Any fOW think they're now undateable?

[OWAmy]

For me I feel that xMM was the grand finale in my long track record of dating emotionally unavailable men. The only affair I had but I feel it was inevitable that I would progress (regress is a more appropriate word) to a MM at some point.

 

It has been two months of absolute NC now and I do feel much happier. NC has been easy for me - I know a lot on here say they struggle, but it has been the opposite for me. He has been left behind.

 

My problem now is my future. I have a friend who I have known for several years and he absolutely thinks the world of me. I had a child on my own whilst I was with MM (by a sperm donor) and so now I am at a quandary. The life I could have with him would be one in which I had no financial worries and my child would be absolutely adored. Is that a good enough life?

 

The only thing is I just don't find him attractive - physically. I think a large part of this is because he is so keen and places me on a pedestal. If I was to get with him it would be like a marriage of convenience for me at best. But is that so wrong? I do respect and value him and see he has many good points.

 

My question really is, should I get in the real world and accept that you can't have it all? I am very conscious that I want what's best for my son and finding him a father is my no 1 priority.

 

Any thoughts welcome

[Baby123]

I think the question isn't cut and dry. I wouldn't write your friend off- I believe that sometimes chemistry can grow with intimate moments and when looking at some great marriages there not based on great sex and passion but on caring for one another and shared interest. Why not date him and see!? I think that some people are more focused on romance and sex and some are more focused on security and care. I know everyone wants it all- but sometimes life isn't about a fairy tale.

 

Also Amy please stop viewing yourself as damaged- you sound like a wonderful person- please don't get down on yourself or you will be alone and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[trailrunner1975]

Save him the heartbreak for later the lack of attraction will show. You are either attracted or you aren't and rarely does that feeling change. He deserv someone who really is into him the whole way.

[carhill]

OP, don't date someone if you don't find them attractive, IMO. I ran into this some when younger and ended up despising women who used me as a time filler but didn't find me attractive authentically.

 

As an OM I dated other women. Why? Because the MW's and I weren't exclusive. The mere fact that they were married obviated any sort of exclusive relationship, hence I was free to date other people as they were free to associate with their spouse. Equity.

[anika99]

It would absolutely be wrong to marry someone just so you could use him to be your baby daddy. If this guy is a friend then treat him with the respect a friend deserves and don't use him. Just because maybe you don't care about love and attraction anymore doesn't mean he doesn't care about these things and I'm sure he wouldn't truly want to marry anyone who just sees him as a meal ticket.

[OWAmy]

It would absolutely be wrong to marry someone just so you could use him to be your baby daddy. If this guy is a friend then treat him with the respect a friend deserves and don't use him. Just because maybe you don't care about love and attraction anymore doesn't mean he doesn't care about these things and I'm sure he wouldn't truly want to marry anyone who just sees him as a meal ticket.

 

Why would it be wrong? I have had a child in an unconventional way. He doesn't have a father, so anybody that I had a relationship with would have to want to take on that role. That is non-negotiable.

[OWAmy]

OP, don't date someone if you don't find them attractive, IMO. I ran into this some when younger and ended up despising women who used me as a time filler but didn't find me attractive authentically.

 

As an OM I dated other women. Why? Because the MW's and I weren't exclusive. The mere fact that they were married obviated any sort of exclusive relationship, hence I was free to date other people as they were free to associate with their spouse. Equity.

 

No, I wouldn't use him as a time filler. I don't find him physically attractive - he's not unattractive. It's more so that he's submissive, that puts me off. I think I need someone who challenges me and don't let me get away having my own way all the time. He just waits there in the wings and I swear over the last 5 years I have done nothing to encourage him. Now I am starting to notice him.

 

I hear what you say about not being exclusive when you are the 'other'. The xMM was my time filler as I was coming out of a LTR when I met him. It should have been a brief exit affair, but it just kept going on on and....

