Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 You're a better man than I am, TMW. Nothing could stop me from exposing the OM to his wife if I were in your shoes. TB813... I struggle...my faith has made my heart compassionate....but the devil on my shoulder is saying f*** the OM....tough spot to be in... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Thing is, most don't get that closure and they have to try to get it within themselves...Therapy therapy and therapy!! Nothing wrong with therapy to help someone through letting go - IN any situation. thats the thing WWIU....I feel like my wife wants closure from him. I know she would like to talk to him and ask WTF?....but she also knows she cant ever speak to him again. Even if she did....what would it matter?. I mean will this prick REALLY tell the truth?. My bet says NO WAY..... Either way....your right....she needs to get closure from within....and MC will help her with that Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 Yup. She needs to find this closure within herself - And it won't be easy. All you can do is let her do this on her own and hope that she gets through it. She HAS to. Time will definately help and she needs to eventually STOP thinking about it because it will kill her inside...And you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Yup. She needs to find this closure within herself - And it won't be easy. All you can do is let her do this on her own and hope that she gets through it. She HAS to. Time will definately help and she needs to eventually STOP thinking about it because it will kill her inside...And you. you are so RIGHT ON....with this... TIME TIME TIME... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 you are so RIGHT ON.... Geez, you guys are making my head swell (good thing I'm a gal eh? ) Being told I'm right on 2x in the past 10 mins... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 GO WW, GO WW, lets party, with bacardi, like itz ya birthday... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 You're funny! Keep it comin'... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 TMW and WWIU- Here's a thought...how do you KNOW that everything is hunky-dory in the 'ol OM household? What do you think HE thought seeing the two of YOU there in JC Penny? He (and even his wife) may have been thinking the exact same thing about the two of you there!!! He may (don't know, not there, just speculating) have owned up to his wife, or she could have found out...and they could be working on their marriage just as the two of you are. How could you tell by looking in from the outside whether or not their struggling like the two of you are? Would they have been able to tell that about you, from their perspective in JC Penny? And one other concept...if he has told his wife....what thoughts do you think she would/could be having about you and your wife?? Undoubtedly if he has owned up to her, he's made your wife out to the be the main culprit...that is almost always how it works...when the truth is it took them both to make this affair happened, no? I post this as food for thought for the both of you...just to let you think about the fact that it might not be so wonderful for him. And follow this just a little further... How much do you think he (and his wife) should care about how you and your wife are doing? How would you feel if you knew that they were curious how all of this impacted your relationship? Do you feel that it's any of their business whether the two of you are happy or not, or if your marriage will recover or not? If you're anything like me, you'd feel that it's none of their freaking business, and that they can all run out and play in traffic for all you'd care. (OK, a little harsh...) But you get the idea...get the OM and his family out of your area of concern, my friend. It doesn't matter what happens to them...all that matters at this point is what happens between you and your wife. Concentrate on that...and let your wife know that what the two of you NEED to focus on is yourselves...continuing to worry about the OM and his family is just one more way of keeping him in her (and your) life...so let it end now. Remember when I posted a few months ago wondering if I should allow my wife to email the OM just to see if he's ok?? I didn't...and her and I eventually discussed the subject...she thought it was darned decent of me to even think of that, and it showed one of the things that she loves about me, but she's very VERY glad that she didn't...because he needs to stay out of our lives. Hang in there friend...and tell your lady to do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 Owl poses some good questions. Afterall, you and Mrs. Thumb are working on your own thing now. So, what happens between OM and his wife is really kind of insignificant in your world. The whole purpose of exposure is to end the affair, and to burn bridges so as to eliminate temptation in restarting the affair. It looks like the blinders have been removed for Mrs. Thumb at this point. OM is clearly not the great guy she thought he was. As far as closure is concerned, WWIU nailed that one....it comes from within. The Mrs. is angry because she feels used, and she has a right to feel that way. She was used. But.....she used him too. She had a void in her life, an empty place that needed filling. And she used the OM to fill it. When she accepts the truth of that, and fills the broken place that was within her.....all that other stuff will cease to be important. And voila!....CLOSURE. Exposure for the sake of revenge will only serve to make YOU unhappy, because it fails the test of your personal and religious convictions. If there were another reason, outside of vengeance that would be different. My 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
