BetrayedH Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Wait, is this still going on? If so, I think you've got a woman on your hands that just wants multiple men desiring her and she's not going to stop just because it makes you uncomfortable. You either force her to make a choice (by making yourself unavailable to be in that position) or you accept being just one of those men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author James-London Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 no. its not going on anymore. d day was last august and i last spoke to her on the phone 3 or 4 months ago, and the last email was about 3 weeks ago. the thing is that i am sure she never wanted this. we were really not a relationship in trouble. she didn't want to cheat.... things just went too far when she thought she could handle the situation. she says that she doesn't love the OM at all. well, that's what she tells me. but at the same time, she never really fought to get me back. She didn't cancel her holiday with friends to be with me for example. she never booked the couple's therapy, even though i asked her to.... and she never really wanted to remove the OM. that is what really gets me. Why tell me how I am everything she wants when she really does nothing necessary to get me back. I'm sure you would say that it was all just rubbish how she really wanted me. I think she was just too insecure to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 no. its not going on anymore. d day was last august and i last spoke to her on the phone 3 or 4 months ago, and the last email was about 3 weeks ago. the thing is that i am sure she never wanted this. we were really not a relationship in trouble. she didn't want to cheat.... things just went too far when she thought she could handle the situation. she says that she doesn't love the OM at all. well, that's what she tells me. but at the same time, she never really fought to get me back. She didn't cancel her holiday with friends to be with me for example. she never booked the couple's therapy, even though i asked her to.... and she never really wanted to remove the OM. that is what really gets me. Why tell me how I am everything she wants when she really does nothing necessary to get me back. I'm sure you would say that it was all just rubbish how she really wanted me. I think she was just too insecure to let go. Sorry, had to glance at some of your older threads to remind myself of your scenario. She's just a liar, dude. I suspect that saying nice things to you makes her feel better about driving a truck over your heart (and backing up so she can run over it again) - like somehow she's making up for all that. Here's the thing - what she thinks doesn't matter. You know she's the one that is screwed up in this situation. That's about her. Quit looking toward her for some kind of closure because she's just spinning in circles and you're left wondering why the f*ck she's doing it. It ain't gonna make sense. Your answers aren't over there. Closure is going to come from within. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Truth be told, I know more men that have cheated on their wives then women cheating on their husbands. All in all it boils down to one persons values and morals. If they lack them, then they have a better chance to step out of their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 (edited) It has only been a year, some of us take that long or longer to heal, so give it time. As I previously posted, after the breakup of my marriage, I totally swore off on love. That did not mean that I gave up my social life, in fact my sex life hit new highs. However when the teensiest glimmer of deeper feelings began to appear, I was gone. I liked living alone, having no one to answer to and thought that I was immune to love. Second date, first kiss, it was too late. When I went home that night, for the first time in 14 years, I realized how lonely I was. I was trapped, if I ran, I would be hurt, if I stayed the hurt might be deeper. To make matter worse, she was out of my league in the looks department. It was only supposed to be a ONS or two, as she had just separated from her long time live in lover, when he left the state to clean up a drug problem, and they planned on reuniting some day in the future. But then when I took a second look, the sex, from her point of view was great, and number two her dog. She was super close to her dog and he hated everybody including her Ex H and her Ex BF. But for some reason her dog liked me from the moment we met, something she noticed. So I took the chance and walked out on the thin ice, at first with a cocky fake confidence. But, as we got to know each other, it turned out we had a lot in common. Such as I decorated for Christmas with lots of lights, something she had always wanted to do. She liked racing, I took her to the races and down into the pits, and even fixed it so she could sit in a real race car. I used each and ever thing we had in common to build the bonds between us. When her Ex BF came back 6 months later, she told him she had found somebody else. And about a year after we started dating the ILY's began, and haven't stopped. Now going on for 19 years. Yes I totally trust her, but at the same time, people change, so I never take her for granted and we both keep working on keeping this flower blooming. Edited August 30, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 It has only been a year, some of us take that long or longer to heal, so give it time. As I previously posted, after the breakup of my marriage, I totally swore off on love. That did not mean that I gave up my social life, in fact my sex life hit new highs. However when the teensiest glimmer of deeper feelings began to appear, I