Ex-boyfriend doesn't want to meet up (updates)

[elaine567]

I am in speaking terms with my first ex after 3 years of not talking, it took a long time to get there. My most recent ex however, is a different story. I was so in love with her and it really really hurt that she decided to break us up. I would do the same thing your ex is doing, avoiding you at all costs. Unless my ex wants to get back together someday, I really have no desire to see her at all and I will avoid any and all chances to see her if possible. If she were to invite me to coffee to end "on a good note" I would probably ignore it or tell her no. It's not worth opening wounds that I have desperately been trying to stop bleeding and bandage. Anger is also a part of the grieving process, so its natural for him to be feeling this.

 

Leave him be, maybe in a year or two you guys will be at the point where you might speak on friendly terms but don't force it. You will only hurt him more.

 

This ^^^^^

[flightplan]

Take this in the spirit intended, but you really need to look at how self centered you're being. This isn't about him... it's about satisfying whatever leftover guilt you have for the pain he's going through... it's all about making you feel good... not him. Coffee is the last thing he wants to have with you. Leave him be. Move on.

[Halcyon]

So I knew something was missing, I went and looked at OP posting history another 8 page thread about this.

 

Basically some cliff notes:

 

- OP dumped ex in a power play to try and press a point, it backfired because she expected him to come crawling back. He didn't, as a result OP is doing anything in her power to make sure he can't move on and heal. (Whilst also making sure she can't move on and heal).

 

- OP is codependent on ex for happiness, refuses to accept he wants to move on.

 

- Both involved seem to have a lot of growing up to do.

 

- This was an incredibly toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

 

My only advice to the OP is in future don't use dumping someone as a way to try and change someone. Especially don't dump someone if you don't actually want to. That being said your ex doesn't sound like a very nice person and you are better off without him anyway. You are telling yourself you need him when in fact you really don't. You want him to be someone else, he is not that person. Above all that you dumped him, when you dump someone it's over. No take backs.

[KBarletta]

Unless my ex wants to get back together someday, I really have no desire to see her at all and I will avoid any and all chances to see her if possible.

 

This is 100 percent correct. As a dumpee myself, if my ex wanted to meet up for coffee, I would get my hopes up that she wanted to reconcile. If all she wanted was to relieve her own guilt over the breakup, it would send me back to square one and make me angry all over again.

 

You are the dumper. You have to live with the consequences of that decision. Thus, unless your stated goal is to reconcile, there is no reason to contact your ex.

[Sweeetie]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You are right in that I do not want to get back with him, but you are wrong in that I want to see him to get rid of guilt. I have zero guilt, it was he who messed things up, and he is actually quite fortunate to have me still interested in a friendship.

 

This is also my first time as a dumper, having been a dumpee three times with other people and grieving for 2 years over the breakage of my first 3-month relationship, so I know what the other side feels like.

 

The main reason that I want to see him is to correct the misunderstandings that he had about me, the main one being that he thought I was trying to separate him from his friends when I never had this intention. That was the reason I broke up- he never understood or knew me.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Sweeetie

[snowflakes88]

You already have a very lengthy thread on here where he refused to see you despite you continuing to push. Plus tons of threads about how awful he made you feel about yourself, how ugly he made you feel, etc. -- like literally from the time you got together until you broke up. First, you should explore why you're so desperate to be friends with someone who, according to you, made you feel so terrible so frequently. Secondly, you need to respect his wishes. If he wants nothing to do with you, let it be.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You are right in that I do not want to get back with him, but you are wrong in that I want to see him to get rid of guilt. I have zero guilt, it was he who messed things up, and he is actually quite fortunate to have me still interested in a friendship.

 

This is also my first time as a dumper, having been a dumpee three times with other people and grieving for 2 years over the breakage of my first 3-month relationship, so I know what the other side feels like.

 

The main reason that I want to see him is to correct the misunderstandings that he had about me, the main one being that he thought I was trying to separate him from his friends when I never had this intention. That was the reason I broke up- he never understood or knew me.

 

Once again, your motives are selfish. You want to clear the air for your own benefit. He's not interested in this, so stop pushing it. Leave him alone.

[Halcyon]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You are right in that I do not want to get back with him, but you are wrong in that I want to see him to get rid of guilt. I have zero guilt, it was he who messed things up, and he is actually quite fortunate to have me still interested in a friendship.

 

This is also my first time as a dumper, having been a dumpee three times with other people and grieving for 2 years over the breakage of my first 3-month relationship, so I know what the other side feels like.

