What am I to do? (LONG READ)

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'd like to believe that I've voluntarily put myself in a bad position.

 

After a failed relationship because I wasn't completely over my previous ex-girlfriend, my sister suggested that I take time off of women to "fix" myself. She said that I abstain from pursuing women for any reason (and that includes that sex). Considering she's practically best friends with my previous ex-girlfriend (they became best friends AFTER the breakup), the woman who got me into this mess in the first place, I didn't want to take her advice. At that point in time, my sister was more of an enemy than my previous ex-girlfriend because I thought...my ex-girlfriend wasn't obligated to stay with me; yeah I feel like **** about it, but I mean nothing to her anymore. My sister, on the other hand, is flesh and blood. I felt like she prospered from my downfall, and I think that's legitimately messed up. I thought about it for a little while and realize that she makes some logical sense, even if she's never been heartbroken (she's only had experience dealing with breaking hearts). So...I decided to take her advice by not pursuing women. Whatever. I deleted my online dating profiles, and stopped being interested in women.

 

It was fine for a while, but then I decided to try and "fix" some things in my life. It's a long story that I won't get into here, but I'm participating in this thing called "NoFap" which is growing in popularity over websites like Reddit, 4Chan, and etc. NoFap is basically where you abstain from pornography and masturbation. I have my reasons, but I'm not going to go into detail because I don't expect many people on this forum to agree with the whole idea, anyway.

 

So...I can't pursue women romantically. Not a huge deal, but I do miss being in a relationship. I can handle being without a relationship. In normal circumstances, I would just pursue sex. However, I can't do that, either. If I was pursuing female friendships, well...I wouldn't be...because I know damn well that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

Since I can't have sex with a woman, most guys would get rid of the urges by making love to themselves. However, because I'm in NoFap, I can't do that without feeling guilty about it. Feeling guilty about masturbating, it's not an experience of being "intimate" with yourself but rather just something to satisfy a temporary desire.

 

Over time, as you can imagine, temptation builds up. I find myself browsing websites that offer sex, but they either require large payments (like a sex club), or the ads are made by 40 year old men who have nothing better to do than to impersonate sexually promiscuous women. Essentially, I get really desperate.

 

Some people say may "well why don't you exercise?" "Why don't you do yoga? Meditation? Muy Thai? Buy a BB gun and shoot pedestrians?" While that's great and all, I may have a case of mild depression. If it's not depression, it's something negative that I've had for a very long time which gives me 0 motivation. The whole "NoFap" thing is just a start, but I haven't actually done anything to better my life. I sometimes have thoughts of suicide and things of that nature, and I'm not proud of it. The whole purpose of spending time away from women was to have more time to fix myself, but I haven't had any motivation to fix myself. So essentially, I am depriving myself on every level. I could get back into a relationship, start having sex with women again and at least I'd be doing something instead of nothing and right now...my whole life is at a standstill.

 

I have no clue what to do. I work a physically demanding job making twice as much as I did working at a grocery store, but I don't have the money to live on my own or things like that.

 

I've tried reading self-help books and pretending that I'm doing better, but not much has really changed. This is not an issue where I can "just do it." Anyone who has knowledge on depression, or whatever the case may be, know better than to saying something ridiculous like that. I wish the answer to my life was that simple, to just do it, but I don't have motivation. I don't know what I want, I don't know where I want to be. The only things I really think about are should I play video games before I leave for work, or something like that. I don't know what to do. Abstaining from sex and things like that is just driving me into a deeper hole making it all worse.

 

What am I to do?

[Haydn]

I think you are making a slight mistake to cut yourself off from girls. If you feel it is digging you into a deeper hole then then get out and about a bit more. When i was dropped the very idea of another girl would tie me up in painful knots. I felt so sick at the thought. I reckon family are the worst people to get advice from. They defend us to the death against anyone, (Usually). My mates never told me to move on etc and all that bollocks. They listened to my bollocks for a while then told me to get out there again and see what happens. If you want to have `wank`, then have one. A quick hand shandy may be what you need sometimes. Do what you want to in a sense. Grieve and morn, it is essential to moving on but put your head out of the door and see whats out there. Good luck Ox.

