C0nfused1980 Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) Hey guys, I am in a weird situation with a good friend of mine. I have known her and her husband for a few years and we are all great friends. During this time, I have had a failed long term relationship that they both helped me get through and overall, we all spend a good bit of time with each other and their kids and we consider each other family (or so I thought). Now - she usually tends to stay in when there are any social gatherings as her interests are very different to our group's in general which is fine, I usually go over to their house or they come over to mine and we hang out separately. There have been times (and this she has always been aware of) that we all end up carpooling, either mine or theirs or we share a cab, etc. to get to places. When she doesn't turn up, it would be normal for me to share a car with her husband or with another friend and I have asked her if she is okay with this very bluntly and she has said that she is. A couple of weeks ago, her husband and I ended up sharing a cab home after a night out with all of our mutual friends and she had chosen to stay home. We ended up having a bit of a chat on my porch (for about 20 minutes, discussing our friends and just stupid gossip, nothing special) and he ended up telling her about it as there really was nothing to hide. This guy is like a brother to me and vice versa so I mean, there is really nothing between us and never has been. Anyway, apparently she went nuts afterwards (he told me) and has been saying all kinds of horrible things about me behind my back to him and didn't respond to my text (just a random hey, how're you) and hasn't gotten in touch with me. She is completely avoiding me at all costs even if it means turning down invitations. She has all of a sudden said that she thinks I am chasing married guys, am a slut, have too many guy friends, and so on. But she refuses to talk to me or confront me. I would love to tell her how wrong she is and get this over with, but I am not supposed to know any of this as her husband would get in even more trouble with her. The whole thing is ridiculous and childish and very hurtful. I am happy to apologize for my thoughtlessness - I should have sent him home straight away - but I just never thought she would think this of me and him or that we have those kind of issues. Any thoughts? Also just wanted to add, in addition to the hurt and betrayal I feel, I am also worried as to who else in our group she is saying this stuff to - I don't want to have a bad reputation for no reason and her accusations are terrible. Her husband has told me to just leave her be and she will cool down. Apparently she has done this sort of thing before with other female friends. Edited August 25, 2014 by C0nfused1980 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 At this point I would take the bull by the horns and confront her already. Be damned with the hubby! He was the one that put you in this awkward situation in the first place and apparently he's also keeping you posted on his wife's daily reaction to the situation. If she's supposed to be a good and she really is going around town running off her mouth about you THAT is not cool and she needs to be put straight about things once and for all. By the way, does she still let her husband out to play even when she chooses to stay home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author C0nfused1980 Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I would love to do that and end it once and for all either way but I don't think it's right to mess with their marriage! Ugh!! Yeah, she has been letting him out to play as you put it, that's how I know all this because I have met him once or twice since the incident and I asked him about her. Complete madness!! I'm thinking maybe I'll just stay away and keep quiet - as far as I am concerned, my friendship with her is over anyway - but if I do hear that she has said anything to anyone else, I will set her and the other people straight. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 I'm kinda curious about the role the hubby is playing here. Seems like he likes to stir the pot. What does he gain by telling you about the trash his wife is talking? It both paints his wife as "the bad guy" and puts you in an awkward spot. Wouldn't it be better for him to just keep you in the dark on that? It seems like they've probably got some marital issues going on there that you've found yourself at the center of. I think if the friendship with this woman is significant to you, you should tell the husband that you intend to talk to her about what's going on. If he responds dramatically, begging you not to, then something weird is up with HIM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C0nfused1980 Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 Hmm I see your point. I didn't think about that! I guess it is also very possible that they are having some issues. As far as the friendships go though I value my friendship with both of them but I probably am a bit closer to the husband as we just end up hanging out more since she doesn't come out and have more common interests but I do still consider her a very good friend too. Maybe she has a problem with that and I never realized. I guess ideally I wouldn't want to compromise either friendship but now that I know what she truly thinks of me - I just don't know if it's even worth it to try to fix this other than to ensure I don't end up with a reputation! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 I think you should come at her fully assertive and NOT on the defensive as you did nothing wrong and tell her you'd okay that with her already and don't appreciate being lied to and discredited behind your back. Tell her if she had a problem, she should have come to you, not to everyone else in town. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 Agreed. I think you need to steer clear of these two for a while. Keep your mouth shut since you clearly can't say anything to either of them without it blowing out of proportion. The whole thing seems odd from all angles. And if she continues to mouth you off behind your back like the chicken she is, let her have it Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 As for understanding where she's coming from, I'll tell you what a psychic once told me in relation to a wife who was jealous and being nasty to me even though they had a long-term marriage and I had dumped him 30 years prior, and that is "It's not you. It's that she knows him so well." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 I think having a candid conversation with the wife would be the best way to keep her trash talking at bay, and to attempt to preserve any friendship. Keep in mind that if you lose the friendship with her, you will also likely lose your friendship with the husband. (Especially with these jealousy issues at play.) Not sure how much that matters to you. I'd approach the husband and be like, "I know you don't want me to talk to your wife about this, but it's really bothering me, and I consider you guys my friends so I'd like to clear the air and shut down the misunderstandings." Again, if he puts up firm resistance to that, then he's playing weird games. And you could call him out on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C0nfused1980 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Well.. the drama continues!! I got a call from her sister who told me that as far as my friend is concerned, I have been having an affair with her husband for the past few years and apparently, she only embraced the friendship to keep me 'close' and keep an eye on me!! I set the sister very straight and am planning to go to their place tomorrow to have a conversation with both of them. As far as I am concerned, my friendship with both of them is sadly over - unfortunate that I have to lose the husband as well but this is just beyond ridiculous - boy, do I feel stupid!! I have been told that even their sons (who are very young) have been told to stay away from me. Just.. wow! With friends like this, who needs enemies? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Well I guess she has a boundary and feels you've crossed it. He did go behind her back to tell you how mad she is. And maybe he has had feelings for you all along and it's affected their M. I do think staying away is your best plan. Don't fuel the fire. If needed write her a letter - but as you'll see many wives won't respond kindly anyway so it may be fruitless. He was wrong to stay and chat alone with you. It obviously hurt her and he owes her an apology too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C0nfused1980 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) Friends like these* (won't let me edit) Well - if she felt that way she should have told me a long time ago when I asked if she's okay with me and her husband being friends. Whereas she lied to my face, pretended to be my friend, had absolutely no problems asking for all kinds of favors such as babysitting for her sons or picking them up from school, etc. when she was busy - and then I hear this. Maybe it was a bad judgement call to chat with her husband late at night but it does not make any of what she's done okay. IF her husband has any kind of feelings for me which I very much doubt, they should have both been way more open with me and all of this could have been avoided. Regardless - I am staying very far away - they clearly have a lot of issues and seem very happy to be dumping them all on me right now! Edited August 26, 2014 by C0nfused1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yikes, what a situation! I am single and have friends who's boyfriends/husbands I have spent alone time with in a similar way to you here, and it has been no problem. Why? Because they know we're friends. Men and women can be friends, especially when those men are married to other friends. It's silly. And this so called 'friend' of yours is insecure for whatever reason and is now blaming it on you. Best to wish these two luck and move on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Wow, I really don't understand why this woman would go through all these motions of friendliness with you when she privately believed you were having an affair with her husband. I also don't understand why the husband (assuming he has at least sensed her suspicions, if not had outright arguments about them) hasn't been able to clear this up. We obviously don't have all the details, but I'm wondering if the husband does have some sort of crush on you that's been an issue for a while. Regardless, yeah – have a conversation with them about it then keep your distance! Keep us updated, this is interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 You don't know their marriage or their dynamic behind closed doors. Maybe he has cheated on her in the past or had inappropriate friendships with women. She is insecure and maybe the late calls (though I do think it is inappropriate to call a MM late at night to 'chat', even if you are friends with his wife too) and the recent hanging out late on the porch was the last straw. You also don't know what he has said about you. Maybe he speaks of you often and that is why she thinks you two are having an affair. Maybe he has a crush on you and she is reacting to that as well. Either way, move on and let go of this. You can't control what others think or believe, you know you didn't have the affair with him but you do need to ask yourself if maybe you two got a bit too close for comfort seeing as he is married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 The husband must have blamed everything on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C0nfused1980 Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 Wow - some of you guys are pretty judgmental!! I never said there were late night calls and no, to be fair to the husband, he actually hasn't blamed everything on me. I don't know anything about prior affairs and it is not my place to ask. Anyway, I had a word with both of them this evening and the husband openly said he has absolutely never had any feelings for me which I honestly don't doubt as I am sure I would have picked up on it. He seemed embarrassed by all of this and kept insisting to me and his wife that nothing ever happened or would happen and so on. I told the wife my side of the story which is basically the same and also told her that she has really hurt me. She didn't seem very sorry about any of it - but did tell me that she and her husband have been having a lot of issues and I am 'getting in the way'. What those issues are - I honestly don't know and don't want to know. All I told her was that if I hear she has been accusing me of any of this behind my back to anyone else, there will be hell to pay and I may even sue. Anyway, after a long drawn out conversation with her accusations, me telling her I have done nothing wrong, the husband trying to tell her the same thing... we basically got nowhere so in the end, I just told them as a former friend and someone who cared about their family, I would highly suggest they go see a marriage counselor. I wished them luck, told them I would not see them again unless we run into each other socially and I left. He seemed upset, she seemed relieved. I am just plain old angry! Thanks a lot for all your feedback and advice you guys Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Wow. What a crazy situation. You did the right thing by confronting and making your position known and then crossing them off your list by moving on. You dealt with it honestly and now their issues are between them. I would set the record straight with the friends you have in common too. anyone who betrays you by buying into her insanity isn't a friend either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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