 

The main reason that I want to see him is to correct the misunderstandings that he had about me, the main one being that he thought I was trying to separate him from his friends when I never had this intention. That was the reason I broke up- he never understood or knew me.

 

Sorry Sweetie, you need to let go. You think you are being generous by offering him friendship. You are being selfish, he doesn't want it you are trying to force the issue. You have an agenda that you want to force him to think the way you want him to think, purely selfish reasons. You need to leave him alone. Why do you feel so compelled to force this issue? You dumped him because you wanted to make a point, that is not a healthy way to resolve issues.

 

Why are you so desperate to stay in his life is the real question? He made you feel horrible why would you want to be friends with someone like that. Ultimately you cannot force friendship which you are trying to do.

 

He's decided to move on respect his decision.

[Chatmonkey]

Hello all,

 

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago and haven't seen each other for 3 months, ever since I moved to a new town. We dated for a year and I broke up due to him having a lot of misunderstandings about me. No cheating was involved from either end but he has hated me since the breakup. Another friend of his has also moved to a new different town.

 

We are both back in town for the holidays, for a few weeks. This friend organised a little reunion last night for our friendship group. My ex was initially going to go, but when he found out I'm going too he bailed out. I was also feeling nervous before the meetup about how upset I would feel when I saw my ex, knowing he hates me, so one could say I was spared.

 

What do you think the reasons could be for him not turning up?

 

I am also planning on asking my ex to meet for a coffee. Last Christmas was very special because we shared it together, and it would be really nice to see him this Christmas as well. I miss him quite a lot. Would it be a bad idea to ask him?

 

I haven't read the comments, but going off just your origional post alone, i would say probably best just to leave the ex alone for now. He is only 'angry' at you because he is hurt and its just the way he has chosen to deal with it. It's sad that he has chosen hate, but people deal with hurt in their own ways. He is clearly not over it and it would cause him more pain seeing you, don't take it personally.

 

Leave him, let him get past this. Then potentially reach out to him

[darkmoon]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You are right in that I do not want to get back with him, but you are wrong in that I want to see him to get rid of guilt. I have zero guilt, it was he who messed things up, and he is actually quite fortunate to have me still interested in a friendship.

 

This is also my first time as a dumper, having been a dumpee three times with other people and grieving for 2 years over the breakage of my first 3-month relationship, so I know what the other side feels like.

 

The main reason that I want to see him is to correct the misunderstandings that he had about me, the main one being that he thought I was trying to separate him from his friends when I never had this intention. That was the reason I broke up- he never understood or knew me.

 

you are living in the past, correcting misunderstandings about your past instead of the whole thing being a hazy memory, you seem so driven to sort this out

 

let go of the past - what do you want for next year?

[BC1980]

Sweetie, you have tried multiple times to contact him over the past months. He has never expressed interest, so it's time to stop reaching out. He clearly didn't go to the reunion because he doesn't want to see you. Most people aren't good friends with an ex, and many don't have charitable feelings either. That's just the way it goes, and you have to accept it.

[Sweeetie]

I gave it one last shot and sent him a short and sweet message yesterday saying that I am back in town if he wanted to meet for a coffee before he goes home for Christmas (he's from abroad but lives here, he's going home on Saturday according to his friend) and he didn't reply. That's going to be my last attempt to get him to talk to me. I'm going to send him a final goodbye message thanking him for our nice relationship and then put all this behind me finally. If I don't, I will always feel like trying again and again- this'll be closure.

[Diezel]

I gave it one last shot and sent him a short and sweet message yesterday saying that I am back in town if he wanted to meet for a coffee before he goes home for Christmas (he's from abroad but lives here, he's going home on Saturday according to his friend) and he didn't reply. That's going to be my last attempt to get him to talk to me. I'm going to send him a final goodbye message thanking him for our nice relationship and then put all this behind me finally. If I don't, I will always feel like trying again and again- this'll be closure.

 

You can try to fool LS, but it looks like you've honestly fooled yourself.

 

So you gave it one last shot, but now you're going to send one last message? You know, after he didn't reply to the previous one? Get real with yourself. If you weren't in your hometown, you wouldn't be doing any of this. You just feel slighted at this point.

 

You should have had your closure when YOU dumped him. You're fishing for a response from him at this point.

[Sweeetie]

Before I sent that last closure email, my ex replied to my coffee invite this morning.

 

His message was cold and short, saying he does not want to see me since he hasn't forgotten how I harassed him and his friends-- which shows it is the misconception he had that I was always trying to split them up, that makes him still hate me. I will now send that last closure email attempting to correct his misconceptions and saying goodbye at the same time.

[elaine567]

Before I sent that last closure email, my ex replied to my coffee invite this morning.