[todreaminblue]

I am a woman with a high sex drive......and i am celibate .......its not easy to abstain when you have urges to do exactly the opposite.....i read on loveshack once that soy products increase oestrogen and are effective in lowering sex drive......for men....i am full of oestrogen so not really applicable to women but you could try it...dont know if ti works.....

 

when i have the urge for sex.....

 

 

i do something else exercise and dance helps me as does yoga...the stretching is sensual.....

 

one thing i do when i have these urges is to pray..ill ask god to help me through it........or i get on here and try and help someone....or i do it in real life....ill call someone talk to someone....see a friend......write poetry ill do something...to dissuade the restlessness i feel...ill journal........luckily for me i only really get urges when i am attracted to someone.....so the urges are in line with me having feelings other than sex for someone and i dont do casual relationships

 

never really liked porn......its fake......boring to me......and self pleasure ....well.....i dance or do yoga...salute to the sun.........lol..which is an alternative to that for me.....i havent gone without sex as long as i have in recent years not since i was a teen.......i wish you well with your wishes to abstain.........deb

[whichwayisup]

Is this nofap a cult or something? I've never heard of it. Just wondering but you mentioned guilt...And guilt is a bad emotion to feel, especially if you are trying to do something and it's not working - Beating up on yourself and making yourself feel guilty serves NO purpose, except to make you feel worse! So, stop!

 

Look, if you want to a sexual for a while then you need to stop browsing stuff online that is sex related.

 

Also, your sister befriending your ex is suspicious. And telling you not to date others..Was that your ex's influence on her?

[TheyCallMeOx]

I think you are making a slight mistake to cut yourself off from girls. If you feel it is digging you into a deeper hole then then get out and about a bit more. When i was dropped the very idea of another girl would tie me up in painful knots. I felt so sick at the thought. I reckon family are the worst people to get advice from. They defend us to the death against anyone, (Usually). My mates never told me to move on etc and all that bollocks. They listened to my bollocks for a while then told me to get out there again and see what happens. If you want to have `wank`, then have one. A quick hand shandy may be what you need sometimes. Do what you want to in a sense. Grieve and morn, it is essential to moving on but put your head out of the door and see whats out there. Good luck Ox.

 

So you think I should go back to pursuing women even if I don't have everything figured out with my life?

 

I am a woman with a high sex drive......and i am celibate .......its not easy to abstain when you have urges to do exactly the opposite.....i read on loveshack once that soy products increase oestrogen and are effective in lowering sex drive......for men....i am full of oestrogen so not really applicable to women but you could try it...dont know if ti works.....

 

when i have the urge for sex.....

 

 

i do something else exercise and dance helps me as does yoga...the stretching is sensual.....

 

one thing i do when i have these urges is to pray..ill ask god to help me through it........or i get on here and try and help someone....or i do it in real life....ill call someone talk to someone....see a friend......write poetry ill do something...to dissuade the restlessness i feel...ill journal........luckily for me i only really get urges when i am attracted to someone.....so the urges are in line with me having feelings other than sex for someone and i dont do casual relationships

 

never really liked porn......its fake......boring to me......and self pleasure ....well.....i dance or do yoga...salute to the sun.........lol..which is an alternative to that for me.....i havent gone without sex as long as i have in recent years not since i was a teen.......i wish you well with your wishes to abstain.........deb

 

I do blog all the time, and I'm not a religious dude. God's giving me the silent treatment. I guess I'll just have to find more stuff to keep my mind pre-occupied. :\

 

Is this nofap a cult or something? I've never heard of it. Just wondering but you mentioned guilt...And guilt is a bad emotion to feel, especially if you are trying to do something and it's not working - Beating up on yourself and making yourself feel guilty serves NO purpose, except to make you feel worse! So, stop!

 

Look, if you want to a sexual for a while then you need to stop browsing stuff online that is sex related.

 

Also, your sister befriending your ex is suspicious. And telling you not to date others..Was that your ex's influence on her?