[OWAmy]

I think the question isn't cut and dry. I wouldn't write your friend off- I believe that sometimes chemistry can grow with intimate moments and when looking at some great marriages there not based on great sex and passion but on caring for one another and shared interest. Why not date him and see!? I think that some people are more focused on romance and sex and some are more focused on security and care. I know everyone wants it all- but sometimes life isn't about a fairy tale.

 

Also Amy please stop viewing yourself as damaged- you sound like a wonderful person- please don't get down on yourself or you will be alone and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Thanks.

 

I have had LTR that started off with loads of passion that faded, but we still deeply loved one another. I am wondering if you can go straight to that and miss out the attraction phase? The only difficulty would be the intimacy aspect.

 

Oh yes fairy tales. Why did they ever have to write them! I'm very unconventional now, but that wasn't always the case. Once upon a time I did have dreams, but I'm more realistic now.

[OWAmy]

Save him the heartbreak for later the lack of attraction will show. You are either attracted or you aren't and rarely does that feeling change. He deserv someone who really is into him the whole way.

 

I have to disagree with you there. For me - yes it has to be instantaneous, but when I speak to other girls they tell me No, for them it takes a while to develop.

 

Out of my close circle of friends 3/5 have to feel that they are the best that he can get so they know he will put them on a pedestal. This also I cannot resonate with as I like to be an equal in a relationship and not have someone grovelling at my feet.

 

Well, he revealed his feelings to me quite some time ago which was a total shock. Seriously if you liked someone, why wait years to tell them!

[daisydook]

For me I feel that xMM was the grand finale in my long track record of dating emotionally unavailable men. The only affair I had but I feel it was inevitable that I would progress (regress is a more appropriate word) to a MM at some point.

 

It has been two months of absolute NC now and I do feel much happier. NC has been easy for me - I know a lot on here say they struggle, but it has been the opposite for me. He has been left behind.

 

My problem now is my future. I have a friend who I have known for several years and he absolutely thinks the world of me. I had a child on my own whilst I was with MM (by a sperm donor) and so now I am at a quandary. The life I could have with him would be one in which I had no financial worries and my child would be absolutely adored. Is that a good enough life?

 

The only thing is I just don't find him attractive - physically. I think a large part of this is because he is so keen and places me on a pedestal. If I was to get with him it would be like a marriage of convenience for me at best. But is that so wrong? I do respect and value him and see he has many good points.

 

My question really is, should I get in the real world and accept that you can't have it all? I am very conscious that I want what's best for my son and finding him a father is my no 1 priority.

 

Any thoughts welcome

 

Gold digger are the first two words that come to mind. Lol. So, no, do not do this. You chose to have a child and that's amazing. You can get married for convenience, but in turn you will end up destroying this man. Would he still feel this way about you if you told him "this is a marriage of convenience at best, simply because you can and will afford everything I want for me and my son. I simply need a daddy for him, because I made the choice to get pregnant via sperm donor." I dont care how you got pregnant, however you went into it ALONE, and made the choice to conceive ALONE. WHY NOW are you trying to find a daddy? I do not understand at all.

 

I dont really understand why you had a child alone, to THEN go and find him a father?!?!?! WTF. That's backwards. Sorry. I don't mean to judge. He DOESN'T HAVE A FATHER. YOU made it that way. Stop trying to fill a void, stop this gold digger bs and find love. It will be much more rewarding than marrying a man you find disgusting physically, just so you can have your life paid for. It is a great life for you, but as his friend, you need to act like a god damn friend and let him marry and spoil someone who actually does love him, and want him, IN ALL WAYS. You don't, so don't entertain this, please! As a friend to him, more than anything... don't do this.

 

My answer is find a new guy, and stop whatever nonsensical thoughts are going through your head immediately. Sweet Jesus. Lol. This one made my head shake.

[anika99]

Why would it be wrong? I have had a child in an unconventional way. He doesn't have a father, so anybody that I had a relationship with would have to want to take on that role. That is non-negotiable.

