SweetLass Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 (edited) I apologize right now for this being long! This is my first post here, I just joined because I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm 19 with a 4 month old daughter and have been married to my husband a little longer than a year. I guess my problem is that I don't really understand how a marriage should be. I've read romance novels for as long as I can remember so I've always dreamt about falling a good looking guy and being crazy about him for the rest of my life. When I was 17 I moved cross country to live with my husband, not married at the time, and when he got back from Afghanistan we decided to get married. He's the only person I've ever slept with but I've never once felt tingles or anything when he touched me. I married him because he was nice and enjoys providing for our family. He makes me laugh but I feel like we're more friends than anything. He's never been mean to me or even angry at all but I've grown to kind of resent him. He's currently unemployed and just sits around all day. He rarely leaves the couch and NEVER picks up after himself, he literally just drops things on the ground while he's walking and never turns off lights or closes doors/cupboards. I used to not mind but with our daughter and him not working I feel like he should help without me having to ask. I've asked him multiple times to try and be more aware of what he's doing and help me keep our house tidy but he doesn't do anything different. For the last few months I've been very frustrated and don't even want to look at him. Every time he touches me I just want to swat his hand away, I don't look forward to sex at all but I don't think I even liked it from the beginning. I want to tell him I feel this way but I don't want to hurt his feelings because he is very nice just not what I think I want. My mom told me that's marriage and I should tough it out because I made a commitment. I know the grass isn't always greener but I can't help thinking I could maybe find someone different who makes me feel more passion (?). I almost forgot to add that he's 25, I met him when he was 23. Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Title change Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) I don't know how much faith I would put in to what your mom says since she allowed a 17 year old to go across the country to hook up with a 23 year old guy in the service. That was a decision you were ill-prepared to make and that is why it is contingent on parents to monitor and guide the actions of their minor children. Your mom already dropped the ball on that one so don't put too much credit or faith into her words of wisdom.... ....but that is all water under the bridge now. You are going to do a lot of growing up and learn a lot of things about the world and endure a lot of hardships in the next few years. Unfortunately there is going to be a baby that will be impacted by this madness. In a nutshell you were a naïve child that fell for the sweet talk of a lonely adult serviceman and didn't have any involved adults in your life to whack you upside the head and tell you not to fall for it. You do not have any actual attraction or desire for him. In order for a woman to desire a man and be sexually responsive to him, she has to respect and admire him. You have no respect or admiration for him because he is an unemployed slug that can't take care of himself let alone provide for and take care of a family. It is just a matter of time before this turns bad and you either leave him, find someone else and cheat and or leave or he cheats on or leaves you. Start preparing for this now. -Start circling your wagons and start surrounding yourself with friends and family that can assist you and provide support. - get some education/technical training/ job skills so that you will be able to support yourself and get a roof over your head and provide food on the table for you and your baby. - Become familiar with the divorce laws and child support laws in your state and pay particular attention to how those laws jive with the child support and child custody laws between where you currently live and where your family etc lives. - start building up a secret stash of cash and make your life portable enough that you can pack up and leave in a day if he starts to drink/do drugs, cheats or especially if he becomes abusive. He may be nice and not treat you badly now, but that will change as time goes on and you become less and less sexually responsive to him. a 25 year old man who's a louse will not be nice for long if he is not getting sex on a regular basis. The more frustrated he gets, the more likely he will be to turn to drugs/alcohol and the more likely he will be to turn abusive or he will just find someone else and either cheat behind your back (chances are he already is. Start doing some investigating and you will find the smoking gun) or he will ask you to leave or he will just be gone one day. There is going to come a day where he will turn into a drunk or abusive or he will ask you to leave. Start getting prepared for that day now and the very moment that happens, stuff your child and as much stuff as you can into the car as fast as you can and head home without looking back and get to the lawyers office as quick as you can. This is inevitable. it cannot be stopped. it can not be fixed. This was doomed from the start. grow up today and start seeking legal counsel and start preparing to support yourself and your child. You will be fleeing in the middle of the night one of these days in the foreseeable future. It may be a few weeks, a few months, maybe even a year or so but it will happen. Start preparing for that day now. Edited August 25, 2014 by oldshirt 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetLass Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 That was a bit doom and gloom but I get it. My mom is fairly decent, I just left one night while she was sleeping. I did always kind of have that feeling, though. One time I told him I wanted to fly home and visit my family and he said if I left don't bother coming back. Thanks for being honest and frank. I have been looking into schools and trying to figure out what I want to do but I don't how to tell him. I feel guilty for even posting this Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 That was a bit doom and gloom but I get it. My mom is fairly decent, I just left one night while she was sleeping. I did always kind of have that feeling, though. One time I told him I wanted to fly home and visit my family and he said if I left don't bother coming back. Thanks for being honest and frank. I