One Big Lie

[whichwayisup]

A cheater can also think that in whether or not to tell their spouse..

 

Just food for thought..

 

That's not what my line "When in doubt, do nothing. Just safer all around right now." was intended for JM, please don't twist my words into something else...I was referring to doing the NC letter and/or if Thumbs wife was going to tell the MW on the phone.

[Santa's Elf]

I'm no sure if your wife should be the one to tell his wife. I think if anyone should disclose the affair it should be you, and not by letter.

 

I think your wife would be too fragile right now to do something like that and would not be able to hand any abuse that would result. (I realise you are fragile too but you would not abused as much as your wife would)

 

It IS a difficult question. I'm married myself and to be honest I'm not sure I'd want to know if my husband had an affair. I know I wouldn't leave him if he did so mhy put myself through the pain?

 

I guess at the end of the day you have to way things up - write a list maybe of the advantages and disadvantages of exposing the affair.

 

As for the family I certainly wouldn't tell your family. It would be harder for them to forgive your wife for hurting you, they would probably not see her side as you have.

 

You obviously love your wife a huge amount, and she's obviously going through some problems. The main thing is that she still loves you and you love her. The basic element of your relationship is still there and you can build up the rest in time.

[fanou22]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

If I did.....

 

how do i tell her?. Do I call her....send her a letter in the mail?....go to her house in person?.....

 

My wife said last night....she is even tempted to tell her next time she calls into work.....

 

still confused.....need time to process this....

 

TIME TIME TIME.....

 

You don't have to do it right away. Let the both of you (you & your wife) calm down to ensure that these are the actions you intend to take.

 

I see 2 ways if doing this:

- either you call her (preferably in person) and tell her

- or do the above with your wife present.

 

Your wife cannot at any time and under any circumstances tell her without YOU being present. The MM's wife needs to know that the both of you are doing this as part of your healing process.

 

I am not the best person to dispense advice in these situations.

 

Owl and Dazed have a better understanding and can help with how to proceed.

 

By the way, I admire the love you have for your wife.

[ThumbingMyWay]

My wife is starting to feel withdrawal from the OM. She told me she doesnt want to show emo in front of me casue it will hurt me. Although I agree it will hurt me, I want to be there for her.

 

What can I do to show I support and care....

 

this is sooo wierd......helping my wife heal her broken heart from OM.....

[whichwayisup]

This is weird, you're right...OK Thumbs, tell her to come on the boards and read No Foolin's thread in the Coping section....here's the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

I stumbled across it surfing one day, and man do I tell ya, I wish I had that advice in my earlier days when I was younger and going through breakups! This guy is incredible and gives awesome advice and I think Mrs Thumbs would benefit from reading it.

 

Don't let her 'cry' on your shoulder because that isn't fair to you...Just continue to tell her you love her, you understand her pain yet you cannot be the one to actually HOLD her though this...Allow her space, maybe give her a journal to write it. She needs closure and the only way she can go about it is to vent it out- all thoughts, pain and anger etc.

 

The other thing is, and I don't know how cozy you are with this idea, but does she have a girlfriend she can talk to about this? That could help alot too.

 

Always remember YOU are her husband, you have her heart and are in her blood. This other guy was a teaser, a little blip in her radar.

 

Keep a smile handy for yourself, don't forget!

[Anais]

Sorry you are going trough this. I wish I could say more. Believe it or not God has his plan for you. A better day will come soon.

 

My husband has gone trough it. First his ex wife had an emotional affair. It took him a lot to get over it. Finally after two years he got bumped anyways for another man/ or for “she was not happy” reason. He was very down. Such a man like he should never have gone trough it. Now he is happier than ever. He met the right person, me , for him. He loves me and I will never let him down. We have the kind of connection he never had with ex.

 

I believe we both had to go trough bad marriages to meet.

 

As if for his ex, I hope she can be finally happy one day.

 

I hope it works out with your marriage. Hang in there!

[fleafly]

Hey thumb, been thinking about you. And I must say, this is something that I didnt have to go through. I think that your wife needs to realize, and maybe you can help her with this, that the feelings that she has for this man ARE NOT REAL, some advice I recieved on here earlier, and its true. She has been living in another world, and she needs to snap out of it, and quickly. My wife came to the quick realization that she was nothing but an object, this is the most glaring difference in a man and a woman as far a affairs are concerned. In my case, the emotional needs that I wasnt giving my wife, she got from him. The sex that the other man wasnt getting from his wife, he got from mine. Ask her how many arguments that she had with this man. How many times was he really there for her, not many I assume since he his WIFE and family to attend to.

