Urban Rubble01 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I thought I'd pose this question to the good folks out there on Loveshack. If someone you love needed some time apart to deal with things, would you consider waiting on them ? How long could you go ? The reason I ask is because I find myself in a fairly unique situation. It seems most people on this board have been told by their significant other that it's over for good or that they didn't love them anymore or whatever. In my case, my ex told me she loves me and still sees us together, but that she needed some time apart to deal with things. The time frame she gave was 9 months, the duration of the school year. Now, at first I was crushed, I was pretty convinced that she was just letting me down easy and that she would gradually fade away. It's been 5 months and she still says she sees us working it out at the end of her school year, she still says she loves me, still talks about our future life together and where we'll live. I can understand some people being confused and giving their ex's false hope, but if she has kept this up for 5 months I see that as a good sign. I mean, either she's an evil demon who has devoted 5 months of her life to messing with me with the intention of hurting me for NO reason, OR, she's honest about what she says and intends on working things out. Obviously this has been very hard on me. In alot of ways it would have been easier for me to just say no, I won't consider this a break, I have to walk away. But that was never an option, I love her too much, I am willing to go through the pain of a break if there is a chance of it working out, that's a gamble I just have to take. But would YOU do it ? Do you think I'm wrong to ? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 being that ALL situation are different and that we are all different people with different life schedules.... it boils down to: You do what works best for you. and as you have described it, this is what is working, so continue. Plus 4 more months to go....5 behind you, i really do hope that the wait will be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 as someone outside the relationship, someone who doesn't know the dynamics of what you have with her, I really couldn't answer your specific question. However, having decided to get my college out of the way before seriously committing to someone, I can say that yes, it's worth the wait. Especially if "she still says she sees us working it out at the end of her school year, she still says she loves me, still talks about our future life together and where we'll live." sounds like she wants to get the school year behind her so that she can fully concentrate on what's important to her: YOU. The most important thing in a relationship is communication, and it sounds like she's doing a wonderful job at letting you know what's going on and how much she cares about you. when you guys end up together in the same town/school/place again, you'll realize that yeah, it was indeed a worthy sacrifice ... Link to post Share on other sites
Oriental Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 hey you are really the rare lucky one on this forum. my ex gave me nothing but false hope, he is one of those as you described: confused. i would definitely wait for her, at least she's sure that she wants to be with you after all this. you only have 4 more months to go now. even if it doesnt work out in the end you know you waited and you tried, you saw things first hand. i d rather wait than spend the rest of my life wondering what if i waited. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 I don't happen to subscribe to the theory that suitable partners are a dime a dozen so certainly if I found someone I really wanted to be with, I'd wait - more than 9 months, if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
limejoose Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Urban Rubble I totally know what your going though, my GF did the exact same thing. Your lucky its only a 9 month wait, i dont know how long i have to wait. It really is hard going though all of this. She says that she loves me and going away to school is something she has to do for herself. I believe her. The hard part is when i start second guessing her movtives but really its all in my head. I really love this girl and i can feel it in her that she loves me too. To answer your question I would wait, as i am playing the waiting game. It hurts, it sucks and its a real mind trip but sunny days are ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Urban Rubble01 Posted March 3, 2005 Author Share Posted March 3, 2005 Thanks for the replies everyone. It's not really an option for me to move on at this point, I love her and if there's a chance of it working I'm going to pursue it. But hearing other people tell me that I'm not alone in thinking this situation sounds optimistic is helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
morphius Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 damn right, If you love this girl...and I mean REALLY love this girl then wait...Give her the time to work through the s*it in her head. This is exactly what I am resigned to doing @ the moment, it hurts like hell but if it works then it's been god damn worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Morph, What's going to happen when you find out she has lived a little while at school....ie. dated somone else, flirted and been intimate with others. Waiting for someone has its negatives and you need t be aware that there is a potential that she may decide that life is better without you in it. I worry that by not moving on yourself you both will be of different mindsets if and when she returns. Link to post Share on other sites
