Any fOW think they're now undateable?

[KaliLove]

For me I feel that xMM was the grand finale in my long track record of dating emotionally unavailable men. The only affair I had but I feel it was inevitable that I would progress (regress is a more appropriate word) to a MM at some point.

 

It has been two months of absolute NC now and I do feel much happier. NC has been easy for me - I know a lot on here say they struggle, but it has been the opposite for me. He has been left behind.

 

My problem now is my future. I have a friend who I have known for several years and he absolutely thinks the world of me. I had a child on my own whilst I was with MM (by a sperm donor) and so now I am at a quandary. The life I could have with him would be one in which I had no financial worries and my child would be absolutely adored. Is that a good enough life?

 

The only thing is I just don't find him attractive - physically. I think a large part of this is because he is so keen and places me on a pedestal. If I was to get with him it would be like a marriage of convenience for me at best. But is that so wrong? I do respect and value him and see he has many good points.

 

My question really is, should I get in the real world and accept that you can't have it all? I am very conscious that I want what's best for my son and finding him a father is my no 1 priority.

 

Any thoughts welcome

 

Why don't you tell this guy how you feel and see if he wants to be with you knowing how you feel about him? That seems like the only fair thing to do.

[Got it]

I would recommend that regardless of dating your friend or not you need to figure out WHY you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I would recommend therapy to figure that piece out and will put you in a much healthy emotional state for ANY relationship.

 

I do think that physical attraction can grow, other pieces can make up for it, or it is a deal breaker. It is going to vary. BUT he is a friend, treat him as such and pay him the respect of being honest however you decide to proceed.

 

What you don't want is to find your self married, to a man that you are not attracted to at all, who is resentful in sum/towards your child, etc.

 

Your friend isn't the only fish in the sea but you may need to change how you approaching dating, your own issues tied to the attraction in unemotional men, etc to change your dating success.

 

Work on you being healthy and happy and whatever works out will be fantastic.

[carhill]

No, I wouldn't use him as a time filler. I don't find him physically attractive - he's not unattractive. It's more so that he's submissive, that puts me off.

 

Yes, OP, that's what I was talking about. It was common for MW's to use me as a time filler because they didn't find me physically attractive but I filled needs which their H didn't. In some cases they were getting their physical needs met by another man whom they did find physically attractive.

 

The thrust of my posting was, if you don't find the man to be overall attractive, both physically and emotionally/mentally, be clear about that and treat him in a respectful and honest way. Otherwise, he's being used. Of course, people use other people all the time so perhaps my idealism in this regard is not supported by the facts. However, I tend to prefer to treat people the way I like to be treated. YMMV. If this dichotomy is not an issue for you, meaning you don't mind a man using you to get certain needs filled even if he doesn't find you attractive, then IMO that's fair play.

 

When I was an active and fOM, and dated other women, it was because of their total attractiveness that I asked them out on dates and dated them, depending on response. I never had the luxury of choosing amongst women who were pursuing me, as that never happened, so I didn't face the exact conflict you're facing. Would I have used a woman who liked me as a time filler if she pursued me and I wasn't authentically and totally attracted? Unknown. Life experience has taught me to never discount anything. So far, though, through a number of relationships and being married, it hasn't happened yet.

 

Going back to the 'undateable' part, and honestly reflecting on some of the unfinished business as a fOM, I would opine that remnants of unresolved emotional attachment did haunt me for years. Such aspects affect each of us differently. A long (multi-year) A without clear closure took its toll and I'm confident it affected my dating experiences and health for a LTR. It took 5-6 years before things worked out well enough to have a successful LTR. Comparatively, having gone through MC and 'finishing' business, of late, I found the feelings to be markedly different and remarkably peaceful. Even if I try to get worked up about any particular person, exW, past MW's, etc, there's simply nothing there. I don't know whether or not you can identify with that dynamic but offer it as one observation as someone who struggled in that area in the past.

 

I wish you well in your future pursuits. Life's a process and we only get one shot.

[OWAmy]

There is a great UK website: baggage reclaim. The woman there was able to get out of emotionally unavailable relationships and towards marriage, kids, fulfilment.

You might want to check it out.

Also treat him as a friend. I think you can be honest without being brutal.

"I'm having trouble with your lack of boundaries with me...(give an example).... I like you but I need someone who pushes back and can be my true equal or even boss otherwise I tend to check out attraction wise. "

If you do date him, I'd recommend going very very slowly while you work on making yourself emotionally available (in IC if you can) and not initiate anything physical until you FEEL it and if you don't feel any attraction after half a year, be a true friend and let him go.

 

Oh yes I visit Baggage Reclaim often and have read one of her book's. I think it was through reading her site and a couple of other books I read that I saw there was a pattern running through my relationship history.

 

I had intensive psychotherapy at the end of last year and for the first few months of this year. I found it helpful. I am a big advocate of therapy despite it been relatively uncommon in the UK (or few people talk about it!)

 

The therapist was really good, the perfect match for me as she had previously been a social worker and also had a daughter who was a solo mum.