 

My wife came to the conclusion that she was being nothing but used as soon as she called him to tell him that I found out, saying sorry but I have to try and save my marriage now, so long. Im sure this was painful for her to hear, as she assumed he was her "friend". You, and I for that matter, have to realize what exactly is going through our wives heads right now, and that is not easy, I know. She is feeling guilt for the betrayal to you and your family, as well as ashamed for doing something so stupid. And this also gives you another reason to CALL OR GO TO THE OTHER WIFE AND TELL HER WHAT IS GOING ON!! Dont let this loser feed on your wifes emotions, he has done enough damage, dont you think?? This will bring closure to both of you, as well as bringing the ramifications of what this piece of **** has done to your family, as well as his.

[StillHurtin]

TMW, I am so terribly sorry. I haven't read all the replies to your thread but what I have read is great advice. The only thing I can say is that I would tell the MM's W in a heartbeat. When I found out about my own H's A was from friends who worked w/ them or who had spouses that did. After a few weeks the OW's H came to my house and told me also. He had proof in hand. It tore me to pieces and I cried a lot of tears in front of him. He apologized for telling me and showing me the proof but I was glad he did it! I don't know how the W will take it in your situation but she has a right to hear her H isn't being faithful.

 

I hope that your W realizes what she could loose, breaks up all relationship w/ the MM, finds another job, and gets the help she needs. It was he!! for me knowing H was going to work everyday knowing she was there. Even after he ended their A he still worked w/ her and it was hard. Eventually she got him fired, but she should of been fired for sleeping w/ her boss also. I wish you the best.

[mourningMM]

This is my opinion, and my perspective...If it is helpful, I'm glad. If it is too intense, I'm sorry to have stressed you in this already stressful place that you are.

 

There is a place that a person has to be when he or she in a marriage. When saying vows on the wedding day, they usually mean them. These words have been honed over centuries of experience, and the words, if you look at them individually are very powerful.

 

I am catholic, and you may not be, but look to the words from your faith.

 

When I was married, I did this...unfortunately my ex never did. He didn't understand the meaning of a life-long committment or of unconditional love. Because I did, when he left after an emotional affair...one where he could fool himself into thinking he didn't cheat, it wripped my emotions apart, destroyed my self-confidence, and raped my soul.

 

Each night, I reminded myself that I had made a committment and checked to see if I'd kept it that day. If I found that I'd even compared my (then) husband to another man, I beat myself up for being unfaithful. I imagined the look of hurt on his face and then crushed any possible attraction to that other man out of my mind. Sometimes it took an effort...and when it did, I did not ever allow myself to be in the same area as that man. (On the down side, it took more than a year to be able to kiss another man after my husband left...I still had that vision of the hurt on his face.)

 

 

From these words, we brought children into the world. This is not just a promise we made to each other, but that you made to both of your families and all of your future children.

 

As you both approach this time of crisis, and decision, I would like to suggest that you do two things:

 

1) Imagine yourself on your death bed, talking to your children about the choices you made in your life. What do you want to be able to say?

 

2) Imagine yourself leaving each other, breaking the vows. Would you be able to say what you want to your children?

 

Remember that althought it takes two to make a marriage, it takes only one to destroy it. You have years of experiences, a lifetime of two children, hundreds of plans for your future together...focus on them if you can. Because if you can imagine a future together where you have put this behind you, it can happen.

 

Beware of selfishness, and of fear because both of those emotions will make it impossible for you to believe in a future.

 

Be doubly careful of blaming anyone outside your marriage for the problems that you have together. If you didn't have problems, the affair would not have happened. The problems are the baggage that each of you carries...not just one or the other. And the baggage includes the bad habits that you have developed in communication, which need to be fixed. Because in order to correct the situation, you both need to be strong individuals who can keep their vows.

 

Each of you should go to separate counselors, and to one together. Your children might benefit from seeing someone too, no matter how young they are.

 

If my ex ever broke off with his lover, his new fiancee', I would still feel obligated to try to take him back...because I would not be able to die easily if I didn't try. I, personally, could not live with myself if I quit.

[mourningMM]

I just want to extend my support and my energy to you.

 

My ex never came back, you have an opportunity here that I never had.

