How can I miss someone so badly that treated me so terribly? What is wrong with me?

[bambiwboone]

I've been a member for a bit of time with a back and forth affair. Usually it last two months with a 3/6 month gap then it's on again. Well we just had another D day about three weeks ago. His wife gps him to my house. So he started being distant and cold to me. So I got pissed and told on him. For the fourth time I believe, he should expect it coming. If you act like a you know what you are going to be treated like one.

 

 

This time seems different. He told me that I was ugly as ****, manipulative, crazy, and he would never want me. It's not like I really go crazy. Sure I get mad and tell but I would never say that sort of stuff to him. I have never had a man talk to me before like this. It is always in the back of my mind.when I look in the mirror. I've lost five pounds since he said this.

 

 

Of course when this happens he falls off the grid. I am not going to lie I do look at her facebook. She told me this time she was getting a divorce for sure. But again that did not happen. They are all happy and going on "dates."

 

 

This man is making my life a living hell...yet I can't walk away. It's like I'm brainwashed or something! During our last little break of not talking he made a fake facebook ( he told me he did this) added me with it..when I accepted he deleted it. Then he would log in early in the a.m. or late at night, when I wouldn't notice and look at my facebook. He told me he went by my house here and there. He gets a new car EVERYTIME ...presumably to stalk my house. Now he is completely over it . Hates me ( which he told me he never could do). He said he will never talk or look my direction again.

 

 

Why does he do this to me? Why say these things to me? I'm really mentally at the end of my rope and severely depressed. I am unsure what to do. I know this time he will not be back. Which makes me sad and happy...depends on the day. How can he say things like this with no remorse. Is anyone out there want to be "penpals" lol. I have no one to talk to ...who will understand. My friends are done picking me up off the ground. After four years several d days I can't blame them:(

 

 

I know people will ask. My husband and I are now separated living separately.

[pixiecut]

i'm not trying to be glib, but he does this because you allow it. let him back in your life over and over. your angry reactions to one another seem very immature (i'm not judging, it's just a symptom of increasingly messy and unhealthy situation on all fronts). what do you ultimately want. for him to leave the wife and be with you? after so many dds he hasn't done that. so he won't. plus his hate on to the dds shows you he's not interested in owning up to any of it. he wants to have his cake and eat it too. and you blowing a whistle interferes with his world. on top of that he lashes out on you, like a spoiled brat who got his toy taken away. is this what you want? you HAVE to cut ties and not get pulled back in. let him deal with his issues. you deal with yours. unless drama is what you got involved in this for. trust me i know it's excruciating to cut ties with someone you have feelings for, but do you really have feelings for a person that not only has made you a second choice, but also is abusive and cruel to you? his behavior should make this easy on you. he doesn't have to be your problem. feel sorry for the wife who has to deal with all that. take yourself out of the equation now and live youru life.

[bambiwboone]

I sure wish how he treats me would be motivation to walk away. Deep down no, I do not want someone who treats me this way or a wife that way. Sometimes I feel brainwashed. I am unsure how to explain it. Just brainwashed by this person.

 

 

 

 

i'm not trying to be glib, but he does this because you allow it. let him back in your life over and over. your angry reactions to one another seem very immature (i'm not judging, it's just a symptom of increasingly messy and unhealthy situation on all fronts). what do you ultimately want. for him to leave the wife and be with you? after so many dds he hasn't done that. so he won't. plus his hate on to the dds shows you he's not interested in owning up to any of it. he wants to have his cake and eat it too. and you blowing a whistle interferes with his world. on top of that he lashes out on you, like a spoiled brat who got his toy taken away. is this what you want? you HAVE to cut ties and not get pulled back in. let him deal with his issues. you deal with yours. unless drama is what you got involved in this for. trust me i know it's excruciating to cut ties with someone you have feelings for, but do you really have feelings for a person that not only has made you a second choice, but also is abusive and cruel to you? his behavior should make this easy on you. he doesn't have to be your problem. feel sorry for the wife who has to deal with all that. take yourself out of the equation now and live youru life.

[pixiecut]

sometimes we get manipulated by people who are good at messing with our heads and even though we logically see how toxic situation is we cant seem to walk away from it. throw in feeling rejected and lowered self esteem and you're in deeper trouble. you obviously need help in walking away, have you tried therapy? if not an option find a friend who would be willing to help you stay on task of not contacting or not reacting to his initiative. kind of like an AA sponsor. situations like this is a form of addiction.

[Baby123]

Please don't let one person affect your life like this. I remember feeling so confused for so many months when mine and MM's drama was at its worst and one day I found myself sitting on a street crying with people looking at me and my best friend had to come and get me. Walk away- block everything- this is only going to go one way.

