Author jm2013 Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 That's the one problem I have. I suggested he go to their house when fOM was at work and yet said he couldn't do that because he didn't know what he would do if fOM just so happened to be there. Now he wants to send her a registered letter but wants to make sure it doesn't look like it's come from him . I'm not understanding this at all. OP, its clear that the BS continuing to remain in the dark is still gnawing at you, one year later so why have you not simply bitten the bullet? You've spoken a few times about various thwarted attempts and have come up with several schemes by now but I think you honestly need to either go over there (and I'm sure you can work out a time when fOM is definitely away from home) or send the letter - if she confronts him he's going to know where it came from regardless. But it has to be done and soon. You've had the benefit of knowing the truth for a year now, she deserves the same. Thanks. You're right. This week I plan on trying all methods of reaching her. I'm going to setup a new FB account since mine is blocked and send her a message and see if I get a response. I may also send the letter. One of these has to get through to her. Setup a fake Facebook account. Spend $1.00 and send her the message. Done. That's a good idea that I'm going to try first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jm2013 Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 Setup a fake Facebook account. Spend $1.00 and send her the message. Done. I just did this and sent the message. We'll see if she responds. I just told her that her husband was having an affair with my wife and I have all of the physical proof if she would like access to it. Best 1 dollar I've ever spent! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I just did this and sent the message. We'll see if she responds. I just told her that her husband was having an affair with my wife and I have all of the physical proof if she would like access to it. Best 1 dollar I've ever spent! Don't be surprised if she doesn't get the message (or at least not for a long time). I've seen it written here numerous times that messages from non-friends go into some kind of separate inbox/folder and that the recipient isn't notified. People sometimes stumble upon them some time later. Might be worth trying yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jm2013 Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 Don't be surprised if she doesn't get the message (or at least not for a long time). I've seen it written here numerous times that messages from non-friends go into some kind of separate inbox/folder and that the recipient isn't notified. People sometimes stumble upon them some time later. Might be worth trying yourself. Even when you pay the dollar? I thought the $1 Facebook charges was a guaranteed delivery. This was crazy. I didn't really think to create a fake Facebook account to do this. I can even see his profile now and all the comments my wife had made on various pictures etc. It's crazy looking back at how engaged my wife was with him on social media. I saw this too and even made a comment to my wife about it a long time ago which then about instantly stopped. I cannot believe I didn't pick up just on those red flags at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Don't be surprised if she doesn't get the message (or at least not for a long time). I've seen it written here numerous times that messages from non-friends go into some kind of separate inbox/folder and that the recipient isn't notified. People sometimes stumble upon them some time later. Might be worth trying yourself. That is only if you don't pay the $1.00. If you don't pay it goes to a different folder. If you do pay though, it goes directly to their inbox. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 (edited) Even when you pay the dollar? I thought the $1 Facebook charges was a guaranteed delivery. This was crazy. I didn't really think to create a fake Facebook account to do this. I can even see his profile now and all the comments my wife had made on various pictures etc. It's crazy looking back at how engaged my wife was with him on social media. I saw this too and even made a comment to my wife about it a long time ago which then about instantly stopped. I cannot believe I didn't pick up just on those red flags at the time. It will go directly to her inbox if you paid. What is even crazier is how they were both dumb enough not to change the settings away from 'public' and carry on like that. We use FB quite a lot to communicate and it is through a fake account. We will be on our regular account and if someone needs to say something they just message ".", which means to log on to the fake account. Edited August 27, 2014 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I just did this and sent the message. We'll see if she responds. I just told her that her husband was having an affair with my wife and I have all of the physical proof if she would like access to it. Best 1 dollar I've ever spent! Don't forget you will also be able to see if she read it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jm2013 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Don't forget you will also be able to see if she read it. I looked this morning and it still hasn't been read. Kind