why won't he act on it

[heytheregirl]

Hi guys, I need advice.

I have known this guy, hes my brothers bestie actually.

Since we've met there has been chemistry (which is about 7 years now). From day dot even my mum mentioned how obvious it was.

For whatever reason I didn't see much of him for a long time we lost contact

I got a boyfriend, he got a girlfriend etc....and then eventually we started spending lots of time as my brother and boyfriend also became friends.

Anyway it was obvious that the chemistry was still there even in our new relationships but I never thought about it much as my head doesn't go there when I have a boyfriend.

3 years later I am now single and have been for a while. He is still in his relationship. However, recently confessed to me his attraction to me and how he feels... we kissed on this occasion and I let it go. I saw him the next weekend and he tried to get me alone (with his girlfriend in the house) and I refused but told him how I felt mutually about him.

In front of my brother, he acts differently, more distant.

But around everyone else, girlfriend included sometimes its still obvious to everyone including my family how he feels. Even my own brother approached me and said to me that he's not stupid and can see that he has had feelings for years.

Recently I couldn't take it anymore the feelings were too much so I cut him off facebook and all social media. Until he text me asking if I was out. In my drunken stupidity we met up and well yeah did it.

 

Now I just feel like ****. I know he's not in love but he's not doing anything about it. I'm probably in denial here but I don't understand why he wouldn't act on something that's not only obvious to myself but everyone around us.

 

Does he just not care? Was I just a conquest? I need help to move on but it's hard to do it if I think he cares and everyone I know tells me he does.

[Scarlet2]

I'm obviously not an expert on the male mind but here's my rationalization. He may very well like you more than his current girlfriend but he might not have the courage to break up with her because she hasn't done anything wrong. I think he will stay with her until she breaks up with him first or she does something he can't live with anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Sexual attraction and sexual chemistry is not love. If he truly felt deep feelings he'd end it with his gf and ask you out.

 

Question if it's okay to ask? When you had a boyfriend, you didn't do anything with him, but then you became single and went for it with him..Does it not make a difference to you that he has a girlfriend?

[jellybean89]

I don't buy the whole "everyone knows we have chemistry" crud.

 

You were a challenge. He got what he wanted. He's not leaving his gf for you.

 

Why did you allow a guy who has a gf to have sex with you? Why would you allow such disrespect to your body?

[Quiet Storm]

It's easier for men to separate love and sex. Chemistry is exactly that- hormones and chemicals. We are humans, and people in relationships are attracted to others. But when you make a commitment to someone you should have boundaries so that you don't fuel the attraction. He is not protecting or respecting his relationship, but this doesn't necessarily mean he feels unhappy in his relationship. Many guys who cheat only want to enhance their current life, not replace their partner.

 

He can be attracted to you, like you, enjoy your company and love having sex with you- and still not have any desire to change his life. You expect that the existence of these feelings and chemistry will make him conclude he is with the wrong person. This often results in OW assuming he is just confused and doesnt want to hurt his GF by leaving her. This is simply not the way many cheating men think. They are not confused or trapped or in some gut wrenchig dilemma. They just want both- their wife/GF as the constant, the home base PLUS another woman to enhance life and make it more exciting.

 

The connection you feel doesn't mean you should participate in his cheating. Accept that he is unavailable and keep your distance from him.

[heytheregirl]

Thank you all for your opinions.

It helps me to move forward. It's just a difficult situation considering I can't cut him out completely. So i've tried distancing myself to stop what happened from happening, but he always finds a way to 'bump into me' when i'm out or be there when I am spending time with my brother.

 

I never wanted it to happen, but I guess that's a reflection on my self esteem.

I wouldn't expect him to do that with such little care when he knows I am going to be in his life whether he likes it or not. I suppose I was trying to convince myself that I was more than that as it had been a long time coming (as we all do)

 

My brother often asks me to hang out with them, do I explain to my brother why I can't be around him anymore? I don't want to stir **** but he's going to start wondering why I make excuses.

 

In response to the question about do I care that he has a girlfriend? Yes I do, and yes I feel guilty. However, I care MORE about what I do in my relationships because it's the person in the relationships decision to cheat. Basically, she's no friend of mine - he should care about her feelings and not cheat in his relationship. I'll probably get my karma for saying that but I'm being honest.

 

I know at the end of the day I gave myself too easily when I shouldn't have. So I have to deal with the consequences now. I'm just angry really that I was sucked in by that 'I care about you' bull****.

Edited August 26, 2014 by heytheregirl