Low self-esteem/depression?

[nadineinlove]

I posted in the break-up section about a disastrous encounter I had with my ex recently, and it made me realise a few things... When I was with my ex a few years back, I became very insecure with him, and needy etc... I didn't like the person I became, and over the past few years that I've spent alone I thought I had worked to improve myself on that.

 

After seeing my ex again, and breaking down infront of him... I'm realising that maybe I have more issues than I realised?

 

Someone asked me this in my last post: 'Why are you needy? Why do you feel the need for validation? Why are you insecure?'

 

I am trying to understand why I am like this... I think it has to do with the fact I am a lonely person, and feel like an outsider, and maybe even suffer from depression? I don't know?

 

If anyone saw my life from the outside, they'd think it was perfect. I don't want to sound big-headed here, but for the purposes of you guys helping me I need to say these things. I know I am beautiful (in terms of how society views looks), have what people call a 'perfect body', I have an amazing job, I have great sense of style. I have interesting taste in movies, music... Love to travel, dance... and am a nice person. But I am an introvert, and have struggled all my life to go out in big social settings... I am very select and fussy with friends/people I hang out with. Therefore I don't go out that much, and meet very few people. I spend most of my time alone or with family, if I don't meet up one-on-one with friends. All of my close girlfriends have boyfriends, so spend most of their time with their otherhalves.

 

My ex, who my last post was about, I felt a very strong connection with... I felt like he understood me and I understood him on a completely other level to anyone else in this world. I have always felt like I haven't belonged anywhere, but when I was with him, that didn't matter because I belonged with him. I think he's an introvert like me, and likes the same crazy things that I do too.

I guess because of these reasons I felt like I needed him in my life.

 

When we broke up I felt like I had to accept that we were over, but I think a part of me felt that we'd get back together eventually when we had both grown up.

 

Anyway those points aside, I thought I had grown out of my needy/insecure phase when we were together a few years. But seeing him again brought all that back.

 

I don't know if I suffer from low self-esteem or depression, but after what happened with him recently, I have really hated myself. I hate how I reacted, and how I couldn't control my emotions or feelings with him. I hated how I let him have so much control over me, and I hated that I felt like I lost him all over again. I must have scared him off so much, and I totally understand that. But how do I stop this from happening again?

 

Right now I don't feel like seeing anyone, I don't feel like going out, I want to be alone with my thoughts... I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore... I see people, with their partner, with their children.. and I think to myself, what is the point? What is the point in existing? I feel like I have no reason to live, or if anyone would care if I disappeared. I can't talk to my friends about my feelings, I don't think they even have a clue or even know who I really am... I just wonder what am I doing with my life? I go to work, come home, and repeat... I have so much love to give, and I care about certain people so much, especially my ex... I care about him so much... my heart is so big, I am kind and caring and sweet, and give a lot... but I feel hollow inside right now and I don't know how to live my life. I don't know how to love myself and I don't know how to be happy... because right now I hate myself for ruining things with him. He revealed to me he thinks he has depression, that he never smiles, that nothing satisfies him... and I didn't tell him anything, but I wonder if I suffer from the same?

 

I don't understand my mind or my feelings. I am so confused. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.. MY friends say I just need to meet someone else, someone who is more mature and who will love me no matter what... But how can I meet someone else when I don't even know who I am?

Edited August 23, 2014 by nadineinlove

[Mr Scorpio]

But how can I meet someone else when I don't even know who I am?

 

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of who you are. To wit:

 

I know I am beautiful (in terms of how society views looks), have what people call a 'perfect body', I have an amazing job, I have great sense of style. I have interesting taste in movies, music... Love to travel, dance... and am a nice person. But I am an introvert, and have struggled all my life to go out in big social settings... I am very select and fussy with friends/people I hang out with.

[amaysngrace]

It's simple really...you say over and over again that you feel like you don't belong.

 

It's a totally false statement. You belong wherever you are because wherever you are is exactly where you're suppose to be.

 

If I were you I'd stop comparing myself to others. Nobody is perfect. And the way you describe yourself sounds pretty perfect to me.

 

So go out in the world and stop giving a crap about what other people think of you...they aren't perfect either.

[nadineinlove]

Can anyone else share their insight?

 

Despite my life maybe appearing perfect from the outside, I am miserable and unhappy... I don't have any 'real' friends. and I just messed things up with who I thought was the love of my life.

 

What is wrong with me?

[newmoon]

you sound quite normal. nothing you mentioned is unique to you, and it doesn't sound like you have issues. it just sounds like perhaps you don't have enough friendships/social stuff going on, so perhaps this ex became your life, and when he left or whatever the life you had going fell apart and you're having a hard time recovering from that. if you don't have enough outside interests or hobbies or etc. you are left devastated when a romantic partner walks out, because you're investing too much into that one person and relying upon them for everything during the relationship. i would spend a lot of time being alone, building a life you love, and then when you meet someone else (and you will), you won't be needy/focused on them because you have a lot going on. i think you're just like many of us women, you love someone with your whole heart and want to please them and make them happy, but don't do enough for yourself.

