ThumbingMyWay Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I dont know where to start. But for those of you how followed my story.... my wife admitted to a ONS 8 months ago, with someone she didnt know. We have been in recovery and MC since that time. BUT My wife finally broke down this morning..... The person she was with that night, was her supervisor......and they have been having an affair for the last 15 months. All the MC, all the work, everything....all one big lie....she has been living this double life and she finaly broke down. I am devasted, hurt and angry. I have been played the fool.... She says shes in love with him...and that he loves her. He is her boss, 10 years older, married with a 9 and 14 year old. SHe asked him to leave his wife, but he said he wasnt ready for that. I told her, WTF, you gonna leave me and then jump into it with him?....I mean is he and you really going to leave everything you have to be together.....she said she doesnt know.... This is all so freash, I dont know what to do or think....I am a wreck right now.....we are seeing MC today at 3:30.....hopefully I can get the whole truth and extent of what is going on.... I had doubt all along.....but I never imagined she could be so decitful....so calculated and coniving.......I am a mess right now..... TMW needs to take a stand.....I have been walked on TOO MUCH......but I love her so much...I am so hurt and scared....I dont know what to do..... 8 months of MC...and she never evened f***ing tried....selfish selfish selfish.....I cant believe this is happening.... It takes 2....but I was the only one triying....I dont know her TRUE stance yet....does she wanna try or does she want me to leave....I mean if the f***ing writing on the wall?..... GOD HELP ME Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Please be strong. I am sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW~ what a slap in the face, followed by a loogie in the hair! i can see that your feelings for her are keeping you from makining YOURSELF happy. Well stop being so damn acquiescence to her wants and needs and take care of your own. maybe if she were actually trying to work things out, but no, she is still seeing this whore while you are in MC, lying to everyone.... What a self centered B!tch! i hope your MC-er will agree that you should leave her to lay in her own s***. Sorry TMW...... i hope things will be ok, soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Geez Thumb, I'm absolutely stunned. It sounded like you two were well on your way to reconciliation. I'm so sorry to hear this. What was the impetus for her confession? It seems so out of the blue. Has she asked for a separation? I'm not sure what to tell you right now, except that you can't allow fence-sitting cake-eaters to have their way. It may be a good time to step back from the situation. You're going to need time to reevaluate, and get your head together. I don't think you'll want to commit to any action until you've taken that time for yourself. If it were me, I believe I'd go 'No Contact' with her with the exception of MC. And I'd only be going to MC right now in order to get the answers as to why she's done this. Consider asking her to leave the home....at least until you've taken some time to absorb all this. This sucks, Thumb. But you'll get through it, because you've got a good head on your shoulders. If you can't have faith in anything else right now....have some faith in YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I got your PM this morning friend. I too am stunned by this, and I really truly feel for you. I can't offer any advice to you at this point, other than to try to take care of yourself. You ARE in my prayers... Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW - did she say what she wanted to do now? Does she think she can just continue to live with you and lead this double life? Did she appear at all remorseful? I'd definitely ask her to leave and make up her mind as to what she wants out of life. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Aww Thumb, I feel so sad and I can feel how much pain you're in right now. She really messed up this time and knowingly too. I can't suggest too much, but I will tell you to now concentrate on making yourself feel better and do what ever means necessary to help you through this awful situation she's put you in. I'm truely sorry for what you're going through and feeling. Glad you are seeing the therapist, that will help alot too. Lots of hugs to you. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Jesus Christ TMW... I am so f*cking sorry. Talk about a double kick in the balls. It's good that you're going to MC today. Don't let her whitewash anything. And one way or another, it comes down to one simple thing: SHE MUST QUIT HER JOB. You have to tell her that she must give her notice within 48 hours, and that if she doesn't, you will take that as her final answer as to whether or not she wants to fix what she sh*t on. (Personally I'd want her to not go back there again starting IMMEDIATELY, but acknowledge that it may be impractical.) And after that, she never speaks to her supervisor again. Oh, and be sure to tell HIS supervisor, and his wife. Do that immediately, and don't tell your wife that you're doing it. That way she can't talk you out of it. Right now, she has little or no respect for you. That's one of the requirements for her justifying duping you for so long. Throwing down the gauntlet as described above will piss her off, but only in the immediate term. Trust me on this... they respect you a hell of a lot more when you've done something against their selfish wishes than they do when they just keep walking all over you. My TBXW and I are nearly divorced, and I've spurned her efforts to be "friends", because I don't want that. And I have little doubt that she has a ton more respect for me now than she ever did during the fraudulent marriage. Stay strong, brother. Check in here as often as you have to. If you don't already, start hitting the gym, or doing something physical. You're going to need an outlet. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Awesome reply back Res. I agree 100% with going to the gym. IF you do sports, hockey - anything - Go and do that. That bad energy needs an outlet. Better focussed into workingout than into that A-holes face. Also agree with Res, to tell his wife and the big honcho wtf is going on. Hang in there and remember you have TONS of support here. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW, I don't really know what to say- I'm sorry for what you're going though, I'm thinking of you, and I'll be looking for your updates. Please keep on talking to us. llama Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 Oh, and be sure to tell HIS supervisor, and his wife. Do that immediately, and don't tell your wife that you're doing it. That way she can't talk you out of it. I agree with RD, here. EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! That won't get easier with waiting. In fact, it gets harder. And it must be done in order to have the option of moving forward at a later date. I don't agree with asking her to quit her job at this time though. I think you'd do better to wait and decide if you even want to keep the marriage going before you ask her to take any action....except maybe to leave the home. You might decide that you're done with her after it all sinks in....and who could blame you. I don't even think YOU should take any actions at this time other than exposing the affair. And that, only because it's better done now than later. I can't count how many threads I've read where the BS is sorry that they waited. It's harder to do as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Trust me on this... they respect you a hell of a lot more when you've done something against their selfish wishes than they do when they just keep walking all over you. My TBXW and I are nearly divorced, and I've spurned her efforts to be "friends", because I don't want that. And I have little doubt that she has a ton more respect for me now than she ever did during the fraudulent marriage. I second this - I am all business with my ex and he doesn't dare give me sh*t like he did when we were married. Link to post Share on other sites
pragmatic Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I'm sick to my stomach reading this. I am at a loss for words... You have worked so hard to keep it together. I am sad for you and sad for all of us that there are people capable of such behavior and deception. I know what I will be thinking about today... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 Thanks everyone.....I need you guys now more than ever... We have not had a chance to sit down and truely talk yet....she gets home soon. I dont know what she wants..... I have thought about everything you guys have said. She wanted to go quit today....I told her she has to tell him she told me. She also told me that he could lose his job over this....and the more I thiink about it, I dont f***in care. I also told her that I want to talk to him....get his side of the story....of course she didnt want me to...but I will talk to him....and I will talk to his wife too.....I AM NOT LAYING LOW ON THIS ONE...... This is the final stage....its now or never....she needs to come completely clean.......NO MORE f***IN LIES.....I am so angry right now....aaaarrggghhhh As far as leaving the house....she said she wanted to leave....I just dont know...we only had an hour to talk before work today....I told her, aint no way shes taking the kids.... I truely feel she wants out of this marriage.....but she dont know what to do....she only works partime....no way she can live on her own......but I dont want to move out either...and the kids.....f***, why why why is this happening??.... After we talk when she gets home...and after MC today....I will see where we stand.....if separation is in order, then so be it....she has hinted that she wants time away to figure stuff out.....BUT if she dont end all contact with this man while separated....then, ahh, f***, I dont know what to think.....dam dam dam.....I am a good loving person....why GOD WHY? fence sitting cake eaters......I like that LadyJ......bout time I make a decision.... more later.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 She also told me that he could lose his job over this....and the more I thiink about it, I dont f***in care. I also told her that I want to talk to him....get his side of the story....of course she didnt want me to...but I will talk to him....and I will talk to his wife too.....I AM NOT LAYING LOW ON THIS ONE...... This is the final stage....its now or never....she needs to come completely clean.......NO MORE f***IN LIES.....I am so angry right now....aaaarrggghhhh Yup. All that and then some! DO whatever you need to do to get ALL your answers. Do it for you. She probably will think you're doing it to piss her off, let her think that. Right now all that counts is YOU. I'm so angry with ya, she's a FOOL. Hey I tried to PM you, but you're inbox is full. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 its empty now WWIS... I dont know what to do.....I;m really scared.....and mad.... In my heart I love her....and I want to be with her....but SHE needs a kick in the ass......maybe time away is in order...I just dont know....GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW: Gosh, I am SO sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you. Remember, right now is the time to take care of yourself and your children. She is no longer your problem. Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay ....she only works partime....no way she can live on her own......but I dont want to move out either...and the kids.....f***, why why why is this happening??.... As I said before, her ability to take care of herself is not your problem anymore. I say give her the boot and let her fend for herself for a while - she can have visitation with the kids on weekends. And, more than likely, her MM will never break up with his wife. She has some hard lessons to learn. Whatever you do, retain your dignity and don't stoop to her level. Be strong. We are all here supporting you. -Isra Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I wonder why all of a sudden she decided to tell you? Especially right before work. Probably because she was scared. Glad you get to see the MC today. Look up the '5 stages of grief', it's apparent you are in the anger stage right now. Which is fine. However do not make any decisions while you are in this deep of this stage. It's also probably a relief to you in some way that you have now gotten that gut instinct out of you that something was going on. Remember though it's not her calling all the shots. If she wants to leave, let her. Call her bluff. She has used you for a safety net way too long. You have every right to talk to this guy's wife. Don't mention it to him or your wife that you are going to do this. You need the truth and right now your wife's words do not contain any faith. This didn't happen to you because you are a bad person or that you deserved it. This has happened because your wife has some serious issues in which she needs to get a grip on. Things will sort themselves out over time, but just don't make any stupid decisions to either hurt yourself or someone else. Wait until the dust as settled some and the shock has deminished before looking at your options. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Is there anyway the kids could go to a family member or a friends house this weekend? Involve your family, talk to them and to your friends. YOU have done nothing wrong, so you have every reason to gain as much support and help right now. She has NO say in who you talk to about it all. Yup she does need a HUGE kick in the ass, but right now just take it one day at a time, don't think too far ahead. You owe her NO explanation of anything either- Don't forget that. Don't justify yourself to her either. I'm sure she really does love you, but has a real F**K'd up way of showing it obviously. AHHH I'm so MAD for you cuz you've been so happy and I've been reading your posts following along. OK PM is sent off to ya. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay As far as leaving the house....she said she wanted to leave....I just dont know...we only had an hour to talk before work today....I told her, aint no way shes taking the kids.... Hell no....I wouldn't let her take the kids. Is there a way that you can take a few days off and arrange whatever daycare you need? Because if so, I'd just leave her suitcases on the front porch. 'Nuff said for now. (Igore me. I'm p*ssed off about this. You've worked too hard to get sh*t on this way.) I did mean what I said about exposure though. It absolutely has to be done at this point if there is anything to salvage later. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. She'll be mad as hell, but it'll be out there once and for all. Hugs {{{{Thumb}}}} Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 shes gets home in a few minutes.....I will leave this thread up for her to read.... MAYBE, she will understand the magnitude of this situation....I am in the drivers seat.....but I dont know what to do..... I'm not sure about separation.....like Jmargel said....dont make decisions while in the angry stage.....BUT GOD DAM MUTHA f***ER.....aarrggghhh..... OK....I'll be back later..... Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Posted by brashgal: I second this - I am all business with my ex and he doesn't dare give me sh*t like he did when we were married. My TBXW still gives me **** occasionally. The difference is that now, unlike during the marriage, I give it right back. With a candle on it. TMW -- so he might lose his job? Tough sh*t. Just keep asking yourself, "how is that my problem?" It's called the wages of sin, buddy. He knew what he was doing when he got involved with another man's wife. Also known as, "you play with matches, you get burned." Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW! OMG! It has just been a year since the exH said I'm leaving to grow up! But in reality he left for his 21yr old! My heart felt sorrows for you and your wife! This has hit you straight in the face! I know the deceptions that occur due to infidelity and it just plain sucks! I am praying you and your wife open up to each other and the counselling helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TMW- I wanted to say this again, and I HOPE YOUR WIFE READS IT... LJ is right about the exposure. You really truly need to do that...because here's the deal. What she's been doing ONLY works if it's kept a secret. Affairs almost ALWAYS die in the light of exposure. You really do need to tell everyone...your family, her family, the OM's family...EVERYONE. And THEN start thinking about what you need to do next. She'll think you're doing it to get revenge...which isn't true at all. The intent is to END the affair, and for her to finally be accountable for her actions. To TMW's wife- I really do hope you take the time to read this. I hope you can see what the consequences of your actions are. NOTHING is done in a vacuum....and any choices we make in our lives have repercussions, both positive and negative. I know that you feel like what you've done was in some way justified, but you also know deep down it wasn't. That is why you've kept it secret all this time. You've avoided taking responsibility for your actions...you've avoided seeing what the consequences of these decisions have been. Well my hope for you both is that your husband DOES expose this affair, and helps you to put an end to it once and for all. And I pray that whatever happens in this, whatever comes out of it, ends up being God's will. And I pray that he gives ALL of you the strength to do what you need to do, and the wisdom to see His guidance. Don't hate your husband for taking the steps he has to to save your marriage, your family. Don't take the easy way and think that it's just being done in spite and anger. Realize that this man has worked his butt off trying to make things right between the two of you, and that this is just one more step towards that same goal. My prayers are with you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay shes gets home in a few minutes.....I will leave this thread up for her to read.... MAYBE, she will understand the magnitude of this situation....I am in the drivers seat.....but I dont know what to do..... You don't have to "do" anything right now. That's the good part about being in the "driver's seat". You make your decisions when YOU are ready, and not before. Link to post Share on other sites
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