Contacting OM's Wife

[jm2013]

It's been a year later and this is still eating away at me. I am almost certain my wife's AP has this hidden still from his wife. When things unfolded he laid out a plan to cover his tracks. He gave me a bogus number for his wife and has monitored her Facebook and Email. He even went out of his way to register a new email in his wife's maiden name to tell me to stop trying to contact her and it's a decision only she can make.

 

I wasn't trying to force her decision. I was going to let her know how scummy her husband has been to her. I think she has every right to know. I would like to welcome any advice on what plan I should take to make sure she certainly knows her husband is a cheating scrub. From what my wife has told me he has no desire to be with this woman. And once he finds and secures his exit woman in another affair she'll be history. It's not fair to her. And if it was really her who responded back to me in an email (which I don't think so) wouldn't she be more curious about to what I know about the affair? And try to cross reference to what he told her? Things did not add up. I feel sorry for this woman who to this day is probably getting betrayed behind her back over and over again and living the big lie she doesn't even know about yet.

[SoleMate]

When the cheating H is working that hard to keep his BW in the dark, especially in strangling off every effort to reach her with facts, I find it - for me - tips the scales over onto the "Tell if you can" side. But you need a more effective way. Once again, for reasons I can barely explain, my thoughts turn to lawyers. But hear me out. They're very good at getting the message through, and also writing letters that will get read. They can also serve as advisers, so you don't do anything that might be seen as, say, harassing or sleazy. They serve as 3rd party filters, principled allies, and also a strong statement - to yourself and others - of your seriousness and above-board motivations. It also is a good way to shield sensitive feelings (BW's and yours) from direct contact with other aggrieved and hurting people.

 

So here's the idea: Find a good family lawyer and discuss the pros and cons of using exposure to protect your family and also to inform the BW for her own good. If you decide to go ahead, let the lawyer figure out how to get the facts around the anti-truth firewall known as her husband. And please do report back.

[jm2013]

When the cheating H is working that hard to keep his BW in the dark, especially in strangling off every effort to reach her with facts, I find it - for me - tips the scales over onto the "Tell if you can" side. But you need a more effective way. Once again, for reasons I can barely explain, my thoughts turn to lawyers. But hear me out. They're very good at getting the message through, and also writing letters that will get read. They can also serve as advisers, so you don't do anything that might be seen as, say, harassing or sleazy. They serve as 3rd party filters, principled allies, and also a strong statement - to yourself and others - of your seriousness and above-board motivations. It also is a good way to shield sensitive feelings (BW's and yours) from direct contact with other aggrieved and hurting people.

 

So here's the idea: Find a good family lawyer and discuss the pros and cons of using exposure to protect your family and also to inform the BW for her own good. If you decide to go ahead, let the lawyer figure out how to get the facts around the anti-truth firewall known as her husband. And please do report back.

 

Thank you for this. I really did not think to get a lawyer to do this. But again, if sending a letter, I wonder if he'll be opening her mail. I just wish I could get her on the phone or what not. When I found out initially I was going to drop by his house and rip him out of his front door but then thought about it long and hard. I have kids and going to jail over this didn't seem like a wise option. And IF he saw me at his house I'm sure he'd immediately call the police.

 

I have cycled so many things. Even paying somebody to hand deliver mail. I don't know. She's a stay at home mom so there's got to be somebody I could pay to hand deliver. I will take your advice and explorer the lawyer option. I think about this a lot and it still sickens me. I told that guy I'm exposing him to his wife a long time ago. I'm sure by now he probably has his guard kind of let down.

 

He may have had his wife's # changes by then. I would assume they are still in the same house. Also, I wonder if he made her change emails. He blocked me from her account on Facebook. He may have also setup a filter for my name and email on her account. And he might have even setup filters for any keywords like "affair" etc to be auto deleted. This guy is total scum.

[gettingstronger]

You only know your wife's version of their marriage so you can't assume he's leaving his wife. I am all for disclosure but without proof the email you sent was not to her, you should leave it alone. You were asked to do so and without proof to the contrary, you should honor that.

[GorillaTheater]

"Cheaterville" may be an option.

[Georgia2014]

You only know your wife's version of their marriage so you can't assume he's leaving his wife. I am all for disclosure but without proof the email you sent was not to her, you should leave it alone. You were asked to do so and without proof to the contrary, you should honor that.

 

I don't think he should leave it alone. The BW does deserve to know. I think he is doing the right thing to try and contact her.

