that his wife is unaware of this and would most likely be very hurt if she found out. That's assuming that they are actually together and not just cohabiting as he claims.

nomoresunshine the fact that he lied is a big deal to me yes. And definitely in the 'against' column.

I'm not thinking long term, I've had flings before and that's what I would want this to be. As I mentioned though I'm worried I'll fall for him and get hurt, but on the other hand don't we risk getting hurt in every 'romantic' circumstance? I guess what I really wish I knew is whether this will hurt me more due to the fact that he's married than if I was seeing an unmarried man..

 

Fling or not, what about his wife, who he is lying to by omission? Also, if he has misled you about this, does that not diminish him in your eyes?

 

The attraction is obviously very strong and hard to resist. Maybe thoughts of D-Day (when his wife finds out) will deter you a little? Perhaps you could ask yourself what he thinks of you? He has already outlined a casual sex relationship with you - do you find that caring or thoughtful enough? Can you convince yourself you don't mind if he doesn't really care that much about your feelings and future?