 

I doubt it. My ex knows she did enough damage to me the night she broke up with me. I'm still paying a hospital bill because of that night. At this point, I feel pretty confident to say that I don't cross her mind. If anything, she probably wants me to get better. My sister went through her own little relationship experience and I guess spent some time as a single woman, so I guess she was giving me authentic advice. Also, NoFap is an activity that people participate in (men and women). I don't know if I would call it a cult, but it's like...I don't know...a hobby, almost. If you like rock climbing, you'll find people who rock climb, and offer advice, and preach about how awesome rock climbing. Instead of rock climbing, it's abstaining from porn and masturbation...if that makes sense.

Edited August 24, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[Eternal Sunshine]

You do realize that you can start mastrubating and pursuing women any time you want? I don't understand why you are sticking with no fap and no women if it's making you that miserable.

[TheyCallMeOx]

You do realize that you can start mastrubating and pursuing women any time you want? I don't understand why you are sticking with no fap and no women if it's making you that miserable.

 

Well, like I said...it's a long story, and I have my reasons for doing NoFap. I have a blog dedicated to NoFap, but I'm pretty sure I can't include any links on this forum so...:\ Yeah, it's making me miserable, but it's for the greater good. I gotta go through the bad to get to the good.

[Smilecharmer]

Fap, for goodness sake, no fapping is like torture. You poor young man. I can fap and read Shakespeare at the same time. I mean sometimes Shakespeare makes me want to fap, or perusing self help books or shooting pedestrians with B&B guns, which is kinda mean really. What I can't do is try to do something meaningful with my life or day when my single biggest solitary fun thing is taken away. Fap, fap, fap with glee.

[Haydn]

I don`t think anyone truly figures their life out, that could be a bit boring....

 

But i think that if you see what happens if you meet girls it could help with the others issues in your life. Everyone becomes very insular when dropped, pretty normal but a distraction could be good to make you stop thinking so negatively about yourself? I wallowed for a long time, when i got out again it helped, slowly at first as i resisted the feeling of happiness as i felt so sorry for myself. But slowly it worked. Give it a go Ox. You write such good posts here, i am a fan and so are many others.

[Mr Scorpio]

First you said that your sister suggested that you "fix yourself". Then, you state that you decided to "fix some things in your life".

 

What is it that you are trying to fix? Finding yourself and discovering what you want to do with your life? If so, what does abstaining from women and masturbation have to do with accomplishing these things?

 

Furthermore, where did you get the notion of guilt by masturbation? Sure, if you're a guy that has a 40gig porn collection and you spend two hours a night going through a ritual, then that is a problem. Otherwise, it is completely natural.

 

If your abstinence is driving you into a deeper hole (ffftch!) then quit abstaining!

[TheyCallMeOx]

Fap, for goodness sake, no fapping is like torture. You poor young man. I can fap and read Shakespeare at the same time. I mean sometimes Shakespeare makes me want to fap, or perusing self help books or shooting pedestrians with B&B guns, which is kinda mean really. What I can't do is try to do something meaningful with my life or day when my single biggest solitary fun thing is taken away. Fap, fap, fap with glee.

 

It is torture, but the benefits of NoFap can be just what I need in my life. I plan to go 90 days just to see what happens, and if nothing big changes in my life then I'll go right back to fapping. It's just 90 days...no big deal. Right?....RIGHT? :'(

 

I don`t think anyone truly figures their life out, that could be a bit boring....

 

But i think that if you see what happens if you meet girls it could help with the others issues in your life. Everyone becomes very insular when dropped, pretty normal but a distraction could be good to make you stop thinking so negatively about yourself? I wallowed for a long time, when i got out again it helped, slowly at first as i resisted the feeling of happiness as i felt so sorry for myself. But slowly it worked. Give it a go Ox. You write such good posts here, i am a fan and so are many others.

 

Hey, I appreciate the kind words man. I always try to do my best.