of surprising. We'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 (edited) It looks strange to me that you can't track her phone. If i had the details i could do it easily. You said before that you consider going to a lawyer. Well take the money you reserved to the attorney and go to a PI. Give him the details, he will find her phone + address in minutes. You can also pay him to be the messenger. he can meet with her and tell her personally and give you the report after that. The whole thing shouldn't take more than 1-3 hours, so it's not expensive. I think you're getting too much advice and maybe should think about what you really need to be satisfied. The FB route still has possibilities of intervention from the OM, doesn't it? If he was trying to control all access of communication with his W, it's possible he could have intercepted that route as well, isn't it? Is it possible maybe you won't be satisfied without a personal confirmation that she's been told face to face? Sounds to me like the PI would be the most thorough route. And I totally get the need to do it. As long as I live, there will always be a nagging angst in my gut that not telling my brother (for health reasons) about his wife's infidelity with my H let my SIL avoid WS accountability and control the information that reached other family members. She demonized me and became the victim herself. When they are afraid of you - because you have the truth - there are any number of interpretations they can put on events past, present and future that make you the instigator and perpetrator of conflict and infamy. If that OM is not forced to face the truth and, instead, controls information and interpretations of information that reach his wife, a very likely recourse may be to make you the villain and, conversely, himself and his W your victims. There are many ways it can go - you're a crazy stalker, vitriolic and vengeful and potentially violent. Or maybe you're confused and unstable, irrationally jealous and delusional about your wife's activities. The fact is that you don't have any idea what he's told her. I'd go with the PI for complete closure with this. Edited August 31, 2014 by merrmeade 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 The wife deserves to be told she is married to a scumbag. That is all there is to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jm2013 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Ok people this gets interesting. So far no luck on Facebook. It says she has not even read it yet since I sent it. It would be creepy if he was accessing ALL of her stuff to filter everything he can. I did notice something interesting over the weekend. My wife's cousin is friend's with his wife. Don't ask me how I did not know this information. I have been pondering reaching out to her to convey my message. Then I would know 100% it would get to her since they have open communication and it wouldn't be out of the woodwork for them to strike up a conversation. I guess they used to teach together. So that's definitely a route I can go but my wife's cousin will probably wonder about the information on how I know and who the other party was. This all comes back full circle. I don't think ALL of my wife's family knows what happened. Just the inner circle. But I think if I dropped this bomb on her cousin it would make much more sense of why I haven't showed my face around all their family functions anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Jim, First, the OM wife should know for moral reasons. Her husband is probably new again in an affair and exposing her to STD and she deserves to know. If I missed it I am sorry but your wife should have assisted you in this or was she protecting the OM when she was caught .??? The other main reason for exposure is if your wife had refused to stop it or was denying it happened. Exposure is the quickest was to stop an ongoing affair if the wife of OM gets pissed and them he is fighting for his marriage as well. I understand how you hate OM, and he was a full participant, but it was your wife who agreed to have sex with him, and don't blameshift to him the anger that should be directed to her. She was not an innocent bystander or a victim of a seducer. She was a liar and cheater. You are entire to do whatever is necessary to help you heal and if your wife is not fully supportive of that , the. She is not "all in". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jm2013 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Jim, First, the OM wife should know for moral reasons. Her husband is probably new again in an affair and exposing her to STD and she deserves to know. If I missed it I am sorry but your wife should have assisted you in this or was she protecting the OM when she was caught .??? The other main reason for exposure is if your wife had refused to stop it or was denying it happened. Exposure is the quickest was to stop an ongoing affair if the wife of OM gets pissed and them he is fighting for his marriage as well. I understand how you hate OM, and he was a full participant, but it was your wife who agreed to have sex with him, and don't blameshift to him the anger that should be directed to her. She was not an innocent bystander or a victim of a seducer. She was a liar and cheater. You are entire to do whatever is necessary to help you heal and if your wife is