[bambiwboone]

I am going to try therapy. I got that ball rolling yesterday. I never last with stuff like that. I'm a pretty private person. This isn't something I'm proud of and wanting to open up to a stranger about:( At least in person.

 

 

sometimes we get manipulated by people who are good at messing with our heads and even though we logically see how toxic situation is we cant seem to walk away from it. throw in feeling rejected and lowered self esteem and you're in deeper trouble. you obviously need help in walking away, have you tried therapy? if not an option find a friend who would be willing to help you stay on task of not contacting or not reacting to his initiative. kind of like an AA sponsor. situations like this is a form of addiction.

[bambiwboone]

Are you better now? How long did it take? I used to be so strong. A relationship would of never had so much control of every aspect of my lift. I go to work....come home work out..clean..cook and sleep. I reject my friends attempts to go do something. I wont eat because I feel like I don't deserve to eat. I think allot of him thinking I was ugly is because I'm not skinny as I should be. I live in a fog. It's the only way to explain it. I would do anything to not feel this way one more min, hour, day...

 

 

Please don't let one person affect your life like this. I remember feeling so confused for so many months when mine and MM's drama was at its worst and one day I found myself sitting on a street crying with people looking at me and my best friend had to come and get me. Walk away- block everything- this is only going to go one way.

[bentleychic]

It sounds like you are both bad for each other. It would definitely be in your (and his) best interest if you could make a clean break from each other. Good luck

[Baby123]

I am going to try therapy. I got that ball rolling yesterday. I never last with stuff like that. I'm a pretty private person. This isn't something I'm proud of and wanting to open up to a stranger about:( At least in person.

 

I'm okay now- still wear the scars and battle wounds some times. Please feel free of him- it will be like a weight has been lifted.

[whichwayisup]

I am going to try therapy. I got that ball rolling yesterday. I never last with stuff like that. I'm a pretty private person. This isn't something I'm proud of and wanting to open up to a stranger about:( At least in person.

 

The only way for you get strong enough, gain confidence to end it IS to continue with counseling. Everybody at some point in their life needs counseling so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. Have faith that they are there to help you. My motto is, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it.

 

This MM (exMM) is scummy and treats you like crap.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it so you can live a happier and healthier life.

 

Love isn't supposed to be like this.

[bambiwboone]

I do not think he will be back. I think this time was it. So really the issue isn't never speaking to him again..it's more mentally moving on:(

 

 

 

 

The only way for you get strong enough, gain confidence to end it IS to continue with counseling. Everybody at some point in their life needs counseling so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. Have faith that they are there to help you. My motto is, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it.

 

This MM (exMM) is scummy and treats you like crap.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it so you can live a happier and healthier life.

 

Love isn't supposed to be like this.

[BrokenPrincess]

I do not think he will be back. I think this time was it. So really the issue isn't never speaking to him again..it's more mentally moving on:(

 

WOW if someone told me I was ugly as ****, much less someone I was intimate with, why on earth would this NOT be it?? I think this goes way beyond what friends or even LS can help you with...you need a true professional to help you break out of this abusive cycle. I hope you'll be able to be honest with the IC and stick with it.

 

Do you have him blocked from contacting you?

[randomwoman]

I've been a member for a bit of time with a back and forth affair. Usually it last two months with a 3/6 month gap then it's on again. Well we just had another D day about three weeks ago. His wife gps him to my house. So he started being distant and cold to me. So I got pissed and told on him. For the fourth time I believe, he should expect it coming. If you act like a you know what you are going to be treated like one.

 

 

This time seems different. He told me that I was ugly as ****, manipulative, crazy, and he would never want me. It's not like I really go crazy. Sure I get mad and tell but I would never say that sort of stuff to him. I have never had a man talk to me before like this. It is always in the back of my mind.when I look in the mirror. I've lost five pounds since he said this.

 

 

Of course when this happens he falls off the grid. I am not going to lie I do look at her facebook. She told me this time she was getting a divorce for sure. But again that did not happen. They are all happy and going on "dates."

 

 

This man is making my life a living hell...yet I can't walk away. It's like I'm brainwashed or something! During our last little break of not talking he made a fake facebook ( he told me he did this) added me with it..when I accepted he deleted it. Then he would log in early in the a.m. or late at night, when I wouldn't notice and look at my facebook. He told me he went by my house here and there. He gets a new car EVERYTIME ...presumably to stalk my house. Now he is completely over it . Hates me ( which he told me he never could do). He said he will never talk or look my direction again.