was gone. I liked living alone, having no one to answer to and thought that I was immune to love. Second date, first kiss, it was too late. When I went home that night, for the first time in 14 years, I realized how lonely I was. I was trapped, if I ran, I would be hurt, if I stayed the hurt might be deeper. To make matter worse, she was out of my league in the looks department. It was only supposed to be a ONS or two, as she had just separated from her long time live in lover, when he left the state to clean up a drug problem, and they planned on reuniting some day in the future. But then when I took a second look, the sex, from her point of view was great, and number two her dog. She was super close to her dog and he hated everybody including her Ex H and her Ex BF. But for some reason her dog liked me from the moment we met, something she noticed. So I took the chance and walked out on the thin ice, at first with a cocky fake confidence. But, as we got to know each other, it turned out we had a lot in common. Such as I decorated for Christmas with lots of lights, something she had always wanted to do. She liked racing, I took her to the races and down into the pits, and even fixed it so she could sit in a real race car. I used each and ever thing we had in common to build the bonds between us. When her Ex BF came back 6 months later, she told him she had found somebody else. And about a year after we started dating the ILY's began, and haven't stopped. Now going on for 19 years. Yes I totally trust her, but at the same time, people change, so I never take her for granted and we both keep working on keeping this flower blooming. Thanks, 2.50, for sharing all this. So happy for you and to know it can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Occurred to me reading this that it's like a good business in a way, starting a new organization or running a government - none of which I've ever done . Point is you can talk and create safety nets in advance. I've always liked the idea of a prenuptial agreement. I realize there were red flags from day one that I ignored. I know that staying married to my H in the years I have left means fixing what got H and me here. If he can't step up to the plate, I need help pushing him off it once and for all. I'm getting it. But I think I had all the tools and signs FROM THE BEGINNING. I just ignored them. In in my case, trust was equivalent to laziness and ignorance. Now, I can identify what in him brought this on, what in me allowed it. You know what you missed and deserve. Name it, talk about it and be sure you agree on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author James-London Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Chinadolly - I thought that too. I assumed that someone has to be unhappy with their partner on some level in order to cheat on them. I think that is an important catalyst to cheating, but it is not necessary. In my case, I think my ex really did love me but she was never sure I was the right guy for her. I think she was frustrated but could not express or explain it. Communicating feelings was never her strong point. In addition, she found this other guy very interesting and attractive. She knew that lots of girls wanted him so she really loved that he was giving her attention..... So, in the end she ending up cheating. I do think she really loved me and even that she wanted to stay as my GF. However, she felt she had more in common with the OM than me, and she found him exciting and romantic and cool. I don't think she saw the OM as a serious boyfriend, but she was just too weak to stay faithful to me. In the end, I could take this all on the chin. That is just life, right? We cannot control who a person is attracted to. Obviously, I would not stay with her, but I could wish her good luck. But the final slap in the face for me was how she was happy to carry on seeing him behind my back "as a friend" in 2013 after cheating on me with him in 2012. I find it really weird that she could not see any problem with that. I find it outrageous that she could be happy to have any relationship with this OM at all, and still want to be my GF.... I guess it just shows a massive lack of emotional intelligence. Or maybe she didn't really want to be with me but just found it too hard to say goodbye.... Who knows. These days, I am not so much angry anymore. I still don't get it, but I don't think there is much to understand here. She was just very messed up and had conflicting feelings. In the end, she did not want to let go of the OM and she did not want to fight to get me back. That is why she cannot be serious about being with me (despite what she says), and that is why I need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Chinadolly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author James-London Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 that's weird - i thought i was replying to that poster. Maybe i mixed up threads or chinadolly removed her post... Chinadolly? Link to post Share on other sites
swimswithjeans Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 thanks everyone. I was just thinking that all these stories are pretty spine tingling stuff. However, I don't think what happens on LS is a fair reflection of what normally happens in reality, for obvious reasons. I think that you raise a really fair point here. People are more likely to report 'bad' experiences than positive ones. Something that someone told me recently which really resonated with me is that, when things are going well, you don't ask "why me?" so why do that when things go poorly? I wish you all the best in your journey, and I don't think you should give up. Link to post Share on other sites
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