latesleeper Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 TMW, What you are doing and have done is way more than what many other people can manage. Kudos to you! My sincere admiration for the strength you have shown. Owl is right about you focussing on you and your wife. Sometimes there can be no tidy ends like what we'd like. Answers, closure, etc. Sometimes, there is only time to fall back on, living as well as you can so that time can erase a bit of the pain and anger and confusion, and tying up whatever ends that we can tie at this point in time. Wish you and the wife well! Link to post Share on other sites
Thumbs Wife Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 The Mrs. is angry because she feels used, and she has a right to feel that way. She was used. But.....she used him too. She had a void in her life, an empty place that needed filling. And she used the OM to fill it. When she accepts the truth of that, and fills the broken place that was within her.....all that other stuff will cease to be important. And voila!....CLOSURE. /QUOTE] I do feel used!! USED UP!! I was so blinded by someone I trusted! OM was lying this whole time and I believed his ***t. I can somehow feel how Thumbs must feel!! I have no idea what Thumbs feels but I am sorry to him and all the hurt I am causing. I am just ashamed of myself and I cannot seem to forgive myself for this!!! I want to move on I want Thumbs and I to get to a better place!! Love is in my heart it is just so fogged right now. I let someone come into my heart and fill it full of lies and deceipt. I am pissed!! I am just so beside myself today!! good days bad days right Thumbs!! Ladyjane is right and I take her words to heart. I need fixing and the only one to fix me is me!! I was using him too!! To fill a void that I am missing!! I want to find what "that" is and have thumbs fill this and no one else. Maybe I won't need Thumbs to fill anything becasue I will be OK just to be me. Live in my own skin and love me for me!! I apprecaite you helping Thumbs and myself!! It does help very much!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by Thumbs Wife I need fixing and the only one to fix me is me!! You go, girl!!! You can do this. As long as you don't give up on yourself. I think maybe part of being the person that you want to be is visualizing the person that you want to be. Setting some goals....small ones at first, and then working towards them. And not forgetting to give yourself full marks for the stuff you already like about yourself. It's going to take some hard work to put all this behind you, but you'll never do it unless you face it first. Look it in the eye, call it by it's correct name....whatever that is. You'll get help identifying where that void in your life comes from in IC. Don't try to do it all on your own, it's too confusing for someone who's already in a weird place in her life. I am just ashamed of myself and I cannot seem to forgive myself for this!!! None of us will ever be as perfect as we'd like to be. That's just the way it is. We can visualize how we'd like to be, but we'll always fall just a little short of the mark. The important thing is that we strive for it. It's a matter of process, rather than completion. Afterall, God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He only expects us to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 5, 2005 Author Share Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by Thumbs Wife I am just so beside myself today!! good days bad days right Thumbs!! thats right....we will endure....stay focused honeypot! Originally posted by Thumbs Wife I want to find what "that" is and have thumbs fill this and no one else. Maybe I won't need Thumbs to fill anything becasue I will be OK just to be me. Live in my own skin and love me for me!! I understand waht you are saying. I know it is what we are learning in MC/IC. I understand that we as humans need to be happy as individuals.... And I know what we had was a co-dependent relationship...which is unhealthy at times.....becasue we depend on others to make us happy or to live through the other person. but the beauty of marriage and striving for a co-commited relationship...is that it is OK to need someone else...it is OK to open your heart to them...and let them in...to let them be apart of you...I believe that is the sactity of a marriage commitment. Even though we are individuals and are 100% responsible for what we are and feel.....theres nothing wrong with needing someone in the sense of a commited relationship....and i know we are starting to understand that.....and I am happy we are on this path..... TIME honeypot.....time is our biggest help and our biggest burden....but we will endure.....love always endures.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 7, 2005 Author Share Posted April 7, 2005 f***in rollercoasters.... good day yesterday....untill last night....and this morning.....f***...just cant shake some of these insecurities and doubts..... ya know how sometimes when your at the top of the biggest rise of a rollercoaster....and the car creeps slowing over the top....and you have the high...the anticipation.....then you hurl down the slope...and hit the bottom....and feel the tremedous G-force.... Well I sometimes I feel like I my car gets stuck the in the max G-force.....and it pulls me down into my gut and I cant get my head up... I have learned so much on how to deal with these feelings....but they sometimes suck me in so much...I feel stuck all over again.... good days - bad days.....good hours - bad hours.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 You know this already, but tomorrow will bring a better day. The weekend is coming up - Maybe plan something special for the two. Something FUN that will make ya both laugh! Forget the sex stuff and being real close...Take a breather - Go shoot some pool or play darts! Laugh and be silly! Lighten it up abit!