 

You may have read my other posts on the OM/OW board...and know that I had an affair after my ex left...with a MM. Not something I'm proud of, but something that helped both of us move to a new and better place in our lives. We ended our affair, and he went home to work on his marriage...I moved on to start new relationships and continue to grow. This puts me in the unusual situation of having a marriage that was devastated by an emotional affair, an EX that is engaged to the woman that he had the affair with, and I've been the OW in an affair that ended with the MM going home. I've seen it from two sides... I'm hoping that someday I have a mature man in my life that is willing and able to meet my needs and that I can meet his.

 

Affairs happen because of NEED. The need that your wife had was not something you caused, you are responsible for, or you should take as an insult to you...it may have had very little to do with you at all. YES, you are affected, as are your children, but I tend to believe that affairs are more about being selfish than intentionally cruel and hurtful. She NEEDed something, was too immature identify the problem and then to find a way to communicate it to you. She took the easy road, a quick fix that let her skip over the problem and dive into a place where no problems exist...a place of infatuation.

 

Now she needs something from you...it is once again the easy road.

 

If you love her, you will want to help her and protect her...but this one time, you need to turn her and her problems over to a trained professional. You should do this with compassion, because you do not have the experience or the training to help her understand her own needs and learn to communicate to you about them.

 

Then you should decide that if she starts to understand her own needs, and can talk to you about them, whether you have the love and the energy to give her what she NEEDS.

 

Do not let her blame the man for seducing her, make her accept the responsibility for being attracted to him.

 

If you've read my posts you will know, but if not let me say that the MM in my past has recently died. I know, that as he left this world, he could feel proud of his decision to face his needs, learn to communicate with his spouse, and heal his marriage...and I was proud of him for that decision.

 

Do not believe that everything she has told you was a lie...do not believe that all of your efforts were useless...believe instead that those efforts started a growth and maturity process that have made you a stronger man, a better father, a more complete person. Believe instead that they have also made changes for her for the better...

 

Even if she doesn't admit it to herself, deep down she knew her OM was never going to commit to her...and that is the reason she pressed the issue. I've noticed from this board that one way many people create a situation for change is to cause a crisis. She did this, she is looking for change. She is starting to be honest about all of her problems (both sexual promiscuity and alcoholism). She is talking the talk, you need to see if she has the stamina, the energy, the intestinal fortitude to walk the walk.

 

You need to be honest with her and yourself and your children about whether you have the stamina, the energy and the intestinal fortitude to watch her face her own problems...and it sounds like there are many. And then, you need to find the problems that you have inside yourself and take this time to work on YOU.

 

If she has an alcohol problem, you may benefit from going to some AA meetings to get support and understanding from people who have faced similar challenges. I'm pretty sure there is a group for people who have alcoholics in their lives (ALANON?) That may be another resource for you.

 

Again, I wish you strength, and compassion, and love.

 

I don't know why I woke up, and I haven't been on the board for a while, I read these posts and felt like I should respond. I hope I've been helpful.

[mourningMM]

Your wife telling her MM's wife of the affair is causing another crisis.

 

You telling her MM's wife of the affair is causing another crisis.

 

Do you really want another crisis in your life right now?

 

Your wife needs to go to her counself and really understand what her motivation could be for causing this new crisis...and then she needs to be truthful and share that knowledge with you.

 

 

You need to document, document, document...then put the documentation in a safe place, and be prepared to either burn it if your marriage works out, or use it if you have to negotiate a divorce.

 

Personally, I think opening that can of worms would cause more damage than good. It is really your wife's MM's responsiblilty to come clean with his wife. Or not. Their marriage is not your problem. Their marriage is not her problem. Neither of you has a responsibility to his wife.

 

My MM's wife never knew of the affair we had, and honestly, she doesn't need to know. He went back. Maybe ending this affair will result in a better marriage for your wife's ex-MM.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thanks for the kind words MMM...

 

they realy do shed a light on all this for me. They help me SEE thru the bad and into the positive.

 

Positive....which is my goal now. But I have to say....this pain, this hurt....it is UNBEARABLE...I feel Like I am holding on with my last few breaths here.....I am at my end.....and I sit here and look inside me to see what is holding me together.....all i have left at this point is faith and hope and time.....

 

I am commited to making this rgith....and meeting her needs. I guess after a week, i feel as if its all setting in now.....and what a mess we have here......TIME is my biggest burden, but also my sweetess friend.....in TIME....she will get over the MM....but in TIME, I will still hurt....

 

 

also....I feel ANGER....starting to surface.....last night, I jsut wanted to go outside and SCREAM.....just yell and scream.....at the top of my lungs... it concerns me....this anger feeling. I will never hurt anyone...its just I need to let this out somehow...and i dont know how.

 

I also see MC tomorrow....hopefully I will come out of there in a better place....even if it is 1% better than I was today....

