Filed For Divorce

[SamSam68]

Sorry its been a while. I've been consumed with what is going on in my life.

 

 

Back story: H has been having an affair with an exGF. He initially denied it, then minimized it. I took my son and have been staying at my moms, then went on holiday. During that time my H moved into a short term rental near his office. Initially we were going to work on things. Had one appt. with a counselor but then I found out his GF spent at least 3 nights in a row with him at his apartment. I lost it and retained a lawyer. The lawyer convinced me it was better to be a Plaintiff in a divorce if it goes to trial.

 

 

H has gone from saying that he loves me and he's confused to "it's all your fault, your only focus is on our son...you just married me because you wanted a child."

 

 

We live in a no fault state. Our assets are fairly easily divided. I don't think that he is going to give me a hard time financially, but I won't really know for a few more weeks. In my state there is a 3 month waiting period after filing, and then you start the process of financial affidavits and what not.

 

 

At my request, one of my friends followed my H and his gf to Starbucks...I just wanted to know what the OW looked like. Apparently she is fit, but not young looking, she is my age.

 

 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this...I'm kind of brain dead.

 

 

How do you stop from thinking about your ex being intimate. I'm having recurring intrusive thoughts about him being intimate with her and it really disturbs me. I don't even know if I love him anymore...I just feel so violated.

[Jonah]

Sorry its been a while. I've been consumed with what is going on in my life.

 

"it's all your fault, your only focus is on our son...you just married me because you wanted a child."

Apparently she is fit, but not young looking, she is my age.

 

 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this...I'm kind of brain dead.

 

 

How do you stop from thinking about your ex being intimate. I'm having recurring intrusive thoughts about him being intimate with her and it really disturbs me. I don't even know if I love him anymore...I just feel so violated.

 

What a selfish jerk, to push the blame on you.

 

About your question. May I say that it just means that you are normal? More than that, that you are healthy. Better will come to you. Till then, protect yourself and fight for your self. Get some support around you, you need it now.

[peaksandvalleys]

I have had almost a year of feeling brain dead. I am sorry to hear you have to experience the same thing. The people here are great when you need support.

[amaysngrace]

You feel violated because he violated your trust. Totally understandable.

 

Dreams are our subconscious minds trying to remind us of our suppressed feelings during our waking lives that we feel are too difficult to deal with.

 

Those dreams are good. They mean you accept your reality. The dreams will stop and healing will come.

[woinlove]

Sorry its been a while. I've been consumed with what is going on in my life.

 

 

Back story: H has been having an affair with an exGF. He initially denied it, then minimized it. I took my son and have been staying at my moms, then went on holiday. During that time my H moved into a short term rental near his office. Initially we were going to work on things. Had one appt. with a counselor but then I found out his GF spent at least 3 nights in a row with him at his apartment. I lost it and retained a lawyer. The lawyer convinced me it was better to be a Plaintiff in a divorce if it goes to trial.

 

 

H has gone from saying that he loves me and he's confused to "it's all your fault, your only focus is on our son...you just married me because you wanted a child."

 

 

We live in a no fault state. Our assets are fairly easily divided. I don't think that he is going to give me a hard time financially, but I won't really know for a few more weeks. In my state there is a 3 month waiting period after filing, and then you start the process of financial affidavits and what not.

 

 

At my request, one of my friends followed my H and his gf to Starbucks...I just wanted to know what the OW looked like. Apparently she is fit, but not young looking, she is my age.

 

 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this...I'm kind of brain dead.

 

 

How do you stop from thinking about your ex being intimate. I'm having recurring intrusive thoughts about him being intimate with her and it really disturbs me. I don't even know if I love him anymore...I just feel so violated.

 

So sorry your H is putting you and your son through this turmoil. Seems he can't stop lying and now he is trying to shift the blame on to you. Under the circumstances, filing for divorce sounds like you making the best of a horrible situation. Your H has already checked out of the M and is emotionally abusive with the disloyalty, deception, and blame shifting.

 

Thinking of your H with OW is normal but normal can feel really awful. You can't simply turn those thoughts off, but you can work on trying to gradually increase the amount of time you spend not thinking about them. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and understand than thinking of painful thoughts when you've been so betrayed and hurt is only human, but you can still try to gradually replace them with more positive and constructive thoughts.