morphius Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Point taken, Yeah it has it's down sides... But y'know this is a dumpee's opinion... I think that we should believe in whatever we need to, to get through the situation in front of us even if that entails grasping straws... cos let's face it every second of every minute of every hour blah blah blah... it gets minutely easier... Whatever the outcome... Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 waiting 9 months for love? sure. i'd do it. and longer. you could say i've waited 32 years for something real. and i'm still waiting. it doesn't mean i'm not cherishing the wait. love given and received right now is precious, even if it doesn't last for ever. oooh, the intermezzo from cavaleria rusticana just came on the radio. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 9 months is next to nothing. I'd rather spend my life "waiting" (as long as it is not for Godot) , than settling for less than I deserve. Considering my interests and qualitities, I know most women would be totally unable to relate to me. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 For some reason you are all presuming that love will be waiting at the end of the rainbow after 9 months. The likelihood is the people change over time and that this woman will grow and mature into a different direction. What then guys? 9 months of kidding yourself and another few years of healing your broken heart? We don't even know the true reasons as to why this person needs a break.......yet something is apparently wrong here..........what does a break mean as in does this person feel she needs to experience life with other men to convince herself or does she feel that she has too much homework to do to be in a relationship? Just trying to prepare you guys for a downfall as everyone else seems to says sure go for it and wait............how about we say......live your life, meet other people and assume she is gone.........and if it is meant to be and you both are in a position to get back together...then so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Urban, I am curious as to what exactly to you love about this woman? What will happen the next time she asks for a break? Will you be so eager to give in then? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 The point is, if you are a pessimist or a non-believer in love, what is the point? Why wait, why get married, as it is nothing more than a legal bind? Live your life from fling to fling, occasionally you call them 'relationships', is what a lot of people do. Accidentately they marry one of these people. And divorce them a few years down the line. People change, but remain the same. Chances that she is completely renewed, are small. Unless she would go through a horrific experience. She may have grown and matured. I myself am a lover of 19th century literature. There might be a possibility I will fall totally in love with Sci-fi, statistically speaking. But based on experience, the chance will be 0. Most people yearn for an immediate gratification of their desires. They try a bit of skydiving a bit of ecstascy, a bit of psychology, in short a bit of everything, and everyone. So for the true romantics out there, there is nothing wrong with waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Martinez, I did not understand a word of you just wrote......................I have problem with someone having hope that a relationship can be rekindled and not preparing themselves for the letdown.....Lets be realistic here, people typically do not need space per say if in fact they believe they are in the very best situation at the present time. Do they still consider themselves bf/gf? No......because she needs the freedom to experience other men............why is she calling him after 5 months???? Because she has not found what she wants yet and enjoys knowing that someone is waiting and pining away for her...........had she not had that she might have been forced into making a true decision about him in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 First of all, my name is not Martinez. Second of all, not everyone believes that a man or a woman f*cks everyone whom they consider attractive. Even when they are not in relationships, and it would be just 'lust.' For some people that is a strange idea, I admit to that. Urban Rubble01 and many others on the thread are of the Romantic persuasion. Not the 'it's the third date, let's f*ck'-persuasion, though. Of course he can be let down. But statistically speaking the clear majority of relationships don't work out. So why would a sane person even bother to start a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 D'Arthez, Sorry about the misspelling of your name as I glanced to quickly the first time. I totally respect your opinion yet I am not so sure why you are giving this woman the benefit of the doubt.....He has not told us why in fact she believes that she needed space other than the duration of the school year. Would you be of the same opinion if he tells us that she had met someone and wants to see if things click with that person prior to determing if she wants Urban back? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Read his other posts, and see how much they still hang out, considering the limited time she has. The fact that she is still talking about future plans, amonst other things, points definetely in the it is good to waiti direction. You can be committed to someone without being in a relationship with them. If she met someone else, I am certain that Urban Rubble01 would not wait on her. And I am not of the distrusting nature. So I would not fear that she was playing two men. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 LOL, wait eeerrrrrr put life on hold for almost a year, NO................ Sorry if I offend however this appears to be the textbook relationship that turned into a booty call. Seen this dozens of times. Been involved with this kind before. This is like one of those old 70s cop shows where the hero is riding on the hood of a dudes car. The hero always gets his sh*t rocked when the guy driving the car finally decides to stop fu*king around and makes a hard right turn. I don't care what someone is going through. If they want to be with you they need to be with you. If they just want sex then "negotiate" and call it what it is. I've seen several post regarding this realtionship and I feel pain just reading about it. Why, because walking this one off is going to be just like getting off drugs......Sorry brother. How long are you going to wait. We don't live that long. So are you going to wait 2,3,5,10 years. What happens when you realize that it may not work out? What are your plans? You are far better than this. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I saw this thread before and, well, felt like my opinion was too far away from what the rest said, but seeing No fool posting something similar of what I think, I'll come out of the closet and put my two cents in here. I consider myself a hopeless romantic sometimes and what Urban Rubble01 is doing seems very romantic and sweet. I would have also waited, because I would not have wanted to miss out a chance in my love. Having said this, I think she's taking the piss out of him. She's keeping him on the backburner. You don't go and tell someone to put his life on hold till you have made up your mind, till you have less problems. This is unfair. The moment you tell him to leave you alone, the moment you tell him you don't need him, not to support you, not to share your life with you, not to laugh with you, nothing. If she really saw a future with him she would have slowed down in the relationship, but breaking up with someone and telling him there will be a future sounds like such a bogus to me. Most people want to have it all, a career, love, a great life. People are selfish, they don´t let good things just slip away so easily. If you break up with someone, you should be/are aware that this person has the right to leave. Putting someone on hold for nine months just seems so incredibly selfish. I honestly also don't think that 5 months mean anything, I mean, she's not really risking or investing anything in you, so why should she not do it? I know Urban Rubble01, you will wait anyway. I´d still do it, despite my reasoning. I probably would not even regret it, even if it didn't work out, sometimes you have to take risk. But I think you should start to think about the limits in your relationship, what you can deal with and what not, what is acceptable and what not. Prepare yourself that this may not work out and that she will come and tell you more nonsense, that's when you have to ask yourself if you really want to wait or if it's not better to leave. Take a closer look at what she tells you and how she acts (I said I was willing to take risks, but I don't recommend closing my eyes and being a fool). Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I have to agree with No Foolin and Kooky on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Urban Rubble01 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 For some reason you are all presuming that love will be waiting at the end of the rainbow after 9 months. The likelihood is the people change over time and that this woman will grow and mature into a different direction. What then guys? 9 months of kidding yourself and another few years of healing your broken heart? We don't even know the true reasons as to why this person needs a break.......yet something is apparently wrong here..........what does a break mean as in does this person feel she needs to experience life with other men to convince herself or does she feel that she has too much homework to do to be in a relationship? Just trying to prepare you guys for a downfall as everyone else seems to says sure go for it and wait............how about we say......live your life, meet other people and assume she is gone.........and if it is meant to be and you both are in a position to get back together...then so be it. Well, I don't want to make it seem as if I'm totally relying on it all working out after the 9 months is up. I know that things are very uncertain and that she could possibly change. But you know, after almost 6 months she's still talking about "our" future life together. She still assures me she is in love with me. We talked about 2 weeks ago and she told me she still wants to work things out in a few months. So I know alot could change, but at the same time, alot of the things she tells me seem really positive. Of course, there is the possibility that she has been totally lying to me for this last 6 months, but I have a hard time believing that someone would waste that much time and energy just to mess with an ex boyfriend's head, she has no reason to do that. I am trying to go on with life on my own, but I cannot fully convince myself that it's over, that is incredibly hard to do when she's holding my hand and telling me it's going to work out. I am curious as to what exactly to you love about this woman? What will happen the next time she asks for a break? Will you be so eager to give in then? What do I love about her ? Well, that's hard to explain. She's always been a good friend of mine, we've known each other as friends for about 10 years. She's the most perfect girl I've ever met and we're very compatible. Basically, she makes me happy like nobody else ever has. We don't fight, I never had to compromise because we were so good together. I just love her. And if we get together and she asked for another break, of course I wouldn't be ready to give in then. She tells me that she still feels the same as before, that she wants to marry me when we're stable. Not two weeks ago she was asking me where we should move when we're done with school. I am making it very clear, if we are getting back together I intend it to be for good. why is she calling him after 5 months???? I feel I should mention, we've been in contact this whole 5 months. From the start we've agreed that this was only temporary and that we'd still be in each other's lives, just less than before. Because she has not found what she wants yet and enjoys knowing that someone is waiting and pining away for her I've considered that as well. But you know, she'd have to be completely evil and heartless to be telling me this stuff if she doens't intend on following through with it. If she is telling me that it's going to work out for sure and she doesn't mean that, don't you agree that she'd have to be purposely trying to hurt me ? She has no reason to do that. I'm objective enough