Question only for ow/om....when AP lost interest, did you feel like you failed

[nikki76]

My AP of almost 5 months has pretty much lost interest. He says its because he's overwhelmed with guilt and cant continue. I dont believe him, but there is nothing I can do. We haven't been intimate in 3 months. Its just been contact thru Facebook messaging.

I feel like ive failed. I feel like if I were better at whatever AP do, he would still be here.

 

He has been in an emotionless marriage for years. He sleeps in separate room from his wife. When we were together, he would always say he hasnt felt physical touch in years amd how much he missed it. I believe him, because he would always tell my husband this too (about his wife not showing any emotion). I feel like she has won and im jealous that she gets him all for himself. ....or until he strays with another women.

 

His wife is 10 years younger then me and doesnt take care of herself. I know she his wife and he loves her, but I know physically im more attractive. Im not full of myself at all. And I know my words sound harsh. Just wanted to see if anyone else ever had these messed up feelings too.

[DKT3]

Not an OM, just a quick question. Is there a chance that he fears your husband?

[nikki76]

I dont think so. In the beginning of our A, he would always say he felt guilty toward my husband, but not toward his wife. Im not sure who he feels guilty toward now, or if thats just his excuse to get out of the affair. He told me that the joy used to overpower the guilt, but now the guilt is just too much.

[letmoc]

I had them all the time when I was in that situation. And I always wondered why he chose her when I was prettier, younger, etc. That is the insecurity of that type of relationship talking that's all.

[OWAmy]

I think sooner or later, one of the AP loses interest. Just like in a regular relationship. I lost interest in mine first because I saw the futility of it all. And I questioned him over that towards the end. Mine went on 3yrs 9 months but we were long distance.

 

I was 15yrs younger than xMMW and look 10yrs younger than my age (I'm 37). I am a lot better looking than his wife, but saying that when I looked at pictures of her I saw that her beauty came from within, a real warmth. That's why he'd chosen her to be his wife, the mother of his children and why next year they'll celebrate 20yrs together. I don't think it comes down to looks at all.

 

Men do love their home comforts. They put up with a lot more than women will. If their marriage is truly as bad as he has made out - even if he couldn't leave, then she probably would have had to leave by now.

[nikki76]

I meant to say wife is 10 years older then me

[DKT3]

I'm not trying to be an azz or judge. But do you have a sense of failure about your marriage as well?

[nikki76]

Not a sense of failure, just frustrated with my marriage. Im trying so hard to get my husband to show affection toward me. I never realized how bad I wanted that until I had the affair. I crave touch and affection now. I know my husband is trying, but I feel like I shouldnt have to beg for it.

[FusionCutter]

Not a sense of failure, just frustrated with my marriage. Im trying so hard to get my husband to show affection toward me. I never realized how bad I wanted that until I had the affair. I crave touch and affection now. I know my husband is trying, but I feel like I shouldnt have to beg for it.

 

Then leave.

[DKT3]

Not a sense of failure, just frustrated with my marriage. Im trying so hard to get my husband to show affection toward me. I never realized how bad I wanted that until I had the affair. I crave touch and affection now. I know my husband is trying, but I feel like I shouldnt have to beg for it.

 

Could this be more about you vs her and not so much about him? This has been a short affair. Maybe it started with you comparing yourself to her. Then progressed to you having what was hers.

 

Honestly sounds like MM was in it for sex, once he had his fill it wants it over.

[GypsumSatellite]

You've haven't failed at anything. You've learned what you need, what you're not pleased with, and hopefully in time learn how to keep that in communication with your husband (if you choose to stay). Your MM? He's choosing to stay in an M lacking touch and emotion. Somewhere he feels that's what he deserves. Pity him. Maybe he'll wake up one day, too.

 

As for the now, if you know you want to keep working towards a more fulfilling M with your H, keep asserting your needs even if it means making initiations with him. Touch him more, everything you want to feel and experience with him - be the one who does it to him first. Tell him why you're doing it. Keep coming at him with an engaged presence and attitude.

 

There's no need to feel like a failure because your AP is fading off. That's him, not you. Leave him to it.

[nikki76]

Then leave.

 

 

I dont believe its that easy. He tells me he loves me....all the time. I have three small kids. I stay home with them, I dont work. i love him too. But there is just no spark. I dont think thats grounds for a divorce. Im sure many will disagree though.

[nikki76]

You've haven't failed at anything. You've learned what you need, what you're not pleased with, and hopefully in time learn how to keep that in communication with your husband (if you choose to stay). Your MM? He's choosing to stay in an M lacking touch and emotion. Somewhere he feels that's what he deserves. Pity him. Maybe he'll wake up one day, too.

 

As for the now, if you know you want to keep working towards a more fulfilling M with your H, keep asserting your needs even if it means making initiations with him. Touch him more, everything you want to feel and experience with him - be the one who does it to him first. Tell him why you're doing it. Keep coming at him with an engaged presence and attitude.

 

There's no need to feel like a failure because your AP is fading off. That's him, not you. Leave him to it.

 

 

Wow, thank you so much for that! Your words really do mean alot! Ive been trying to initiate things with my H. He even said, he's never seen this side of me and enjoys it. But I feel like the man should be the one making the first move. Childish, I know, but its what ive always known.

Im going to screenshot your reply and save it for when im feeling down. Which is quite often these days

[Sub]

But I feel like the man should be the one making the first move.

 

There should be a balance. It shouldn't be on one partner to always initiate. He may want to feel wanted as well.