 

I mean...I really don't have my life figured out. You might have a career and your own place. Yeah, you might not have everything figured out, but you've got something to work with. I live with my grandparents, 24 years old, don't have a career, and don't have much to show for myself. Most women are lookin' for the kind of dude who's got a wad of cash in his pocket, 9-5 job, and a high sex drive to save for the weekends. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and that's why my sister has suggested to figure some stuff out first before I get into dating and all that stuff. But if I pursue sex, it doesn't really matter what happens outside the bedroom...so that, I can understand. I have more success getting relationships than I do actually getting laid, and I guess it's because women look at me as a "I wanna date the sh*t out of that dude" rather than a "I wanna f*ck his brains out dude." I know that if I were to pursue sex, I'd be lookin' for relationships, thinking I may stumble across a woman who initially wants sex but turns out to be a woman with a bangin' personality. I want to date a woman when I'm in a good position in my life, so she won't dry up in her lady bits trying to masturbate to the thought of me, but she's thinking "this dude ain't got sh*t figured out. He ain't no man!" I can't really be a good boyfriend if she spends time doubting the future and all that stuff. That's just miserable. So that's what I mean by "fixing myself." A good woman deserves a good man, and I don't want to be like "hey, I'm amazing. Oh, and by the way, I fail at life."

 

But you're right. I need a distraction because my worst moments are when I'm sitting on my computer chair just thinking about stuff. There's no harm in trying to get back out there. After all, I was the one heartbroken, right? Why should I choose to suffer more than I already have involuntarily? I'll give your advice some consideration.

 

First you said that your sister suggested that you "fix yourself". Then, you state that you decided to "fix some things in your life".

 

What is it that you are trying to fix? Finding yourself and discovering what you want to do with your life? If so, what does abstaining from women and masturbation have to do with accomplishing these things?

 

Furthermore, where did you get the notion of guilt by masturbation? Sure, if you're a guy that has a 40gig porn collection and you spend two hours a night going through a ritual, then that is a problem. Otherwise, it is completely natural.

 

If your abstinence is driving you into a deeper hole (ffftch!) then quit abstaining!

 

As I've mentioned a little bit above this, I don't have direction in my life. I need direction and felt that getting a girlfriend would cause me to enjoy the good feelings again without paying attention to the stuff that I need to take care of. My biggest weakness is that I give short term satisfaction a priority over long-term which is why I'm in the position that I am in. I've been through some kind of depression for the past several years, so I've coped with my struggle through short-term happiness.

 

mastering your sex drive will help you control your impluses.

 

i say stick to it.

 

also becoming emotionally self soothing, self decisive and emotionally less dependent will make you a better partner and more stable in the long run.

 

 

pay now or pay latter....

 

 

good for you that you are being so determined about having some clear pursuits. it's seems like you might need to think more about how to go about it.. it's very AA. maybe you can use that??!

 

 

go find male communities of people with similar goals and interest.

having guy friends is soooooooooooooooooooooooo fun. women are not the only cool sex. hello:P

 

Yeah, I'm looking into different communities and whatnot. I have a very high sex drive, but I have very low self-restraint. I have trouble resisting temptations. Sometimes I find myself on Craigslist lookin' for casual encounters and that just never works out. I know a lot of people may think that it doesn't make any sense to quit masturbating and whatnot, but I'm a part of internet communities that deal with porn/masturbation addiction, and there's potentially good benefits. So we'll see how it goes. I'm not gonna lie, though. Males make great friends. I didn't have many female friends but when I did, I always thought things like "hmm....I wonder what she looks like NAKED." I could have a female friend and not pursue her, but that doesn't mean I would say "no" if she wanted to have "experiences." Hah.

[whichwayisup]

I live with my grandparents, 24 years old, don't have a career,

What is your passion, your interests, hobbies? Things that you love to do and learn about?

 

Figure that out or just venture out there and try new things that might open doors for you and/or for you to make connections professionally that you can use the future.

 

Make up your mind that you are going to 'do'! Make a plan and just do it, you are young and have the whole world ahead of you. These days many people don't just have "one" career. Go and see what's out there, learn and gain experience.