have been looking into schools and trying to figure out what I want to do but I don't how to tell him. I feel guilty for even posting this My suggestion is stop telling him anything - just start doing it. Whatever you tell him, he is just going to say you are wrong and why you shouldn't do it. You are being let down and lead astray by the "adults' in your life. It's time to start being the adult yourself and doing the right thing for you and your child. ....more responses to follow below - Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 That was a bit doom and gloom but I get it. Not doom and gloom, just very very frank. My mom is fairly decent, I just left one night while she was sleeping. a 17 year old leaving in the night crossing state lines to be with an adult man is called a runaway and it is probably not even legal for her to not contact the authorities to report it and get you back home. She was negligent at best and possibly even criminal in allowing you to run away to be with him. she failed in her role as a mother. You haven't mentioned your father, is he involved in your life at all?? One time I told him I wanted to fly home and visit my family and he said if I left don't bother coming back. Alienation from family and friends is one of the hallmark signs of an abuser. Abuse always escalates. He may not have hit you yet but it is coming. There has probably already been emotional abuse but I suspect from your background that you don't even see it yet. The fact that he would have a 17 year old leave her home to travel across the country is a clear indication of his character. As you are a legal adult now, it is very questionable if any legal action can be taken now but if he had been reported and caught at the time, he would be sitting in prison now for sex with a minor. . I have been looking into schools and trying to figure out what I want to do but I don't how to tell him. Don't tell him. Just start doing it. If he questions anything just say you need more money to pay the bills. I feel guilty for even posting this Don't. you are going to need lots of help and support in the future. You are going to have to ask for help from a wide variety of people and agencies. you will need to get away from him and you will need help and support from others to do it. responses in bold above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetLass Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 My dad is just kind of there. He used to be a very angry/abusive drunk so we don't talk much and he told me once that he doesn't feel it's his place anymore to give me "guidance." My parents hate each other so I know how not to be in a marriage for the most part I just thought I would be stuck with whoever I married especially once a kid was brought into the mix. I thought it was best to settle Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 Call your mother and ask for her help to get you and your daughter home for a visit and then figure out the things you want to do next with her support. It sounds like you made a child's pig headded move two years ago. Now you have to act like an adult but it will be easier in a different environment, especially if your husband comes to see you. If he should, have the conversation you can't seem to be able to have with him now. Good luck, Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 My dad is just kind of there. He used to be a very angry/abusive drunk so we don't talk much and he told me once that he doesn't feel it's his place anymore to give me "guidance." He has failed as a father from day one. it's always a parents place to give guidance to their children. Once children are adults it's their choice whether they follow it or not. You were still a minor when you ran off to be with an adult man. They failed in allowing that to happen and allowing it to continue. it's up to you to get out of it now. My parents hate each other so I know how not to be in a marriage for the most part I just thought I would be stuck with whoever I married especially once a kid was brought into the mix. You never have to be "stuck." each day is a new day. I thought it was best to settle It never is. responses above. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 The romance novels paint an unrealistic picture of happily ever after. Get your husband to the local VA. At best he's depressed, as often happens with Veterans. At worst he has other issues. The VA has a job placement program; they can help him take advantage of the GI bill to get some education & if he qualifies they may pay him disability benefits. Educate yourself about what happens to these guys post combat. A big part of it is the economy & the lack of jobs for Vets when they get out of the service. He should not be such a slob but that won't be addressed until his depression is addressed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ron103 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 This is very similar to my story (mooching wife) but in reverse. I think this is just further evidence to take your time with long distance relationships and that chemistry DOES matter. Did you ever feel really turned on by someone you made out with before marriage? I assume you at least kissed some past bfs. As for your current situation, is there any way you could both go to counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetLass Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 I never had any boyfriends before I married him, that's why I'm so confused! I have nothing to compare this to lol I did kiss a girl once but didnt feel any kind of excitement. I thought about going to marriage counseling but I feel like if I actually told him what I feel/think that he wouldn't get over it Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetLass Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 And I forgot to add that he did do job placement stuff with the VA and ACAP before he got out but he's not very smart and doesnt let me check his resumes before he sends them so he always gets calls saying they don't want him because his resume was so bad. He keeps applying for jobs but he's also super picky about what he wants to do. I told him that he cant expect a job that pays $25 an hour because he has no college education or much job experience other than the army and warehouse work so we're still stuck in a rut. I have my mind set on divorce but I dont know if I can go through with it! I got accepted into a divers academy and will be out of state for a year so if we got a divorce I dont know if I would get custody of my daughter Link to post Share on other sites
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