Friend Dating ex-Fling - Do I tell her?

[pashmina]

Hi guys,

 

Long time lurker, first time poster . I'm just looking for some help/advice, because I'm in a pretty weird (well, weird to me!) situation here, and I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel like i'm 17 again. I'm 26, so I feel like I should be beyond this kind of situation! Yet here we are. I'm not sure which forum to post this in, but I think it kind of fits under both friends and lovers, in a way.

 

Anyway, I started work at a new organisation earlier this year. I met this very good-looking guy (also 26). We got along really well, had similar interests, same and sense of humour. Over a period of a couple of months, we flirted, then emailed, and texted. As these things go, he invited me over to his place one night, and despite me knowing deep down it was a bad, bad idea to hook up with a coworker (even though I did like him), I did. We ended up having a fun time (or so I thought), drinking, watching movies, and yes, making out. No sex though, at least.

 

Despite me stupidly thinking we had some connection and would maybe progress into something, he clearly didn't want anything further. After that night, he lost all interest. No more texting or emailing. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me, yet still found a way to be outright rude to me at work, making snide comments, interrupting me, not helping out when things would get busy.

 

I tried to smooth things over by suggesting we meet up some time to sort things out so we could maintain some professionalism at work and his response was "sort what out?" Well, fine then buddy. Though maybe my attempt at "reconciliation" made him realise this behaviour as at least now he isn't as outwardly rude, and we now have a civil but cold communication.

 

My ego was definitely hurt, and admittedly, still is, despite it probably being a blessing in disguise as dating someone from work could get very, very messy. Even just hooking up with someone was messy. Lesson well and truly learnt.

 

Yet my stupid decision is still haunting me. Only a few weeks later, an other co-worker confides that she has a crush on this same guy. She is 18, cute, skinny but very naive and innocent. I don't think she's had a serious boyfriend before. She and this guy have also started texting. Recently, she has also been over to his house to "watch movies." Difference is this time, he seems to want to continue to see her, or at least, that's the story she tells me. She also tells me "what a gentleman he is" and how she "never felt this way before about anyone, how he makes me smile" yadda yadda yadda.

 

So I don't know what to do. Do I tell her we have hooked up before? If I say anything, I'll just come across as jealous and petty and be the one to burst her bubble. If I don't say anything, I'll feel horrible if I didn't warn her and he ended up being a jackass to her as well. If I don't say anything and she finds out through workplace gossip, that would be awkward too. She works in a different department, so is less likely to hear about this gossip, but still.

 

And yes, I admit to feeling jealous about the whole situation. Dealing with rejection is hard, especially when you have to see that person every day. Now I feel rejected all over again to learn he is hooking up with a teenager from the same work place. Even more so now, I am kicking myself for thinking this guy and myself had "something" Stupid, stupid me. I feel a bit sick at the thought of those two together. She is 18 for Christs sakes. What could an 18 year old possibly offer him? (rhetorical question, answer is, plenty ) It sounds like he seems to like her more than he did me. I know I shouldn't care, its not like we even freaking dated, but it still stings.

 

I should also mention in addition to her being quite young, her mother also happens to work at the same organisation, just to complicate things for him. Sucked in, arsehole.

 

So thats the whole story. I just really needed to vent about the whole embarrassing thing.

 

tl;dr version - do I tell my work buddy that the guy she has feelings for and is just starting to date that I have previously hooked up with him and was/is an arsehole?

Edited August 25, 2014 by pashmina
grammar

[preraph]

At her age, she's not going to want to hear it. You can't convince anyone that age that her feelings aren't going to magically manifest a prince. Plus all you did was make out. Now, not sure how far that went. Maybe it was everything but, in which case I call that sex. But anyway, you call it just making out and he's not interested and now you aren't either so I see no reason to say anything at all. Now, if for some reason he starts trashing you to her, which I kind of doubt, and she says anything to you about it, that opens the door.

[eleve82]

Hi guys,

 

Long time lurker, first time poster . I'm just looking for some help/advice, because I'm in a pretty weird (well, weird to me!) situation here, and I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel like i'm 17 again. I'm 26, so I feel like I should be beyond this kind of situation! Yet here we are. I'm not sure which forum to post this in, but I think it kind of fits under both friends and lovers, in a way.

 

Anyway, I started work at a new organisation earlier this year. I met this very good-looking guy (also 26). We got along really well, had similar interests, same and sense of humour. Over a period of a couple of months, we flirted, then emailed, and texted. As these things go, he invited me over to his place one night, and despite me knowing deep down it was a bad, bad idea to hook up with a coworker (even though I did like him), I did. We ended up having a fun time (or so I thought), drinking, watching movies, and yes, making out. No sex though, at least.