 

I know exactly where my emotional unavailability comes from - my dad and he got his from his mum, a really dominant woman who had a lot of power within the family. the last year since my dad was diagnosed with a serious illness my parents have lived with me. Slowly and with the addition of a grandson my dad is in effect re-writing history by being the total opposite with my son. Mine and his relationship has improved as a result.

 

I started working on myself whilst I was actually still in the affair.

[Got it]

Great! Keep working on it. You aren't in an either/or situation where he is your only option.

[herself]

Would the friend be willing to cohabitate and coparent but not marry?

Can you tell him you see him as more of a best friend than partner?

Because if someone comes a long to sweep you off your feet your then married.

Your gonna have to deliver the tough straight truth. You do love him...but not romantically.

Would he still maybe be the father figure in more of a best friend role?

I would ask him just that. Be cruel to be kind.

[Pinklotus]

OMG NO!!! I am definitely not in love with the xMM I have never said that anywhere on LoveSHack!!! I set the ball rolling where NC was concerned. Out of the affair, I realised that I was not in love with him, just the idea of him. NC has been really good for me.

 

Maybe you weren't in love with him, but you were "entangled " as you say, and obviously deeply involved, and it went on for awhile....you were hooked. And now you want something different, which is great. I think you should go slow with your friend. Dating is not a lifetime commitment. Maybe after getting to know him, you would feel differently. Maybe that chemistry that you refer to is an unhealthy attraction to men who really aren't good for you.

 

Read on Aphrodite Astrology once that the best relationships seem to follow from persistent men and choosy women. Don't know for sure if it's true, but that is a really great website for women seeking to form healthy relationships!

[Lord of the Flies]

I believe that anyone can have it all if they want it all. I don't feel that you are damaged at all and you seem like you are a great person. I believe there is always someone out there for somebody that is right for them.

 

I believe it is all in how you view yourself, mainly your mindset. If you think that you are damaged then eventually that will carry out in your daily life and you will continue to end up with men that aren't right for you. I just recently got out of an affair and I use to think that I would be good to no one and that I am meant to be alone. Then I realized it's not true at all because we all deserve to be happy with someone that is right for us. It's all about changing your mindset and how you see yourself first. Just remind yourself that you are great, that you deserve the best and you will get the best.

 

I know it's cliché but it's very true, to have a positive mindset about yourself and you will attract the right men in your life that will be a great partner to you. You just have to be willing to do that and put yourself out there without any fear and a positive attitude.

[bathtub-row]

Surely you thought about all this when you went to a sperm bank to get pregnant, right? If it wasn't a big deal then, why is it a big deal now? I say be with someone when it feels right. Trying to find someone out of a quiet form of desperation will just backfire on you.

 

I don't really see what this has to do with being an FOW either. You're done with that and have moved on. You'll be fine.

[Poppy47]

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You sound as though you have yourself pretty much together.

Perhaps the affair has lowered your self esteem a little?

 

You would be doing yourself a disservice if you settled for a man who did not physically attract you. Forever is a long time to sleep with a husband with no appeal.

 

YOu don't need a husband to raise your child. Thousands of women all over the world are doing it successfully.

 

Relax and wait a bit...Don't rush into a loveless marriage for no good reason. You are doing well all by yourself.

 

Be honest with you friend. Keep him as a treasured friend.

Poppy

[MissTakes]

OP, I feel like I went down a very similar route to you. Leading up to my A, I also had only had relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and during/after the A, I came to realize that for whatever reason, that was actually a trait that I had found attractive in them. Talk about screwed up!

 

And yes, that did - and sometimes still does - make me feel like I'm undateable. I've grown up a lot, though, and going to therapy has helped me learn a lot about myself. Just being able to recognize that emotionally unavailable men held a certain attraction for me was a huge turning point for me. I've come to the conclusion in the last few months that the single most attractive trait in a man is that he also wants to be with me. If you start concentrating every single day on that, it might really be able to help you move forward.

 

Now, I'm not saying that taking on that attitude will mean that you're suddenly attracted to your friend. It's possible, but it's just as likely - if not more so - that it's just not there between you and him. And if that's the case, I don't think that it's worth a relationship with him. The thing about us, I suspect, is that we are well aware of our capacity for happiness. If a relationship we're in doesn't satisfy that capacity, we're always going to be keeping an eye out for a situation - whether it's with another person or just being on our own - that allows us to fulfill it. It sounds like you really do care about this friend, so for his sake, I'd say stay away. Think about it this way: you're as emotionally unavailable to him as men you've been attracted to in the past have been to you. And how well did those relationships end?

 

Best of luck. You sound like a great person who is really making an effort to turn around her life and decision-making process, especially as it comes to relationships. Just because you're doing that, though, doesn't mean that you should settle for less than you deserve!

 

There's a great quote from a early 90's movie that incapsulates what I think we deserve: "Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."

 

Of course, that "mad, passionate, extraordinary" shouldn't be confused for "tied up in knots and anxiety," which I think is the trap that many of us fall into. It should be mad and passionate because you both know that it's right.