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 TMY, I know what you mean brother. You have to trust God. You know it. And WWIU has a great idea, take her out and shoot some pool, have a couple brews and loosed up a bit. You definitley deserve it! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 One other reminder friend...we can't keep from having these thoughts sometimes that get us down, but we CAN decide how much power to give them. You and I spoke once of intentionally 'changing the subject' in your mind whenever thoughts of the A that really got you down started up. I'd mentioned that I'd often immediately follow up thoughts like this with "but that's not how things are NOW!". Try doing something like that for yourself. Recognize that the affair isn't going on NOW...you're wife is with you NOW, and you're both working to fix things for real...NOW. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 11, 2005 Author Share Posted April 11, 2005 Well, I had a bad day last Thursday.....but that night....when wife took kids to swim lessons....I had some time to calm down and gather myself. I sat down....read my life verse....asked Jesus what I should do..... He told me to just be myself.....live today as myself....not someone I "think" my wife wants me to be.. And it clicked inside me....just live, deal with the feelings...and just be myself. The same person my wife has known for all these years....well maybe not same guy I was...but the real me as I think of myself today. We went out Friday night....had a good night. We talked about how when ever we talk....it seems that the only thing we talk about is what happened...and when we ALWAY talk about that...we both get down and out and fell awkward. So we both understand that we cannot ignore the situation...but we also cant have that be the only thing we talk about. So I thought about that...and decided that if i was feeling something...and if i really had to talk about it, then do so...but if it is something I can deal with internally, then we would do that route. We also talked about how i am with affection and showering her with love yous and such....She said, I love what yu do and say...but we dont have to say I love you 20 times a day...or always be huggy huggy....cause quite frankly....she dont need it ALL the time...and most times I do it...it is driven by my insercurity. So i decided that I would pull back a little bit....and let her come to me (like jmargel suggested a while back). So most of Sat and all of Sun...I kinda played cool...(or as she said, I played hard to get..hahaha). I did not initiate any kisses or make the first I love yous. And ya know what..she caught on...and actualy thought I was ignoring her...which I responded I wasnt. I told her we talked about how "over" bearing I can be in my affection....and that maybe I should pull back and that what I was doing....but maybe I was a little to cold....Anyway...she did come to me....she initiated the good morning and good night kisses....and she even got all frisky last night ...and we had some VERY good lovin last night....very nice and very satisfing for both of us...(which has been an issue, since the whole truth came out) So I think i will take this approach a little more...just be myself and let her come to me when she needs to....but not come accross as being cold. ON another note. We played all last week in the city pool tournament. Were still in the winners bracket until Saturday....we made it to the top 4 teams...and ended up taking 3rd place out of 35 teams in Class B. So TOOT TOOT goes my horn.....whole team was excited to get that far....even got a trophy plaque for our bar and came away with over $200 each.....SWEET!!! Link to post Share on other sites
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 i so feel for you. U must b hurting so bad. I know what it feels like to be betrayed and lied to (read my post on DATING: "my bf constantly lies to me !! ) All i can say is to hang in there.. things will get better. You so deserve better than to be treated the way you have by her. What she did was so wrong. Does she have any morales at all? I know how scared you must feel at the thought of breaking it off with her because you love her and still feel so attached... but if she doesnt feel the same, then it wont work... and finally, in bad times like these (and also in the good) all u can do is pray. God bless... Link to post Share on other sites
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 sorry didnt read the last postings... seems like you two are working it out... good for you ... dont fall into the trap of trustin her too quickly tho... dont put ur guards down until u know for sure that she has changed and is sincerely sorry for her wrong doing. All the best... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 Its been a little over 3 months since D-day2. Time has flew by…and sometimes I don’t know where I am at. My wife has made a lot of progress. I can see she is getting over the OM…but she does admit she has her moments where she thinks of him…and what hes up to….still very hard for me to accept….I mean tis hard knowing that my wife feel in love and still has love for a OM. Unfortunatley she still works with him. But we hope that changes soon. She heard that he may be transferring to another office. But like I said before, my wife is up for a promotion soon…so she will be gone shortly anyway. Which will help her and I continue to focus on us. Living and feeling has been hard on me lately. After long thought, I and my MC determined that I was in depression. I have started on AD meds and things seem to be getting better. I am not where I want to be mentally, but I can feel a change in myself. My wife has started school (a requirement to get her promo) and has been very busy with that. It has taken up a lot of her time. I do miss her though…meaning, miss having more one on one time with her cause she is occupied with school, but we still make time for each other, and we make it quality time. But only 2 weeks left