 

This may be at the heart of your OM's disinterest as well. Maybe he just got tired of making the first move all the time (if that was the case).

[DKT3]

I dont believe its that easy. He tells me he loves me....all the time. I have three small kids. I stay home with them, I dont work. i love him too. But there is just no spark. I dont think thats grounds for a divorce. Im sure many will disagree though.

So you would rather make a fool of him by sleeping with his friend right under his nose? That is grounds for a divorce. Its becoming clear that you don't love your husband, maybe you care about him because your a stay at home mom and he affords you that chance.

 

You speak of your needs, but do you care about his?

 

I can tell you its no joy in finding out you've been cheated on. I would have rather she hit me with her car as she drove away leaving me then having been cheated on.

[nikki76]

I can tell you its no joy in finding out you've been cheated on. I would have rather she hit me with her car as she drove away leaving me then having been cheated on.

 

 

I know I'm 150% wrong in every way for the affair. I'm truly sorry for your experience. I cant imagine how devastating it would be to be on the other end.

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS so sorry for chiming in but I had to say I never felt less sexy and desirable as when I was a SAHM- It was honorable and the right thing to do for my kids, but I lost myself in the process- I envied the women that got to dress up for work-it took me a bit but I finally found my "Womanhood" again rather than just my "Motherhood"- have you tried date nights with your husband, sexy and fun texts, a weekend away to get your groove back-

You seem very hung up on being desired- maybe you feel more like Mom and less like Wife-

 

 

Sad side note- its not until I went back to work and had so much going on that my husband needed the ego boost of an affair-such an odd dynamic being a woman these days-

[herself]

Well, failing at being a good AP is not the worst thing to fail at. I say that in a friendly way.

Also my eap...twice now in 13 years weve been the closest happiest, intense and full of joy and then wham...the guilt came crushing down and then its just poisoned.

We began to waiver and then the argument, then the breaks...

Who needs it you know?

I agree with the poster who said if he's pulling away...let him go then just let go.

Gotta mean it though and block him.

Seriously? You give him all the sex, attention, ego strokes...he had his fill.

Chase is over, reality and wife are on front burner. NC.

[Got it]

My AP of almost 5 months has pretty much lost interest. He says its because he's overwhelmed with guilt and cant continue. I dont believe him, but there is nothing I can do. We haven't been intimate in 3 months. Its just been contact thru Facebook messaging.

I feel like ive failed. I feel like if I were better at whatever AP do, he would still be here.

 

He has been in an emotionless marriage for years. He sleeps in separate room from his wife. When we were together, he would always say he hasnt felt physical touch in years amd how much he missed it. I believe him, because he would always tell my husband this too (about his wife not showing any emotion). I feel like she has won and im jealous that she gets him all for himself. ....or until he strays with another women.

 

His wife is 10 years younger then me and doesnt take care of herself. I know she his wife and he loves her, but I know physically im more attractive. Im not full of myself at all. And I know my words sound harsh. Just wanted to see if anyone else ever had these messed up feelings too.

 

You know you aren't in competition with her right? This is about him. If you are married as well, how/why do you want him full time? Are you planning on divorcing? If not why the feelings of competition?

[William]

When a member seeks input from other members about their feelings in a certain dynamic, that's what they're seeking, not clever steering of the topic to personal agendas by experienced posters.

 

Thread starter, if you find your topic derailed, simply contact moderation with the 'alert us' button and we have the tools to fix things up. Do not feel obligated to answer questions or respond to comments not addressing your posted issue.

[cocorico]

My AP of almost 5 months has pretty much lost interest. He says its because he's overwhelmed with guilt and cant continue. I dont believe him, but there is nothing I can do. We haven't been intimate in 3 months. Its just been contact thru Facebook messaging.

I feel like ive failed. I feel like if I were better at whatever AP do, he would still be here.

 

I'm no longer an OW - we have been M now for several years - but I'm interested that you're so certain that he is not telling the truth about being overwhelmed with guilt. What is your evidence for this? Has he been chatting up other potential OW, or telling others he's tired of you?

 

It is quite common for MM to feel guilt over their A, especially if they are not experienced in deception. It takes a huge toll emotionally if it is not congruent with your image of yourself, and if you toad seriously your duties and responsibilities to someone you promised to care for, even if you no longer love that person. IME that is why so many As are not indefinitely sustainable. Either the MM will leave, and end the M, or he will end the A. It seems as if your AP is doing the latter. I don't think it is your failing causing that.

[whichwayisup]

Edited..sorry was off topic, answered the OP with something unrelated to her original topic.

[Lord of the Flies]

At first, I did somewhat like a failure but after some time I got over it. Looking back at the beginning of the affair, he carried more interest than I did. I mainly did it because I was very insecure with myself and he took advantage of that. After a few years and many off and on moments, he finally lost interest and in the back of my mind, once I knew I felt somewhat like a failure but then I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I had to remind myself that him losing interest is not a failure because this was something that I didn't want to begin with especially dealing with someone who emotionally abused me and was behind a lot of my darkest moments that I've dealt with in life. I was glad that he wised up and moved on to his wife and his many, MANY sexual partners (I wasn't the only one and I only found this out after everything ended).

 

I don't feel that you should feel like a failure although I understand that feeling if that makes sense. It will take some time to get over it but once you do, you will realize that this was something that was meant to serve a lesson. What that lesson is will be determined how you will deal with it. I had to learn that lesson myself.