[nadineinlove]

you sound quite normal. nothing you mentioned is unique to you, and it doesn't sound like you have issues. it just sounds like perhaps you don't have enough friendships/social stuff going on, so perhaps this ex became your life, and when he left or whatever the life you had going fell apart and you're having a hard time recovering from that. if you don't have enough outside interests or hobbies or etc. you are left devastated when a romantic partner walks out, because you're investing too much into that one person and relying upon them for everything during the relationship. i would spend a lot of time being alone, building a life you love, and then when you meet someone else (and you will), you won't be needy/focused on them because you have a lot going on. i think you're just like many of us women, you love someone with your whole heart and want to please them and make them happy, but don't do enough for yourself.

 

The thing is for the past 2 years I have spent a lot of time trying to find myself, finding new hobbies, I knew I didn't have him anymore so I built a life without him. But as soon as he came back, the rest of my life just crumbled and disappeared out of sight, and its as if only him matters...

 

I dont really want to meet anyone else, and to be honest I don't think i will when he's always there in my mind.I think I will love him forever

 

This definitely rings true for me:

 

i think you're just like many of us women, you love someone with your whole heart and want to please them and make them happy, but don't do enough for yourself.

[chilliflower]

Hey Nadine,

 

I can relate a lot to all you've written, and I really feel for what you're going through.

 

sometimes guys are attracted to a woman that seems to 'have it all' because they are lacking themselves - like somehow you will lift them out of their own insecurity/boredom/lack of excitement etc and give them the perfect life they always wanted. and when they find out that you have insecurities/hang ups just like everyone else they get a bit disgusted by it? Or get disappointed. Or maybe they expected you to help them out of their own misery and forget all about their own problems? I have experienced that.

 

I really like this quote from the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a ****ed up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind."

 

some people think that if you are beautiful, have a good job, are confident etc then you have nothing to complain about. They don't understand what low self-esteem is...

 

Low self-esteem can be found where least expected. People are very surprised who can suffer from this - I hide it well and only people really close to me know about it, and by no means know the extent - it seems to absolutely push people away. I feel that for me - learnt only through extensively counselling - it stems from not feeling good enough as a child.

 

Did you ever feel that you had to compete for your parents attention? that you had to constantly please them to try to get their attention or stop them from being angry, or look after them cos they were incapable?

I did this. Don't quote me but I feel we tend to recreate patterns throughout our lives that relate back to our relationships with our parents.

I was never praised, only criticised or ignored, ridiculed, bullied. It made me clingy, needing that love and affection and trying everything I could do to get it. Worried that if I didn't try my parents would ignore me, and didn't love me.

My life revolved around keeping them happy and that became my entire sense of self: my self-esteem was based on how happy I made them... and feeling a failure or unlovable if my attempts didn't work; neglecting my own wants and needs just to feel some sense of security.

 

In fact I feel our parents/care-givers are supposed to instill us with a sense of worth - to encourage our strengths and accept or improve our weaknesses, to love and cherish us. I feel that if you had a happy, supportive and loved background you are more likely to have a normal life and happy relationships.

 

does any of this ring true for you?

 

I began to spend a lot of time on my own as it was easier than trying to fit in with my bs family. It was very lonely, but they didn't understand or accept me.

I felt like an outsider, and still do, and like you find it difficult to 'fit in', esp in groups of people (one on one is ok).

Relationships are hard - I drop everything and make my partner my life and then wonder why they don't try as hard and I get upset and try harder or withdraw, feeling that I'm not good enough.

 

I tend to gravitate towards selfish people (like my parents), and partners that will ultimately not give me what I need. Again recreating the child/parent dynamic (look-up attachment theory - there are tests you can do to determine your attachment style, which are insightful).

Do you feel you are drawn towards people that exacerbate your insecurities? It is *exhausting*

 

Like you I feel good when I'm single - all the insecurities fade and you think they are gone for good... then bam! when in a relationship it comes creeping back slowly until it consumes your entire life and you don't know who you are anymore.

 

 

I don't know how to love myself and I don't know how to be happy... because right now I hate myself for ruining things with him....

 

...I don't understand my mind or my feelings. I am so confused. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.. MY friends say I just need to meet someone else, someone who is more mature and who will love me no matter what... But how can I meet someone else when I don't even know who I am?

 

This sounds really insightful. Are you having counselling? If not it sounds like it would be useful to you (as it has been for me). It can really help you understand your behaviour and your own needs. It takes time and it can be long, hard work, but it can be rewarding, and help you to live a more 'manageable' life, and eventually love yourself.

[nadineinlove]

Hey Nadine,

 

I can relate a lot to all you've written, and I really feel for what you're going through.