 

 

I know you read these honey.....

 

so...Strawberry baby....I have the strenght.....it may be a little weak right now....but I still feel it in me....I will get past this....I will...we both will, i can feel it.....we just need to let time do its thing....I love you sweetpea....

[jmargel]

If you love her, you will want to help her and protect her...but this one time, you need to turn her and her problems over to a trained professional. You should do this with compassion, because you do not have the experience or the training to help her understand her own needs and learn to communicate to you about them.

 

EXACTLY!

 

Trying to help her 'overcome' the withdrawl of this OM is WAY too much for you right now. You are hurt in alot of ways. Trying to help her through this is only going to do more harm than good. Don't be her therapist, be her husband. Forget what she is going through right now and focus on yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

[Ladyjane14]

There's nothing I can say that you don't already know. I just want you to be aware that you have alot of support.

 

Hugs {{{{Thumb}}}}

[izzybelle]

TMW,

 

all i have left at this point is faith and hope and time.....

 

you have one other very important thing .... LOVE !!! it comes through loud and clear in your posts and from those from your W.

 

izzy

[mourningMM]

Anger is a very powerful emotion...but remember it is a secondary emotion. It is triggered by the real thing, the deep down feeling.

 

I'm not a therapist, or a counselor, or a professional but I can tell you what has helped me through the moments of berserker-rage and held me back from (believe me) viciously homicidal thoughts toward my ex and his girlfriend.

 

1) Think of the children. Think of the love of children.

2) Breath deeply and conciously, put a hand on your belly and watch it rise and fall.

3) Go somewhere alone, and dig up the real emotion...for me it was fear of abandonment, but for you it might be something else...and let that wash through and over the anger. As you find comfort for your real emotion, then anger should fade.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up for the anger. You deserve it, you were wronged on a deep emotional and psychological level. It is how you handle the anger that you need to feel responsible for. Sometimes it isn't enough to calm yourself. If the suggestions above don't work go:

 

1) To to a recycling center with a case or two of glass and throw it at a wall.

2) Chop firewood.

 

 

Miscellaneous cautions.

• 
  Avoid self-medicating with alcohol or drugs or even food, because if you avoid or numb yourself to the emotion, it will burrow deep into you and come out in even more damaging ways.
  Do your best not to loose it in front of children, because there is so much danger and violence it can really cause issues for them to see that degree of feeling unchecked between one parent an another. It confuses them, and is a betrayal of your responsibilites to take care of them and protect them from the horrors of life as long as you can. If you do loose it, appologize as soon as you can and then go see a therapist with them to help them find a safe way of thinking about it.
  Avoid punching walls, you never know where the studs are.
  

 

I'm glad that something I said made sense...and I wish both of you all the luck that I didn't have.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by mourningMM

1) Think of the children. Think of the love of children.

2) Breath deeply and conciously, put a hand on your belly and watch it rise and fall.

 

 

2) Chop firewood.

 

 

 

I'm glad that something I said made sense...and I wish both of you all the luck that I didn't have.

 

all of you make sense....

 

And I will chop some wood tonight....boy that stack out back dont know whats coming to it.....

[izzybelle]

mourningMM,

 

you are exactly on target (and i am a counselor!).

 

the anger is a major part of any of this but there are a few points you made that i think are worth saying again....

 

don't let the kids see it. you can't shield them from everything but there are some things they don't need to see. kids are more peceptive than we ever give them credit for. and while they may not understand, they notice and become afraid of any change that they feel happening to those two people who are their "rocks".

a friend of mine going through a similar situ, although his W left him for her MM, did a lot of self-medicating with alcohol for a while to deaden the pain he felt. i was there with him for several of these "bouts" and i could tell by the look on his face that it wasn't having the effect he had hoped. it made him sadder.

now, instead, he runs, hits golf balls, goes to a batting cage and takes his anger out on poor defenseless baseballs, and works out at the gym. and while i know he's still hurting, he's in the best physical shape i've ever seen him in!

when i was hurt badly (no i'm not comparing to what you're going through TMW) i remember wanting to just scream and yell. and i did. not in front of my kids. mostly when they weren't around and into a pillow so i wouldn't freak out my neighbors! but screaming and yelling and saying all those things into my pillow, that i wanted so badly to say to the person who'd hurt me, helped me to get it out of my system.

if you do feel the anger getting the better of you, talk to someone immediately. don't wait for another session with MC, call a hot line, call a friend, talk to your W, family member, priest, whatever or whoever may help you get through that.

