Would you wait for someone you love if there is a chance of it working ?

[Urban Rubble01]

I don't think that she is lying to you with purpose, I just think she might have been able to convince herself that this will turn out right

 

Yeah, I worry about that alot.

 

I'm not sure if you have seen the many posts here of people who said how nice her significant other was, how they swore them to marry them, they depicted their future together, they promised endless love and then, suddenly, started to withdraw. Bang - this relationship is not what I want, I need a break, I'm confused, etc., etc. People don't go and tell their partner lies with the intention of lying or hurting them, they do it, because they believe.

 

Yeah, and I'm fully understand that. But you know, this isn't just the kind of thing we used to talk about when we were together, we were talking about marriage and our future 2 weeks ago. That's what I mean, if she is still telling me this stuff at this point and doesn't mean it I would think she'd have to be trying to hurt me.

 

Can you tell me what the difference between the no-it's-a-relationship you have with her now and the relationship you had with her before? Other names I have seen for this situation were friends with benefits. If there is more than talking and just being friends involved, then I do not understand her reason to break up with you unless she wanted to enjoy the fun without having any responsibility attached to it. And that's what's making me suspicious here. That she is afraid of responsibility. And I think you are playing her game.

 

Well, what's different is that there is no "obligation" and that we don't see each other or talk to each other nearly as much as before (that whole "space" thing). You know, we lived about an hour apart. When we were together there was kind of an unspoken agreement that we'd talk everynight before bed, that we'd see each other every weekend. So what's different is that we can kind of get some time apart, not feel the obligation to call all the time, just kind of do things on our own for now.

 

But you know, the thing about not wanting to have any responsibility right now is probably a part of it as well. I mean, I can understand that. We're young you know,

 

I said it before, when you love someone you have to take risks, but be prepared for the worst and keep your eyes open.

 

Thank you, that's what I'm trying to do. I definitely try to keep the mind set that she may be gone for good, that's just really hard when she's telling me just to trust that she loves me and that she's coming back.

[westernxer]

Good luck, whatever the outcome.

[upsetnhurt]

Urban,

 

Have you asked her if she has met any men during the time period you both have "no obligation"? Would it bother you to know that she might be extremely intimate with other men? I hope this works out for you either way.....yet I have seen this all before and it never does work. I swore too that my ex was the greatest and in the end I believe that she has harmed me more than anyone else in the world. It was unintentional I am sure, yet it hurt just the same.

 

No foolin and Kooky.........you didn't give me kudos for stepping up to the plate on this thread even before you !

[Urban Rubble01]

Have you asked her if she has met any men during the time period you both have "no obligation"?

 

Well, about 3 months after this all happened we were talking and I made an offhand joke "You know you aren't going to find anyone better than me", she laughed and said she knew that, and that's why she wasn't looking.

 

About a month ago I asked her straight up if she was dating, she told me no.

 

Would it bother you to know that she might be extremely intimate with other men?

 

Would it bother me ? Of course. Would it be a deal breaker ? No. I am of the belief that sex and love are two very different things. I don't think she's had sex with anyone else though.

 

Everything I have to go on tells me she hasn't slept with anyone else. When we were having sex a couple weeks ago she offhandedly said "God I miss sex". She bought (and made it a point to let me know this) a vibrator immediately after we broke up telling me that that was her boyfriend for the next few months.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by upsetnhurt

No foolin and Kooky.........you didn't give me kudos for stepping up to the plate on this thread even before you !

 

Sorry I missed you. We are the three musketeer!

[Urban Rubble01]

Just thought I'd bump this, I'd love to hear some responses from the people I responded to.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

Just thought I'd bump this, I'd love to hear some responses from the people I responded to.

 

You did respond to my post, so I think I'm among those people.

 

My replies are usually based on educated guesses and my general experience with human nature, because I've never been in the same situation like yours before and I can't give you first-hand experience.

 

I do see some things in your relationship that distinguish it from others, like your firm belief in the separation of love and sex which is not that common as many people will say that both are not the same, but would be quite reluctant to share their partner with someone else or would freak out at the thought of their partner having a one-night stand. I'm not sure though, if your belief has ever been challenged and if you could really control your emotions once you find yourself in such a situation.

 

Also your girlfriend seems to be very mature, at least in respect to schoolwork, she obviously takes it very seriously. But I think that doesn't necessarily mean she knows what she wants in a relationship or that she's ready to get married. I didn't date in highschool and I was very confused, I would have never been able to talk with anybody about marriage. To assume that everybody is like me and doesn't possess the ability for a long-term relationship at that age is certainly arrogant and condescending, but I have also seen very few people my age in school who would talk about marriage and a future together. We are from different culture (I live in Europe), so maybe that's an explanation and maybe Americans are more mature at that age (hm, I didn't see it, but is American Pie representative for American teenagers?) or maybe they are just more romantic. I don't know the explanations, but I personally just doubt that someone at that age is able to grasp the responsibility and work that lie behind marriage. I know two girls who are still together with their highschool sweethearts, they've been together for more than 12 years I guess, but I doubt they would have ever wanted to break up with their boyfriend in order to have more time for themselves. I think what I want to say is, few people your age are that mature to know what they want in a relationship or are able to commit themselves to one partner already (if you look around LS you will see that there are a many people here who are older and still don't know what they want) and even if they did, they wouldn't have broken up and continued seeing each other as friends with benefits.

 

There are things in your relationship that might make it look like it can work out, but I don't know you and I don't know your girlfriend and from afar based on my experiences and convictions I doubt it. And even if I did know you and your girlfriend, people do strange things. They act and wear masks.

 

I think you ask in order to find someone who can give you hope and tells you that he did have a similar experience and that it did work out. I can't give you that. You have decided already that you want to wait and I would like to give you more hope that things will turn out right, but nobody in this forum will be able to tell you this, but I'd like to tell you that you are still very young and if you think she's worth it, then risk it. If you were a 40 year old woman, getting closer to the end of fertility who wants to have a family then I would say, don't wait. As the situation is now, I'd say, wait for her, but don't be too sad if she changes her mind suddenly, she's young and so are you, there are people much older than you who still make mistakes and don't know what they want in life. I think the risk that it won't work out is greater than a successful reconciliation, but I think greater would be the regret of not having tried and the what-if-questions that will torture you if you stop now.

[flowergirl]

Damn, Kooky, so well spoken. I too am playing the waiting game, sort of, and since this is the only person I can really imagine being with, I choose to do this, but of course it's really risky. I've known my beloved for a really long time, and we are quite bonded, so, even though I have fears based on past experiences, I'm going for it. The important thing to know in all this is to know both yourself and the other person well. Urban: I noticed that you often said in your responses that when you asked your girl questions, she'd tell you what you wanted to hear. Well, I'm sure it's really not her intention to hurt you, but just be careful with those conversations, and don't set yourself up for responses that sound pretty. I wish you much luck with this, and of course, keep us posted.

[ConfusedInOC]

My ex says she doesn't know what's wrong, but if I don't give her the time she needs to clear her head, we'll never know if our love will work.

 

But if she was to tell me "Wait for me...." I would wait as long as it takes.

 

For the true love of my life, no timetable applies.

[Groovy]

Waiting is a mistake and I've never seen it work. If someone is not sure than I'd prefer to be with someone who knows I'm worth their time and effort. Plain and simple. I say go out and date away! Have fun while they figure out their doubts and if you are still available then go for it with nothing to lose. But if your taken by someone who know they want you and you want them, congrats on a bigger relationship.