 

 

Why does he do this to me? Why say these things to me? I'm really mentally at the end of my rope and severely depressed. I am unsure what to do. I know this time he will not be back. Which makes me sad and happy...depends on the day. How can he say things like this with no remorse. Is anyone out there want to be "penpals" lol. I have no one to talk to ...who will understand. My friends are done picking me up off the ground. After four years several d days I can't blame them:(

 

 

I know people will ask. My husband and I are now separated living separately.

 

This man obviously has deep seeded issues. He seems to enjoy seeing that what he does has a huge impact on your well-being. You have a very toxic relationship with this man. This may be due to unresolved trauma in your life.

His wife is either in on his sick behavior or they have as toxic of a relationship as you do.Either way, it's very dangerous for you to try to move on from this alone. It's a very difficult addiction to break even without the emotional abuse aspect.

You need to go ahead and seek counseling before you take the path to self harm/self medicating. He's simply not worth it.

 

You can also seek therapy online which is pretty interesting and helpful for situations that you feel shame about. It involves a therapist reviewing your journal and also speaking to you via webcam if preferred.

Good luck to you

[bambiwboone]

Thank you!!

sometimes we get manipulated by people who are good at messing with our heads and even though we logically see how toxic situation is we cant seem to walk away from it. throw in feeling rejected and lowered self esteem and you're in deeper trouble. you obviously need help in walking away, have you tried therapy? if not an option find a friend who would be willing to help you stay on task of not contacting or not reacting to his initiative. kind of like an AA sponsor. situations like this is a form of addiction.

[bambiwboone]

It's been almost three months..I think. I can't even keep track of time anymore. My back story is on here so I will spare the details.

He ended it once he got caught again by his bs. This time he was the cruelest he has ever been calling me crazy, manipulative, he could never want to be with someone like me because I'm ugly as ****. Just hurtful. It crushed me. I have lost 20 pounds since Dday. I am sickened to look in a mirror..and in reality I know I'm not like crazy ugly...but I feel like I'm just not good enough.

I have this husband that loves me to death. He wants to work this out and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Pining over someone who thinks I'm "ugly as ****." Who told me he was just using me for someone to talk to. After two years back and forth I should hate him. But I don't . I love him very much still. I wonder how he is ..how they are doing. If they are happy...in which they play it off as VERY happy on facebook..of course.

I want to be happy as well...I want to feel normal. But I'm just left in the dust as usual. I just hurt. I want the feeling to go away..I do..but I don't know how to get over it. Just when I think I'm better the feeling just rushes through me....like I never made any progress at all:( I know this sounds crazy..but I'm scared to let go..because I know that means he has let go as well.

[jellybean89]

I don't think you love him. How can you "love" someone who treats you so poorly? That isn't love. That is infatuation. I think you want him to come back, to "pick you" which is why you hang onto this infatuation with him.

 

He said hateful things to you - yet you want him? Why? To prove him wrong? To show 'someone' that you are desired by this man who said such mean things to you? What are you trying to prove? What is holding you to him? Are you wanting to 'win' him from his wife?

 

Please let your spouse go. He deserves so much better. You don't want him. You definitely don't love him. Is he just someone to support you, take care of you and keep you from being lonely? Let him go. Let him build a life with someone who wants HIM and will be faithful to HIM.

[whichwayisup]

It's been almost three months..I think. I can't even keep track of time anymore. My back story is on here so I will spare the details.

He ended it once he got caught again by his bs. This time he was the cruelest he has ever been calling me crazy, manipulative, he could never want to be with someone like me because I'm ugly as ****. Just hurtful. It crushed me. I have lost 20 pounds since Dday. I am sickened to look in a mirror..and in reality I know I'm not like crazy ugly...but I feel like I'm just not good enough.

I have this husband that loves me to death. He wants to work this out and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Pining over someone who thinks I'm "ugly as ****." Who told me he was just using me for someone to talk to. After two years back and forth I should hate him. But I don't . I love him very much still. I wonder how he is ..how they are doing. If they are happy...in which they play it off as VERY happy on facebook..of course.

I want to be happy as well...I want to feel normal. But I'm just left in the dust as usual. I just hurt. I want the feeling to go away..I do..but I don't know how to get over it. Just when I think I'm better the feeling just rushes through me....like I never made any progress at all:( I know this sounds crazy..but I'm scared to let go..because I know that means he has let go as well.

 

He has let go of you, that is the reality. You are holding onto a memory now, something that doesn't exist anymore. it's doing damage to you and you're choosing this.

 

Please seek counseling to sort yourself out. You can't do this on your own, it's time to go talk to a professional so you can feel happier and at peace, live your life in a healthy way again.