 

and above all, take care of yourself.... the constant stress diet can have some major impacts on your health. as you begin the process of healing emotionally, don't neglect the physical.

 

izzy

[mourningMM]

don't miss, and damage yourself.

 

A few deep breaths before each swing.

 

And if you really want a kick, take some chalk and draw or write on the wood before you demolish it.

 

 

And please be careful!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Last night, I had the most enlightened individual MC session I've ever had. It all finaly set in with me. And I am calm. I am OK. I will be OK.....no I will be better than OK....I will live and feel and be at peace within myself.

 

Throughout MC and searching my faith.....plus all the reading I have done here and in books...and thru MC and deep soul searching.....I was trying to find a way to meet all my wifes needs. But I have come to the conclusion.........there is no ONE person that will ever meet my or my wifes most important needs. I can only meet some of them for her....may it be 80% or 90%.....the rest comes from within.....

 

The path to TRUTH and happiness in ourselves....lies within YOU....within ME, within my WIFE. The individual is responsible for inner peace.....and if you dont let it in...and accept it...and be at peace with WHO you are, not what you are....then you will never truly be happy.

 

Its a journey I have been on for 9 months....and it all finaly makes sense with me.....and I am grateful to find ME. Now its up to my wife to find HER. I will support her in her journey, i will be there for her....but ultimately...its NOT ME....I am not the problem.

 

I told my wife last night....."you need to find "IT"...the void that is holding you back from inner peace. Your not going to find it in ME, in another man, in a new dress or a new car, or a college education. Your not going to find it by leaving everything you;ve worked for.....and starting over....you dont need to start over. You can take this journey to a better place...with me and your children by your side".

 

My wife doesnt feel loved....she hasnt her whole life....as much as I would tell her I loved her, that I truely deeply loved her, she had walls that would not let it in....walls she has built her whole life.

 

So she searched elsewhere for it....and she didnt get it from OM....she didnt get it from losing weight or buying nice clothes or getting drunk.....and she finaly is realizing that she needs to breakdown her walls....and FEEL....truly deeply FEEL...and she is scared...as was I when I started my journey

 

She is scared to take this journey...cause after 34 years of living life...she now knows she has to start feeling life...

 

I was in her palce 9 months ago, scared and feeling all alone....but this journey I am on, gave me hope that I am OK.....my life is ok and I accepted it. Now she has to do the same....and I truly believe she will get there and experince the love that she has been so despartly searching for her whole life. Me, the kids, my family, her family...the love is there...she just needs to let it in....

 

I am a blessed man...the Grace of God came into my heart...and I let him in....and I am OK. its something I cannot explain...its something I feel...and I will forever be grateful to Him.

 

TRUST THE PROCESS....He will show me the way....

[Moose]

I am a blessed man...the Grace of God came into my heart...and I let him in....and I am OK. its something I cannot explain...its something I feel...and I will forever be grateful to Him.

YES! Spoken like a true Brother!!

[whichwayisup]

Thumbs, I am really blown away and PROUD of you!!!! Your insight and your acceptance of finding true peace and love within. That's an awesome thing you've realized - Some never find that inside, you're lucky to have a good MC who makes YOU think and feel and react.

 

You are right, your wife has to take this journey, as painful as it will be for her, she still has to do it. Not for you, the kids; but for herself. Keep giving her your positive insights, your love and patience...That is all you can do. She will need that to keep her going on those bad days...But when the good days come, she'll feel really strong and positive and that is when she has to work with that good energy and focus it back into herself.

 

I understand some of what she is feeling because of my anxiety disorder and what it took away from me! I work hard everyday on myself to make sure I fight hard to get myself back to where I should be. It's hard some days and I have alot of support from my husband, my therapist and friends who have also gone through what I have gone through when fighting this f**k'n anxiety!!

 

One thing that really could help her is keeping a daily journal of ALL her thoughts, fears of life, anything - Just getting it out on down on paper will help her process it all.

 

All the best buddy!!!

[sylviaguardian]

Thumbs,

 

I am at a loss for words. How do you do it? I would love you to explain this a bit more. Why don't you feel alone anymore? Why aren't you afraid? Can you tell us a bit more. I am willing to learn.

 

Syl

[sami]

"I am a mess right now.....". That's understandable. Life will never be the same.

[li'l bunny]

No but it can get a lot better.

 

You know, if there's love in a marriage it is possible to build up the rest but if there isn't you can't build up love.

 

Love is the basis of any relationship - if you have that you can work on trust and communication and really withstand alot.