to consider the bad things like she might change her mind at the end of this, but i can't make myself believe that she'd be doing all of this on purpose, that she'd be keeping me as a safety net. had she not had that she might have been forced into making a true decision about him in the first place. I don't want to force her into anything. That'd be pretty f'ing selfish, right ? I really do love her, which means I want her to be happy. If she asked for this and I tried to pressure her into making a decision that would be selfish because I'd be considering my feelings over her. I love her and I want her to do what she needs to. How long are you going to wait. We don't live that long. So are you going to wait 2,3,5,10 years. What happens when you realize that it may not work out? What are your plans? You are far better than this. That is something I've been thinking about a lot. If the 9 months (or so, I could give or take a month or two) and she isn't ready, then I'll know something is up and I'll move on. I worry about that alot and I mentioned it last time we had "serious" talk. I asked her if she was getting what she needed out of the break, she said yes, so I told her my fear that when the 9 months is up that she won't be ready to get back. She told me she is still looking at it like we're going to be back together at the end of the school year. So again, if she's lying to me then she really is actively trying to hurt me. I don't think she'd do that. Sorry if I offend however this appears to be the textbook relationship that turned into a booty call Yeah, well, she's a good looking chick, if she just needed sex she wouldn't have to have me for that. And plus, that isn't what I go see her for, and when I see her she doesn't automatically rape me. Yeah, we've had sex, but it isn't like that, it isn't the reason we still see each other. When we hang out it's just like it was before, we have fun, we laugh, everything is good. It is SO not a "booty call". I honestly also don't think that 5 months mean anything, I mean, she's not really risking or investing anything in you, so why should she not do it? Well, ideally she "wouldn't do it" because she knows that if she's being insincere that she's going to destroy this person she has loved for the last 3 and a half years. Like I said, I really don't think she's that evil that she would be doing this to me on purpose. I've told her that if she isn't sure about us not to tell me that she is, that is only going to make me hurt worse if it doesn't work out. She said she understands that and that she will be honest with me. Again, she has no reason to be angry at me, so would she really try to hurt me like this on purpose ? I know Urban Rubble01, you will wait anyway. I´d still do it, despite my reasoning. I probably would not even regret it, even if it didn't work out, sometimes you have to take risk. But I think you should start to think about the limits in your relationship, what you can deal with and what not, what is acceptable and what not. Prepare yourself that this may not work out and that she will come and tell you more nonsense, that's when you have to ask yourself if you really want to wait or if it's not better to leave. Take a closer look at what she tells you and how she acts (I said I was willing to take risks, but I don't recommend closing my eyes and being a fool). Thank you, you're right. Basically, I'm trying to do what I've been doing this whole time, be there for her but don't rely on it working. It's just incredibly hard because like I've said over and over, at this point she'd have to really want to hurt me if she doesn't intend on getting back with me. She'd have to really, really have something against me. It's not an option whether or not I wait. I am in love with her, she is telling me she feels the same, so I have to wait whether or not I want to. I'm willing to risk being hurt. But do you get my point that she would have to want to hurt me to be telling me this stuff ? I mean, from the very start my motto with her has been "If you want to minimize the pain on me, don't let me down easy, be completely honest with me even if it is something that's going to hurt and that I don't want to hear, it's the only way I'll heal" and she has repeatedly told me that she understands and that she'll be honest. 5 months of me saying that has produced no bad news, she continues to tell me everything I want to hear. I mean, it's to the point where we're planning a vacation for this summer together. I mean, I'm not buying the tickets until things are figured out, but that's just another example, would she really be planning a trip with me if she has the plan of not getting back together ? Why would she say that if she didn't mean it ? Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I don't think that she is lying to you with purpose, I just think she might have been able to convince herself that this will turn out right. I'm not sure if you have seen the many posts here of people who said how nice her significant other was, how they swore them to marry them, they depicted their future together, they promised endless love and then, suddenly, started to withdraw. Bang - this relationship is not what I want, I need a break, I'm confused, etc., etc. People don't go and tell their partner lies with the intention of lying or hurting them, they do it, because they believe. Can you tell me what the difference between the no-it's-a-relationship you have with her now and the relationship you had with her before? Other names I have seen for this situation were friends with benefits. If there is more than talking and just being friends involved, then I do not understand her reason to break up with you unless she wanted to enjoy the fun without having any responsibility attached to it. And that's what's making me suspicious here. That she is afraid of responsibility. And I think you are playing her game. I said it before, when you love someone you have to take risks, but be prepared for the worst and keep your eyes open. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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