Can death change an abuser

[good2know]

When dealing with abusive people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and/or second chances is basically a death sentence.

 

If you read the statistics, about 0% of them ever change. They are born manipulators and being understanding or forgiving toward them is what gets women in trouble, and is what keeps them stuck in these twisted relationships.

 

Every woman alive should have a zero tolerance for abuse. These guys don't deserve second chances.

 

Agreed 100%. Life is too short. They very rarely change. They just become better manipulators and role players (the victim - nothing is ever their fault). Move on!

[good2know]

I believe even the most degenerate human being CAN change. That's the optimistic side. The pessimistic side is that is rarely happens

 

and takes a complete breaking of the person's pride--

 

which is the one thing most terrible people refuse to do. But, yes, otherwise they could be changed.

 

That happens alot in the Hollywood movies, but not so much in real life, when it comes to abusers.

 

They are permanently broken in most cases, they just learn to hide things better as they get older.

 

Once you are fully entrenched (trapped) in a situation with them, they show their true colors again. And more time has been wasted with them once again.....

[new2014]

He apparently doesn't seem to have turned to another woman. Instead he turned to my family. He is very much in contact with my brother in law and they even make arrangements to take children out together. He is now involving his sister's(the one who is now deceased) child and go out with the kids as a crew. Apparently brother in law is pulling his sister's daughter as well (Something that he has never done before). I also don't like my brother in law's behavior. He knew everything that was going on and seems to give him a pat in the back and even be part of the game. Before he got married to my sister he was was dating other women as well as befriending her ex husband, going together clubbing. Recently they did split and he played around a lot with my ex. My sister got him back as she is a christian and believes in forgiveness. He is also emotional unstable.

 

I am sad. I have been thinking about moving close to my family but feel trapped now.

Edited October 17, 2014 by new2014

[Zahara]

Why is your family prioritizing their relationship with him over the wellbeing and emotional stability of you and your child?

 

Have you talked to them about how you feel and the boundaries you believe that should be implemented in order for you to be able to transition through your ending with him?

[new2014]

It hurts. I am not sure why they are doing this. Possibly denial and they would like me and him to reconcile. I spoke to my other brother in law as he was asking where we are. After pouring my heart out explaining what I had gone through and requesting him not to get in touch with my ex reverting information.. he did get in touch with him doing exactly the opposite.

 

They are Christians and they tell me all marriages have problems.

The other thing is my daughter is very happy with these arrangements and my family see what he does positively.

 

As for my other brother in law he is a jerk and emotionally unstable well. He will be doing this for his own gratification. He likes having fun and sees my ex sadly as a best friend than an uncle. I recall how they used to go clubbing together whilst we stayed home with children.

 

I can set my boundaries with him, however I feel asking my family to do the same to him will be controlling of me.

 

Right now even though I am sad, I am also thinking of numbing myself from it and move on with my life, as long as he is out of my sight.

Edited October 17, 2014 by new2014

[bathtub-row]

Ok, here's the deal, you know what your ex is doing. He's trying to force your hand by circling your family and making you feel even more isolated. This is very sad and it's very unfortunate that your family has done this to you. I'm really sorry about that.

 

I think it's great that you see very well what your ex is up to and that you're disappointed in your family for behaving this way. I do think, however, that there's a perspective here that you may not be able to see because of the 'forest for the trees' syndrome. Meaning, you may be too emotionally close to this situation to see things as they will be in the long-term.

 

Here's what I'd do if I were you. First of all, I think it's obvious that, how ever your ex has managed to do it, he has convinced your family that he's a good guy. We know that's not even close to the truth so there's no discussion there. But, the truth is, it's just a matter of time before they see what he's really made of, and I think that's the part you're not able to see yet.

 

Once he realizes his game isn't working, his true colors will come through and your family will get the lesson of their lives. Once you stop talking to your family about your ex and all that entails that situation, your ex will get pissed off because his paranoia will get the better of him. He'll start accusing them of withholding information from him, being on your side, etc. I often say that you don't have to do anything to make these people go nuts because they create enough drama in their own heads. So, really, his own worst fears will do all the work for you. lol.

 

If I were you, I would completely shut out the world and its judgements. Stop worrying about what your family thinks, what your ex is doing and saying to them, etc. If you want to move close to your family, still plan to do that at some point. All this drama from your ex will go away and it'll go away faster if you remain calm and quiet.

 

What I mean about shutting out the world is go through your day-to-day functions of what's important and let everything else go straight to hell. I did this right after I left my abusive ex. He had screwed up my head and emotions so much that I could barely deal with life. So, instead of letting myself go mad or become bitter and angry, I told myself that for the next several mos (however long it took), I wouldn't do one single thing that I didn't feel like doing unless it involved taking care of my son, going to work, and paying bills. These were the key things that kept my life in balance and I knew that screwing those things up would bring me to the point of no return, or make my life worse. But, very little else mattered. So, I went to work and paid bills and took care of my little boy. After that, I did whatever I felt like doing, even if that only meant sitting in a chair and staring at the computer or tv. I took all outside pressures off of myself. I didn't even talk to my friends unless I felt like it. And the biggest key was that any time thoughts about my ex, the relationship, the hurt, pain, whatever, popped into my head, I would quickly change the thought to anything that didn't have to do with him.

 

When I look back at that time in my life, I realize now how healing it was. I did that for about 6 mos and came out a whole person again. How this applies to you is that I think you should stop justifying your choices to other people. If they don't automatically support you without a lot of explanation, then these are not people who really have your best interests at heart. The problem with some people with the 'Christian' attitude is that they will often choose judgement and their beliefs over family. They do this blindly and just know that someday they will wake up again. In the meantime, try to remain strong. Strength does not plead or beg or over-explain. This is the point where you're going to need to gather your strength and be all you can be to your daughter and to the other important parts of your life. Recognize what's really important right now, the things that matter far down the road -- which are your daughter's upbringing, your financial life, etc., and toss out all the rest for awhile.

 

I'm glad you've gotten past this delusion that your ex would change because of someone close to him dying. These people don't change. Please do not ever let him convince you otherwise. Abusers tend to calm down emotionally once they're alone but that's only because they have no one to beat up. Get them back in a relationship, and it's all bets off again.

 

I hope you'll keep us posted as to how you're doing. But, if I were you, I'd stop talking and thinking about your ex. Deal with him when you have to and ignore everything else.

Edited October 18, 2014 by bathtub-row