[jm2013]

You only know your wife's version of their marriage so you can't assume he's leaving his wife. I am all for disclosure but without proof the email you sent was not to her, you should leave it alone. You were asked to do so and without proof to the contrary, you should honor that.

 

I don't really care who's going to leave who. The only thing I care about is exposing him to his wife. I want his world to crumble around him so he too can feel what that is like. His wife should also know the lie she's been living in. I was close to digitally exposing this guy. I am an online marketer and have the means to reach people online. Oh how much I'd love to rank his name to a cheater profile with a nice big picture that exposes him to all who search him. Including the very people who sign his paychecks. I'm sure they'd love to know what their dollars pay for in their workplace.

[BetrayedH]

I called the OMW toward the end of her workday and asked her to meet with me. We didn't know each other but she knew my wife and my wife had been to her house (OM was my wife's boss). I didn't want to tell her why over the phone but had to. She then left work and we met at a local fast food place to discuss in person. I brought a folder full of proof with me. We talked for a good hour or so.

 

It wasn't fun but with all of the lying, denying, minimizing, and gaslighting that takes place, I knew that a face-to-face meeting with proof in hand was really required. I've never regretted any of those decisions.

[jm2013]

I called the OMW toward the end of her workday and asked her to meet with me. We didn't know each other but she knew my wife and my wife had been to her house (OM was my wife's boss). I didn't want to tell her why over the phone but had to. She then left work and we met at a local fast food place to discuss in person. I brought a folder full of proof with me. We talked for a good hour or so.

 

It wasn't fun but with all of the lying, denying, minimizing, and gaslighting that takes place, I knew that a face-to-face meeting with proof in hand was really required. I've never regretted any of those decisions.

 

See, I had expected his wife to do the same. It's only natural for a BS to WANT access to information they do not know. In the email back to me it said"My husband told me everything that happened with your wife". There's no way she can be that naive. She would probably want access to what I know to see if it adds up.

[Snowflower]

 

He may have had his wife's # changes by then. I would assume they are still in the same house. Also, I wonder if he made her change emails. He blocked me from her account on Facebook. He may have also setup a filter for my name and email on her account. And he might have even setup filters for any keywords like "affair" etc to be auto deleted. This guy is total scum.

 

Does he really have so much control over her online activity that he can block you from her FB account? He logs into her FB account that much and to that extent and she is okay with that?

 

This seems fishy to me and doesn't make sense.

[Spark1111]

I do not know if you live in the US, but we have Express Mail where you request a signature from the recipient and it arrives overnight. It will be hand delivered twice if she is not home. Then, she receives a post card or two that she has to got to the post office, show ID and sign for it.

 

It costs $18.95, if it fits in a flat rate document envelope and YOU request her signature upon delivery.

 

You can track it on line.

 

Well worth it, don'tchathink?

[James-London]

Reading the OP it sounds like your motives are all about how the OMW deserves to know the truth and how you are the good samaritan who is giving her this information... That is NOT your motive AT ALL... The reason you want to expose the OM is to somehow get even with him. This is confirmed in your last post when you say you want to see his "world crumble around him".

 

That said, there is no reason why you should not go out to get even. That is what you deserve. And it will make you feel a whole load better, I'm sure. However, I really think you need to be honest with yourself about what you motives are for doing this.

 

That said, I think its important to remember that, unless he knew you personally, this guy OWED YOU NOTHING. It is totally understandable to hate his guts, but he only took what was on offer to him.... Maybe he owed something to his W, but the only person who owed you anything was your W....

 

Finally, I don't know if you separated from your W (I guess not if its still eating you up), but if you are still with her, should she not be assisting you in exposing this OM? If you are not with your W anymore, I suggest you do this final thing and then try to draw a line.

[jm2013]

Does he really have so much control over her online activity that he can block you from her FB account? He logs into her FB account that much and to that extent and she is okay with that?

 

This seems fishy to me and doesn't make sense.

 

Yes. He blocked me from her Facebook account and his. I noticed awhile ago they defriended and blocked me. I asked my wife about and she just said "I don't know you'd have to ask them". This was before I knew anything. Then when I exposed her affair later on I re-asked the question about the blocking and she said she asked him about it and his response was "I don't know why, I just felt like it". I'm assuming his wife is pretty open to her stuff as I was too. I had nothing to hide and had me computer left open with all of my accounts logged in. At any point my wife could have accessed all of my accounts too.