not fully supportive of that , the. She is not "all in". She has tried to help yes. She wrote her an email. But with all of this happening it doesn't feel she knows. There was nothing solidifying that she would have known. In the beginning when I found out and chewed the OM out over the phone I told him I'd go out of my way to make sure his wife knew. So whatever he did in the mean time to prevent her from knowing I do not know. I would bet it amplified by 100x when my wife told him to get lost and she wanted nothing to do with him. So he would be left to fend for himself if his wife left him. Nothing like having an affair and having it come full circle back at you and being left with nothing. Both people leave you empty handed. I have already dealt with my wife believe me. Of course she was a liar and cheater and fully admitted to that. She does work hard now and does this daily. We have good days mostly. Though here and there it sucks. Mostly due to me thinking about it all and having bad days here and there thinking about things.Truthfully, I'm not sure if time heals that entire wound. I'm not sure yet. Reconciliation has to be one of the hardest things virtually anybody could do in their lives after an affair. The other week flipped me out a little bit thinking about how she was still betraying me. It brought but a whole onset of feelings and I was already almost preparing myself for the worst unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I wouldn't give up on the Facebook thing just yet. You have to read it to delete it. Secondly, some people don't check their messages for days and days. Telling the cousin to intervene is very risky, IMO. You would be throwing another person into the mix who probably doesn't want to be involved. Who would? You would be placing her in a a very tough position not only with her friend, but with the rest of your family. I will say that agree with the above post, I would just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 (edited) We have good days mostly. Though here and there it sucks. Mostly due to me thinking about it all and having bad days here and there thinking about things.Truthfully, I'm not sure if time heals that entire wound. I'm not sure yet. Reconciliation has to be one of the hardest things virtually anybody could do in their lives after an affair. The other week flipped me out a little bit thinking about how she was still betraying me. It brought but a whole onset of feelings and I was already almost preparing myself for the worst unfortunately. jm2013, yes, thinking and brooding a lot is normal I think. I tend to get stuck at certain places. too. I'm hoping that MC will help me get past some of these kinks by having a 3rd party bring my H up to speed. I don't think I should be doing this alone; he should be asking, wanting to understand and helping. I feel like that is why many here are asking you where your W is in all this? Why isn't she helping? Perhaps, she doesn't feel the need or understand it, but that is the point: She should try to understand it for your sake. They say part of remorse is supporting the BS with whatever problem from the A for however long it takes. The OW should know for all the reasons given and many more, but you seem to have a need to tell her as well (which I understand and have no problem with). Yet you are grappling with how alone, and that is crazy making. Why can't your W help out with this mission FOR YOUR SAKE. I think she should be with you in this, should care about your need and help you with all the empathy she can muster. That's my two cents on that aspect. As a LS member, I couldn't care less how long it takes you to figure out what you're going to do. It's your life, and if I get tired of waiting for you to do something, I'll stop reading. You owe me nothing, and neither I nor any other poster has the right to goad or bully you into action. From what I've understood, you have every right to take as long as you need and have no obligation to communicate what you end up doing. People can read elsewhere - and do! - if they think the thread is not progressing. Resorting to name-calling or crude ridicule is NOT motivating (not even in the military) and certainly has no place when dealing with a grieving betrayed spouse (one year). There are other OW/M posting in this thread, being perfectly civil and supportive. I do not see any excuse for group berating like we've just seen. You did NOTHING wrong in my opinion. Please do NOT feel intimidated by uncivil posts or try to understand them. Edited September 3, 2014 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I once paid 1$ to send a message directly to someones FB inbox, But he never read it. So i wouldn't count on this service. Ask your wife's cousin to give The OM's wife a sealed letter hand to hand. Otherwise you'll be wrapped around this too long. You wanna do it. You think it's morally right, and also it will help you to heal by getting some sense of justice. Go for it! Execute it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Maybe she saw who it was from and the last message did indeed make it to her- maybe she wants you to leave her alone as she said previously- I agree that she has the right to know, but she also has the right to her own privacy- you still do not know for sure if she had received your other messages-I would side with caution and assume she knows and leave her be- Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Come on you have all the information you need. Simply walk up to their house knock on the door and tell her. I'm sure your wife knows where they live and when he won't be there. I honestly feel your putting too much focus here and not enough on your marriage. In a way its taking away from you fully dealing with your issues within the marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Maybe this has been said, but.. If you are not "friends" with her on Facebook, this could have went to her "other" folder and she may not even know it's there... Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Come on you have all the information you need. Simply walk up to their house knock on the door and tell her. I'm sure your wife knows where they live and when he won't be there. I honestly feel your putting too much focus here and not enough on your marriage. In a way its taking away from you fully dealing with your issues within the marriage. Agree, go and be done with it and have that be the END of your communication with them. I know you've mentioned that if you saw him you aren't sure how you'd react, but hold it together and just get the truth out and then go home and work on your own marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Agree, go and be done with it and have that be the END of your communication with them. I know you've mentioned that if you saw him you aren't sure how you'd react, but hold it together and just get the truth out and then go home and work on your own marriage. An important stage of "working on his marriage" is to tell the OM's wife. She probably didn't get the previous messages because otherwise she would answer with "thank you" or "Don't contact me never again", or something. But I agree that he should do it quickly (telling her) and put it behind him. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 (edited) An important stage of "working on his marriage" is to tell the OM's wife. She probably didn't get the previous messages because otherwise she would answer with "thank you" or "Don't contact me never again", or something. But I agree that he should do it quickly (telling her) and put it behind him. Agree. Agree. Disagree. To "put it behind him" is not for us to say or even a choice for him. He probably wishes like hell he could! I think he will 'know' when he's done it. It will just be behind him, but it's not a decision under his control. It just happens when things have been taken care of in order. I wish there were more on LS about the OW/M issue for the BS. There's a lot about disclosure - the need for it, the importance of WS's remorse and voluntary disclosure vs. TT to be able to 'put it behind' you, etc. My theory is that the OW/M issue has similar stages or elements to be processed. I really think that the fact that we didn't tell my brother, the OW's spouse, about the A is one reason that I am still hung up on the OW's attitude toward everything. So maybe the BS here just needs to know that OM's spouse knows for the BS's own healing. Who can judge that? P.S. You really don't know what family members of the OM/W have been told, including the spouse. As I've said before, they may have a fear of you or some other wacko idea instilled in them by the OW/M that makes them reluctant to engage with you. It happened to me. That's why I think the PI idea is good. Another reason not to do it yourself is, perhaps, the possibility of a violent reaction on somebody's part if the OM appears or gets involved. You mentioned once being afraid you might lose it with OM if you saw him, I believe. You don't want to hurt anyone, be hurt or go to jail. Edited September 3, 2014 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Agree. Agree. Disagree. To "put it behind him" is not for us to say or even a choice for him. He probably wishes like hell he could! I think he will 'know' when he's done it. It will just be behind him, but it's not a decision under his control. It just happens when things have been taken care of in order. I didn't say "to put it all behind him". I only ment to put this one issue of informing the OM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Earlier in this thread, I suggested posting the OM's information on the "Cheaterville" site. Given the apparent problems in contacting his wife, I'll mention it again. The site gets tons of traffic, hence the fact that, for any person posted there, Cheaterville generally shows up on the first page of hits if you include the location. Will that get you where you want to go? Only you can say, but even if his wife never googles her husband, others will. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Earlier in this thread, I suggested posting the OM's information on the "Cheaterville" site. Given the apparent problems in contacting his wife, I'll mention it again. The site gets tons of traffic, hence the fact that, for any person posted there, Cheaterville generally shows up on the first page of hits if you include the location. Will that get you where you want to go? Only you can say, but even if his wife never googles her husband, others will. maybe as a last resort... Do people ever get sued? That would be unbelievable insult to injury for the BS... Link to post Share on other sites
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