 

 

Because you don't love the guy and you aren't attracted to him! Men don't take on the role of father to step children because they are just dying to be someone's stepfather. They do it because they love the mother and they believe the mother loves them. So tell him that you don't love him, don't find him attractive and you are only interested in him for what he can provide your child. If he still wants to marry you after you have been completely honest with him about that, then go for it but you will likely leave him or cheat on him sometime in the future which will be worse for your child then not having a father right now.

 

 

Also I find it odd that you consciously decided to have a child without a father, but you think it's a top priority to have father for your child. Huh? When you decided to get pregnant did you not consider the fact that you were going to be a single parent? I'm not knocking your decision to have a child I just find it odd that some who considers having a father a top priority would want to have a child without a father.

[OWAmy]

Because you don't love the guy and you aren't attracted to him! Men don't take on the role of father to step children because they are just dying to be someone's stepfather. They do it because they love the mother and they believe the mother loves them. So tell him that you don't love him, don't find him attractive and you are only interested in him for what he can provide your child. If he still wants to marry you after you have been completely honest with him about that, then go for it but you will likely leave him or cheat on him sometime in the future which will be worse for your child then not having a father right now.

 

 

Also I find it odd that you consciously decided to have a child without a father, but you think it's a top priority to have father for your child. Huh? When you decided to get pregnant did you not consider the fact that you were going to be a single parent? I'm not knocking your decision to have a child I just find it odd that some who considers having a father a top priority would want to have a child without a father.

 

No he finds me even more attractive now that I have a child. Marriage and kids had passed him by (he's late forties).

 

The reason I had a child alone was because I had a fertility check at 34 which showed I had a very low ovarian reserve, so low that the clinic refused to freeze my eggs. It was now or never. I didn't want to meet someone and say oh yes I want a child and by the way, I need to have one now!! I know a few women who waited for Mr Right and he never came along. They say their greatest regret was not having children. I didn't want that.

 

Do you have any children?

[OWAmy]

Gold digger are the first two words that come to mind. Lol. So, no, do not do this. You chose to have a child and that's amazing. You can get married for convenience, but in turn you will end up destroying this man. Would he still feel this way about you if you told him "this is a marriage of convenience at best, simply because you can and will afford everything I want for me and my son. I simply need a daddy for him, because I made the choice to get pregnant via sperm donor." I dont care how you got pregnant, however you went into it ALONE, and made the choice to conceive ALONE. WHY NOW are you trying to find a daddy? I do not understand at all.

 

I dont really understand why you had a child alone, to THEN go and find him a father?!?!?! WTF. That's backwards. Sorry. I don't mean to judge. He DOESN'T HAVE A FATHER. YOU made it that way. Stop trying to fill a void, stop this gold digger bs and find love. It will be much more rewarding than marrying a man you find disgusting physically, just so you can have your life paid for. It is a great life for you, but as his friend, you need to act like a god damn friend and let him marry and spoil someone who actually does love him, and want him, IN ALL WAYS. You don't, so don't entertain this, please! As a friend to him, more than anything... don't do this.

 

My answer is find a new guy, and stop whatever nonsensical thoughts are going through your head immediately. Sweet Jesus. Lol. This one made my head shake.

 

The problem with people who 'assume' things is they often make an absolute ass of themselves.

 

Nowhere have I said that this friend is disgusting - I just find him unattractive physically. He's not unattractive. Others would find him attractive.

 

I wish I was a gold digger as I would jump straight in there. No questions asked, obviously! But I'm not. I'm self employed and have worked hard to have a comfortable life, one in which I have sufficient to bring a child into this world.

 

I should have said more about him. He has great qualities as a person. There is just no chemistry on my part. I am trying to determine at what point I throw away the need for chemistry and realise that it's likely I'm going to have to forgo that.