 

I'm glad you've got a lawyer and it sounds to me like he is giving you good advice. Even though things look so awful now, you and your son are going to come though this and continue to be the great people you are. Meanwhile, either your H will be a selfish jerk for the rest of his life or some day he is going to have to come to terms with how he treated the family that gave him love, trust and loyalty.

[No Limit]

I know you don't feel lucky, but you should, considering that you don't have to waste more time in a fake reconciliation with a pig of a "husband". (No offense to pigs; they're actually pretty neat animals in character.)

 

The feeling of being violated will also remain for a while, but as many other BS who have divorced will tell you it'll pass in time. For now you should go LC (low contact); he can call for anything that involves your son (if he's having any interest at all judging from his big talking) and any other complaints he can give tell your lawyer.

 

Just try to cease any thoughts about your husband or the OW. Focus on yourself, your son, and move on. The only thought involving your husband should be the part about visitation rights, and that's it.

[Steen719]

You are doing well, SamSam. It is so hard to get through this and of course, like many of us who have been betrayed, it seems impossible to understand why we are in this.

 

The intrusive thoughts will be with you for a while. The things that helped me most are these things. I spent as much time "doing" stuff as I could. I went out with friends and talked to family and friends. They graciously let me. I cried when I felt like it and I cried a river. It was cathartic. I joined a divorce support group and that helped a lot. I did not stay in touch with my ex. If I had to talk to him about my son (who was an adult), I did it by email. It was easier for me. This part is harder for you as your son is younger. I tried to determine my part in my marriage and while I did not blame myself for my ex cheating, I did eventually see things that I could have done differently in my marriage. This helped me a lot. Finally, after some time had passed, maybe at the 1 1/2 to 2 year stage, I forgave my ex in my heart. I didn't do it for him; I did it for me. I didn't want to live with that resentment and unhappiness in my heart anymore. It was killing me and preventing me from feeling any joy.

 

You have a long road ahead of you. Hold your head up, do the right things for your son and you will be glad you did. Also, don't concentrate on this, but know that exs are exs for a reason. She may be an old gf, but that doesn't mean it is good or will be for long. The thing is, he might act like mine and be cold, unfeeling, happy in his new life, but he also might do what my ex did and realize what was in the past (his was also an old gf) and giving up his life with me and his son was the biggest mistake he could make. By the time he realized it, it didn't matter to me and I was not interested in any kind of reconciliation.

 

You will make it. It gets better, really it does. Hang in there!

{{{HUGS}}}

[jackslife]

It's also worth pointing out, he didn't leave his wife for ex-GF. He was seeing her for some rumpy on the side. They were having the early, 'fun' part of a relationship so enjoyable in an A. It didn't mean he intended to leave you for her although he may have fantasised about it.

 

Your discover, outing of him, then divorcing him 'forced' them together. The fun, sex in a hotel in the afternoon, naughty text, illicit meetings part of an affair has now been abruptly ended. It has been replaced with stress, marital break up, concerns about son etc.

 

He hadn't planned for this to happen, and the sex in the afternoon fling gf isn't always the one you want to live with. I wouldn't put my mortgage on it lasting.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know you don't feel lucky, but you should, considering that you don't have to waste more time in a fake reconciliation with a pig of a "husband".

A big fat amen to this.

 

Many of us here wasted months and years (myself included ) trying to work things out with spouses who eventually revealed competing agendas.

 

Congrats to you on finding out early that your H is "done". Made his bed (literally!), let him lie in it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

For me, the mind movies had less and less of an impact as my wife revealed more and more of her true character. In the early days, you still have that loving image of your spouse and hope for this nonsense to be a temporary abberation. It takes a long time to move from that to acceptance that your spouse really isn't who you thought they were.

 

You're still in those early days. Heck, just a few days ago you were still maintaining hope via counseling. Then his actions showed you (again) who he really is - a broken, lying, cheating coward. Given that his OW also participated in your betrayal and the destruction of a family, it's just going to be a matter of time before you view their intimacy as just a sordid, sweaty, tawdry escapade between two broken people desperately trying to hold onto their youth while tossng away their integrity and everything else that matters in life. It's pitiful.

 

Any mind movies I have today are a completely academic exercise. While they were once powerful, now they're the least of my concerns. Ancient history. What irks me now is just how many years of my life she wasted. And that I still have to coparent with her. I'd like to just raise my children in peace. But the mind movies - whatever. I hope the tawdry sex was worth it. But I know better.