[herself]

Your self esteem has been lowered so much your mind tells you this is all you deserve.

Also your marriage doesn't have to go back to being like it used to or the same.

You can try for a new improved better different experience.

Or maybe just leave. Start over alone and dont be afraid to do so if necessary.

[heytheregirl]

I think it's easy to get addicted to the drama sometimes.

The highs and the lows. This guy has achieved what he wanted, knocking you down and making you feel below him and not good enough. When in reality it's a reflection on the person he is and how he feels about himself.

You need to do yourself a favour and use all the horrible things he has said to fuel the anger inside to move on. You need to find the strength to delete every ounce of him from your life. Stop torturing yourself by checking up on them and their 'happy' life.

[Poppy47]

Whatever makes you think he will EVER treat you well. He's like a child... it's easy. He does what he does because you let him and keep asking for more.

 

Poppy

[easilyused]

I've got news for you sweetheart he most likely will be back bothering you again in a couple of months. Once he starts to miss the booty calls, this sounds mean and I don't mean it to but honestly you need a harsh dose of reality otherwise you are going to wake up and realize you have wasted many years pining away for this piece of garbage man.... The reality of your situation is this, maybe you love him, you probably don't but you are hung up on the fact that he may be back and now you are waiting. He wants this, he gets off on it and he's going to make you suffer a lot before he feels you have been punished for your actions because men like that get off on seeing women suffer. It a huge ego boost, your waiting for him not eating, crying and hating yourself and he's happy as pie living his life. He doesn't love you and I now that's a tough pill to swallow but once you realize he was using you and never had any feelings for you despite what he said you will get better day after day. Stop waiting for him to show up and take every measure you can to make sure he never does!!!!!! block him from your phone, your fb, emails everything. Don't let him come back. Let his wife deal with him if she chooses. STOP THIS NOW!!!!! stop letting him control you. Cause he will always be back cause he knows he can.

[SunsetRed]

sometimes we get manipulated by people who are good at messing with our heads and even though we logically see how toxic situation is we cant seem to walk away from it. throw in feeling rejected and lowered self esteem and you're in deeper trouble. you obviously need help in walking away, have you tried therapy? if not an option find a friend who would be willing to help you stay on task of not contacting or not reacting to his initiative. kind of like an AA sponsor. situations like this is a form of addiction.

 

Situations like this ARE a form of addiction. Im not sure of how addictive tendencies get intertwined with abusive/destructive relationships, but the commonalities sure are there.

 

Ive struggled w addiction and eating disorders since I was 12. Ive also been in some really abusive relationships before I got w MM and had trouble letting them go as well.

 

Ive had more trouble letting go of my xMM than anyone Ive been with. Physically I did let him go, but I keep replaying our stories and scenarios over and over and it takes everything for me not to contact him. I can see and feel the addictive tendencies, but don't know how to stop the feelings.

 

My xMM treated me like I was a 1-900 dial a sex whore and seemed to think that my job as on OW was to fulfill his sexual needs, while the wife played the boring role of the wife. BUT, she got the car, bills paid, public relationship, acknowledgement, etc. Why do I miss him, I don't know

 

Im Effed up, I guess. maybe a 12 step program would help my thought processes

[bambiwboone]

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I do miss him but feel like I'm pathetic to miss somebody who was so cruel to me after two years. I understand that I really meant nothing to him and he was using me...I've read all the threads on here. But those words " I could never want you, you are a crazy manipulative C word who is ugly as ****" play through my head every day, every time I look in the mirror I hear his words. I picture him and his wife just sitting and laughing about my looks, how I'm horrible looking. How awesome she feels and validated she feels when he says horrible things about me. A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word:( I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to check my messages hoping he contacts me, I don't want to see a car and think is that him. This isn't fun anymore:(

[Goodbye]

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I do miss him but feel like I'm pathetic to miss somebody who was so cruel to me after two years. I understand that I really meant nothing to him and he was using me...I've read all the threads on here. But those words " I could never want you, you are a crazy manipulative C word who is ugly as ****" play through my head every day, every time I look in the mirror I hear his words. I picture him and his wife just sitting and laughing about my looks, how I'm horrible looking. How awesome she feels and validated she feels when he says horrible things about me. A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word:( I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to check my messages hoping he contacts me, I don't want to see a car and think is that him. This isn't fun anymore:(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly he was attracted to you to have a 2 year long affair. Sounds like his cruelty was to make sure it was over...for good. I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't know one single adult who would sit around laughing about how ugly someone is. I can't even imagine it. I agree with the post above, sounds like he was trying to end it for good.