[DKT3]

Amy, I think the issue here is your still emotionally tangled up in the fantasy of the MM. This may be causing you to compare the friend to the MM who you say you are still deeply in love with.

 

I actually think you fear getting involved with the friend because on some level your holding out hope for the MM. Yet its only been a few months and your simply not ready. Question is how would you feel if the friend got involved and he was no longer an option?

 

Women are funny, they seek physical attraction and this chemical connection, then when they find it they wake up in five years wondering who this azzhole sleeping next to them is. All the while rebuffing the guys that offer them what they truly want and need in life. Attraction for women in the long run is the way the guy makes them feel and not how he looks or the fact that he doesn't fit the bill of the "ideal" man.

 

Take some time, see where it goes with the friend you don't have to marry him Friday or anything.

 

Just don't lead him on, be honest.

[OWAmy]

Amy, I think the issue here is your still emotionally tangled up in the fantasy of the MM. This may be causing you to compare the friend to the MM who you say you are still deeply in love with.

 

I actually think you fear getting involved with the friend because on some level your holding out hope for the MM. Yet its only been a few months and your simply not ready. Question is how would you feel if the friend got involved and he was no longer an option?

 

Women are funny, they seek physical attraction and this chemical connection, then when they find it they wake up in five years wondering who this azzhole sleeping next to them is. All the while rebuffing the guys that offer them what they truly want and need in life. Attraction for women in the long run is the way the guy makes them feel and not how he looks or the fact that he doesn't fit the bill of the "ideal" man.

 

Take some time, see where it goes with the friend you don't have to marry him Friday or anything.

 

Just don't lead him on, be honest.

 

OMG NO!!! I am definitely not in love with the xMM I have never said that anywhere on LoveSHack!!! I set the ball rolling where NC was concerned. Out of the affair, I realised that I was not in love with him, just the idea of him. NC has been really good for me.

[gettingstronger]

Seems like a bad idea to me. You have had boundary issues in the past by dating a married man. What would prevent you from stepping outside your marriage if you married someone you were not physically attracted to? You decided to have a child alone without a father. That was your choice and I won't begrudge you that, lots of people do that. What I do think is wrong is to involve your friend in this now that you may be second guessing that choice.

[OWAmy]

Question is how would you feel if the friend got involved and he was no longer an option?

 

Women are funny, they seek physical attraction and this chemical connection, then when they find it they wake up in five years wondering who this azzhole sleeping next to them is. All the while rebuffing the guys that offer them what they truly want and need in life. Attraction for women in the long run is the way the guy makes them feel and not how he looks or the fact that he doesn't fit the bill of the "ideal" man.

 

Take some time, see where it goes with the friend you don't have to marry him Friday or anything.

 

Just don't lead him on, be honest.

 

THANK YOU.

 

If he became involved with someone else I would be upset. I would feel that I had placed too much emphasis on the lack of chemistry.

 

It is deeply ingrained in me to seek chemistry. I feel that is an issue for me. That is why I am seeking input on here be it good or bad. It all makes me think. Believe it or not, I'm really romantic but now feel that quality hasn't really got me anywhere in the love stakes.

 

This guy would be good for me, we get along well, share the same views, he's liberal, family orientated.

[anika99]

No he finds me even more attractive now that I have a child. Marriage and kids had passed him by (he's late forties).

 

The reason I had a child alone was because I had a fertility check at 34 which showed I had a very low ovarian reserve, so low that the clinic refused to freeze my eggs. It was now or never. I didn't want to meet someone and say oh yes I want a child and by the way, I need to have one now!! I know a few women who waited for Mr Right and he never came along. They say their greatest regret was not having children. I didn't want that.

 

Do you have any children?

 

Yes I have children but they are grown and gone now. I raised them as a single parent for the most part but I did live with someone for about 7 yrs when they were young. The guy was good to my kids and I wouldn't have been with him if he wasn't but I also wouldn't have been with him if I didn't love him and find him attractive which I did.