[EverLastluv]

sorry this happened, this is a lesson to be learn by everyone who have the spouse, gf, fiance, etc Dont ever trust your man/women talking with an EX dont care if they marriend or they did not see each other for 20 years. DO NOT trust NO ONE, even your closest friend!

 

Hope you stay strong with your son and take care. You dont deserve that at all, hope he gets whats coming to him, karma is real.

[Lovemesomehim]

Very sorry to hear that you are going through something like this.

 

 

Here is a little insight that was shared with me years ago...

 

 

Breathe....I know you will breathe but do it deeply and often. When everything seems to become overwhelming for you and it feels as if you are panicking, just breathe deeply.

[jellybean89]

Sam, as hard as this is right now, you will be ok. Focus on your son. What a pitiful man to blame a child and your love for the child as his reason for straying. Maybe if he had focused more on his child, he wouldn't have had time to hook up with exGF.

 

I'll never understand how a person, in this case a woman, can so easily be with a MP. How does that person look at themselves in the mirror knowing they are doing another's spouse? I guess they like the excitement of the forbidden.

 

Bet that excitement fizzles out when the daily chores of life hit them. Be prepared for her to think she gets a say so in anything divorce related, from finances to child custody & visitation. Hopefully he remembers she wasn't there when the child was conceived, so she gets no say so in anything.

 

Listen to your lawyer and keep the focus on your son and his future. Take whatever you can legally get. I'd ensure clauses are put in the child visitation agreement that daddy can't have overnight guests when he has his child.

 

Take time to grieve the ending of your marriage. Take time for you. Your son needs his mommy and while it is good for him to see you cry, make sure you have laughs and smiles too.

 

My sibling divorced when her child was 5.....sis was on her own for 3 years before remarrying and she says those years were the best years, even though she struggled financially...it was the bonding time between her and her son that she cherishes to this day, 20 years later. Her and her son are very close.

 

I wish the best for you and your son.

[SamSam68]

It's also worth pointing out, he didn't leave his wife for ex-GF. He was seeing her for some rumpy on the side. They were having the early, 'fun' part of a relationship so enjoyable in an A. It didn't mean he intended to leave you for her although he may have fantasised about it.

 

Your discover, outing of him, then divorcing him 'forced' them together. The fun, sex in a hotel in the afternoon, naughty text, illicit meetings part of an affair has now been abruptly ended. It has been replaced with stress, marital break up, concerns about son etc.

 

He hadn't planned for this to happen, and the sex in the afternoon fling gf isn't always the one you want to live with. I wouldn't put my mortgage on it lasting.

 

 

 

Well, it is still going on and apparently they are very happy together. We have been meeting with a mediator on the custody issues, a lawyer is handling the rest, but we are trying to figure out how to divide time without going to court. He has already asked me to take our son for a week of "his" time in October. Found out through a mutual friend he is going to California with OW to her family's home.

[SamSam68]

Sam, as hard as this is right now, you will be ok. Focus on your son. What a pitiful man to blame a child and your love for the child as his reason for straying. Maybe if he had focused more on his child, he wouldn't have had time to hook up with exGF.

 

I'll never understand how a person, in this case a woman, can so easily be with a MP. How does that person look at themselves in the mirror knowing they are doing another's spouse? I guess they like the excitement of the forbidden.

 

Bet that excitement fizzles out when the daily chores of life hit them. Be prepared for her to think she gets a say so in anything divorce related, from finances to child custody & visitation. Hopefully he remembers she wasn't there when the child was conceived, so she gets no say so in anything.

 

Listen to your lawyer and keep the focus on your son and his future. Take whatever you can legally get. I'd ensure clauses are put in the child visitation agreement that daddy can't have overnight guests when he has his child.

 

Take time to grieve the ending of your marriage. Take time for you. Your son needs his mommy and while it is good for him to see you cry, make sure you have laughs and smiles too.

 

My sibling divorced when her child was 5.....sis was on her own for 3 years before remarrying and she says those years were the best years, even though she struggled financially...it was the bonding time between her and her son that she cherishes to this day, 20 years later. Her and her son are very close.

 

I wish the best for you and your son.

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Sadly I'm jealous. NOT of her, of him. Of his apparent happiness. He has a new tidy apartment...I have the large home we bought together with lots of repairs and updating necessary before I can put it on the market...an energy sucker and yet I feel the need to keep it going for our son. I'd like to have romance...but I have a part time job, a son and elderly parents instead. He seems to have literally pushed the "reset" button on his life and has a new lease on things.