of this class, then we can spend the summer together…..but she goes back to school in the fall sometime. The good thing about her being in school, is that it is giving her something else to focus on that instead of her friends and the OM. Plus SHE is really trying and giving time and focusing on our marriage and family too, I don’t know where she just the strength and drive to do and manage all of this….but I can see the change in her and I like it. She is really working hard at making things right between us. We talk more, we spend the free time together when we can…try to get a date night in every other week. I have also had this time to really focus on my kids. I can see the change in my 2 year old son also. We are bonding really well and it feels great to get to know this little guy. My daughter is still sweet as ever and pleasure to be with. The kids also have a busy schedule…which is good and bad. It seems like we something to do everynight. Its crazy sometimes…but that’s OK…at least I know what I am doing and don’t sit here and dwell on the negatives….I try to focus on wife and kids activities and with the AD meds, my negative thoughts have dwindled. All in all, I am on my way….long way to go…but things are getting better. Still having trouble living day by day though...trying to have faith and hope in the future…but knowing that it is unknown is hard sometimes. Just trying to be positive and have something to look forward too. She does make comments about future activities…which is good, casue it shows that she wants to be here in this family. I mean it shows that she is thinking about US in the future and not just HER. She also was been complementing me on how much she appreciates me and what I do for her. She admits she needs me and that she couldn’t all of this without me….just more signs that she is coming around and realizes that we can make this work. Still wish I had more motivation for MYSELF. Taking ME time si vital, but its still hard since I am so attached to my wife….trying to move from co-dependence to co-commitment is hard…but its something we BOTH must do to become happy with ourselves so that we can be happy in marriage. My wife is loving life right now….she says she is exicted for school and her new job promo…and that she is really feeling ME now, ad she says it feels good to feel me again. She is much more positive and happy. Makes me feel good…and is helping me realize it is OK to pull away at times to be ME. She wants me to be ME and be happy and spend time on ME….its something that she needs me to do. I cant be so dependent on her and she don’t want me to be....thats what kinda drove her away in the first place….she wants her husband to be his own MAN…and have hobbies and activities too. Spending quality time apart from her and being an individual ADDS to my relationship when I do spend time with her. Hard to explain….but one becomes refreshed and rejuvenated with themselves when spending time alone and when they return to spending time with spouse it much more pleasurable. Helps take away the redundancy and complacency that seem to find a place in long term marriages. We both need to become individuals again, but with the renewed 100% commitment to rediscover our love and relationship. Been reading and thingking about all of these new threads regarding “what women want in a man”, “nice guy syndrome”, “bad boy types”, “doormat labels”, etc….I have been a doormat nice guy for too long. Time to change, without compromising who I already am. Just need to better myself….I don’t want to be the quiet guy anymore…I want to get some spontaneity and develop a more freer spirit. Not only for me, but for her to rediscover me. I am a blessed man to have such an incredible, person as my wife. As much as I was hurt by her….I still love her and she loves me. She has a way about her that is like no other I have ever met…..she has this aura about her…..something I cant explain….but if anyone of you met her….you’d be instantly attracted to her personality and her natural beauty. This Affair happened for a reason….for reasons that I am finally now realizing. We both needed this to WAKE US UP from our unconscious way of living and loving. We are moving forward to a better place…both inside ourselves and in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 You made me smile Thumbs. Man, I really hope your wife see's you the way everybody else does on here. You've got some pure good energy and you're such a great person. (Though I am sure you have your not so nice moments, just like the rest of us...Everybody's s*** stinks...Ha, except mine! Just kidding! ) All throughout your thread, even through the worst of it, there's been such a positive spin on things. You've not given up, always thought ahead and knew better days were to come. I really wish both of you the best and continue to get stronger, and stay happy together. Some things DO happen for a reason and obviously you've figured out why this happened to you and your wife. It's great that neither of you gave up and fought hard to make it so much better than before. Lots of hugs!! WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Glad to hear you are doing well Thumbs. You are such an incredible person to stay so positive. i wish I had more of that... I think doing things for yourself is a good idea. When you have hobbies that the other person does not do, it allows you to be your own person. That way, I think, they stop seeing you as just 'the husband' or 'the wife' and maybe it keeps the attraction going. I know what you mean about feeling like a doormat. I believe that I have let myself myself be a bit of a doormat throughout this whole relationship and am now thinking about whether I carry on like this, or find a way to exit with some pride left. Sigh..it's hard going. Big hugs to you, Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
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