 

Despite me stupidly thinking we had some connection and would maybe progress into something, he clearly didn't want anything further. After that night, he lost all interest. No more texting or emailing. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me, yet still found a way to be outright rude to me at work, making snide comments, interrupting me, not helping out when things would get busy.

 

I tried to smooth things over by suggesting we meet up some time to sort things out so we could maintain some professionalism at work and his response was "sort what out?" Well, fine then buddy. Though maybe my attempt at "reconciliation" made him realise this behaviour as at least now he isn't as outwardly rude, and we now have a civil but cold communication.

 

My ego was definitely hurt, and admittedly, still is, despite it probably being a blessing in disguise as dating someone from work could get very, very messy. Even just hooking up with someone was messy. Lesson well and truly learnt.

 

Yet my stupid decision is still haunting me. Only a few weeks later, an other co-worker confides that she has a crush on this same guy. She is 18, cute, skinny but very naive and innocent. I don't think she's had a serious boyfriend before. She and this guy have also started texting. Recently, she has also been over to his house to "watch movies." Difference is this time, he seems to want to continue to see her, or at least, that's the story she tells me. She also tells me "what a gentleman he is" and how she "never felt this way before about anyone, how he makes me smile" yadda yadda yadda.

 

So I don't know what to do. Do I tell her we have hooked up before? If I say anything, I'll just come across as jealous and petty and be the one to burst her bubble. If I don't say anything, I'll feel horrible if I didn't warn her and he ended up being a jackass to her as well. If I don't say anything and she finds out through workplace gossip, that would be awkward too. She works in a different department, so is less likely to hear about this gossip, but still.

 

And yes, I admit to feeling jealous about the whole situation. Dealing with rejection is hard, especially when you have to see that person every day. Now I feel rejected all over again to learn he is hooking up with a teenager from the same work place. Even more so now, I am kicking myself for thinking this guy and myself had "something" Stupid, stupid me. I feel a bit sick at the thought of those two together. She is 18 for Christs sakes. What could an 18 year old possibly offer him? (rhetorical question, answer is, plenty ) It sounds like he seems to like her more than he did me. I know I shouldn't care, its not like we even freaking dated, but it still stings.

 

I should also mention in addition to her being quite young, her mother also happens to work at the same organisation, just to complicate things for him. Sucked in, arsehole.

 

So thats the whole story. I just really needed to vent about the whole embarrassing thing.

 

tl;dr version - do I tell my work buddy that the guy she has feelings for and is just starting to date that I have previously hooked up with him and was/is an arsehole?

 

Honestly it disgusts me when I hear stories like this. Of course you feel the way you do - its only natural. Whether or not you tell this girl what happened, you have seen this guy's unsavory true nature.. and its an ugly one. What a tragic waste for a handsome guy. But seek comfort in knowing you are seeing this creature for what he's worth.

[pashmina]

Honestly it disgusts me when I hear stories like this. Of course you feel the way you do - its only natural. Whether or not you tell this girl what happened, you have seen this guy's unsavory true nature.. and its an ugly one. What a tragic waste for a handsome guy. But seek comfort in knowing you are seeing this creature for what he's worth.

 

What disgusts you, exactly? *confused* You are right though, it is a tragic waste this guy is such a jerk. But better I know now, rather than having a ten year relationship with him only to have him then dump me for a teenager

[pashmina]

At her age, she's not going to want to hear it. You can't convince anyone that age that her feelings aren't going to magically manifest a prince. Plus all you did was make out. Now, not sure how far that went. Maybe it was everything but, in which case I call that sex. But anyway, you call it just making out and he's not interested and now you aren't either so I see no reason to say anything at all. Now, if for some reason he starts trashing you to her, which I kind of doubt, and she says anything to you about it, that opens the door.

 

Hmmm, ok good point. I won't say anything then.

 

All we did was make out, as hard as it is to believe, haha! I know, I know, the situation itself was a massive booty call. But I am so relieved we didn't have sex. I think it would have made things even more awkward had we done the deed, so to speak.

 

You are right, nothing can convince her this guy is anything but amazing. She is impressed by anything he does. He is very charismatic though, the bastard, haha.

 

Your signature actually describes this guy quite well! I think he is a massive player, capable of making you feel so amazing when he sets his sights on you.