[No Limit]

We often have the choice between the easy way, and the right way.

 

You have to think of what these pleasantries costed him, and might cost him in the future. And, last but not least, think of yourself; Sam, I highly doubt you would be very happy by leaving your family behind. Ignorance and 'forgetting' like that is reserved for narcissists and idiots.

 

"Reset button"... well, I don't know about you, but when I've gotten so far in my life that I have my own family etc I sure as hell wouldn't want to start at square 1 again. Especially if that means behaving like a toddler, unable to take any responsibility for myself and having no values in life apart from sex.

 

And, seeing how he still dares to ask you for taking over his own son during "his" time, I think you should decrease the amount. Who knows where he'll leave him behind when you aren't there when he isn't in the mood; it's like giving a kid to a kid. Cut the time to a low, honestly. Children don't need fathers like him - or rather 'creators'; the title of 'father' is one you have to deserve - and he'd never be a good example for your son anyway.

[Steen719]

Occasionally, but not often, you will find a poster here who says they and/or their partner cheated and ended up with each other in a wonderful relationship that they thought it would be without their respective spouses. It is far more common that the person having the affair does not end up being quite so happy.

 

My xh was and remains one of the most stubborn, prideful people that I have ever known. He acted as if his new life was everything he had ever hoped for and more. He basically acted as if I did not exist unless there was business to discuss (I had cared for him through a long life threatening illness and transplant), but worse, he acted as if his 21 year old son did not exist either. That is not something that my son will ever get over. He was very hurt and has some resentment towards his dad for that, well, for all of it, really. So much so that even if his dad had offered to help him with college expenses, he would have not taken it - not that the sorry sob ever did offer, but ANYWAY.....Ex H rocked along in his new life, happy as a clam, taking trips with the new one (old gf) and so secure in his new life. Yep, until reality took hold and guess what? The same freaking thing happened - life! You know, kids, bills, health, disagreements, disappointments - all of those things that happen to us when we are with someone for any length of time.

 

He isn't happy anymore. He apologized, asked for chances to get his family back together, cried, got angry, tried to convince my son to assist in his efforts (that went nowhere as my son told him he wanted me to be happy) and it went nowhere for him, as I was simply not interested in being with a cheater and a liar anymore. That ship had sailed. I even felt sorry for him, but no respect and certainly not the love I once had.

 

It is easy to look at a relationship and think they have it all. Your stbxh is carefree, he is all wrapped up her now, but the chances are great that his little bubble will burst. He will have regrets down the road and he just can't see that now.

 

All of this does not really make you feel better now, but try to concentrate on the fact that you know now what kind of man he is. No question about it.

 

It was hard for me - two jobs, I'm not young, being cast off like yesterday's trash, watching my son hurt, but I did what I had to do and even tried to facilitate the relationship between son and ex h, until I realized that was futile and not up to me. As no limit said, I tried to do the right thing. I would not have left my son in a lurch come hell or high water and the reward for that is a son who thinks well of me and loves me very much and admires me and thanks me for what I have done for him. It's enough.

 

Things are not what they seem in many relationships. Keep that in mind.

[CarrieT]

Don't worry, Sam - you WILL get yours...

 

And, frankly, I feel it is all too soon for you now to start romancing and a "reset."

 

I am willing to bet even money that this "new life" your Ex is having won't last and he will find himself single again.

 

You, on the other hand, will have time to heal and love life again; at that point, you will be receptive to dating and the romantic attention of others. At that point, it will be wonderful.

Take it from someone who has been there...

[Striver]

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Sadly I'm jealous. NOT of her, of him. Of his apparent happiness. He has a new tidy apartment...I have the large home we bought together with lots of repairs and updating necessary before I can put it on the market...an energy sucker and yet I feel the need to keep it going for our son. I'd like to have romance...but I have a part time job, a son and elderly parents instead. He seems to have literally pushed the "reset" button on his life and has a new lease on things.

 

I'm sorry for you that he can move on so happily, and easily, for now while you are likely burdened with worries. It's a bad part of being a BS. Long term, once the divorce is over, you need to ignore his life and focus on you. You have no control over his fortune.

 

At some point the bubble likely will burst for one reason or another. To be honest, most of the "happy" affairages here seem to have ongoing demonization and interaction with the BS as a component of the marriage.