 

 

Again, be honest with the guy. Let him know that you don't love him or feel physically attracted him but you want him for what he can give your son. If he still wants you that's great but to let him believe anything else would be dead wrong.

[OWAmy]

Seems like a bad idea to me. You have had boundary issues in the past by dating a married man. What would prevent you from stepping outside your marriage if you married someone you were not physically attracted to? You decided to have a child alone without a father. That was your choice and I won't begrudge you that, lots of people do that. What I do think is wrong is to involve your friend in this now that you may be second guessing that choice.

 

I am NOT second guessing my choice to have a child alone.

 

Seriously, a woman who has a child alone doesn't have to envisage life as a spinster does she?

[OWAmy]

Yes I have children but they are grown and gone now. I raised them as a single parent for the most part but I did live with someone for about 7 yrs when they were young. The guy was good to my kids and I wouldn't have been with him if he wasn't but I also wouldn't have been with him if I didn't love him and find him attractive which I did.

 

 

Again, be honest with the guy. Let him know that you don't love him or feel physically attracted him but you want him for what he can give your son. If he still wants you that's great but to let him believe anything else would be dead wrong.

 

That must have been hard raising them alone. Solo motherhood is different from single parenting. To have a child on your own to begin goes against everything we are taught.

 

There seems to be two different schools of thought: those who value the chemistry and those who don't put much emphasis on it. I wish I didn't feel the urge for chemistry.

[Baby123]

Amy wasn't saying the primary reason for her next relationship is because she desperately wants a step father for her kid- she just said that it was a plus point about the friend.

 

 

I think you should just date him and see where it goes- tell him from the beginning it might not work out but you'd like to see.

 

 

I used to be incredibly superficial and judge a guy on looks and the 'wow factor.' But with my MM (who is now divorced and i'm in an out in the open relationship with) I didn't find him ridiculously stunning when I met him- I thought he was good looking (a little short) and I loved his personality- but everytime I see him now I think he is the most gorgeous man on the planet.

[gettingstronger]

No one said you have to be a spinster, be what you want to be as long as you're honest about it.

[anika99]

Amy wasn't saying the primary reason for her next relationship is because she desperately wants a step father for her kid- she just said that it was a plus point about the friend.

 

 

I think you should just date him and see where it goes- tell him from the beginning it might not work out but you'd like to see.

 

 

I used to be incredibly superficial and judge a guy on looks and the 'wow factor.' But with my MM (who is now divorced and i'm in an out in the open relationship with) I didn't find him ridiculously stunning when I met him- I thought he was good looking (a little short) and I loved his personality- but everytime I see him now I think he is the most gorgeous man on the planet.

 

Actually she did say that finding a father for her child was her number one priority and that seemed to be the only plus point for her friend.

 

 

I see nothing wrong with dating the guy to see if the feelings and attraction develop. If they do great, but if not you need to cut him loose so he can find someone who is in love with him.

[Holding-On]

There is a great UK website: baggage reclaim. The woman there was able to get out of emotionally unavailable relationships and towards marriage, kids, fulfilment.

You might want to check it out.

Also treat him as a friend. I think you can be honest without being brutal.

"I'm having trouble with your lack of boundaries with me...(give an example).... I like you but I need someone who pushes back and can be my true equal or even boss otherwise I tend to check out attraction wise. "

If you do date him, I'd recommend going very very slowly while you work on making yourself emotionally available (in IC if you can) and not initiate anything physical until you FEEL it and if you don't feel any attraction after half a year, be a true friend and let him go.

[still_an_Angel]

Doesn't sound like a match for you. Being submissive is his personality, if you find that an unattractive trait, this will be an issue if you do end up in a relationship. He might be attracted to you because you take control and he values that in you. There seems to be a balance here (in the way your personalities can work out) but as you want someone who will "push back", then you will need to determine if this is something that you can work out with a person who is passive.