 

sometimes guys are attracted to a woman that seems to 'have it all' because they are lacking themselves - like somehow you will lift them out of their own insecurity/boredom/lack of excitement etc and give them the perfect life they always wanted. and when they find out that you have insecurities/hang ups just like everyone else they get a bit disgusted by it? Or get disappointed. Or maybe they expected you to help them out of their own misery and forget all about their own problems? I have experienced that.

 

I really like this quote from the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a ****ed up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind."

 

some people think that if you are beautiful, have a good job, are confident etc then you have nothing to complain about. They don't understand what low self-esteem is...

 

Low self-esteem can be found where least expected. People are very surprised who can suffer from this - I hide it well and only people really close to me know about it, and by no means know the extent - it seems to absolutely push people away. I feel that for me - learnt only through extensively counselling - it stems from not feeling good enough as a child.

 

Did you ever feel that you had to compete for your parents attention? that you had to constantly please them to try to get their attention or stop them from being angry, or look after them cos they were incapable?

I did this. Don't quote me but I feel we tend to recreate patterns throughout our lives that relate back to our relationships with our parents.

I was never praised, only criticised or ignored, ridiculed, bullied. It made me clingy, needing that love and affection and trying everything I could do to get it. Worried that if I didn't try my parents would ignore me, and didn't love me.

My life revolved around keeping them happy and that became my entire sense of self: my self-esteem was based on how happy I made them... and feeling a failure or unlovable if my attempts didn't work; neglecting my own wants and needs just to feel some sense of security.

 

In fact I feel our parents/care-givers are supposed to instill us with a sense of worth - to encourage our strengths and accept or improve our weaknesses, to love and cherish us. I feel that if you had a happy, supportive and loved background you are more likely to have a normal life and happy relationships.

 

does any of this ring true for you?

 

I began to spend a lot of time on my own as it was easier than trying to fit in with my bs family. It was very lonely, but they didn't understand or accept me.

I felt like an outsider, and still do, and like you find it difficult to 'fit in', esp in groups of people (one on one is ok).

Relationships are hard - I drop everything and make my partner my life and then wonder why they don't try as hard and I get upset and try harder or withdraw, feeling that I'm not good enough.

 

I tend to gravitate towards selfish people (like my parents), and partners that will ultimately not give me what I need. Again recreating the child/parent dynamic (look-up attachment theory - there are tests you can do to determine your attachment style, which are insightful).

Do you feel you are drawn towards people that exacerbate your insecurities? It is *exhausting*

 

Like you I feel good when I'm single - all the insecurities fade and you think they are gone for good... then bam! when in a relationship it comes creeping back slowly until it consumes your entire life and you don't know who you are anymore.

 

 

 

 

This sounds really insightful. Are you having counselling? If not it sounds like it would be useful to you (as it has been for me). It can really help you understand your behaviour and your own needs. It takes time and it can be long, hard work, but it can be rewarding, and help you to live a more 'manageable' life, and eventually love yourself.

 

Thank you so much for your reply Chilliflower

 

You have opened my eyes... Yes, I did feel like I wasn't good enough as a child, the only thing is I wasn't rejected by my parents... They loved me immensely, but it was another family member who bullied me, and didn't like me and as a child I couldn't understand it. Growing up I felt like people didn't like me and I had to be super nice in order for them to like me, I felt like I could never be myself as I was afraid I wouldn't be liked

 

I had other relationships, and I never had feelings for them and I used to wonder why I spent so long in them but now I realise I was only in them because they made me feel good about myself, and made me feel loved (Very selfish I know, but I was very young and couldn't see it at the time). I felt that the guys I did like would never like me, so I never even tried

 

Then I met my most recent ex and I swear it was love at first sight, instantly felt connected as soon as I met him.. and he said he felt the same way, we fell in love very quickly and I never loved anyone more. I think this is why I found it so difficult when I lost him, because I finally found somoene who loved me just as much as I loved them. And he loved me for me, I was able to be myself... I could be silly, say anything and do anything, and he still loved me, still thought I was beautiful, still thought I was sexy. I loved him so much and would have done anything for him, and it broke my heart so much when we broke up.

 

However, it wasn't completely perfect. I was downright scared, scared that he was going to realise I'm not that special and find someone else and leave me. I began to fear that I wasn't good enough for him and that he was meet someone else, and I pushed him away by clinging on too tight.

 

He told me he felt suffocated, even though he loved me... I couldn't see my behaviour at the time and I killed the relationhsip. Its really sad, because we really could have had something so beautiful forever, but I couldn't handle it

 

Years have gone by now and I can see how I messed up but never did anything about it

 

I saw him now recently, and I broke down and told him I haven't met anyone I felt the same way as I did him. I also told him I didn't want to walk away from this if its something special.

 

I totally freaked him out. So yes, I think I need to see a counsellor because I need to sort these issues out before I ruin my next relationship...