 

His message was cold and short, saying he does not want to see me since he hasn't forgotten how I harassed him and his friends-- which shows it is the misconception he had that I was always trying to split them up, that makes him still hate me. I will now send that last closure email attempting to correct his misconceptions and saying goodbye at the same time.

thanking him for our nice relationship

 

Can't you see how selfish this all is, but I don't think you can, this is all about you... From what you say, he now hates you, how can it have been a "nice" relationship?

"Nice" relationships end with long talks and "sorry it didn't work out", big hugs and we'll meet for coffee sometime - a bit like he does with his other exes, so it isn't as if he is a grudgeful person.

 

Cruel and unnecessary on your part, I am sorry to say to you.

[snowflakes88]

Before I sent that last closure email, my ex replied to my coffee invite this morning.

 

His message was cold and short, saying he does not want to see me since he hasn't forgotten how I harassed him and his friends-- which shows it is the misconception he had that I was always trying to split them up, that makes him still hate me. I will now send that last closure email attempting to correct his misconceptions and saying goodbye at the same time.

 

And then he won't respond to that, so you'll have to send another "one last message," and another and another after that. You seriously had about 10 threads about this that got merged into a single one by the mods -- and no matter what you try, he isn't interested in seeing you. I don't buy for one second that you don't want this man back. He treated you poorly and was never all that into you, but you broke up with him not b/c you didn't want to be together (though that SHOULD have been the reason!) -- but because you thought he'd react by fighting for you. And he didn't, and he hasn't. I don't think this has anything to do with wanting to be friends, and everything to do with you being lonely and wallowing in low self-esteem, thus thinking trying to get back with him might not be such a bad idea.

 

The problem is, both people have to want that. He's made it abundantly clear that he has moved on -- and the more you push, the more annoyed and over it he will become. Continuing to send messages will only reaffirm his decision.

[BC1980]

Before I sent that last closure email, my ex replied to my coffee invite this morning.

 

His message was cold and short, saying he does not want to see me since he hasn't forgotten how I harassed him and his friends-- which shows it is the misconception he had that I was always trying to split them up, that makes him still hate me. I will now send that last closure email attempting to correct his misconceptions and saying goodbye at the same time.

 

He doesn't have to agree to your version of events. It's not your job to go around policing what he thinks. Leave this poor guy alone. He's been far more kind to you than many people would. It doesn't really matter what happened, what he thinks, what you think. It's over, and it's no longer relevant to anyone but you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Before I sent that last closure email, my ex replied to my coffee invite this morning.

 

His message was cold and short, saying he does not want to see me since he hasn't forgotten how I harassed him and his friends-- which shows it is the misconception he had that I was always trying to split them up, that makes him still hate me. I will now send that last closure email attempting to correct his misconceptions and saying goodbye at the same time.

 

Dude, you've crossed the creepy line. The guy doesn't want to talk to you - LEAVE HIM ALONE! You have been and are continuing to be extremely selfish. Please stop.

[Halcyon]

Sweetie you are in some horrible mix of extreme denial and extreme selfishness. You can't force your world view onto someone else and you shouldn't even try with someone who is your ex, it's just not going to happen.

 

You can keep saying you are been very nice sending these messages but at this point it is harassment, yes you heard right harassment. There is no misconceptions here, he has told you many times he wants to be left alone yet you continue to contact him.

 

If you were anything like you have been writing whilst in the relationship I wouldn't be surprised if these "misconceptions" you broke up with him about are actually true. I digress though none of this matters now, the past is the past. Stop been so bloody selfish and leave the guy along, move on with your life. He doesn't want anything to do with you.

[lauri]

You sound exactly like my ex. Check my posts...except my ex continued to do this to me by trying to get in contact with me for an entire year - I just avoided her and wouldn't deal with her. She had no intention of getting back with me and "thinks I misunderstand her" and "she isn't a bad person". This is 100% about you and 0% about him.

 

Why would you want to talk to him if you don't want to be with him? That makes zero sense. Also, like my ex, it sounds like you're in denial about your actions and what you did. You are convincing yourself that what you did was not that bad and that "he misunderstood what happened". You're going on about how it is him that messed up and hes "lucky you even want friendship" shows me something here...why would you want to be friends with someone if they messed up so bad?

 

I'm very confused by your posts.

[EgoJoe]

OP,

 

 

Tell us what is really going on in your head.

 

 

We might be objective but the ultimate goal here in these forums is health and happiness. Tell us why you want to talk to him.

 

 

I haven't read your original thread bit perhaps wrong it all out would be therapeutic.