[jm2013]

Reading the OP it sounds like your motives are all about how the OMW deserves to know the truth and how you are the good samaritan who is giving her this information... That is NOT your motive AT ALL... The reason you want to expose the OM is to somehow get even with him. This is confirmed in your last post when you say you want to see his "world crumble around him".

 

That said, there is no reason why you should not go out to get even. That is what you deserve. And it will make you feel a whole load better, I'm sure. However, I really think you need to be honest with yourself about what you motives are for doing this.

 

That said, I think its important to remember that, unless he knew you personally, this guy OWED YOU NOTHING. It is totally understandable to hate his guts, but he only took what was on offer to him.... Maybe he owed something to his W, but the only person who owed you anything was your W....

 

Finally, I don't know if you separated from your W (I guess not if its still eating you up), but if you are still with her, should she not be assisting you in exposing this OM? If you are not with your W anymore, I suggest you do this final thing and then try to draw a line.

 

I'm not trying to get even with this guy. He's lucky I didn't drive to his home and throttle him cause that would have felt a lot better. I told him that directly on the phone when I spoke to him the night I found out. Also, I'm not trying to play some good samaritan. His wife deserves to know the lie she's living in. Hell, I hired his wife to do work for me before. We have communicated via email before and have spoken at my wife's work functions.

 

There is no getting even for what he has done. I think he just needs to face a reality he's been hiding from for awhile now. And I would love to be the one to drop it off on his doorstep. And yes, he knew me. I have taken this as a personal attack. I have met him, shook his hand and carried light conversation with the guy all while he was banging my wife and continued to do it. I had my wife write his wife an email but there was no response. I do not think these things are getting through. This guy has well hidden everything. I would bet money he has filtered both mine and her email accounts to auto delete. Either that or convinced his wife to abandon that email account. My wife and I are working on a R but she's all on board to expose this to his wife.

[jm2013]

I do not know if you live in the US, but we have Express Mail where you request a signature from the recipient and it arrives overnight. It will be hand delivered twice if she is not home. Then, she receives a post card or two that she has to got to the post office, show ID and sign for it.

 

It costs $18.95, if it fits in a flat rate document envelope and YOU request her signature upon delivery.

 

You can track it on line.

 

Well worth it, don'tchathink?

 

Yes, I'm in the US. Would they let him sign for it? Not a bad idea.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Yes, I'm in the US. Would they let him sign for it? Not a bad idea.

 

I used to work for the USPS and first off, signature confirmation only costs $3 and you can require signature from only the recipient to whom it's addressed via what is called "Restricted Delivery". It means the recipient of your package must positively ID themselves before the carrier will hand over the package/letter.

 

Although if you know her name, address and that she's a SAHM I don't see what's stopping you from going over there at midday (presumably when OM is at work) and knocking on her door?

Edited August 25, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[peaksandvalleys]

It's been a year later and this is still eating away at me. I am almost certain my wife's AP has this hidden still from his wife. When things unfolded he laid out a plan to cover his tracks. He gave me a bogus number for his wife and has monitored her Facebook and Email. He even went out of his way to register a new email in his wife's maiden name to tell me to stop trying to contact her and it's a decision only she can make.

 

I wasn't trying to force her decision. I was going to let her know how scummy her husband has been to her. I think she has every right to know. I would like to welcome any advice on what plan I should take to make sure she certainly knows her husband is a cheating scrub. From what my wife has told me he has no desire to be with this woman. And once he finds and secures his exit woman in another affair she'll be history. It's not fair to her. And if it was really her who responded back to me in an email (which I don't think so) wouldn't she be more curious about to what I know about the affair? And try to cross reference to what he told her? Things did not add up. I feel sorry for this woman who to this day is probably getting betrayed behind her back over and over again and living the big lie she doesn't even know about yet.

 

 

You are right it isn't fair to her. My belief is that she has the right to know and decide for herself if she wants to stay with him. I do hope you tell her.

[jm2013]

I used to work for the USPS and first off, signature confirmation only costs $3 and you can require signature from only the recipient to whom it's addressed via what is called "Restricted Delivery". It means the recipient of your package must positively ID themselves before the carrier will hand over the package/letter.

 

Although if you know her name, address and that she's a SAHM I don't see what's stopping you from going over there at midday (presumably when OM is at work) and knocking on her door?

 

Thanks for this information. The only reason I did not go over there is due to an anger issue if I saw her husband. I'd like to say I can show enough restraint but it would probably take every once of energy in my body to stop myself from giving him a good jaw rattler. And he's definitely the type to pickup the phone and call the police the second I showed up. I don't want to go to jail for any of this. I do not want that at all.

 

I think I'm going to lay out a plan here. I'll write out a letter but I HAVE to make sure it doesn't look like it's from me. Not sure what return address I can place on it. But if I make it look like really important legit information it may reach her well. Thanks for the info.

[peaksandvalleys]

Reading the OP it sounds like your motives are all about how the OMW deserves to know the truth and how you are the good samaritan who is giving her this information... That is NOT your motive AT ALL... The reason you want to expose the OM is to somehow get even with him. This is confirmed in your last post when you say you want to see his "world crumble around him".

 

That said, there is no reason why you should not go out to get even. That is what you deserve. And it will make you feel a whole load better, I'm sure. However, I really think you need to be honest with yourself about what you motives are for doing this.

 

That said, I think its important to remember that, unless he knew you personally, this guy OWED YOU NOTHING. It is totally understandable to hate his guts, but he only took what was on offer to him.... Maybe he owed something to his W, but the only person who owed you anything was your W....

 

Finally, I don't know if you separated from your W (I guess not if its still eating you up), but if you are still with her, should she not be assisting you in exposing this OM? If you are not with your W anymore, I suggest you do this final thing and then try to draw a line.

 

I am unclear what motive has to do with telling the truth? Is the truth any less the truth based on the motivation?

[Snowflower]

 

I think I'm going to lay out a plan here. I'll write out a letter but I HAVE to make sure it doesn't look like it's from me. Not sure what return address I can place on it. But if I make it look like really important legit information it may reach her well. Thanks for the info.

 

I think you can use a local post office as the return address.

[James-London]

i still think you are doing it primarily to get even rather than to help out his wife. But there is no problem with that. Anyway, i think the most important thing you said is that your W is on board with exposing the OM. This is a demonstration from her that she does not have loyalties or feelings to protect the OM. I think that is important. That is the sort of thing that can rebuild trust.

[beatcuff]

It's been a year later and this is still eating away at me. I am almost certain my wife's AP has this hidden still from his wife. ... to tell me to stop trying to contact her and it's a decision only she can make.

 

I wasn't trying to force her decision

 

anyone else VERY concerned the OP is going off the deep end. i put in bold a key word. OP is NOT certain. then further in which she 'tells' him to stop messaging her. look at all the ways he has already 'told' her and yet OP remains convinced BS has no clue. then go back to the first line ---- its been a year. a LONG time to hold this much anger.

 

it appears OP is upset that BS has chosen R over D.

 

OP maybe when the popo arrive with a stalking arrest warrant you will get the hint.

[jm2013]

anyone else VERY concerned the OP is going off the deep end. i put in bold a key word. OP is NOT certain. then further in which she 'tells' him to stop messaging her. look at all the ways he has already 'told' her and yet OP remains convinced BS has no clue. then go back to the first line ---- its been a year. a LONG time to hold this much anger.

 

it appears OP is upset that BS has chosen R over D.

 

OP maybe when the popo arrive with a stalking arrest warrant you will get the hint.

 

She? All the ways I have "told" her have been easy for him to intervene. Yes, I'm still upset about it. Do you know of any BS who would have access to information they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT that would just be like "Yeah, ok I'll just trust what my adulterer, lying, cheating husband has to say over this guy who has the proof". Cmon man..

[lolablue17]

You said his wife did some work for you in he past. So you know her name and details. What's keeping you from telling her yourself?

 

You know who she is. You can just find her number in the phone book and call her.

 

Or you can call one of her acquaintances and ask them her phone number.

It's no big deal.

[BetrayedH]

See, I had expected his wife to do the same. It's only natural for a BS to WANT access to information they do not know. In the email back to me it said"My husband told me everything that happened with your wife". There's no way she can be that naive. She would probably want access to what I know to see if it adds up.

 

Well, I hate to differ but the first stage of grief is denial. People are powerfully motivated to believe their spouse before a stranger. Infidelity comes as a shock to many of us. Out of the blue, everything that we've worked towards is going up in smoke. There's a lot of desire to believe the minimized version of things and it's painful to hear the whole truth. Some people shut out the truth; some are just plain gaslighted.

 

Whether that's what's happening in your situation, I just don't know. As I said, in my situation I left no chance for error. I can tell you that after my wife and I separated, I sent a message about it to the OMW so that she'd know that my wife would be free to try to resume the affair in my absence and I think the OM actually intercepted that message and sent me a phony reply before just going dark. I absolutely believe people will go that far.